Clumsy Little Heart

Zack has three weeks to get his life together. Three weeks to pack all of his shit up in boxes – all the shit he deems important enough to take with him. His room looks like a bomb hit it and he’s only gone through his dresser drawers. He still needs to take on his closet. He’s accumulated a lot of clothes over the past few years of his life and he kind of totally doesn’t recall that happening.

John had called earlier in the afternoon to see if Zack wanted to go catch a movie or something, claiming he’s already halfway done with his packing and Zack can’t see how that’s possible. John has the attention span of a goldfish. There’s no way he could be halfway done by now.

Needless to say, Zack had to decline that invitation. There was no way his mother would let him leave the house until he had at least his jeans and t-shirts packed up. It doesn’t sound like that difficult of a task, but as it turns out, it’s actually pretty hard trying to pick which ones to bring and which to leave behind. Does he want to bring a lot of band tees? Or maybe leave those behind and bring his plain t-shirts and button ups. Or maybe a mix of both. That would probably be best, he realizes as he folds up another old Green Day shirt.

The floor is finally slightly less covered in clothes by the time seven o’clock rolls around and there’s only one t-shirt left to make a decision on. It’s one of Martin’s simple white tees that he stole a week ago. This should probably stay behind, he decides, folding it up and pushing it towards the back of his bottom drawer. It’ll stay there until he comes home for winter break. He’s going to try not to think about where Martin will be at that point, too.

It gets late before Zack can realize it and suddenly his mom is knocking on his bedroom door, informing him of a sudden dinner party her and his father forgot all about.

"We won't be home too late," she tells him as she fixes one of her earrings, standing in his doorway. "I left money for pizza. You two can order from wherever you want, it should be plenty. Okay?"

He's about to tell her yes, that he understands and that he's fine with it, but then her words actually register in his brain. "Two of us?"

She gives him a strange look. "Martin's here," she says slowly, glancing to her right. "He said he texted you."

And then Martin is standing beside his mother, cheeks red as if he's been caught in a lie. Which he totally has. But Zack will let him get away with this one. "Right, he did; I forgot. Sorry about that."

"Alright well I'll leave you two alone. See you in the morning."

Normal parents probably would not let their eighteen year old be alone in his room with his boyfriend all night. But Zack knows his parents just don't care what he and Martin do while they're out. They know it'll be over as soon as he moves into the city. Sad how they just assume how his life is going to go.

Martin is quiet for the first few minutes. He sits on the floor beside Zack and watches him finish up his packing and organizing. He looks sad, which Zack can't blame him for. But Zack has nothing to say to comfort him.

"You've never spoken about Gabe," Martin states as he looks down at something in his hands. He looks up, catches Zack watching him and holds it up in explanation. "You looked pretty happy."

It's an old photo in a picture frame that Zack had shoved in the bottom drawer of his dresser all those months ago when Gabe had dumped him. It's from Gabe's birthday, when they took him to dinner and everything was great and perfect and things were going well. And then Gabe broke up with him two weeks later because he was 'bored'.

"I thought I was happy," Zack says as he takes the frame out of Martin's hands. "I don't think I really was, though. Looking back, at least. Gabe was...Gabe was too perfect. Too... High maintenance. He outgrew me faster than I thought he would. There's not much to say about him."

"Why did you break up?"

Zack laughs, "Well, basically, Valentine’s Day came around and he decided he didn't really feel the relationship anymore and broke up with me over the phone that morning. I should have seen it coming but I guess I just didn't want to."

"Oh...I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. You treat me better than he ever did, so..."

Martin smiles, "That's probably because I actually love you..."

And that? He definitely saw that coming. He could tell Martin has been anxious to say it since last week when they almost had sex after Martin got home late from work. If Jack hadn't walked in, it totally would have happened. And Zack isn't sure how he would have reacted back then. But now his only thought is to kiss him - because that's what you do when someone says they love you and you aren't so sure if you want to say it back... Isn't it? No? Whatever, he'll go with it. And he knows Martin will too.

Before long they're both on Zack's bed, piles of clothes pushed over the side and ignored for the time being. Martin's hands are cold, but Zack finds himself leaning in closer to his touch, reveling in the feel of his hands on his skin. Martin told him he was nervous but that nervousness isn't really coming through right now. He seems confident and certain of himself as he presses his fingers into Zack's hips and pulls him closer to his body. Zack knows he's taking the lead on this but Martin's putting in some good effort of his own.

"I love you," he hears himself say and it surprises him; but even more surprising is the realization that he means it. One hundred percent. He loves this guy in his bed, holding him close and touching him and just being there. He remembers telling Gabe he loved him, too, but it never felt like this. It never felt this safe.

"I love you too," Martin says back and he blushes and ducks his head and there goes all the confidence Zack was seeing. Once the emotions come out, Martin's confidence goes out the window.

"You are ridiculous," Zack laughs, brushing his fingers through Martin's hair pushing him back so he can see his face again. "Relax, alright?"

It takes thirty seconds for Martin to let go of any insecurities he was holding on to and let Zack take over completely. He knows his parents won't be home until late and that they probably won't come up and check on him at all. Small advantages to having parents who don't really care.

He pulls off Martin's shirt and lets it fall between the wall and the bed, knowing they'll have to search for it tomorrow morning, but for now he doesn't care much. His fingers trace along Martin's sides and spread along his abs, pressing him flat on the bed and making it easier to undress him. He pulls his jeans off easily, Martin lifting his hips to aid in the process and sure, he has seen Martin like this before but that doesn't make him any less breathtaking this time. And Zack makes sure to tell him that.

"You're not so bad yourself," Martin tells him, reaching up and tugging at Zack's shirt. "Actually, you're gorgeous."

Zack knows that by doing this together, they're only strengthening their relationship. It's not exactly the best thing to do, considering they're probably going to break up in a matter of weeks but Zack can't bring himself to stop it. He knows if he doesn't do this, he'll only regret it. He'll think back on this and hate himself for not going all the way with the one person he's felt safe with in a long time. Possibly ever. So he's not going to fuck this up. At least, he's going to try not to.

- - -

"I don't want you to leave," Martin mumbles in the middle of the night, and he knows that Zack is just as awake as he is.

Sex with Martin was better than he ever thought it could be and although most of him is glad they actually went through with it, a very small part of him thinks it was a dumb idea. Because this is just one more thing he shares with this boy next to him. College is three weeks away. What's going to happen when Zack is there, in New York City, meeting new people and having the time of his life and Martin is still on Long Island and wondering what Zack is doing without him?

"I don't want to go either," Zack hears himself whisper, and that's all they say about it. It's probably better this way.