Clumsy Little Heart

"Only another hour, babe."

Zack squirms in the passenger seat again, anxiously watching out the window. They've been driving for an hour or so now, on their way out East to Montauk. Martin wanted to get away for a few days; Zack didn't have anything else to do, so here they are. On a two and a half hour drive to the opposite end of the island. Zack knows Martin's just trying to do something nice for him - and he appreciates it. He really does. He's just a little nervous. A vacation with a summer boyfriend? It doesn't sound like the best, most rational of ideas.

"Where are we staying again?" Zack asks, leaning his head against the window.

"Ocean Beach Resort. The reviews said it was nice. Hopefully they're right."

"I'm sure it's fine. Besides, we'll be at the beach all weekend anyway. Right?"

Martin looks over at him and smiles, happy that he finally seems to be taking interest in the whole thing. "Yeah. And we can go into town. See what's going on. There’s gotta be something interesting.”

It’s Montauk, of course there are going to be things for them to do. It’s one of the more popular vacation spots on the island – after the Hamptons, but only the really wealthy people can afford to rent a place there. So Zack’s not all that worried about finding things to do. He’s not sure why he’s really worried at all. There’s just this annoying feeling that something is going to go wrong. He just hopes that he’s totally wrong and that this last little effort to spend as much time as possible together goes as smoothly as it can.

- - -

“As much as I love them, thank God we did not invite John or Alex or Matt. I was going to strangle you if you mentioned it to them,” Zack says while they’re at the beach the morning after their drive out. He digs his toes into the sand and looks over at his boyfriend, smiling when he sees he’s not even listening. He’s focused on the book in his hands, sunglasses perched on his nose and his t-shirt still on.

Zack leans over, takes the book right out of his hands and Martin lifts his head in surprise, “Hey. What’s that for?”

“We’re at the beach, Martin,” Zack tells him, putting the book down on the towel, “And you’re still wearing your shirt. Please, take it off at least for my sake.”

“Oh.” And he really does look confused – as if he really just totally forgot that he should probably take his shirt off to not only impress his boyfriend, but to also avoid a farmer’s tan. He tugs it up over his head and drops it on the towel beside him. “Happy?”

“Yes,” Zack grins, lying on his side and taking in his boyfriend’s appearance. “Much better. Now you look like you actually belong at a beach.”

“You’re so lame,” Martin mumbles, picking his book back up, but Zack catches the smile he’s trying his hardest to hide. “And a pervert.”

Zack glares at him and resists the urge to kick sand his way. “As I was saying – I’m glad it’s just you and me. God only knows how annoying everyone else would be right now.”

“Well John would be sitting between us right now to ‘prevent inappropriate activity’.”

“While Alex would be trying to promote it. Is Jack still talking to him? I’ve been meaning to ask.”

Martin shrugs. “Who knows. Jack won’t tell me anything about it. But I assume everything’s still the same. Jack’s not putting out and Alex is putting it all out.”

“He is a bit of a slut,” Zack muses, “I think they would go well together. If Alex could keep his dick in his pants for longer than a week.”

“Well, either way, Jack’s a smart guy. No offense to Alex, but he’ll probably have Alex wrapped around his finger soon enough.”

Zack laughs, knowing that what his boyfriend said is more accurate than he realizes. Alex isn’t the brightest – especially when it comes to relationships. When he wants someone, he doesn’t give up. And Jack will probably use that to his advantage.

Martin goes quiet again, back to reading his book and Zack watches him, heart sinking at the reminder that this time next year, he’ll probably be miserable and Martin-less and he is not looking forward to that in the slightest.

- - -

They spend the rest of the afternoon in the small beach town, going to dinner at some nice restaurant that Martin had made reservations at. They went back to their hotel afterwards, and that’s when everything started to go wrong. Not at first – first it was great. Amazing sex and a hot shower tricked Zack into a false sense of security. Because once they get into bed and Zack thinks that Martin has already fallen asleep, he speaks and makes Zack realize how fucked he actually is.

“Maybe we can come back here when you come home for winter break.”

Zack tenses in Martin’s arms, wondering if he really heard him correctly. “Come back?”

“There wouldn’t be as much to do,” Martin muses, ignorant to Zack’s reaction. “But there would be some things.”

“I don’t know-”

“You don’t sound as interested,” Martin laughs.

Zack pushes away from him, untangling himself from the hotel bed sheets and sitting down at the edge of the bed. "I just... You know. It's not like we're going to still be dating at that point. That's all I'm saying."

And suddenly it's more than obvious that despite the fact that Zack thought they were on the same page with this, they're not. Martin looks partially confused and partially heartbroken, as if he doesn't quite want to believe what he heard. All this time, Zack believed that they'd go their separate ways at the end of the summer and hope they could stay friends at the very least, while Martin has been thinking the opposite.

"Are you... I mean... Why wouldn't we be?" Martin asks, sitting up and tugging at the sleeves of his long sleeved shirt. He laughs nervously, "Are you planning on ditching me or something?"

“Well I mean…I’ll be gone at school and…I don’t…I don’t know…” Zack trails off, not even daring to look up at Martin anymore. He stays seated at the end of the bed, picking at a lose thread on the pair of boxers he’s wearing. They’re Martins.

“Just because you’re at school, you’re going to break up with me?”

“Well-”

“I thought…Zack, I thought we were…”

He still doesn’t look at him. He looks at his hands, wonders how they’re going to make it out of this. They haven’t fought before now, haven’t really had much of a disagreement at all. Zack doesn’t know how to handle this and he’s just waiting for Martin to snap and yell at him and tell him he’s selfish or something along those lines because this calmness is killing him.

“I just don’t believe in long distance, Martin,” he finally says, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t think we would work out once I’m gone. And I don’t know why but I thought you thought the same way.”

He can hear Martin breathing behind him, soft and steady and he hears him take a deep breath and say, “I honestly thought we meant more to you than to just be thrown away once you start school.”

Zack is too much of a coward to watch Martin leave. Instead, he listens to him pull clothes on, hears him zippering up his bag and hears him take a key card off the desk. After the hotel room door slams shut, it’s silent and all Zack can do is bite his lip and wonder if Martin will come back at all.

- - -

But he does come back. Zack hears the door open again hours later, after he’s given up on waiting and has crawled back into bed. He looks at the time on the alarm clock, sees that it’s four in the morning and he sighs. Where the hell could Martin have gone for nearly five hours?

He rolls over onto his back and finds Martin pulling his shirt off and kicking his shoes off next to the bed. He’s not sure what to say, but he thinks that he really does need to say something. An apology maybe. Or a further explanation. Or just…anything to get Martin to understand. But before he can even open his mouth, Martin is down to his boxers and pulling back the covers, slipping underneath. He wraps his arms around Zack’s waist and kisses him on the cheek and now, Zack is a little more than confused.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers through the darkness, hoping that it’s enough to get his point across. He’s sorry and ashamed and selfish and stupid and just. He doesn’t want Martin to think that he doesn’t care about their relationship. Because he does. He just has a shitty view of how it’s going to turn out.

Martin nods, “I know you are,” he responds and he tightens his hold on Zack and kisses him before he can even get another word in. His kiss tells Zack all he needs to know. Come August 27th, they’re over. And if that’s what Zack wants, he can have it. A huge part of Zack knows that it’s ridiculous but he can’t bring himself to admit it out loud.