Fix Me

Music blared and bodies were swaying rhythmically to its beat. Lights flickered and crossed smoothly over the high school gymnasium, highlighting faces at random and darkening them again in an instant. Several holiday-themed decorations spun from the ceiling and clung to the walls and stage. Fake snowflakes and icicle lights glittered when the lights reflected off of them, giving a very winter-like effect.
Beneath one of the several plastic hanging snowflakes stood Kali. Her brown hair was half up, half down, cascading over her shoulders and down her back. Her evergreen eyes were sparkling under black eyeliner and mascara, and her silky dress shone even in the dim light. She bit her bright red, glimmering lips in thought. She was stirring the punch around, making sure to mix in the orange slices well. Her mind was elsewhere, in a fantasy dreamland where all her troubles melted away and simply didn’t exist. All was as it should be.
Her reverie was interrupted by a shy, deep voice, and she looked up to meet a pair of attractive chocolate eyes. One of which she couldn’t help but notice had quite the dark bruise around it.
“Um, hey, sorry I’m late,” Matt excused himself awkwardly, “can you forgive me?”
Kali smiled at him and rested the punch ladle against the rim of the bowl. “I don’t know, I’ve had to serve punch to a whopping ten people all by myself. It might take some grovelling on your part.”
“Well how about if I just told you that you look absolutely beautiful tonight?” He chuckled, his eyes roaming over her.
“That depends…do you mean it?” she asked coyly.
“Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.” He stepped behind the punch table to join her.
Kali noticed the red satin tie that hung around Matt’s neck, complimenting his black button-up shirt. Curse you, Chelsea.
“Hey, what happened to your eye?” Kali blurted out. Instantly, she felt rude for asking. Her mouth had moved before she could control it.
Matt’s smile faltered for an instant and some mysterious look invaded his eyes. He cleared it all away before replying, “Nothing. I’m a klutz. It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“Well, does it hurt?” Kali asked, feeling sort of concerned for him.
“No, not so much anymore. I’m fine, Kali.” He smiled genuinely at her and she let it go. She didn’t have much of a right to question him about it anyways.
The two served punch for an hour, each collecting a series of compliments of their attire, especially Kali. She wouldn’t lie; all the nice words made her feel good. Happy, even. She hadn’t felt happy in a few days because of Josh. It was nice to finally smile and not have to fake it.
Kali and Matt were turned to face one another, talking and laughing. Matt was telling her a humorous story about a party he’d recently been to, and Kali was giggling right along with him. It all made a certain someone extremely mad, and he couldn’t stand in the corner anymore.
“Well, don’t you two look adorable.”
Matt broke away mid-story to look up at the person who’d interrupted him. Immediately he was standing up straight, every part of him going cold and wary. Kali turned and that thing in her stomach fluttered and soared to life. Her red lips smiled at who stood before her.
“Josh,” she spoke in a near whisper, “what are you doing here?”
“Oh, I’m just getting some punch,” He grabbed a plastic cup and held it towards Kali. “Do you mind?”
“Oh,” Kali took his cup from him and filled it with punch before handing it back.
Josh swirled around his cup’s contents, staring at them pensively for a moment. “Punch,” he finally said, “it’s kind of an ironically named drink, huh, Matt?” He raised his glacier blue eyes to Matt in a dark glare.
Matt stood, tense. He didn’t say a word.
“How are you feeling, by the way?” Josh asked with a slow smile. “Looks like I got you pretty good.”
Kali’s mouth dropped open. So that’s where Matt had gotten his black eye.
“Josh…” she said quietly, her eyes widening. Josh had never been a violent person. The last guy Kali would expect him to throw a punch at would be Matt.
Josh took a sip from his cup and frowned slightly. “Mm, you should put some vodka in that. It’d make it taste better.” He tipped his cup towards them in farewell and walked away.
Matt relaxed some, looking down at his shoes.
Kali turned to face him, shocked. “Josh? Josh gave you that bruise?”
“It’s no big deal—”
“Why would he do something like that to you?” She demanded, cutting Matt off. She began to walk away from the table. “I’m going to go talk to him…”
Matt grabbed her wrist gently and pulled her back. “No, Kali. Just leave him alone. He’s not stable. It’s like, something inside him has just snapped…”
Kali stared at him for a moment. She then truly saw the hurt and confusion in his eyes. He didn’t understand what was happening any more than she did.
“Let’s just go dance for a bit, then.” she proposed, pulling Matt towards the rest of the slow-dancing student body.
Matt hesitantly placed his warm hands on Kali’s waist, and hers draped around his neck softly. They swayed from side-to-side in silence for awhile, simply listening to the song that was playing. Kali reached out and lightly brushed the sensitive bruise around Matt’s eye. He flinched slightly, but then welcomed the cool touch of her fingers.
“Are you sure it doesn’t hurt?” she asked again, inspecting the mark.
“It’s fine,” he assured her.
“I just can’t believe he’d do that to you of all people,” Kali shook her head. “What’s gotten into him?”
Matt shrugged. “Beats me. I think he’s just dealing with a lot right now, and—”
“Mind if I cut in?” Josh asked, waiting politely beside Matt and Kali. His eyes rested on Matt for a second before flitting over to Kali. They roamed her body and face, taking in her beauty. She took his breath away, and for a moment he forgot how upset he was.
Kali looked from Josh to Matt a couple times before removing her hands from Matt’s shoulders. The place where they’d rested instantly grew cold.
“Sure,” Kali agreed, stepping towards Josh. Matt was hesitant to leave her alone with him. “I’ll come find you later.”
“Okay.” Matt replied coldly, eyeing Josh apprehensively before walking away.
Josh’s own hands firmly found Kali’s waist and she slowly put her hands on his shoulders. She stared into those seemingly dead blue eyes, a million questions lingering between them and her own.
She shook her head at him, the surreal state of her position finally sinking in. He was here. Not only was he in front of her, touching her, but he was here, at a winter dance. Josh hated school dances, yet here he was, dancing with Kali at one.
“Where have you been, Josh?” she asked quietly. “Please tell me the truth.”
He stared into her eyes, wanting desperately to comply and answer her honestly. But he knew he couldn’t do that. “Trying to…fix myself.” That was as close to the truth was he was willing to get.
“By punching your friend in the face?” she asked. “What did he even do to you?”
“It’s just stupid guy stuff, I wouldn’t expect you to understand,” Josh answered. He felt like he was being backed into a corner.
“Oh, wow, okay.” Kali looked away from him. Why is he being such a jerk?
“Look, Kali, I’m sorry. I’ve been a terrible excuse for a best friend lately, and I know that. I promise I’ll be around more, okay? Please forgive me.” he apologized. His words were sincere, but he had a feeling she wasn’t going to make it that easy.
“The whole ‘I promise’ thing is starting to get a little old with you, Josh. How many more promises can you possibly make and break before I just leave?” Her green eyes looked up at him in pain.
Her words were like a slap across the face. She couldn’t just leave me, could she? “I know, and I’m sorry for that, too. Just give me this last chance to prove myself. I swear I won’t let you down again. I don’t expect you to forgive me right away, but just give me this chance, please. What do you think?”
Kali stared at him for what felt like forever. They’d stopped moving to the song and were merely standing still amidst several swaying hips. No one dared to get too close to them, sensing the tension radiating off of them.
Finally, Kali spoke. “You want to know what I think, Josh? I think you should go home. I think you’ve worn out your welcome and you should just go home.”
Josh didn’t say anything for a minute. He waited for her to say she was kidding and that she wanted him to stay and dance with her, but those words never came. Instead, she removed her hands from his shoulders and stepped back, out of his hold.
“Wha—Kali…why…?” he stammered.
“I just need time to think…I need to be away from you. I thought I wanted nothing more than to have you around again but, I don’t. I need to think. So please, Josh, go home. You don’t belong here right now.” she begged, folding her arms over her midsection.
Josh knew what it meant when she did that. She was trying to hold herself together; in danger of falling apart. He reached out and touched her arms, trying to pull them away from her and into him. She rejected his touch and pulled even farther away.
“Kali, please don’t…Kal…” he begged, tears welling up in his eyes and threatening to spill over.
“Just go home, Josh.” she said again, her voice almost a whisper. He could barely hear her, but he knew what she said.
Reluctantly, he dropped his arms to his sides and just stared at her. She simply walked away from him, instantly disappearing into the gathering crowd. Josh remained there, staring off into the direction she went. She really had walked away from him. He’d never felt more cold and alone than he did in that instant. Everything was becoming too real for Josh. The pain he’d worked so hard at numbing was back, stabbing at his heart and tearing up his general insides. He felt like he was going to be sick. He’d gone so long without the pain that he could barely stand what it was doing to him.
Kali broke through the dancing crowd, leaning against a wall. She was breathing quickly, trying her best not to cry. It took all she had left in her, but she forced the tears back. Her fingers dug into her rib cage, creating a new pain for her to focus on. Why does he have to ruin everything?! What is his problem?
“There you are,” It was Matt. His face was creased with worry and he touched her arm lightly. “Did he hurt you? Are you okay?”
Yes, he hurt me, again. No, I’m not okay. I thought I was but I’m really not. “No, he didn’t hurt me. I’m fine, thank you.” Kali cleared her throat. She couldn’t appear as weak and destroyed as she felt. With a last look over her shoulder, she could see him. He was standing right where she’d left him and he was crying. He looked like a broken doll; out of place and damaged beyond repair. She had to tear her gaze away from him.
“You’re not much of a liar, Kal. C’mon, let me take you home.” Kali looked up into those kind brown eyes and nodded. Matt smiled at her and led her out of the dance to his car.

Josh needed to fix this. The pain was becoming too much; he needed to get rid of it. Since Xavier wasn’t answering his phone, Josh had to find a different approach.
He was home now and his parents were out. He raced down to his basement, trying to ignore the annoying tears and choking sobs that kept escaping from him. He kicked open the door to his bathroom and fiercely gagged himself until he felt that now familiar burn in his throat. The taste of bile on his tongue was an everyday experience also. He purged three times and by the end of it he could barely breathe from the fiery pain in his throat. He choked and coughed as he collapsed against the tub, trying desperately to regain himself. I still feel like sh*t, he cursed, frustration bubbling up inside him.
He stood up shakily and filed through his medicine cabinet above the sink. The only medications inside were useless; they’d do him no good. This is kid’s stuff. He needed something serious to numb this pain, and he found it: a razor.
It took too long to pull apart, and by the time he finally succeeded, he’d already cut his hands several times. He picked up one of the small razors and slid down against the sink. He held out his left arm and he noticed the holes that decorated it from all the needles. He’d deal with them later. Right now he had to do the best with what he had.
He pressed the cool steel against the inside of his forearm and gritted his teeth as he dug it in. It pinched satisfactorily when he dragged it across and crimson beads flowered on his pale skin, quickly darkening to thick drops of blood. He did it again and again, loving how it stole away his pain and replaced it with something else. This was what he needed. He needed a way out from all the pain and hurt. It all felt so good…