Clumsy Little Heart

Three more days and Zack will be moving into his new dorm room. He’s mostly packed – minus a few last minute things that he still needs to buy or wash. His mom is really getting on his case about that but Zack’s kind of been avoiding her. He’s spent the last two weeks with Martin and he’s the happiest he’s ever been and he knows if he gets into a conversation with either of his parents about college, he’s going to say something they won’t want to hear. Because as it turns out, he kind of really doesn’t want to go.

Since their little vacation out east which resulted in their fight and reconciliation, things have actually been a lot easier. Once they both got on the same page for sure this time, it was a lot easier to go on and not act like everything was going to be fine. But of course, once that’s settled, it’s the very last thing Zack wants to happen. Martin has changed his life for the better and if Zack had the balls to do it, he’d tell his parents he doesn’t want to go to their dream college. But he’d never be able to go through with it – he’d be too afraid of disappointing them. So this is just how it’s going to be. Him packing his life away and getting ready to toss Martin to the side as soon as Thursday rolls around.

He’s in the middle of packing up his sweatshirts when John stops by. He knocks on the open door and then just stands in the doorway, looking awkward and uncomfortable, which is pretty unusual for him.

“What the hell’s your problem?” Zack asks, sitting back from his suitcase and looking up at John. “You look like you saw a ghost-”

“It’s about Martin. I um. Heard some things.”

Zack blinks. “Okay…?”

John still looks as distressed as he did when he first appeared and when he sits down on Zack’s bed, he kind of looks like he’s just killed someone and is trying to tell Zack they have to hide the body. Zack wouldn’t really expect anything like that from John but really, anything goes at this point.

“I wasn’t going to tell you. But I thought you should know and I was fighting with myself all day yesterday and then I asked Sierra and Matt and Alex what they thought I should do and they said I should just tell you and – well. Here I am. About to tell you. And you’re probably going to hate me.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

Zack’s not really sure what other reaction John wants from him. “Dude. You come in here freaking out and acting like you just committed murder and all you’re really doing is preparing yourself to tell me something I’m apparently not going to like. What do you want me to say?”

John slumps his shoulders, looking more defeated than ever. “I was hoping you’d tell me to not tell you. But I really do think you need to know so…I’m just going to tell you.”

“Well, okay. Hit me.”

“I found out why Martin left college and moved down here.”

He really doesn’t want John to go any further anymore. This is territory he never wanted to get into and he doesn’t want John getting involved with. They’re down to the wire here as far as the relationship is concerned and soon enough it won’t really matter to Zack at all. “Maybe you’re right. Don’t tell me-”

“No, I have to,” John interrupts, sounding more like he’s convincing himself of this rather than convincing Zack. “You need to know. But listen – Martin’s grown on me and I know how happy he makes you and how good is he is for you and the last thing I want to do is ruin your opinion of him. But…okay. So I was talking to Ryan Key – you know, the dude who said he knew Martin when he lived upstate?”

“I vaguely remember you mentioning him…”

“Anyway. He was at the Starbucks I was at and we were in line and he asked me if I still had contact with Martin and asked me how he was doing and I thought it was a little weird so I asked him why he would be worried about how Martin’s doing and…apparently… While Martin was at school in Oneonta, he was arrested when this house party got busted and charged with drug possession and underage alcohol consumption but he managed to get away with doing a shit ton of community service. He moved here because his parents all but disowned him and he works at the shelter for his service hours.”

Zack’s not really sure how he’s supposed to react to this. His boyfriend’s been lying to him (not exactly outright lying but still not telling him the truth) and this is some serious information to keep from someone. All the times Zack has wondered and actually asked Martin how he got the job at the shelter? Why he works at the shelter and CVS instead of just working at the shelter full-time? Everything’s kind of making more and more sense to him and John was right – his opinion of Martin is starting to deteriorate.

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell me that…Are you sure it’s true, though?”

Deep down, he knows that it’s true. Still doesn’t hurt to maybe pretend otherwise.

“I would ask him about it…But I don’t see why Ryan would make that up?”

John looks almost as upset as Zack feels. He knows his best friend had really been trying hard to accept the fact that he was wrong about his first impression of Martin and that he was good enough to be dating his best friend. This new info must have been hard for him to accept as well. He’s probably beating himself up over it, thinking he should have found this out sooner, before Zack got too involved.

“I knew I should have done more research on him,” John says, sighing sadly, “I feel bad. I honestly believed he was a decent guy now.”

“He’s a decent guy,” Zack says, “He’s just a liar.”

“How does that make him a decent guy?”

Zack finds himself shrugging and reaching out to pull on his sneakers. “I’m going to talk to him and see what he has to say about it. Maybe Ryan Key was lying or exaggerating or something. I’m not going to get pissed off before I hear it directly from Martin.”

“Okay…Good idea. You’re right. I hope I’m wrong.”

Zack hopes so, too, but he’s got a bad feeling he isn’t.

- - -

By the time Zack finishes explaining everything Ryan Key had told John, sitting in Martin’s kitchen, it’s more than obvious that it’s all true. Martin looks uncomfortable and upset and like he’s about to cry and Zack has never seen him this upset over anything (not even when Zack had to break the news to him that they weren’t going to be together forever and ever and ever).

“I didn’t want you finding out that way,” he says softly, and Zack almost doesn’t hear him. But he does.

“So it’s all true?”

“It is, but I was nineteen and -”

“So you’ve been lying to me ever since this started. All those times I asked why you didn’t work at the shelter full time. Every time I asked about your parents. You didn’t think I deserved to know these things about you? Even after you asked about Gabe, and I told you everything? I was completely honest with you – always. And you couldn’t even return the favor?”

“I wanted to, Zack. I did, but I was embarrassed and I thought you wouldn’t think of me the same and it was three years ago. I thought I ran away from my past and I didn’t think it would ever come back to haunt me. I’m not that person anymore-”

Zack laughs, shaking his head. “I probably wouldn’t have thought any differently about you. Because you would have been honest with me and I would have thought ‘hey, he’s such a great, honest dude’. But now I don’t even know you. I thought it was awesome, how you volunteered all your time at an animal shelter and it turns out, you’re only doing it because you have to-”

“That isn’t true, I-”

“Whatever. It’s fine,” Zack waves him off, and he shuts his mouth when he sees Zack pulling his jacket on. Zack is done with this. This is just giving him the out that he needed – the reason to not go against his parents and not go to the school they want. “All of this is just telling me that it would have been a really bad idea to tell my parents I didn’t want to go to Pace and that I wanted to stay here and be with you and go somewhere closer. I’m not going to throw my future away for a fuck up like you.”

That does it, really. Martin looks as bad as he probably feels and there’s a part of Zack that feels terrible about what he just said, but he can’t let himself feel bad. This is it. He’s done. He’s going to Pace like his parents want and he and Martin are over for good. There’s no chance for awkward goodbyes at the train station and no awkward texts seeing how the other is doing and no awkward meetings when Zack comes home for break. His ties to Martin are completely cut now, and isn’t that exactly what Zack wanted?