What's a Little Vertigo

I awoke slowly to the sounds of beeping and hissing. My whole body ached, almost as though I had been hit by an oncoming vehicle, or set aflame. But no. Unfortunately, that's not what happened to me. Memories of that day came creeping into my brain. A tall, light haired man, drag gin me outside, pulling at my shirt and shorts. I was lucky enough to have fought back against him, scratching at his black eyes and kicking my feet near his groin. The man wasn't looking for a fight, he was on the prowl for a quick and easy fuck. I can only faintly remember everything else that occurred that day. Supposedly that was completely normal, at least that's what everyone told me.
I had yet to see any visitors. I knew that Matt and Josh had tried coming into my plain white room a numerous amount of times, but I told my nurses to keep everyone away. I didn't want them to see me like this. My face had a huge gash…well, now almost a scar, running from jaw to temple. I asked my doctor about that…I guess I'll have the scar for the rest of my life.
I peered out the window, gazing at the clouds and trees that lined the horizon. According to the gossipy nurses, my brother and Josh had been sulking around the hospital halls for a few days now, hoping I would soon crack and allow them to be in my presence. Part of me, wasn't exactly concerned with that fact. Selfish, I know.
Shifting in the hard bed, I turned my attention to the hallway outside my room. They were bringing in a new patient. I wonder what it'd be this time. Car wreck? House fire? It didn't much matter to me. The new patients would come and go. Some choosing to transfer to a different hospital in the area, while others were lucky enough to escape this prison. I closed my eyes once again, attempting to push all of the racing thoughts into my subconscious.
"Megan?" a shrill female voice called out, forcing me to sigh and turn onto my side.
"I already told you Anna, I don't want any visitors today." The nurse stayed silent, but from the sound of her shoes against the tiled floor, I knew she was making her way into the plain room.
"I understand that Megan, but I'm not here to force visitors upon you. I'm here to help you, and I think that talking to someone, other than a nurse or doctor, could be beneficial." I scowled and looked away, refusing to give the elderly nurse any eye-contact. I knew she was right. But was I willing to admit it? "Megan. Someone is waiting outside for you. I really think you should let him in. Would you like to see a visitor today?" I looked her way, only to see a sad Josh towering behind the woman. He appeared to be exhausted, almost as though he had been sleeping in the hallway. I bowed my head briefly, distracting myself by intertwining my fingers together. Did I want to see Josh? No. I knew that he would act as though everything were fine…like my face wasn't mangled. I knew I was overreacting about the mark, but how could I let someone accept my new face, when I couldn't?
"No." I said sternly. "I don't want to see anyone today." I heard someone sigh, but didn't look towards the people still standing in the room.
"Go pull a chair up beside her bed." Anna ordered. "Don't force her to look at you, but make sure she hears what you have to say." I knew that my nurse was displeased with my continuing to fight against guests, but I newer expected her to allow Josh to stay. Traitor…
Peering out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Josh made his way across the room. The long limbed boy seemed to crawl towards my bed.
"Megan…" he whispered. "I know you're upset, but you can't push everyone away. You need to talk to someone. You need help." I felt him place one of his large hands on my shoulder, his nimble fingers squeezing lightly. "I know you think that you can get through everything alone, but you can't. I'm in love with you. Please, let me be the person you turn to for help." The room went silent for what seemed to be an eternity. Josh had never told me that he was in love with me before now. Sure, we've said the occasional 'I love you'… but being in love with a person is a completely different ballpark.
Slowly, I turned his way, finally revealing my face to hi, He smiled and brushed the hair out of my face, lightly running his index finger over the stitches.
"You're still as beautiful as ever."
"The doctor says I'm going to have a scar," I murmured, tightly closing my eyes.
"Don't think of it as a scar, Megs. That mark represents a battle you have fought and won, and no one can ever take that away from you." I opened my eyes once more, watching as Josh lovingly traced my features with his fingertip. I reached up and gently took his hand in my own, tangling our fingers together. "I love you baby."
"I love you too Joshua Ramsay…now can we stop with all of this mushy stuff?" I asked with a grin.
Josh let out a hearty chuckle. "There's the Megan I know. Matt would be proud." I giggled and looked towards the ceiling; the large white lights were almost blinding.
"Speaking of my brother…where is he?"
"He's working a summer job. I guess he's helping Steve with his landscaping business. He's been pretty busy lately."
"Are my parents home?" Josh thought a bit before answering.
"No. But you're more than welcome to come stay with me and my family until you feel better."
"Why would I do that?" I questioned aloud, not thinking before speaking. "I'm moving to Chicago in like a week…" I trailed off, suddenly aware of what I had just done. Josh raised his eyebrows, looking slightly confused.
"Honey, I don't think I heard you correctly. Did you say you're moving to Chicago?" I closed my eyes, mentally slapping myself. Really Megan…word vomit much?
"Yes…"I responded hesitantly, not bothering to open my eyes.
"Wha…what are you talking about?" Josh seemed flustered, like someone was throwing a ton of bricks in his direction.
"I'm going to school in Chicago. Classes start in a week." I turned my head towards the blue eyed boy. His head was bowed towards the floor,his hands in his hair.
"When exactly were you planning on telling me this, Megan!?" He shouted, nearly leaping onto his feet. "Did you think I wouldn't notice my girlfriend running off into a completely different country!?"
"I wanted to tell you earlier, but….I was afraid."
"Afraid of what? Did you think I would run off and become a junkie again?" he accused, throwing his hands into the air. I was taken aback. Why would he bring his addiction into the conversation?
"Josh, it's not like that. Please, if you'd just let me explain…"
"What is there to explain, Megan?" my boyfriend snapped. "You're leaving in less than a week." I could feel the blood rushing through my veins, his tone lighting a fire within my chest. He had no right to yell at me…right? "How could you keep something like this from me?"
"Seriously, Josh? Heaven forbid you understand what having a secret is like." I spat bitterly. The boy's icy blue eyes squinted shut and he began to pull at the roots of his hair. That was probably the WORST thing I could have said to him in this situation…or ever.
"At the time, I didn't know how sick I truly was, Megan. How could I have told anyone?" He growled, anger rolling off of him in large waves. "My body was slowly being taken over by drugs and disorders that I didn't understand." I frowned, realizing how insensitive I had been. "You know what really fucking sucks, Megan? You've managed to show me how pathetic I actually am. My head has been in the clouds, unrealistically thinking about a future with you while you stand in front of me and can't even entertain the idea of me being a part of your life."
"Josh, please don't say that. You know how much I love you." I whimpered, holding my arms out to him as if I were a child. However, he just shook his head in disdain.
"Do you think I wouldn't have supported you? I could have come to understand why you want to leave Vancouver."
"I know you would have been there for me 100% Josh." I pulled myself onto my feet and walked in his direction, feeling Josh's eyes follow my every move. He sighed, but held out his hand and brought me into a tight hug, while rubbing my back, and rocking our bodies in a slow motion.
"Maybe, we're just trying to force something that isn't meant to be." I felt as though my heart had stopped beating. Burying my head into his chest, I inhaled his scent and allowed hot tears to stain his shirt.
"Don't Josh…you promised you wouldn't leave me alone." Josh took a deep breath and ceased his movements.
"Sometimes, you just have to let a promise go." Was Josh trying to himself that we weren't meant to be together?
"Don't leave Josh."
Josh ignored me, continuing with his own thoughts. "I don't think of us just as boyfriend and girlfriend, Megan. I thought you were my best friend. But how can you not tell your best friend about this?" he stated with a pause. "Go to Chicago, Megan. You'll love it there. You'll have fun."
"You'll be here when I get back…right, Josh?" I pushed, finally gazing up into his sparkling eyes. He stayed silent for a moment, before kissing the top of my head.
"You'll have a great time, Megan. Now let's get you back in bed."
"Josh, stop." I said stubbornly, pushing all of my weight against him. He didn't push back, he just stood in place, not moving a muscle.
"Promise me one thing? Be careful, okay? There are bad people everywhere, no matter how awesome or civilized a place is."
"But you'll be here when I get back?" I repeated, leaning against his body. "How am I supposed to know if you won't tell me, Josh?" Josh's eyes filled with sadness as he looked out into the hallway. "What does this mean for us, Josh?"
Josh sighed, and pulled away, making sure I kept my balance. "It means, have a good time in Chicago." Sticking his hands in the pockets of his jeans, he walked out the door and into the hallway, leaving me standing in the room alone.
I knew I needed to fix this…and I also knew that Josh needed some space right now. 'He's just acting on shock and emotion' I told myself in a reassuring way.
God, I hope I'm right.