Fix Me

Kali opened her tired eyes to the sound of light knocking on her bedroom door. Every part of her body ached and she wanted to do anything but move in that instant.
Colette Cooper, Kali’s mom, pushed open the door and poked her head into her daughter’s room. Kali rolled her head to look at her mother’s worried face. Kali supposed she had every right to be worried about her daughter. Kali had barely spoke to anyone or even come out of her room unless absolutely necessary since Josh had gone to rehab. It was obvious to anyone that she wasn’t the same person, but merely a ghost of the happy girl she once was.
“Sweetheart, you’re going to be late for school,” Colette said softly from the doorway. “You can’t keep ignoring your alarm clock, you know.”
Of course not, mom, I have you to wake me up all the time, Kali grumbled in her mind. “Sorry” was all she said.
Colette walked into Kali’s room and sat on the bed beside her daughter. She peered at her face with sad eyes. “I know you’re going through a tough time, but you have to pick yourself up, Kali. Things will be okay when he gets out.” she said.
Rage bubbled up in Kali’s throat at those words: “Things will be okay.” Kali swore if she had to hear those words one more time she was going to lose it. No, things weren’t okay, and they weren’t going to be for a long time. Everyone was so caught up in their false pretences, but Kali couldn’t believe that lie. She didn’t feel okay enough to believe it.
Kali just looked at her mother with burning eyes. She’d only gotten three hours of sleep last night. Ever since Josh went away she’d been losing more and more sleep over it. She was constantly worrying and feeling that now familiar guilt in her stomach. She was the reason Josh had to go to rehab. All along it’d been her fault, and she’d been too blind and stupid to see it. She’d never hated herself like this before; she dwelled on the pain she couldn’t forget.
“C’mon, Kali, time to wake up.” Colette brushed back Kali’s hair with gentle fingers before standing up and leaving her alone.
Slowly, Kali stood up in bed and began her now daily routine. She showered under scolding hot water, welcoming the tingling pain of it. She brushed and blow-dried her hair until it was ‘good enough’, and then returned to her room to pick out clothes. Her choices of attire had lost their colour since Josh had left. She picked out black skinny jeans, a long navy blue shirt and a grey cardigan overtop. She put a black toque over her hair and walked over to her mirror.
She stood for a minute or two, just staring. She wasn’t looking at her reflection, because it wasn’t something she liked to see lately. Instead, she was looking at the paper she had taped to the top left corner of her mirror. She read it everyday, even though she had it memorized, because it reminded her of him. It was Josh’s song, Beside You. It reminded her of everything he did for her. It hurt her to read it most days, but she couldn’t leave without seeing it.
Kali put on some light makeup and grabbed her school bag. With a shaky sigh she headed towards the front door of her house.
“I’m leaving,” she called out to no one in particular.
“Don’t you want a ride, honey?” Kali’s father asked from the dining room.
“No, I’m just going to walk it today,” Kali said as she opened the door. “Bye.”
The morning was chilly, and Kali drew her cardigan tighter around her. She squeezed her midsection lightly, looking up into the dull grey clouds. Her fingers fluttered up reflexively to her throat, where she felt Josh’s chain against her collarbone. It was cool metal against her warm skin and she twisted it around her fingers. Her mind went to Josh and she began to wonder how he was doing. Was he okay? Was he losing his mind? He’d been in there for three weeks already…was he getting any better?
Kali took off down her walkway and headed in the opposite direction from the school. She didn’t really know why she was going where she was going; she just wanted to be there. Maybe she could finally build up the courage to make it past the front doors once she arrived.
It was a 20 minute walk to the bus stop, and from there it was a 15 minute drive to the rehabilitation centre. Kali spent the entire time in silence. Her teeth were chattering by the time she got on the bus, but she ignored it. She sat by a window and tried to calm her racing heart. What am I doing? She asked herself. I’m wasting time when I should be in school. I can’t go in there and face everything I caused…
The bus dropped her off a block from the rehab. She walked there and squeezed her ribs tightly. The building looked so friendly and inviting from the outside, but she couldn’t imagine how sad and chaotic it must be on the inside. With a painful twinge in her heart she remembered her best friend was in there. He was in there because of her. As if that wasn’t enough to deal with, she was still struggling with her possible feelings for him. She’d never got a chance to figure them out before he’d left, and she wondered if she’d ever be able to face them again.
Slowly, she walked up to the building until she was a few feet away. The front doors were large and made of dark wood. A large sign hung out front that read ‘Sunshine Coast Rehabilitation Centre.’ For such a sad building the whole ‘Sunshine Coast’ thing seems a tad out of place, Kali thought idly.
Once again her fingers felt that cool chain around the base of her throat. She realized then, as she stood outside the building like a creep, that there was no way she could enter it. There was no way she could see Josh face-to-face, not yet. The truth was, she felt entirely guilty for everything that had happened to put him there. She felt sad whenever she thought of him, which was most of the time anyways. She’d gotten so mad at him, she’d yelled at him, hit him, and shut him down. She’d treated him so terribly because she didn’t want to admit to the truth that she was losing her best friend. She could feel him slipping away from her all that time he was lying and struggling, and she hated it. She hated him for how he was acting, but she couldn’t let him go. She kept giving him chances and they all ended up ruined. When she heard the truth she realized she really couldn’t handle it. No little apology was going to make up for the things she’d done to ruin him, so what was left to say?
The wind whipped her hair around her face, nearly blowing her hat off, and she sighed. She was wasting her time standing in front of the building like a coward. Quickly, she spun around and began walking away from it as tears slid silently down her face. The tears, like the pain, had become a daily occurrence. She barely noticed them anymore.
A breeze that carried her name on it brushed her neck, but all she let herself think about was the long walk to school she had ahead of her.

He could’ve sworn that was her. He remembered that grey cardigan, and the hair was unmistakably hers. What was she doing there? Why was she just standing in front of the place like a ghost?
Josh stood on the deck, leaning over the railing to try and see clearer. He’d been writing songs at one of the tables outside; something he’d been doing a lot of lately. He’d looked up to see a girl standing on the sidewalk outside the entrance to the rehabilitation centre. She’d caught his attention because she merely stood there, unmoving, playing with something at her neck. He’d immediately gotten the feeling like he knew her, and when he looked closer only one name came to mind.
“Kali…” He called out, but the wind stole his voice away from him. Almost as soon as he spoke, she began to walk away.
He wanted to go after her, but he’d never get past the front doors. He wasn’t meant to leave this place. There was nothing he could do.
He didn’t move from his spot against the railing even after she’d walked away. Maybe he’d just been hallucinating. She’d never actually been there at all; it was all in his head. Now he was just making himself look like a fool, waiting for her to come back. She wasn’t going to.
Slowly, he walked back towards his table. He stared at the open notebook in front of him and all the words he’d written on it. He’d started writing a song that he’d already entitled ‘Push’. Mainly it was about his catastrophic fall into the drug world and how he wasn’t sure why he did it now. All he knew was he felt like shit for everything and writing was the only thing that gave him some kind of release.
Absentmindedly, he spun the dark blue and silver ring around on his finger. It had quickly become a new habit for him. He always fidgeted with the ring to replace his constant desire for heroin. It didn’t completely take his mind off of it, but it helped a little. Josh knew it was because it was a gift from Kali. It was like she as helping him all along.
Just then, the door to the deck opened and Nurse Lindsey—turns out Nurse Lady had a name—stepped out. She put that smile Josh detested onto her face when she looked at him. Smiles didn’t fit in here.
“Joshua, there you are!” she said in her much-too-chipper voice. “It’s time for you to meet with Dr. Parker again.”
Josh sighed and closed up his notebook. He muttered a displeased “Okay” and stood up to follow her inside.
Josh walked down the now familiar tiled hallways to his appointment for more relentless brain-picking from a way too good-looking lady doctor who didn’t seem to know as much as her diplomas boasted.
Nurse Lindsey opened the large oak door for Josh and smiled as he walked in sluggishly. Dr. Parker was seated at her expansive desk, scribbling into a folder. She looked up upon his entry and smiled brightly at him.
“Josh, nice to see you again,” she said in her usual purr. “Please, take a seat.”
Josh slowly sat down in one of the thick armchairs positioned across from her. He always felt uncomfortable in here. Maybe it was the intimidating size of the office, or maybe it was the room temperature being a little warm, or maybe it was because Dr. Parker didn’t look like she belonged here any more than Josh did. He wasn’t too sure yet.
Dr. Rebecca Parker was in her high twenties, 5’7 with chest length wavy blonde hair and a model body. She had large, round blue eyes that were protected by thick-rimmed square glasses, a dainty nose and a permanent pout in her lips. She always wore a light pink blouse with a grey tweed jacket overtop and a grey pencil skirt to match. Every piece of her outfit was extremely form-fitting, and Josh could swear her skirt kept getting shorter and shorter. He didn’t care enough to look all the time, though.
“So,” Dr. Parker spoke as she closed up the folder she’d been writing in, “how are you today, Joshua?”
Josh shrugged. “Fine, I guess.” He gave the same answer every time. He didn’t know how he was, but if he told her he didn’t know, she’d tell him that’s not an acceptable answer. So he went with the answer that looked like it showed the most progress.
“You guess?” she asked, raising a perfectly waxed eyebrow.
Josh looked at her with tired, bored eyes. “I’m 17 years old and in a rehabilitation centre,” he said, “so yeah, I guess.”
“You seem especially on edge this morning,” she deduced. She wrote something down on a sheet. “Do you suppose that has to do with your cravings?”
“I’m not sure what else it could be.” Josh grumbled. He began to play with the coils of his notebook. He soon realized drawing attention to the object in his hands was a mistake.
“What’s that?” Dr. Parker asked, pointing to the book with her pen.
“Oh, it’s nothing…just a notebook…” Josh mumbled.
“May I see, Joshua?”
Josh looked up at her with a steely gaze, but judging by the look on her face, ‘no’ wasn’t going to be an acceptable answer. Sheepishly, he handed over his notebook. She leafed through the pages quickly and Josh watched her eyes skim over his writing.
“You wrote all these poems?” she inquired. She peered at Josh over the top of her glasses.
“They’re lyrics, actually,” he mumbled, “and yeah, I did.”
“They’re very good…what’s this one about?” She held the notebook out to him and tapped her pen against a specific page.
Josh leaned forward and swallowed hard. He’d written down the song he’d made for Kali into his own notebook so he wouldn’t forget it. That was the one she was pointing to.
“Oh, that,” he murmured. “I wrote that for…a friend.”
“A special friend?” Dr. Parker offered him a secretive little smile.
“I wish…” Josh whispered.
“Hm, please, tell me about her.” She handed Josh his notebook and took out a new sheet of paper for her to write notes on.
Josh just stared at her for awhile. She wanted him to tell her about Kali. He had to admit, he never thought he’d be talking about the girl he loved to a therapist of all people.
Dr. Parker raised her eyebrows at him while she awaited his answer.
“Oh, well, it’s just…this girl…uh…” Josh scratched the back of his head. He could say so much about Kali, but he felt awkward discussing her to his therapist. Where did he even start?
“Go on…” she prompted.
“Um…I’ve known her all my life. I guess, somewhere along the line, I just…tripped over the friend boundary and fell for her.” He could feel heat rise to his face. He’d never felt more uncomfortable.
“What is she like in your eyes exactly?” Dr. Parker was writing down notes at a rapid pace already. This intimidated Josh even more.
“Well, she’s…just…perfect. She’s beautiful and funny and talented…” Josh could go on, but he refused to start rambling. “She’s everything I want and everything I can’t have.”
“Does she have a boyfriend?”
“No, she just doesn’t know how I feel about her.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know…I just couldn’t ever tell her. I was going to, but…”
“But what?”
“Things got…complicated.”
“Mhmm…mhmm…”
Josh waited as Dr. Parker wrote down more words. He couldn’t exactly read what she was writing, but he was sure it wasn’t good.
“Did she do anything consciously or unconsciously to spark your bad habits?” Dr. Parker stared at Josh with an intent eye.
Again Josh was silent for a moment. If he told her the truth, like he was supposed to, would she put all the blame on Kali? What if she tried to tell Josh he should stay away from her and forget? He was certain he’d snap…
“She just…went on a date with a guy I didn’t care for…Like I said, she doesn’t know how I feel. It’s not her fault. I just…got upset and I wanted to stop feeling so sad and betrayed. I wanted to be better than that guy. I just wanted to be someone that…that…” Josh faded off, searching for the words.
“Someone that she deserves?” Dr. Parker concluded for him.
Josh eyed her with his icy blue stare for a moment. “Yeah.” he nodded. Why did I just say all that?
“I see.” She continued to write.
“It’s not her fault, really, it isn’t—” Josh began. He felt the need to defend Kali after all he’d divulged to Dr. Parker. He didn’t care what some so-called psychotherapist said; he wasn’t going to lose Kali to anyone.
“I didn’t say it was, Josh.” She set down her pen and looked at him with a smile. “However, I do think that your bottled up feelings for her caused most of the destruction inside that pretty little head of yours. You need to voice those sorts of things, because after time the pain starts to build up and you begin to want her more, and you get jealous much easier. That would explain your reaction to her date with this enemy of yours.”
“How can I tell her anything when I’m locked up in here?” Josh furrowed his brow.
“Perhaps you can’t, yet,” Dr. Parker shrugged. “You know we can’t force people to come in for visits. But, why don’t you try writing a pretend letter to her explaining everything? Maybe you could write her another song.”
Josh didn’t say anything. What was writing it out supposed to do? Sure, it helped sometimes, but at the end of the day he’d still love her and be unable to tell her. The idea was useless and pointless already, but again, he couldn’t just say ‘no.’
“Give it a try, okay? If you write anything tonight, show it to me tomorrow.” She smiled her phoney smile at him.
Josh just nodded slowly. It was quite possible that he hated her ‘recommendations’ the most.
She began to ask him questions about how he was doing in treatment and how things were outside of her office. It was boring and Josh was tired from no sleep. He let his mind wander back to Kali, standing just outside his realm of accessibility; on the outside staring in. She’d been like a beautiful ghost, simply watching over him. He knew then that he couldn’t have hallucinated and imagined her there, because the feeling he got when he’d seen her had been too real. His heart had skipped a beat and his breath had caught in his chest. None of it felt empty; like a hollow reaction. She made him feel real and whole, unlike everything else. Only she could evoke that kind of a response from him.
He smiled, despite how seemingly out of place it was in his therapist’s office. He smiled not because Dr. Parker said something funny or right, but because Kali had been there, to the rehab. He smiled because he knew she still thought of him.