Holding Down the Laughter

It’s been almost four days and there’s been no word from Josh. No texts, calls, visits, nothing. It’s like he’s completely iced me out. And I’ve actually put forth the effort to at least text him, but after three texts and nothing back, I gave up.

I wouldn’t mind it all as much as I do if Tansey hadn’t been asking about him. It makes me feel guilty for practically pushing the boy out of both of our lives. There hasn’t been a day where she hasn’t asked about him. She adores him.

Even the guy’s have been asking about him. They’re questioning why he’s never around and what I did to piss him off.

I just can’t seem to get away from hearing about him.

Classes have started, and I’ve already managed to fall behind slightly. I just never knew it would be so hard to do homework and take care of two people. Thankfully, Riley offered to take Tansey for the weekend so I could get caught up on everything.

He’s so sweet.

Actually, all of the boys have been offering to spend time with the smaller girl so I can have some time to myself. They all love just coming over and watching her or taking her back to their room so I can get a little work done.

Riley and Kat took Tansey to the park right down the street and Sebastian and I took a study break to go and get some lunch. Sebastian was craving Olive Garden, so that’s where we were.

“You know, I bet people think we’re on a date.” Sebastian said as a cute little old couple smiled at the two of us. He reached over and picked up my hands off the table, making the old woman smile even wider.

“Don’t be an asshole, Seb.” I couldn’t help but smile at the older boy though, and left my hands right where they were. “Oh my gosh, what if someone from school comes in and thinks we’re dating!?”

Sebastian just laughed, but his smile slowly faded away as he looked towards the enterance. “Yeah, I don’t think people from school are what you’re gonna be worried about, love.”

Out of habit, I turned to the enterance to see what Sebastian was talking about. Immediately, I regretted my decision.

Of course this all had to play out like a movie, because the one and only Joshua Hutcherson was walking through the door with what was probably his family.

Our eyes met as he walked passed our table, but he turned away quickly. He just smiled and continued his conversation with the shorter boy next to him. That must be Connor, his little brother.

His family sat down at the table adjacent to us, almost as if God wanted us to make eye contact. Of course, Josh was sitting on the side of the table facing me.

Connor said something that must have been funny, making the entire table laugh. I couldn’t help but frown as Josh laughed. Not because I don’t want him to be happy or anything, but because I want to be the one making him smile.

“Wanna switch sides of the table? Or just leave?” Sebastian asked as he saw my facial expression. I just shook my head and focused my eyes on my lap. “Baby, I don’t like seeing you upset. What even happened with you two?”

Without lifting my eyes, I answered the older boy. “I just kept pushing him away. He finally got enough, I guess. I messed up.”

“You just need to open yourself up, Alyssa. You can’t keep shutting people out all the time, or you’re going to have a lot of Josh’s in the future when they can’t take it anymore and leave. I can tell you really like him, why can’t you just let one person in? I’m not telling you to tell him your entire life story, just let him get to know you.”

I looked up at Sebastian, who was still holding my hands across the table. He had a sad smile on his face as he spoke, which made me feel even guiltier than I already did.

“It’s not that easy, Seb. I wish it was, but it isn’t. The only person that knows everything is Adam, and that’s only because he’s there for most of it.”

“Then let Josh be there, too. Baby, he’s good for you. In the two or so weeks you’ve known him, you’re the happiest I have ever seen you. You’ve been smiling and laughing and just having fun, and it’s not partially fake like it is with us. This is genuine happiness. What is there to lose, Lyss?”

I didn’t answer the foreign boys question for a few minutes. I couldn’t bring myself to. If I admit it out loud, then I’m admitting it to myself. And that is something I do not want to do. But Sebastian is my best friend, he has been for years. If I can’t open up just a little bit to him, there’s no chance of it happening with Josh.

“What if he sees how fucked up I am and leaves again? I mean, things are bad, Seb, and I don’t want to drag anyone into it.”

“A friend will never get in your way unless that way happens to be going down. My dad used to tell me that quote all the time when I was younger and I never understood it until this year. Josh will always be there for you and when things get bad, he will help you. I know you don’t like accepting help, but he will. I can see so clearly that you like him and he likes you just as much. He will be there for you, babe, just like Riley, Kat, and me.” Sebastian’s accent was making it so much harder not to give into what he was saying though.

If I tell Sebastian, it will make telling Josh easier. Plus, it would be nice to have someone to confide in at school. But at the same time, he could leave, too. I know he says he won’t, but you can never predict peoples moves.

Ugh, fuck it. Maybe things will get better if I at least tell someone