Holding Down the Laughter

So I did, right there in the booth at Olive Garden. I told Sebastian everything I had been holding in for years. Literally everything, from age 4 to 16. I told him everything about my dad and his visits, my mom and her problems, my older sister, my elementary school teachers, my babysitters growing up, everything.

All Sebastian did was let me talk. He held my hands as I told him my life, kissing my knuckles every once in a while and stroking my skin with his thumbs. When he felt the need, he would nod or make a noise.

And when I was done? Sebastian was still there.

“Maybe you should text Josh, baby.” The boy and his family had left about an hour ago, proving just how long Sebastian and I were in the restaurant.

“I will when we get back. Let’s pay and get out of here, though. The waitress has been staring us down for over an hour.” Sebastian chuckled at my comment and pulled out two twenty dollar bills for our $30.95 charge. He left them on the table and we exited the restaurant.

The entire way back, Sebastian asked questions about what I had told him. I answered each one honestly, and the boy couldn’t keep the smile off his face.

“You know, I’m really happy you told me everything. Are you gonna tell the other guys?”

I nodded and said, “ Eventually, yeah. I’m betting within the next few weeks.”

It was Sebastian’s turn to nod as he pulled into a parking space beside our building. Much like the gentleman he was raised to be, he opened my door for me and helped me out of his, or Riley’s, tiny car. He walked me back to my dorm, where Riley had left a note on the door saying he was taking Tansey to a movie and then to this fair going on in the next town over.

Before Sebastian left, he reminded me to text Josh and told me how proud he was of me.

I love him.

Sticking to what I said, I brought out my phone to text the movie star. Instead of clicking ‘Start New Message,’ I found myself pressing down on the little call button.

I brought the phone up to my ear as it rang and I had to force myself to stop shaking. The ringing stopped after the third ring and the voice I actually miss so dearly could be heard on the other side.

”Hello?” I tried to speak but my voice got caught in my throat. ”Are you there or not, Alyssa?”

I had to make myself speak to the boy on the other end of the line. ”Yeah, I’m sorry. I just called to see if you wanted to get together or something.”

I could hear the boy sigh as soon as the words left my mouth. ”I’m done wasting time, Alyssa. I can’t…. I’m not even-“

Before he could finish speaking, I continued on. ”I have something to tell you. So come pick me up.”

”Um, alright. I’m only about two minutes from the school so be outside.” I could hear an engine starting in the background before Josh hung up.

--

Josh had picked me up on his motorcycle and we went to the same park where we first kissed. We sat underneath that same tree, me with my back against it and Josh sitting next to me.

“Don’t waste my time with whatever you have to tell me, Alyssa. I don’t have time for bullshit about why you can’t talk to me.” The tone in Josh’s voice almost made me rethink my decision. He was being rude and if he kept it up, I really wasn’t going to tell him anything.

“I can’t tell you everything, Josh. Not right now. It will come eventually, I promise, you just have to give me some time.”

Josh rolled his eyes and scoffed. “So this is just more bullshit about why you can’t talk to me, right. Stop messing with me, Alyssa. I’m not someone you can just yank around like it means nothing. I have feelings and right now, I’m pretty fucking upset with you. “

“You need to learn how to let me talk before you interrupt me, Hutcherson.” I completely ignored his previous statement, probably pissing him off even more. “Like I was saying, I can’t tell you everything right now, I need time. I can tell you somethings, though.”

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I guess I can take that.”

I smiled at the older boy and nodded. I tried to think of what to tell him, and eventually decided to start at the very beginning.

“The only reason my parents ever got married was because they had my older sister, Hailey. After her, they wanted nothing to do with each other. My mom planned on giving full custody of Hailey to my dad, and he was planning on doing the same to my mom. Right as they were about to file for divorce, I came along. My father was furious with my mother when she announced that she was pregnant and beat her so hard that I was almost aborted. My mother was glad, though, when she was in that hospital room. She didn’t want me to live from the beginning, and neither did my father.”

Josh rested his hand on my knee and began rubbing small, comforting circles onto my bare skin. When I was finished, all that could be heard between us was soft breathing and the sounds all around us. It remained like this, even after Josh pulled my body into his.

I rested my head against his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist. His hands were lightly rubbing circles onto my back, making me relax.

Eventually, the older boy decided to speak.

“I’m sorry for pressuring you to tell me everything, Alyssa. It’s just, I’ve never felt anything like I feel when I’m around you. It scares me because from one perspective, I barely know anything about you. But from another perspective, I know so much. I just, I want to be there for you always and I can’t do that if I don’t know what makes you get up each morning.”

“I shouldn’t be so stubborn all the time, especially when it comes to you. I just don’t want you to think ill of me or decide you can’t handle all of my issues and really leave my life. I really like you Josh, and that terrifies me so much. I guess I’m just being selfish and I don’t want you never talking to me again.” Josh pulled away from our hug slightly so he could look me straight in the eyes. He had an amused smile on his face and laughter danced in his eyes. “What’s that look for, Hutcherson?”

“You liiiike me?” Josh asked, poking playfully at my sides. I could feel a blush crossing my cheeks as the older boy laughed. Without thinking, I ducked my head away from him and into where his shoulder met his neck. “No, don’t hide your pretty face from me, Alyssa.”

I kept my head buried in his shoulder, making him laugh even harder. My cheeks were still red as the actors entire body shook with laughter. Josh tried moving my body, but my head was firmly set into place.

The older boy eventually stood up, still holding me in his arms. I couldn’t stop the whine from escaping my lips, making Josh laugh once more.

He set my feet down on the ground and moved his hands up to my sides. Without warning, his fingers began tickling me, making me laugh. I threw my head back in laughter, making Josh smile even wider. His fingers continued to assault my sides, however, until I was begging him to stop and tears were rolling down my cheeks from laughing too hard.

Josh moved his hands up to my cheeks, brushing off all tears. I smiled brightly and a smile slipped onto the older boy’s face as well. He kept his hands on my cheeks as his gaze moved between my lips and eyes.

“So are you going to kiss me or not, Joshua?”

The boy just shook his head and chuckled lightly before leaning down and pressing his lips against mine.