Fix Me

“This will be your room, Joshua. I’ll leave you to get accustomed to it, and once your bags have been thoroughly checked we’ll bring them back to you.” The friendly nurse was chattering on and on as she ushered Josh into a small, white room. He was barely listening but nodded his head and regular intervals to fool her.
He’d said his tearful goodbyes to his parents and apologized for being such a disappointment to them. He’d checked in at the rehab—Sunshine Coast Health Centre—and they’d set him up with everything that night. He’d gotten mildly frisked for anything even slightly resembling a sharp object and drugs. His bags had been taken for a thorough searching, which made him feel uncomfortable. They’d be touching his personal things. That was something Josh had never liked. He hated people encroaching on his personal property without consent first. However, there was nothing he could do about it in this situation. It was a mandatory bag check, and if he wanted to stay and get help he had to agree to it.
Josh walked into the room and looked around at the place he’d be spending all his time at for the next few months. It was sufficient size for one person, he guessed. There was a single bed with navy blue sheets in the middle of the dark tiled floor that’d been perfectly made. He wondered idly what messed up, tortured soul had slept there before him. The walls were pure white and spotless, and there were no windows. A solitary painting hung on the far wall. There was a thin black desk beside the bed with a chair to match it. A small mahogany dresser was pushed up against the wall opposite the bed. I guess it’ll have to do me, Josh sighed.
“…breakfast at 8 am, then you’ll have your counselling session with Dr. Parker for an hour. She’s going to listen to all you have to say about your addictions and help you through them, along with the help of myself and the rest of the staff here,” Nurse Lady was still rambling to Josh. He figured he should probably be listening, as it was likely useful information, but he couldn’t bring himself to focus or care. He was still in slight shock from everything that was happening. “When we bring your bags back to you, we’ll post a personal schedule for you above your desk over there so you don’t forget.”
Josh looked at her dully. He was silent as his blue eyes traced her form. She had dirty blonde hair that was pulled back in a short ponytail and dark blue eyes. She was short and perky and Josh couldn’t help but notice how seemingly out of place she looked. She seemed more like a cheerleader, man-hopper type, not the rehab nurse type.
“Yeah, okay.” he finally spoke. Nurse Lady smiled at him one more time before exiting and leaving him all by himself in his new “room.”
Josh wandered over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it. He bounced lightly and was somewhat pleased to see that it wasn’t hard as a rock. He hated feeling like he was sleeping on a plank of wood. He looked around at the white walls again, his eyes lingering on the painting that he was already getting bored of. He hadn’t even been by himself there for five minutes and he was bored of the place. He wanted out of the confined, dull room. He wanted to go back to Kali’s balcony.
His mind floated to Kali, as it always did throughout the day. She’d been so broken down because of everything that she had cried in front of him. He wondered if she was still crying now, while he was sitting alone in rehab. His heart ached and he just wanted to go back to her and comfort her. But he knew that he couldn’t back out now; he was stuck here until he was better. That’s what he’d always wanted to be, wasn’t it? He’d always wanted to be better; for himself and for Kali. That’s what he’d been trying to do when he’d made all those foolish decisions. He’d taken the wrong path to self-perfection and ruined everything good he’d had prior to it. Now he was turning around to start walking on the right path. He could only hope that then he could truly show Kali all he was worth and all he wanted to give to her.
He looked down at his hands and twirled the ring that now sat on the fourth finger of his right hand. The silver trim glinted in the fluorescent lighting and he smiled at it. He was glad they hadn’t seen it as some sort of mutilating weapon when he’d entered the facility. If they had, he would’ve revolted and yelled until they either kicked him out or permitted him to keep wearing the thing. He’d told Kali he would never take it off, and he intended to keep true to his word. The ring was all he had of her now. Taking it off would be like saying he didn’t want to remember her anymore, and that’s the last thing he wanted.
There was a light knock at his door and he snapped his head towards it. The Nurse Lady walked back in, this time carrying his black suitcases. He walked up to her and relieved her of them, setting them down in front of the dresser.
“You’re good to go, Mr. Ramsay,” she said cheerily. She walked past him to the desk and taped a laminated paper to the wall. “There is your personal schedule. Remember, wake up is at 7 am, so you may want to get some sleep now.”
Josh nodded, although he doubted he’d be able to catch a wink of sleep. It was good they had such a positive outlook on things here, though, even if it was delirious.
The Nurse Lady left again and Josh listened to her high heels clicking on the tile hallway until they faded away and all was silent. He kneeled down beside his suitcases and unzipped them. Filing through them he noticed mostly everything he’d put in there still remained. However, he noticed that his belts were missing.
“Great,” he grumbled. “I guess it could be worse…”
Josh undressed, put on his wife beater and pyjama pants and peeled back the tight sheets on the bed. “Who makes the beds here, the Incredible Hulk?” he asked aloud.
With a small yawn he walked over to the wall where the light switch was and flicked it off. The room was enveloped in darkness and he sighed as he felt his way back to the bed. He realized once he had slipped into the snug blankets that he’d completely disregarded his “personal schedule.” He didn’t see it as too big of an issue; he’d get to glare at it at 7 in the morning tomorrow.
Josh lifted his hands behind his head on the pillow. His eyes adjusted to the darkness and he sighed loudly. This was torture to him. He refused to show it, but he was already going crazy. The numbness he’d felt from the night’s events was fading and his system longed for heroin. He didn’t want to feel the pain that was about to envelope his entire body because he already knew it was some of the worst pain he’d felt in awhile. It ebbed at his mind like the threatening tide of the ocean, scorching and saturating his brain. His chest felt like someone was stabbing it repetitively with a sharp knife on the inside. With every beat of his heart the knife stabbed again, reminding him of what had happened, where he was, and who he’d left behind. He’d taken it all away from himself, and now he just hoped that this place could take away this pain and replace it with a renewed zest for life. However, he highly doubted they would succeed. Maybe he’d just stay here for the customary 2 months and pretend to be better. He was a pretty good actor; he’d taken the class in school for 3 consecutive years with leading roles. He could pull off being clean and new for a little while. Then, when they released him, he could go back to his old habits and keep on pretending like everything was okay. He’d grown good at that, too. No one would know any better…
The clock kept ticking, the night grew brighter, and the knives kept in time with it all. Continuous, evermore painful beats forming into a sick, annoying rhythm. It was like the worst song Josh had ever heard, but he was forced to listen to it and to live it. Continuous, flowing, pain…over and over again…
Stab…stab…stab…