Fix Me

Josh felt sick. His entire body was aching and churning and he hadn’t even moved yet. Slowly, he opened his eyes to his room and wondered how he’d gotten there. The last thing he remembered was running along the bridge with Xavier and some of his friends. They’d all been high on heroin…
Josh sat bolt upright in bed and immediately afterwards realized it was a bad idea. His head throbbed and his stomach lurched. His eyes were burning at the sunlight filtering in through his window and he pulled his blinds shut viciously as he rubbed his aching head. Gradually he stood up and began to shuffle to his bathroom. Without turning on the lights for fear of pain, he fished around for a couple Advil. Once he’d ingested the pills he went back to his room and lied down on his bed with a groan. At least he could still sleep for a little longer…
Beep, beep, beep, beep.
His alarm clock began screeching from his bedside table. Josh jumped at the increasingly annoying noise and slammed a fist down on the clock, nearly smashing it. Through gritted teeth Josh swore. He had school today.
He refused to get out of bed for as long as he could before his mom called his name from the top of the stairs and told him to get up. Once she’d yelled, he took off his clothes from yesterday that he’d apparently slept in and walked to the shower. When he saw his reflection in the bathroom mirror, he jumped backwards a bit. His skin seemed paler than usual and he already had dark circles flowering beneath his eyes, which still looked slightly bloodshot.
It’s the hangover from hell…He groaned.
His shower felt nice. The hot water flowed over his skin, soothing his tired muscles and awakening his pores. He felt a lot better when he got out. Tying a towel around his waist he made his way back to his room and got dressed for the day.
While Josh was pulling a shirt over his head, his left arm throbbed unpleasantly. Upon inspection, Josh noticed a small bruise that had appeared around the point where the heroin had entered his system yesterday. He brushed two fingers lightly over the bruise, and felt it tingle. He wanted more.
Quickly, Josh raced to his car and took off. He was intent on finding Xavier so he could satisfy his needs again. That was all he cared about in that moment. That is, until she crossed his mind again.
A sick twinge of guilt surfaced in Josh’s stomach, and his lips pulled themselves into a tight line. He wondered if she’d be waiting for him this morning. Would she be expecting to see his face pull up in front of her house like he had every morning since he’d gotten his license? Well, she’d be waiting for an awfully long time.
Josh passed his high school and continued on until he couldn’t drive anymore. At that point he parked his car and walked the rest of the way to the bridge. As suspected, Xavier and the rest of Josh’s new found social group were seated there. Josh hesitated on the top of the steep bank, watching them for a moment.
The boy with the spiky hair, Jeremy, pointed to him. “Look who’s returned.” he said aloud so everyone including Josh could hear him. “You’ve created a monster out of this one, Xavier.”
Xavier looked up from his drugs and found Josh watching him. “Ramsay! What are you doing? Come down here.”
Josh smiled at his welcome and slid down the dusty bank. “Morning, everyone,” he greeted warmly, “how are you feeling?”
“We’re fine, how are you feeling?” The red-haired girl, Bree, asked. One of her black, drawn-on eyebrows lifted up.
“A little on the crappy side, to be honest.” Josh shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets. “Are you not supposed to feel like this?”
“When you first start using, that’s normal,” Xavier shrugged, “but if you keep at it, it gets better. I can help you with that.” He held up a freshly filled needle.
“I was hoping you could.” Josh smirked.
“Here, you do it yourself this time,” Xavier nodded proudly at Josh and handed him the needle. He pointed to a spot on the inside of Josh’s elbow. “Just put it right there.”
Josh hesitated for a moment, feeling slightly nervous at doing it himself. But, if he was going to continue doing this as he wanted to, he had to learn sometime. Following Xavier’s directions, Josh inserted the needle into his vein with a small wince and pushed down the plunger. The liquid drug filled his veins once again and he relaxed. He was impervious to pain once again.
“Ugh. Thanks, Xavier. I owe you.” Josh smiled, handing back the needle. He reclined his head and his eyes fluttered closed in pleasure.
“No problem, Ramsay,” Xavier replied. “Next time, you buy your own batch. I’ll give you a deal on it since I’m a nice guy. $80 for enough H to get you through a day or two. Deal?”
“$80?” Josh exclaimed. “That’s a lot of money.”
“Drugs ain’t cheap, J. Especially not this one.” shrugged Xavier.
“Fine. I should be able to get $80 together by the end of the week. You have yourself a deal.” Josh shook Xavier’s hand and began to retreat to the bank again. “I have to get to class, though. Thanks again, man. You’re a real lifesaver.”

The classroom door opened and the teacher was interrupted mid-lecture. Everyone looked up to see who’d come into class late, and shocks and whispers followed. Kali, however, found herself unable to breathe let alone speak.
“Mr. Ramsay, how nice of you to join us again. Take a seat. I’d recommend you stay after class to see me. You have quite the pile of homework waiting for you.” Mr. Collins said with a reproachful stare in Josh’s general direction.
Josh stumbled into the classroom and sat in a seat in the back, nearly falling off of it when he landed.
Kali could do nothing but stare at him. It was the first time he’d shown up to Psychology in weeks. Where had he been? What had he been doing? Was he sick? He looked sick. Kali found herself asking all the same questions as the people around her were whispering. Indeed, Josh didn’t look right. His hair was a mess, his eyes were red and droopy-looking with black circles around them and his skin was paler than usual. Plus, was it just a trick of the eye, or was he shaking?
She wanted nothing more than to walk across the classroom to him and demand what his problem was. She wanted to scream at him and get all her rage out. Why hadn’t he been returning her calls? Why was he ignoring her? She needed him and he’d been nowhere to be found. He had some serious explaining to do, and if she had to hunt him down after school, she would. She was so tired of him running around her and hiding from her. It wasn’t how best friends acted, and it definitely wasn’t how Josh acted.
What had happened to him?

I guess you could say I feel great. Synthetic great, but great nonetheless. I’m just really high all the time now. It’s the only way I can deal with all my stupid feelings and thoughts while maintaining my composure somewhat. I don’t care as much anymore. She’s stopped getting to me. I saw her today. I was in two classes with her, only a few feet away. But guess what? I didn’t look at her once. I knew she was there, but I didn’t dare look at her. If I looked at her, that’d pose a huge problem for me. I’d probably fall for her all over again and she’d ruin my buzz. I can’t have someone ruining my buzz, especially not her. I’m pretty sure she was looking at me. She had to have been, everyone else was. They were all whispering, I could hear them. But I didn’t care. None of them matter to me anymore. None of them ever really did…
Josh stumbled out of the dimly lit coffee shop into the bright afternoon sun. He winced and held an arm up to shield his gaze. The rays burnt his bloodshot eyes and he blinked rapidly to ease the pain.
“Ouch,” he groaned, “that’s bright.”
He put on his sunglasses and walked across the street to a park. There weren’t too many people there, so he figured, why not? It was better to sit in a park for a couple more hours than to go home. He’d just refreshed his heroin buzz, going home would be like voluntarily walking into the lion’s den.
He tripped on the grass a couple times, but managed to maintain his balance. He felt like he was walking on constantly moving clouds. It was pleasant but an uncertain task at the same time. After what felt like forever, he finally found a bench and took a seat. Leaning back, he took out his blue notebook again and reread his entry for the day.
Meanwhile, a few feet away, a girl was walking. She was carrying all her school books still and was trying to make it home in one piece. No one had been there to pick her up after school, so yet again she had to walk for nearly an hour just to get home. Normally, she wouldn’t complain. She’d see it as exercise and not take it for granted. But lately she’d had to haul a million books home with her after school, and it made the task nearly impossible and extremely tiring.
Despite the heavy load and stress, she liked walking through this park. It was extremely green and healthy looking, and there was always nice people in it. Sometimes there were even people she knew. People like…Josh.
Kali stopped walking and froze. Could it really be him sitting on that bench, or was there someone else with black and blue hair like that in Van City? She didn’t know what to do. Did she go to him and kick him in the shins a couple times, or keep walking? She wanted to do both, and as a result her legs refused to move at all.
Her heart was beating so hard she could hear it in her ears. Why was he suddenly having this affect on her? Sure, he made her mad now, but was that really it? Her emotions were so confused she could never tell what she truly felt when she thought of Josh now, let alone when she actually saw him.
Without even thinking about it, her lips formed the name for her. In a voice that didn’t even sound like her own, she called out, “Josh.”
His head lifted up and it took him a moment before his eyes found her behind his sunglasses. He froze, too, and they had a moment where they just stared at one another in shock.
Josh couldn’t believe what he was seeing. It has to be the heroin, he told himself, I’m just hallucinating. No, he wasn’t. And he knew that, despite how badly he wished he didn’t. Kali was standing in front of him, rooted to her spot. The air between them felt awkward and tense with all the conflicting emotions and questions they had between them now. Josh wasn’t prepared to answer her questions at that moment.
Gathering up all her courage and willing her legs to move, she slowly walked towards him. He looked like he was trying to dissolve into the bench, he was pushed so far back into it.
Kali took in his appearance and shook her head. She forced back the lump of tears that was threatening to cut off her strength and ability to speak. “Where have you been?” she asked.
Josh seemed taken aback that she’d spoken to him. His eyebrows raised above his sunglasses and his mouth opened and closed several times while his brain tried to form a response. She waited patiently for him to speak.
“I’ve been busy,” he finally answered in a rough voice, “people and things…”
“What people?” she asked. “What things?”
Josh shook his head and looked down at his feet. “Don’t worry about it, Kali.” Her questions were annoying him slightly; picking away at his brain much like an unpleasant version of the heroin. And the guilt he felt when he saw her saddened eyes ripped holes into his heart and made it difficult to breathe.
“How can I not worry about it, Josh? You’ve been so distant and…and snappy, I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I haven’t spoke to you in years and it shouldn’t be like that between us.” Kali’s voice cracked under the pressure of tears in her throat.
“I haven’t been…” Josh stammered. He was starting to feel dizzy. The H in his system wasn’t liking this confrontation any more than he was.
“I stopped seeing you everyday,” Kali was crying now. F*ck. Her words were separated by gulps for air and shaky breaths out in between. “You stopped coming to our classes, you stopped calling me…you don’t even know how many times I sat at work watching the door and waiting for you to walk through it.”
Josh swallowed back his own tears. She really knew how to kill a buzz and make a guy feel like shit. “Kali…”
“You even stopped picking me up for school in the morning. I’d wait and wait for you and…you wouldn’t come. You never came.” Kali sniffed. Tears were racing down her cheeks.
Josh tasted poison in his mouth and he was suddenly mad at her. She’d brought his absence on herself; what right did she have to be even half as upset as he was?
“Well I’m sorry,” he snapped, “I guess I figured your boyfriend would pick you up.”
Kali stammered and blinked quickly. She looked like Josh had just slapped her across the face. Good.
“You’ve got to be kidding me…” she whispered after a while. Her eyes had never reflected so much hurt and Josh refused to see it. “You really can’t be serious right now, Josh. He’s not my boyfriend. I left him in the restaurant before the food even arrived.”
Josh had to laugh at that. “What happened?” he asked. “Did you finally realize how big of a pretentious as*hole he is?”
Kali looked down at her hands shamefully. “No,” she murmured. Josh was forced to look at her so he could listen to her extremely quiet voice. “I realized that I was hurting my best friend.”
Josh just stared at her hard. Was she apologizing to him? It was a good thing, because he’d been wanting an apology, but it was also a bad thing because now he had a bigger problem. Now he had to really hide his budding heroin addiction from her.
“What?” he sputtered after awhile.
“I’m sorry. I know what I did was wrong. I knew how you felt about Trace and I still agreed to go out with him. You’re more important to me than anyone else, and it was a stupid mistake.” All these words tumbled out of Kali’s mouth in a rapid pace. It almost appeared like she’d been thinking them over for days.
Josh felt conflicted. He wanted Kali back, but he wasn’t good at lying to her. He always felt guilty when he kept anything from her. He didn’t care about anyone else, he just didn’t want to jeopardize his relationship with her. But this was almost a deal breaker…
Tears were continuing to fall from her bright, liquid-filled eyes and Josh couldn’t take it anymore. He felt bad. Seeing her cry was terrible to him. Especially knowing those tears were his fault. Slowly, he reached out a hand and lightly brushed a tear from her cheek. She stopped quivering and watched him perplexedly. Did his random act of kindness means he was forgiven?
“It’s okay, Kali,” Yes, it did. “I’m sorry, too.”
Her tear was instantly cold on his hand, and he watched it for awhile. It glimmered in the sun and for a second he thought he saw shapes in it. He shook his head and removed his hallucinations.
Without hesitation or permission, Kali threw her arms around Josh’s neck. She was hugging him. Why?
Hesitantly, Josh placed his arms around her small waist. So was close to him again; pressed up against him. He could take her and make her his so easily. He could finally have her. He bit his tongue until he tasted blood to calm down.
“I missed you a lot,” she sighed into his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”
“I missed you, too.” Josh held her even tighter to him.
Softly, Kali pulled back and ran her hands down the arms of his jacket. She squeezed at the elbows, just a little bit, and Josh winced. “Ow.”
“Are you okay?” Kali asked quickly.
“I’m fine,” He laughed nervously as he rubbed his elbows. “I’m just a little sore or something.”
“Oh.”
There was a small awkward silence between them and they avoided eye contact. Josh didn’t feel safe knowing his mysterious “soreness” was likely on Kali’s mind. He wanted to distract her as it was only a matter of time until she either asked to see his elbows or figured it out herself. Kali definitely wasn’t a stupid person.
“Do you…want a ride?” he asked quietly.
She looked at him miraculously before smiling and nodding her head. “Yes. I’d love a ride.”
“C’mon, I’ll get you a coffee first.” Josh hadn’t been planning on more coffee, but if it gave him just a little more time to calm down and get off his high, he’d go back. He needed to sober up now.
“You don’t have to—” Kali protested.
“But I want to,” he interjected, “think of it as an apology coffee just for you.” Josh put his arm around her waist. Instantly he pulled it back. Why did he do that? What was wrong with him?
“Oh, well, thank you…” she murmured. Wait, was she blushing?
No, it couldn’t be. I’m just high…