Fix Me

Josh must’ve stood outside for five minutes after Kali had disappeared. He was cold and soaked to the bone but he barely took notice of it. His chest ached so terribly from what had just happened he could barely move. His mind refused to register the fact that Kali was gone, because he knew once it sunk in he’d fall apart completely.
She’d learned his secret and walked away from him forever because of it. There was no coming back from this; she was gone. Right when things were going to be the best they’d ever been, it was all ruined. Josh should’ve been expecting this, he supposed, since it happened all the time. But this wasn’t something he felt they could overcome, like they had everything else. That was it, the final bomb that killed them all. The war was over and no one had won.
“Josh?” Corlynn Ramsay’s voice finally broke the painful silence. “Josh, come inside! It’s pouring rain, you’ll get sick.”
Josh already felt sick. His stomach was weak and his legs shook dangerously beneath him. He was sick, only it was a mental sickness. He had made so many problems for himself and got so caught up in them all that he’d destroyed his own life. He took the one person he wanted most away from him. It felt as thought his heart snapped once more inside his chest when he thought of it all, and it hurt so badly he gasped in pain.
Corlynn had stepped outside with an umbrella. She put a hand on her son’s shoulder and he looked at her with wide, tear-soaked eyes.
“Oh, sweetheart,” she murmured, “come inside now.”
Josh didn’t even realize he was moving until the warmth of his house hit him. His legs simply carried him without the command of walking registering in his brain. He was so numb at that moment, but it wasn’t the kind of numb he’d been chasing all these months. It was a painful, sickening numbness that he wanted so badly to leave him. He knew once it was gone that the pain would consume him, but he felt like he deserved it. He deserved to be thrown into a black pit of severe pain with no escape for everything he’d done.
Corlynn handed her son a thick towel and when his shaking fingers failed to grasp it she dried his hair for him and draped it tightly around his thin shoulders. He did nothing but stare straight ahead with that same haunted look in his eyes. Tears continued to spill down his face, still intertwining with the raindrops falling from his hair. His teeth were chattering loudly but he paid it no mind. Nothing registered in his brain other than two awful words: She’s gone.
“Joshua, who was at the door?” Corlynn asked. Worry saturated her tone. “What happened? Sweetheart, why are you crying?”
Josh finally moved his glassy gaze to his mother’s worry creased face. He didn’t even know if he would be able to speak, but he knew he had to say something.
“Kali.” He choked out her name and it was barely audible. His voice cut out weakly and his shoulders shook violently.
“Is she alright? What on earth happened?”
Josh shook his head no, trying to make himself speak again. If he could just get the first few words out, he could continue. He needed help, and he had to speak up to get it.
“Mom,” he whispered. He paused for a moment, scrambling to form the other words. His brain kept screaming them but his mouth was slow on the uptake. Finally, he got them out. “I need to talk to you and Dad.”
Corlynn stared inquisitively at her son for a moment before nodding. “Go change into some dry clothes and I’ll get your father…” she said softly.
Josh’s feet carried him again, this time down to his room. He barely even noticed what he was doing as he undressed and pulled on warm clothes. He fumbled with the tie on his sweatpants as his fingers were still shaking but managed to get it done and cinched them into his tinier hips. Slowly he climbed the stairs in a daze. Each step was terrifying, because he knew what he was walking up to. He was about to add two more important people to the list of those who would never forgive him.
He found his way to the living room, fumbling his hands along the wall. He was scared that if he let go of something he may fall. His legs were trembling and felt painfully weak, and he doubted they’d be able to keep him upright much longer. By the time he got to the comfy living room, both his parents were seated on the couch. They looked at him with worry and apprehension in their eyes and Josh stared back dully. He found his way into the chair across from them and all was silent for a minute or two.
“Josh,” Miles spoke after staring at his son’s vacant face, “is everything alright, son?”
Again Josh shook his head no. The pain was starting to register, and he knew he had to tell them now before he fell apart.
“No, Dad,” he said quietly, “nothing is alright. I need to tell you and Mom some things you might not want to hear.”
The room was deathly silent. Both Corlynn and Miles Ramsay assumed what they thought was the worst: that Josh had gotten someone—Kali—pregnant. Neither of them spoke, however.
“Mom, Dad,” Josh began again, nearly choking on his words; “I’ve been lying to you and hiding some really serious things from you.”
Corlynn tightened her grip on Miles’ hand, her heart hammering in her chest.
“What is it, Joshua?” Miles asked when Josh took another long pause.
“I’m…” Josh struggled for the words. He didn’t want to say them. His parents both had the same look on their faces that Kali had and he couldn’t bear to look at them. “I’m addicted to things…”
Again silence filled the room. Josh played with his hands, dreading the other words he knew he had to say.
“…Josh…” Corlynn whispered. Her eyes were wide and fragile, fearing the rest of the story.
“I’m addicted to heroin and self-harm, and I’m bulimic.” The words came out painfully slow and Josh’s vision swam before him.
Corlynn’s hand went up to her mouth and tears began to fall from her usually kind eyes. Miles put his arm around her and held her close. Josh heard her sobs and finally looked at his parents, who both looked as grief-stricken as he’d ever seen them. His chest throbbed and he had to dig his nails into his palms to fight it off.
“How long have you…?” Miles stammered, not raising his eyes all the way to his son’s face.
“A few months,” Josh admitted. “I’m sorry. You have no idea how terrible I feel about it all…but I want—For Christ’s sake, look at me!” Josh hadn’t meant to raise his voice, but the tide of pain threatening to overtake him was frustrating. The fact that neither his mother nor his father could seem to look at his face only made it worse.
Corlynn and Miles jumped and both looked at their son. Josh’s face instantly fell and he felt guilty. His shoulders slumped forward and he took on the appearance of a docile animal.
“I—I want help,” he admitted in a much softer voice. “I want to get help so I can get better.”
Miles and Corlynn looked at one another for a moment and then back to their broken doll of a son. Corlynn stood up and walked across the room to Josh, enveloping him in a hug. Instantly he began to sob, gripping his mother to him tightly.
“I’m sorry, Mom…I’m so sorry…” he said shakily.
“Shh, Joshua,” Corlynn whispered through silent tears, “we’re going to get you the help you need.”