Fix Me

When something causes you pain, your first instinct is to stay away from it. That’s the first thing you know to do. It hurts, and you refuse to put yourself through that awful feeling again. But, what do you do when the thing that hurt you the worst is also the thing you love the most? What do you do when you can’t stay away from it, no matter how badly you want to? I’m trying to stay away…but it’s harder than I thought it’d be. I see her from time to time, and she looks so confused and sad. And all I can think is I did that to her. But she also did this to me. So, in a way, I guess we’re even now…
It was noon, and Josh was seated in a secluded area behind his high school. He was writing in a small blue notebook he had in his locker. He had so many thoughts running around his head lately, and since he didn’t have anyone he could voice them too, he had to write them down to get them to leave him alone for awhile.
It’d been two weeks since Kali had told Josh how she was planning on going on a date with Trace. As far as he knew, they hadn’t gone yet. He hoped they never would, but he knew that was wishful thinking. Josh still hurt when he thought about it. What if Trace won Kali over, and he ended up losing her forever? He would bet money that was Trace’s plan this whole time. All he wanted was to steal Kali away from Josh and make him miserable. So, why couldn’t Kali see that, too? Why was she so sure that she may see something other than a loser in Trace if she went on a date with him? Why would she ever put Josh through this?
Josh threw down his pen and leaned his head back against the cold brick of the school. He always ended up getting angry when he thought about it too much. He hated being so angry at Kali. He knew she didn’t deserve it, but he couldn’t help it.
With a yawn, he closed his eyes. On the black canvas of his eyelids, he saw Kali’s face from the last time he’d spotted her around school. She’d looked so sad and lonely without Josh there. Sure, she’d been surrounded by other girls that thought of themselves as her friends, but anyone could tell she didn’t feel comfortable. She’d been holding herself together with her arms wrapped around her midsection, and her eyes were dull and withdrawn from everyone. Any smile she’d shown was weak and it only appeared for a fraction of a second.
The sight of her had made Josh’s heart give a sickening lurch, and it did so again now. He knew that he’d done that to her by ignoring her and trying to stay as far away from her as he could. He would’ve stayed farther away if his father had permitted him to ditch out of school for a week or two. But at the same time, she’d done worse to Josh. He’d barely spoken to anyone in days and skipped every class he had with Kali. His parents had grounded him for it, but still he refused to go. He refused to have to see her or be close to her, because, if he got too close, he might just ruin everything again and tell her exactly how he felt.
Josh ran the ball of his tongue piercing across his teeth absentmindedly. It’d quickly become a new habit of his after he got it pierced and it healed some. Both his hair and his piercing reminded him of Kali, but he couldn’t bring himself to get rid of them. His parents hadn’t freaked out half as badly as he’d thought they would, anyways. And besides all that, he liked them.
The cool breeze tousled his hair and flipped the pages of his open notebook. He heard gravel crunching under shoes nearby, but he didn’t care. If he just stayed still with his eyes closed, maybe they’d assume he was sleeping and leave him alone. If they were smart, that was.
Apparently, they weren’t.
The gravel crunching stopped a few feet away from him and all was silent for a moment or two. Then, a rough, tired voice spoke up.
“Hey, you. What are you doing out here?” it asked.
Josh opened one eye slowly and checked out his rather unwelcome visitor. He recognized the kid, but didn’t know his name. He had black jeans on, muddy shoes, a brown plaid shirt and a leather jacket. His hair was shaved until it appeared as though he was bald. His eyes were an unsettling shade of blue that contrasted with his pale, waxy skin. He had dark circles underneath them, and many scars and pimples decorated his complexion. He was actually pretty scary looking.
Josh sat up straighter against the school and eyed the kid reproachfully. “Trying to sleep. Is that okay with you?” He replied darkly.
“No need to get lippy, kid. I was just wondering.” The boy laughed at Josh, revealing blackened teeth. “The name’s Xavier Rowan. What’s yours?”
Josh hesitated. Did he want this kid, this Xavier person, to know his name? He had a bad feeling about him. Then again, Josh had a bad feeling about Trace, but that hadn’t stopped Kali from agreeing to a date with him. “My name’s Josh Ramsay.”
“I’ve seen you before. What grade are you in, Josh?” Xavier asked, kicking around gravel with a muddy steel-toe.
“11.” What was this, small talk? Was he going to ask about the weather next?
“Say, where’s that girl you’re always hanging around with?” Xavier asked. He raised his freaky eyes to Josh’s and narrowed them, waiting for an answer.
Josh wasn’t sure he wanted to give him one. Just the mention of Kali from someone who didn’t know her hurt, even though it shouldn’t. He felt guilt, heartbreak, and that annoying lump of tears gathering in his throat. He couldn’t cry in front of this Xavier, he’d likely kick Josh’s ass for being a wimp. So, in an extremely quiet voice, Josh answered, “Probably getting excited to go on a date with a bastard tonight.”
Xavier nodded as if he knew exactly what Josh was going through. “Ah. Breaking your heart, you mean?”
Josh shrugged. He didn’t want to admit more than he should. “Kind of, I guess.”
Xavier walked closer to Josh and pointed to the spot next to him. “Do you mind?”
Again, Josh shrugged and said glumly, “It’s a free country.”
With a light laugh, Xavier slid down the wall and sat next to Josh. He put his hands in his pockets and stared at the landscape in front of them. “Look,” he began, nudging Josh with his shoulder, “I know we don’t talk in school, but I hate to see a good man upset. You seem like a good man to me, Ramsay. I’ll gladly cheer you up, if you like. Just come with me. I know what could do the trick.”
Josh furrowed his brow at Xavier. He was right about one thing, they didn’t talk in school. They’d never spoken before this moment. What on earth should make Josh decide to go with this guy to ‘cheer up’? Xavier was sketchy-looking, so what did that say about his personality? Then again, Josh had never been one to really judge people without getting to know them a little. So far Xavier seemed like he was alright, despite his appearance. But wasn’t that how most people got murdered? They got lured in by someone nice and then before they knew it their body was chopped up in a bag somewhere? Josh shuddered at the thought.
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea…” he replied finally, trying to brush it off as nicely as possible.
“Oh, c’mon, just trust me. I swear I’m not going to kill you or something. It’ll just be a little something fun to try and make you feel better.” Xavier said, nudging Josh again. It was almost like he knew Josh had been wondering if he’d get murdered, and that freaked him out a bit.
“What would we be doing?” Josh asked. He was still battling his inner war.
“You’d have to come with me to see, wouldn’t you?” Xavier smiled.
Josh sighed and leaned his head back against the brick wall. He shouldn’t be so judgemental. He should be open to making a new potential friend in Xavier. Everyone knew he could use more of those. With a set jaw, he realized something. If Kali could agree to go on a date with Trace of all people, knowing how Josh felt about him and how bad of a person he was, then why couldn’t Josh agree to go hang out with Xavier for awhile? There was no reason why not.
“Sure, I’ll come with you, I guess. As long as I can bail whenever I want to.” Josh finally agreed with a steely gaze.
“Of course. C’mon, Ramsay.” Xavier stood up and offered Josh a hand. Gathering his notebook and pen, he took it and began to walk with this sort-of stranger.
Josh followed Xavier across the school parking lot and down an alley or two before he started to get a little worried. “Where exactly are you taking me?”
“The bridge. You’ll like it.” Xavier responded.
I hope so, Josh thought as he ducked under a low-hanging tree branch.
Finally they’d reached their destination and Josh followed Xavier down a steep bank and into a large cemented area. There were graffiti messages and pictures covering the reachable cement barriers, and a fire was burning in a barrel. Several kids sat around it in chairs. Each one of them had piercings, tattoos, and intense hair. Josh swallowed hard. What had he gotten himself into this time?
“Everyone,” Xavier began as they got close to all the kids, “this is Josh Ramsay. He’s in grade 11, and he was having a bad day. I brought him here to cheer him up a little.” Xavier smirked knowingly and pulled a lawn chair towards Josh. “Sit.”
Slowly, Josh settled into the chair and stared at everyone. They all seemed to be watching him like he was some sort of special prize, and it made him feel uncomfortable.
Xavier pulled up a chair next to him and leaned forward in it, looking Josh up and down. “So, are you ready to feel better?”
“What are you gonna do?” Josh asked in a tiny voice. He was starting to feel like he could use his bail card right about now.
Xavier smiled eerily again and reached around beside him into a small shaving kit. He pulled out a needle and flicked it a couple times. Inside the needle was a brownish liquid. Xavier smiled at it like it was precious to him.
Josh leaned forward and stared hard at the needle for a second before it finally clicked. Inside the needle was heroin. Josh sat back immediately and stared in shock at Xavier and the drug. His heart was hammering in his chest and his mind was racing. This hadn’t been what he’d expected at all.
His lips moved for a long time as they tried to form words. When he could eventually spit something out, all he could say was, “That’s heroin.”
“Good guess, kid.” a bright red-haired girl spoke up from Josh’s left. She eyed him curiously.
“Yep, it is. It’ll take all your pain away.” Xavier nodded, turning his scary gaze on Josh. Suddenly he looked much more intimidating than he had before.
“I—I can’t do that…” Josh shook his head, standing up from his seat. He found he couldn’t move his legs, though. He was too shocked and scared to move anywhere. “I can’t do this…that’s a serious drug…I…”
“It’s not that bad, really,” a spiky haired boy said from beside Xavier. He looked like he was terminally ill. “It just makes you feel great while you’re on it. You can stop anytime.”
“Is that what you were told?” Josh asked with a glare. The boy just laughed maniacally at him.
Xavier laughed too. “It’s really not that bad. You can’t tell me you’ve never used any drug, ever.”
“I’ve gotten stoned a couple times, maybe, but…never something like this…that’s a really serious drug…” Josh admitted awkwardly. Why wasn’t he leaving if he was so scared?
Xavier sighed and stood up to look Josh in the eyes. “Answer me this, Ramsay: how many friends to you have besides…her?”
Josh swallowed. He wanted to smack Xavier for bringing Kali into all of this, but he knew that wouldn’t be a good idea. Instead, he gave him an honest answer. “Not too many, I guess…”
“Exactly. You could have me and all my friends.” Xavier responded, opening his arms to all the kids seated around them. A few of them nodded in agreement. “You won’t have to worry about her anymore. This will numb the pain of your heartbreak. She hurt you, don’t forget. We can make you happy again.”
“You don’t know the first thing about Kali…” Josh began, scrunching his hands into fists.
Xavier held up his hands in defence. “No, I don’t. I’m not saying I do. I’m just saying, I know she hurt you. That much is completely clear. I just want to help you out a little.”
Josh couldn’t do much else but stare at Xavier. What was he going to do? A couple weeks ago he would’ve never thought he’d be under a bridge with a bunch of druggies being offered heroin. A couple of weeks ago he would’ve had no reason to consider taking it, either…
Kali floated into Josh’s mind and again he saw her hurt face, crumbling into tears. What would Kali think if she knew what Josh was doing? She’d definitely never speak to him again. She’d likely never look at him again. Would that be a terrible thing? Yes. Would it be a terrible thing if she was with Trace all the time? No. Was Josh anticipating her to be with Trace all the time? 100% yes. Would this…heroin…even fix Josh’s problems like all these kids said it would? If Josh knew anything from previous experience with drugs and alcohol, it’d numb him for a little while. But, would that be enough was the question. Josh hurt more than he cared to admit at that moment. There was a possibility he was going to get the one girl he loved taken away from him forever by the one guy he hated the most. Maybe after tonight Josh wouldn’t even matter to Kali anymore. Then he really wouldn’t have anything to lose.
Josh tore his gaze away from the needle and Xavier to all the kids seated around the burning barrel. They were clearly all outcasts and misfits who’d had their hearts and/or homes broken. They’d had to have been in the same position Josh is in now to get to where they are. Yet, despite their lives going down the drain, they all seemed to have one another. Maybe that was exactly what Josh needed now. He just needed someone, anyone…he needed friends. He needed friends that wouldn’t lie to him or ditch him for people he hated. He needed real friends that would care and appreciate him. That was exactly what Xavier was offering. All Josh had to do was take the needle to the vein…
In that instant, everything seemed so simple. One needle for the price of his pain and suffering as opposed to continuing on just as he had been, alone, broken and hurt. He only had to do it once, he told himself. Just one time and it’ll all be over…
When Xavier depressed the plunger and released the sick-looking fluid into Josh’s vein, it hurt, but only for an instant. There was a pinch, a rush of fluid, a small burn, and then it was over. Cheers went up around him and everyone clapped. Josh had never had so many people applaud him at once. He smiled, genuinely smiled, for the first time in weeks. He felt happy for once. Kali was gone. His pain was gone. All he felt was peacefulness, calm, and the sensation that he’d found his place in the world, and it was with all his new friends. It was where nothing ever hurt. At least for a little while.