Clumsy Little Heart

Three weeks into his very first fall semester at college and Zack is miserable. Pace University is the last place he wants to be and he’s stuck here until at least December. There’s no way he’s dropping out early – his parents would kill him. So these next few months are going to be a struggle. And then he has to figure out how to tell them he wants out. That might be the hardest part.

While school isn’t anything like he thought it would be when he applied all those months ago, he doesn’t think he wants to be at home right now either. His parents are there and Martin is there. He doesn’t want to deal with either of them. He doesn’t miss his parents, but he does miss Martin. And that’s kind of what makes it all hurt a little more.

Martin told him he needed to talk to his parents about considering different options and not going to Pace. He knew that Zack didn’t really want to go. Zack should have listened to him. And he shouldn’t have left things with him the way he did. But he didn’t know what else to do. Martin lied to him – and it wasn’t about something small and stupid. It was pretty big. Getting arrested? Kind of serious. It kind of made him realize that Martin isn’t as wonderful and perfect as Zack made him out to be. He volunteered at the shelter because he had to; worked at CVS because his social worker got him the job; adopting the dogs because his social worker thought it would help him. It makes him think about their relationship in a whole new light.

He’s got twenty minutes before he needs to get to class across campus and John is already at his first class of the day. John is doing noticeably better than Zack is. He loves it here and has made plenty of friends and loves his classes. Zack feels a little guilty not feeling the same way and not being as thrilled about this as his best friend is, but he can’t help it. This is just not for him. And he should have voiced that a long time ago when he realized it.

But Martin had given him exactly what he thought he needed – a reason to stay on the path his parents planned out for him in tenth grade and the path that he thought he wanted as well. He gave him a reason to not disobey his parents and upset them. He made it easier. And when he really thinks about, Zack guesses that’s just always what Martin has done for him. He made things easier.

- - -

“So, are you going to tell your parents how miserable you are over Thanksgiving dinner?”

They’re on the train, bags tucked away in the overhead compartments and all Zack can do in response to John’s question is roll his eyes. John has been nagging him over the past week or so about being honest with his parents about how he really feels about school. Zack knows he can’t do that.

“If you aren’t going to do it,” John says after pausing to eat a handful of the M&M’s he bought at the station, “Then I will. I’m not letting you come back to school and be sad and hate life and not be able to do anything about it.”

“They’ll never let me leave – especially before the semester is even over. They’ll tell me I just haven’t adjusted to the change yet – and who knows? They might be right. Maybe I need to give it one more semester just to make sure-“

“No. You do not need ‘one more semester’. You need to go home, see Martin, and tell your parents to go fuck themselves because you are dropping out of Pace and heading in a different direction. Just like you should have done months ago.”

Zack’s not really sure how he’s going to survive another twenty minutes on this train with John repeating the same things over and over. They’ve discussed this so many times – talked about Martin and how Zak totally needs to go see him and talk to him – and Zack is kind of fed up with it. He gets it. He does.

“I’m just saying,” John continues, still eating the M&M’s and Zack just opts to look out the window and try to ignore him. But that’s kind of impossible. “I know you’re still not over Martin. And with good reason. Breaking up with him was clearly as rash decision that you’re not even sure was the right decision.”

He’s right. But Zack will never let him know that.

“What Martin did happened like, three years ago. You can tell that he’s not the same person as he was. And if I can see that, you definitely can. I’m just sayin’, man. I’ll support whatever decision you decide to make but only as long as you do go and see him and talk it out. He kind of deserves that. You both do.”

“Okay, okay whatever. Can you shut up now?” Zack snaps, feeling bad about it only seconds after the words leave his mouth.

John just shrugs, unaffected by the rudeness of his words and goes back to his M&M’s for the remainder of the train ride. The only reason he’s not bitching about Zack being a bitch is because he knows that Zack knows he’s right. He knows his words sunk in a little. And while Zack will never let him know it, he’s kind of grateful they did.

- - -

As it turns out, he ends up at Martin’s place much earlier than he thought he would. It’s the night before Thanksgiving, only five hours after his parents picked him up from the train station and he’s standing in front of the door, trying to calm himself down enough to remember how to knock on a door.

He didn’t exactly plan on telling his parents exactly how miserable he’s been but it sort of just slipped out and they didn’t take it well at all – not surprising. They said all the things he expected them to say – that he’s not adjusted yet; that he needs more time; that he doesn’t know how lucky he is to be there – and while he planned on just agreeing with them and sucking it up and finishing out the year there, he snapped. And they didn’t take that very well at all. He tried to explain his side – he really did – but they’re so set in their ways. This reaction is nothing less than expected from them.

After five minutes of reminding himself of why this is such a bad idea, he knocks on the front door of the house anyway and crosses his arms over his chest, anxiously waiting for someone to open up. He can hear Apollo and Sebastian barking in the backyard and he smiles to himself. He definitely missed them.

“Zack? What are you doing here?”

Jack is standing on the other side of the threshold, eyebrows raised and bag of potato chips in one hand. He looks every bit as confused about what he’s seeing as Zack feels about being there.

“I’m kind of…here to see your roommate. Not that it’s not nice seeing you but…Yeah. Is Martin here?”

Jack shakes his head, “He’s working. Won’t be home for another hour at least. You can come inside, though. I know he’ll kill me if you came by and I didn’t keep you around until he got home.”

He finds himself in Jack and Martin’s kitchen, both of Martin’s dogs sniffing at him and pressing their noses into his hands to get him to pet them and it seems like they’ve missed him as much as he’s missed them. Jack is sitting across from him at the table, eating chips and grading papers for his class and Zack’s not sure what to say next. He could bring up how the local sports teams are doing – Jack definitely likes sports. Or he could ask Jack how his classes are going and how his students are this year. Or maybe Jack can just beat him to it and speak first.

“I hope you realize that Martin isn’t the same guy that he was when he was nineteen,” he says carefully, not looking up from his papers. “I don’t think anybody is the same as they were when they were nineteen. You do a lot of dumb things at that age. And Martin has definitely moved past them. I can’t really tell you what happened, but I can promise that Martin’s been living with me ever since it did, and over the course of three years I have seen him change for the better.”

Zack doesn’t really have a good response for him.

“He finished all of his hours at the shelter for his community service last summer. He’s been working there since then because he wants to. And he adopted Apollo when his social worker suggested it, but he adopted Sebastian because the dog needed a home and nobody was willing to take him in. He’s a completely changed guy and he’s learned from the mistakes he made. He deserves a chance to explain that to you. So I hope you stick around until he gets home because I know that would definitely lift his spirits a little.”

He says all of this without even looking at Zack, and Zack is grateful for that because he’s beyond embarrassed and he’s pretty sure his ears are the brightest shade of red anyone’s seen in a while. Leave it to Jack to put him in his place and tell him how it is. He feels even worse than he did before and he didn’t even think that would be possible. “How’s he been doing?” he manages to as without embarrassing himself even more.

“Not great, for obvious reasons,” Jack tells him, “But he’s been managing. He really did love you so it had to have hurt when you dumped him the way you did. Despite the fact that he sort of knew it was coming.”

Jack goes back to grading and Zack decides to stop bothering him. He moves himself into the living room, sitting down on the couch where he used to feel at home and comfortable. Now he just feels out of place, which is kind of depressing. He felt more at home here than he did at home sometimes. He passes the time by watching TV and when he hears keys unlocking the front door a little while later, he tenses up and gets ready for Martin to kick him out and tell him he never wants to see him again. Worst case scenario. Zack is totally ready for it.

Instead, when Martin actually registers exactly who is sitting on his living room couch waiting for him, he doesn’t look angry or pissed off at all. He grins at Zack as he drops his keys on the coffee table and starts pulling his hoodie over his head, revealing the red CVS work shirt. “I was definitely not expecting you to be here. Ever,” he says, pulling the hoodie over his head completely and tossing it onto the recliner.

“I really just need to talk to you,” Zack admits, standing up and rocking nervously on his feet, hands in his pockets as he smiles a bit in an effort to look a bit less like he’s going to puke. “If you want to talk to me, that is.”

“Sure,” Martin shrugs, still smiling right back at him. “We can talk in my room if you want. Unless you’re more comfortable in here. Your choice.”

He doesn’t deserve a choice, really, but Martin’s giving him one anyway. They make their way to his bedroom, Martin talking a mile a minute, trying to fill the awkward silence with words about his day. A dog almost bit him at the shelter. A kid tried to steal a pack of gum from CVS. Thrilling stuff, really. But Zack is a little too preoccupied about the fact he’s about to basically beg for forgiveness from his ex.

“Honestly, I’m really glad you decided to come by,” Martin says as he sits down on his bed. He looks up at Zack and all Zack can do is try and not remember everything they did in that bed.

“Well…I didn’t just come over to talk. It’s selfish, really,” Zack admits, fingers rubbing at the back of his neck, “My parents…I kind of had a huge fight with them. And my first instinct was to come here. And I know that makes it sound even worse but…I’m really here because I do want to make things right between us. If you’ll let me.”

“I want that too. But you have to let me go first. I want to explain everything I should have explained from the beginning.”

So Zack sits down on the opposite end on the bed, pulls his legs up and crosses them underneath him and looks at Martin as he speaks, hoping that by the end of the night, things will at least be slightly back to the way they were during the summer.

“I was a stupid college kid. Like, really stupid,” Martin says, looking down at his hands, “I didn’t think about anything before I did it. The thing I got busted for wasn’t entirely my fault but I did have it coming. I got busted at a party – you know the details already. Afterwards, the judge felt kind of bad for me I guess. He decided since I didn’t have any other charges against me in the past and I seemed like a decent kid, he’d let me go with community service. I was pissed off about it at the time but I eventually stopped being an asshole and accepted it all.

He laughs and shakes his head, as if just the reminder of what he did is embarrassing. Which, Zack guesses, it probably is.

“But that was all such a long time ago. I don’t even associate myself with that part of my past because I’ve changed so much. I should have told you from the beginning, but I was convinced it would just scare you off. And then after I realized I was already going to lose you as it was, I realized telling you would just make you run even faster. So I just kept it all to myself. I was losing you no matter what, and that wasn’t even because of anything I did. No use giving you more reasons. You know?”

Zack gets it. He does. He was an idiot and didn’t believe that he and Martin could last through the summer. He gave up on them before they even really got started. So Martin had every right to keep that part of his past to himself.

“I’m leaving Pace,” Zack tells him, inching closer to him on the bed. “I’m not going back after break is over. Other than to get my stuff, anyway. I hate it.”

“I mean…I hate to say it but…Didn’t I tell you so?” Martin smirks.

He did tell him so, and it’s not the first time that Zack is going to find himself wishing he had listened. “You did. But I get it now. And I’m hoping I’ll be able to figure what to do with myself next. If my parents don’t kill me first.”

“I think you’ll figure it out,” Martin says, “And I mean, I’m always around. If you need advice. Or anything.”

It takes a lot to force himself not to grab Martin and hug him, because he doesn’t think they’re quite there yet. But he smiles and nods and thinks that this is definitely the beginning of starting over together.