Fix Me

The evening breeze was a chilly one and if the darkening sky overhead hinted at anything, it was rain. Birds chirped and died away as they found their hiding places, and parents ushered their children inside. There were a few kids, however, that weren’t too worried by the impending storm. These kids sat around a dying fire underneath a defiled bridge. They were all silent; all coming down off their choice drugs. They merely sat there like zombies and listened to the world reacting around them.
Josh kicked a pebble and sent it clattering and skidding along the cement a few feet. The wind whipped his black and blue hair around his face and he pulled the collar of his jacket up more. It was cold, but he didn’t want to move yet. His legs were shaking and he ignored them, digging his nails into his thighs to try and get them to stop. He didn’t like how his thighs felt. They were too fat, he noticed. After hearing Kali talk about liking thinner guys in the café, her words had stuck with him yet again. Perhaps not in the way she’d intended, but they’d stuck nonetheless. Maybe it was because he’d been flying high when she told him, but who knows? All Josh knew was he wanted to lose as much weight as he could so he’d really catch Kali’s attention.
Raven, the sickeningly thin girl in all leather, coughed loudly. Her cough sounded hazardous and rough, like she’d chain-smoked all her life. Josh wanted to tell her she should go see a doctor, but he had a more burning inquiry on his mind.
Breaking the silence, he spoke up, “Raven, how do you stay so…skinny?”
Raven looked up at him slowly and her steel eyes shone reflectively. She lowered a black eyebrow. “Why do you ask?”
“I want to lose weight.” He might as well be honest about it, why else would he be asking except to be a jerk? Sure, he could be a colossal jerk sometimes, but never to Raven. She hadn’t done anything to provoke that side of him, yet.
Raven laughed and it ended in about five minutes of a coughing fit. Josh waited patiently for her to stop so she could speak.
“I don’t know if my method is one I should recommend to you.” Raven wiped spit from her mouth and stared at him again. Her eyes burnt holes straight through his skull but he didn’t break eye contact with her.
“Please? I really need to drop a few pounds. I just…have to.” That was as much as he could get out. If he told them he wanted to lose weight so he’d be more appealing to Kali, they’d probably all laugh at him. Being 6’2, Josh wasn’t very hefty in the first place. But he wanted to lose anything excess to make sure Kali would like him even more. It made sense.
“You ever hear of purging?” Raven spoke up, leaning back on two legs in her chair.
“Isn’t that where you eat and throw up? Bulimia, or something?” Josh scrunched his eyebrows together. Of course that was how she lost all her weight. What had he expected? A Weight Watchers program?
“Yep. You could just not eat at all, but I prefer the purging. It stops people from asking questions, for the most part. And as for the puking, they don’t need to know what happens behind closed doors.” Raven shrugged. She stared at Josh, amused. She was curious as to what his response would be.
“Does it hurt to purge?” he asked after a moment’s hesitation.
“It burns some, but that’s all, really. It works, so it’s worth it in the end.” Raven tossed him a cheap wink and lit up a cigarette.
Josh didn’t say anything more. He just nodded and sat in his seat, thinking, until the first raindrop landed on his head.
Quickly, he stood up. “Gotta go, it’s starting to rain. See you guys later. Thanks, Raven.” With that, he was gone.
He had to run back to his car to avoid getting completely soaked. Oh, Vancouver weather, you’re so good to me, he thought sarcastically. He didn’t care for the rain too much. He was used to it and it’d stopped bugging him a long time ago, but that didn’t necessarily mean he enjoyed it. It was simply one of the downfalls to living where he did.
Safe and sound, he managed to make it home to 1712 Acadia Road. He burst through the front door of the modest house and shook off his dripping jacket and shoes.
“Hey, sweetie, there you are,” Corlynn Ramsay smiled at her son from the kitchen. “There’s hot chocolate on the counter if you’d like some.”
“No, thanks,” Josh said sheepishly. “This weather’s made me tired. I think I’m just going to go nap for a bit.”
His mother nodded at him understandingly and Josh slipped into his basement. It was a mess down there, he’d admit to that. He had loose papers everywhere with half-done or trashed songs on them, empty pop bottles, laundry…you name it and it was likely somewhere to be found down there. The basement was Josh’s area. His room was the only one down there excluding his bathroom and the laundry room, everyone else slept upstairs. He even had his own TV and Playstation. It was a teenage boy’s sort-of dream.
Josh walked into his small room and sat on the corner of his king size bed for awhile. He really didn’t need a bed that big, and it took up most of the space in his room anyway. There was barely room for a small desk and chair in the corner, but he’d managed to squeeze one in. Josh didn’t particularly care anyways. He liked the space he had when he slept. Plus, there’d always be room for someone extra who decided to sleep over. That had only ever been Kali, and even then it was never anything remotely sexual. They’d get into bed with enough room to fit another body between them and go to sleep. Well, Kali would sleep. Josh, on the other hand, would lie awake and fantasize about moving a few inches closer to her, lightly brushing his hand against hers…
Upon thinking of her, he was reminded of what he really wanted to think about. Kali’s preference, Josh’s desire and now Raven’s weight loss regime. Bulimia was something serious. It was right up there with anorexia. Josh had learned all about it in school, including seeing horrifying images and videos. So then, why now was he contemplating doing it? If someone were to tell him to make himself puke a year ago, he would’ve delivered a good left hook to their jaw. He would ask what kind of sick, delirious, mental f*ck would do that to themselves. I guess I would, maybe.
Shaking his head at the sad reality of his life, he laughed. He was in love with his best friend. It was like an unfortunate sitcom and that’s just the way it was and how it would always be. I guess if I’m going to suffer through the pain and guilt of wanting what I can’t have, I might as well make an effort to get it.
Resolute, he stood up and tiptoed to his bathroom. He didn’t need to tiptoe, but he felt safer doing it. He stepped onto the cool linoleum tile of the bathroom floor and shut the door behind him, making sure to lock it. For extra safety measures he turned the shower on. He didn’t want anyone to see him doing what he was about to do.
He stood there, pressed against the wall, staring at the toilet. His hands were shaking terribly from a combination of the heroin use and his nervousness. Did he want to feel the burn of throwing it all up? What if it hurt more than Raven let on? Was it worth doing it for Kali? Yes. Everything is worth it when it’s her.
Slowly Josh sank to his knees. He sat back for another moment or two to gather all his courage. He’d never done something like this before. In hindsight, he realized it probably would’ve been a smart idea to ask Raven how she did it exactly. He only knew of sticking a finger down the throat, but that seemed so unorthodox and disgusting. At the moment, though, he couldn’t think of any other way.
Finally he felt as courageous as he was going to get. He leaned forward some and stared into the still waters of the bowl. He chewed his lip and let out a shaky breath. It was now or never.
Josh had to hold his wrist to keep his hand from shaking so badly as he held a finger to his mouth. He was nervous and scared and all he wanted was some H, but he was doing this for Kali; all for Kali. And maybe a little for himself, too…
He didn’t know what he was supposed to feel or poke. He gagged himself pitifully several times before he finally got it right and instantly knew it, too. A sickening substance expelled from his lips with a dreadful noise. Oh, god.
It burned. It burned so horribly. It was like a thousand needles were puncturing his throat and all he could taste was bile. He leaned his head against the cool porcelain of the toilet, sweating and breathing heavily. His teeth were clenched tightly in pain as he choked on the invisible needles in his throat. F*ck, this is terrible.
He was shaking all over now and he didn’t want to open his eyes to see what he’d just done. Instead, he reached out a trembling hand and flushed away his regret and pain. He sank to the floor and groaned as the pain slowly numbed and faded away.
Despite the torture of the task, Josh knew that had only been round one for him. He needed to sacrifice so much more. Now that he’d started all of this, he didn’t want to stop.