Devil in the Details

'thousand of people love you.'

and

'you have friends, Ryan'.

As if that's the love he needs. So Ryan smiles and Ryan will agree and say that he was 'just thinking' and he really was. Just thinking. Thinking about Brendon's smile and Brendon's eyes and the way Brendon laughs when... when Sarah makes a joke. That's just it.

Just thinking.

Jon walks past, just then, and he sends a warm glance Ryan's way. Not the same one as before - when Jon first joined, and then again when Ryan couldn't think straight because all he could breathe was cocaine and cigarettes. It was strained warm. Jon knew and knowledge taints everything. Knowledge will destroy until its self is destroyed.

The ambition of the human race. Knowledge.

We shall drown in information but starve for knowledge.

"Come on Ryan - stage in two minutes. Zack's about to blow a fuse." Spencer smiles like he doesn't know, though he does. He knows a lot and Ryan still doesn't know if he cares or not. Spencer will always judge Ryan, and Spencer, as far as Ryan has known, will accept. Will forgive, but not forget and will love unconditionally.

Brendon is at the entrance to the stage when Ryan gets there, forehead tipped against Sarah's and a brash smile taking over his face.

Ryan feels sick.