What's a Little Vertigo

"Be sure you call mom and dad when you land in Chicago." Matt commanded, as he ushered my towards the front door, car keys in hand. I frowned, but nodded my head. I was in no mood to attempt at creating a conversation with my parents. "I'm gonna miss you a lot, little sister." My older brother added, opening his arms in an exaggerated gesture.
"You act as if you'll never see me again, Matt." I told the boy, allowing him to pull me into a hug. "Besides, you know I'll call you so much you'll get sick of hearing my voice." Matt shrugged his shoulders as he swung the front door open and walked out into the blinding sunlight. I partially felt guilty for leaving Matt. He kept assuring me that he wasn't upset about the move, but I hated thinking that I was technically leaving him here to fend for himself.
I was extremely excited, however, about the move. My life in the outside world was officially starting. Yet, something still held me back. Josh. I still had not heard from the boy and at this point, I held little hope that he would speak to me anytime soon. I had no idea where he stood on our relationship; but from what he said earlier, it seemed like he was lost in self-doubt and uncertainty, and I hated myself for making him feel that way. But he knew when I would be leaving, and he still had made no effort in contacting me…and so, I would make my journey without his support.
I followed Matt outside, breathing in the suburban Vancouver air. I was unsure if I would miss any part of Vancouver…I knew for a fact I would miss my brother and friends…but would I miss the simple things that made the city of Vancouver my home? Paying no attention, I trudged forward, unaware that Matt had suddenly come to a stop, and rammed directly into his back; the force nearly knocking me off of my feet.
"Christ, Matt. Why the hell did you stop? What's the hold up?" I asked as I regained my balance and shifted my backpack into a more comfortable position. Matt stayed silent, not moving a muscle. Confused, I followed his stare and glanced towards the quiet street…and then I saw him. He was leaning against his car at the end of my driveway, a cigarette in his hand. It was early in the morning, but the brisk morning air didn't seem to affect him.
"Ramsay," my brother called out, gaining the other boy's attention. Josh brought the cigarette up to his mouth once more, before dropping it onto the hard cement that lie beneath his feet. "What are you doing here." Running a hand through his hair, Josh approached us, stopping directly in front of Matt. His eyes seemed sad and confused.
"I was hoping I could drive Megan to the airport…I wanna solve somethings before she leaves."
Matt hesitated for a second, but sighed and nodded his head.
"Alright, that's fine. Just do me a favor and make sure she gets to the airport on time."
"I will," Josh mumbled, before turning on his heel and walking back to his car. He once again leaned against it, seemingly waiting for me to join him.
"Well, little sister…I guess this is it. Do your homework, stay out of trouble, and for the love of God…be careful." my older brother lectured, pulling me into one last hug.
"No promises," I responded with a smile, leaning into his embrace. After a few seconds he released me and playfully shoved me towards Josh's car. "Love you." I called out from over my shoulder as I reached Josh, turning to wave goodbye.
"Love you too, Megs. See you later."
Watching as Josh opened the passenger's door, I slid into his car, placing my bag on the backseat.
"Didn't you bring anything else?" Josh asked, looking at the lonely bag.
"No, I shipped everything a few days ago." I informed him, as he put his key into the ignition. "Thanks for driving me." Josh shrugged his shoulders, keeping his eyes on the road. "Did you wait long?"
'Not really. Probably only fifteen minutes." he stated plainly. I knew Josh better than that. He could have been waiting outside for six hours, and still would have responded in the way that he did. I guess it was in his sweet nature. "I figured you would be leaving pretty early." I nodded my head and stared out the window. His voice was raspy and his demeanor was cold…I didn't want to alarm him to the fact that being in his presence was nearly breaking my heart into a thousand pieces. "And, I didn't want to miss you leaving."
Still pretending to peer out the window, I took one last look at the familiar sights I had learned to love. I wasn't going to force Josh into speaking. I would give him his space, just as Matt informed me to do a few days ago. He'd say something eventually…right?
Suddenly, I felt his hand run down my back, sending a jolt of electricity running up my spine. His hand landed in my lap and opened in invitation. I took the opportunity almost immediately, and interlocked our fingers, breathing deeply when he lightly squeezed my hand.
"We need to talk, Megan." He uttered, waiting for me to give him my full attention before continuing. "I know I've been kind of absent the past few days…and I have good reason. I've been thinking about everything we've been through together. I've been thinking about how much I love you, and about our relationship as a whole." I bowed my head slightly, but still listened intently. "Part of me wants to believe that we could last while you're in Chicago. I mean, you'll be coming home on breaks and during the summer, right?" I nodded my head in response, waiting for him to continue. "But another part of me, doesn't feel it's right to hold you down…you're going to be in another country, 2000 miles away. You shouldn't have to be tied down to Vancouver. You shouldn't have to be tied down to me."
In that moment, I felt a piece of me crumble. "Y…You don't want to be with me anymore?" I sputtered out.
Josh shook his head. "You know that I WANT to be with you, Megan. That's not a question. I just can't bear the thought of me keeping you from someone better. Someone who is going to have a stable career, and can provide everything in the world for you." I shook my head in protest, taking in the shake of his voice, and the tears stinging his beautiful eyes.
"Josh…no, don't say that." I breathed out as he pulled his car into the departure lane, and put the vehicle in part.
"You're going to meet a really amazing guy Megan. Someone who deserves you." The shaggy haired boy unbuckled his seatbelt and reached into the backseat, taking my bag in his hands. My eyes followed him as he rounded the car, and pulled open my door, waiting for me to get out. Defiantly, I stayed still, refusing to move.
"Come on Megan, you can't miss your flight. You know that Matt will have a stroke if I bring you back." I frowned but complied, crossing my arms across my body and looking at the ground. Josh stepped towards me, and placed the bag over my shoulders, before wrapping his long arms around me.
Josh, please don't do this," I whimpered, burying my head into his chest. He placed his lips on the top of my head, and inhaled my scent.
"This doesn't have to be the end, Megan. We can still be friends." he murmured into my hair.
"No."
"Look, please don't make this harder than it has to be, Megan. Maybe in a few years, we can give it another shot. Okay? I'm just trying to do what I think is best. You need to understand that." I did understand him, I just didn't want to accept what he was saying. If he truly love me, he would want to push through this…right? "You need to get going, okay?"
Pulling myself from his chest, I nodded and looked towards the airport's entrance. "Okay."
"That's my girl," Josh said, with a light smile. Gently, he wiped the tears from my eyes, and opened the back door of his car. When he returned, he held a hoodie in his hand. "Everything will work out for the best. I promise." He stated, holding out the bright red sweatshirt towards me. "Here, take this. I've always wanted to visit Chicago. Now, maybe a piece of me can."
Grimacing, I looked into his eyes. "I'm gonna miss you so much, Josh."
"I'll miss you too, Megs. But i'll be right here waiting when you get back. Now, have a safe flight and learn a lot while you're gone, okay?" I hugged the boy once more, resting my head in the crook of his neck.
"I love you." I stated as he pulled away, and I began walking towards the airport. I was unsure if Josh had returned the gesture, but I couldn't turn back now…and so with that, I lost my heart and the love of my life.