What's a Little Vertigo

All the times I tried to steal my best for you
And I threw it up to keep it down
And watch it burn I hate the sound
I, I know just how you feel
'Cause I don't know how it ever got away

'Cause I still feel all the things I did before
When you used to need it more
Remember all the ways you fixed me, how?
Well you fixed me now (Yeah)
And if your ever feeling you're
Bruised and battered, always sore
And I wont tell no one
Just breathe, breathe

My eyes snapped open and I rolled off of my bed with a thud as the sounds of guitar and drums rang through my ears.

And I'd rip it out if that would make you feel it more
And I know you hate to watch me pout
And tear it off and scream it out
I, I know that even though your breaking
You'll get sick and terrified

I still feel all the things I did before
When you used to need it more
Remember all the ways you fixed me, how?
Well you fixed me now (Yeah)
And if your ever feeling you're
Bruised and battered, always sore
And I wont tell no one
Just breathe, breathe

Reaching up and pulling my cellphone down from the nightstand, I clicked the center button and waited for the scene to light up, displaying the time.

You can have it all (You can have it all)
You can take it all (You can take it)
You can have it I don't mind, I don't mind, I don't mind (I don't mind at all)
Oh, oh, oh, ohhhh
Just take it all
You can take it all!

4:30… it was 4 fucking :30 in the morning and they were already at it.

And if your ever feeling you're
Bruised and battered, always sore
And I wont tell no one
If you fix you
How do we fix you now?
All the things you did before
When you used to need it more
Remember all the ways you fixed us?
How do we fix this now?

And if your ever feeling your
Bruised and battered, always sore
I won't tell no one
Just breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe!

"Goddammit," I growled, removing myself from the floor and storming through my house until I reached the basement stairs.
"Matthew!" I snarled, stomping down the steps. I could hear talking from below me. "I am going to shove that fucking guitar up your ass!" I rounded the corner to see Matt, Josh, Ian, and Mike standing in a circle. "Can someone please explain why I've had such a rude awakening at 4:30 on a Wednesday morning?" Matt and Ian flashed me sheepish grins, while Josh looked apologetic and Mike opened his mouth to speak.
"Sorry Megs… we are trying to perfect this song." I sighed and ran a hand through my curly, tangled hair.
"I can see that… why so early?" This time Ian spoke.
"Mr. Ramsay found inspiration,"
"Guilty," Josh threw in as the drummer continued.
"We've been trying to finish this song for awhile now. It's kind of a big deal."
"Alright, I guess I can understand that." Matt smiled and placed his guitar on one of the nearby stands, Josh and Mike following suit.
"So what did you think of the song?" My older brother asked, wiping a layer of sweat from his forehead.
"Before or after I rolled off of my bed and slammed my head against the floor?"
"Seriously Megs," Matt laughed. "What did you think?"
"It was really, really good."
"Yeah?" Josh questioned wiping his hands on his thighs.
"Totally. It's different from the music on the radio. It has more… edge and emotion. I can tell that each lyric has it's own meaning… it's own specific place in the song. Trust me, I'm not going to fuck around with you guys." Josh eyed me and smirked.
"I call bullshit," he stated. I could tell from his tone that he was messing around. "I think that you are just telling us what we want to hear. You want to go back to sleep. You have an alterior motive." I glanced over to Mike, Matt, and Ian. Each boy had a peculiar look on his face, like they knew something I didn't. I tried interpreting it, but my attention was pulled away when I noticed Josh charging towards me. "But that ain't happening little girl." he exclaimed, forcing me into a hug. "If I have to hangout with these losers, so does my bestfriend."
The boy lifted my feet off of the ground and twirled me around, causing me to giggle.
"Bestfriend? I've been promoted." Josh stopped spinning and set me down, but didn't release me from the hug. "Chris and Andrew are going to be so disappointed." Josh laughed loudly, and a feeling of joy and comfort rushed through my body. I'd never seen him this happy.
"Shhhh…. what they don't know won't hurt them." The blue eyed boy moved his mouth to my ear. "Nice pajamas by the way," he whispered, sending chills down my spine. Pushing past the feeling, I laughed and playfully shoved him away.
"Fuck off Josh."
"I'd hate to interrupt." Matt said grinning like a fool. "But I'm gonna go throw-up now."
"What are you talking about Matthew?"
"Oh, please," Matt said with a roll of his eyes. "Ever since you and Ramsay started hanging around each other two months ago, you've been crushing on him. You're just too oblivious to notice your own feelings. I mean goddamn, whenever I mention his name, you blush and get all giggly." Heat suddenly spread throughout my entire body. Do I like Josh as more than a friend? I really had never even given any thought to this question. Sure, I think Josh is incredibly sweet, funny, and loving. He is strong and determined, having overcome so much in such a short time span, and I greatly admire him for that. In the past few weeks, I've learned a lot about Josh. I know he would NEVER ever think about laying a finger on me and would protect me until the end. He has more courage and talent in one fingernail than most people have in their entire body, and he wants people to know that it is okay to ask for help. He helped me understand that talking through my problems doesn't make me a weaker person. Not to mention, his stunning blue eyes make my heart beat fast and when he smiles I melt. So, yeah. I could probably say I like him as more than a friend. But it would be a cold day in hell when I admitted that to Matt.
"Don't get all cheeky over there Ramsay. You are in the same boat as Megan. The only difference is that you know exactly how you feel. It's written all over your face," Matt said pointedly to Josh.
"Yeah man, I mean she's all you talk about," Mike added. I peered up at Josh. He looked uncomfortable and was shifting uneasily on the balls of his feet. "And when you two are together, you are almost inseparable."
I laughed nervously and looked down at my feet as an awkward silence filled the basement. "Ummmmm…. so yeah. I think I'm going to go get ready for school. I'll see you guys in a little bit."
"Uhh… I guess we should practice a few more songs…" Josh stated walking back to his guitar and strumming lightly over the strings. I nodded my head, before turning on my heel and bolting up the stairs, not stopping until I hit my room. Leaning against the now closed door, I let out a deep breath. How could I have missed this? I saw all of the signs, especially when I had been around Josh's family. Was I really that oblivious? Or was I just to preoccupied with Gabe to recognize my feelings? I groaned sinking down to the floor, resting my head on my knees. What am I going to do now? I really only have three options. One: Pretend like nothing was ever said. Two: Talk to him about it. Three: Avoid him for the rest of my life… ok, so the third option wasn't really possible, but I need to do something. No matter how hard I might try, I can't ignore this forever.
I remained in this position for a little while longer, collecting my scattered thoughts, before deciding to prepare for the day. Luckily I had showered last night, so I had more time to choose an outfit from my disaster of a closet.
Once I was satisfied with my appearance, I abandoned my bedroom and headed into the kitchen. I noticed Josh, Mike, and Ian sprawled across various pieces of furniture in the other room. Matt on the other hand was busy digging through a cupboard in the kitchen.
"Hey… so… I can't drive you to school today," Matt said quietly, removing himself from the cupboard; he had a box of fruit-rollups in his hand.
"Why?"
"Mom and Dad called. They need me to get them from the airport. They're coming home early."
"So, am I taking my car?"
"No. Ian still needs your car."
"What the hell happened to his car? Did he drive it off of a fucking bridge?" Matt chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. "So how am I getting to school?"
"We'll get Josh to take you."
"Matt! No!"
"Why?"
"You know the answer to that question Matthew," I hissed.
"What? Because I stated the obvious?"
"In a completely embarrassing way!"
"Look, I'm sorry that I embarrassed you. I was just getting tired of tip-toeing around you two. But if you don't at least talk to him, nothing is going to get better." I scowled, but I knew it didn't reach my eyes. Matt was 100% right. "I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't think there was something between you two. But I know Josh well enough to see that he is head over heels for you, and the two of you haven't even started to consider dating. Hell, a blind man could tell how he feels about you. Shutting Josh out of your life would completely crush him, and I know that it would be extremely painful for you as well. He makes you happy, happier than Gabe ever did, and that makes everyone else around you happy. So yes, I am sorry for making things awkward, but I don't regret what I did."
I took a deep breath and quickly released it through my nose. "Fine… but you ask him." Matt smiled, tossing me the box of Fruit-Rollups.
"Will do little sister." He exited the kitchen and walked towards the couch Josh was lying across. I moved closer to the doorframe, so I could hear the conversation.
"Hey Ramsay, wanna do me a favor?"
"Depends… what will it cost me?"
" A few miles worth of gas money." He paused briefly before continuing. "Drive my sister to school. My parents need to be picked up from the airport."
Josh was silent for a few seconds. "Sure, I'll take her… as long as she's okay with it."
"She'll be fine, don't worry about it."
"Alright Man… but if you're throwing me headfirst into the fire, I will literally force-feed your guitar to you."
"Thanks Dude, I owe you one."
Matt returned to the kitchen with a cocky smile on his face.
"Go get your stuff put together Megs. You have school in a half-hour."

I exited my house, slamming the door behind me. It smelled like spring. The grass and trees were covered in moisture and brightly colored flowers were beginning to bloom.
I slowly made my way to Josh's car, following the cement path instead of walking across the lawn, as I would usually do. Josh was already sitting in his car, the engine was running and he seemed to be playing with his radio. I opened the car door and sat beside the boy, placing my bag on the floor between my feet. I never once made eye contact with Josh.
The first half of the car ride were almost unbearable, the only sounds were coming from passing traffic and the radio. The silence was slowly eating me alive.
"So… I really did love the new song." I said, cracking under the pressure.
"Thanks. Uhh… we'll probably record it soon. Maybe it will be the song that we've been looking for."
"I hope so, you guys are amazing. You deserve to be signed." Josh smiled briefly, but turned his attention back to the road.
"Look… about what Matt said… I don't want things to be awkward between us Josh."
"It's hard for things not to be awkward Megan." he responded with a small frown. "I know we haven't been hanging out for a long period of time, but believe it or not, I mean't what I said earlier. You are my bestfriend and I don't want to lose you."
"You won't Josh." The boy sighed pulling into the school's parking lot and parked in an empty space near the front. "I'm always going to be here for you, even when things get awkward. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I am a complete bitch, and I am going to get pissed off at you, but I will always be your friend." I explained with a soft smile as I looked out the window, watching as more cars began filling the parking lot.
"Well, I better go. Class starts in a few minutes. I'll see you later Josh." I hooked my arm into the strap of my bag and pushed the door open.
"Wait, Megan." Josh said hurriedly, grabbing my hand. I slowly rotated in question and as soon as I was facing the boy he instantly had his lips pressed gently against my own. Shockwaves ran through my body, making my fingers and toes tingle. I responded, pushing my lips with more force into his.
The kiss seemed to be over as soon as it began. Josh slowly pulled away and rested his forehead against my own. I opened my brown eyes to see his blue ones staring back at me. They were filled with a mixture of hope and worry.
"Wow… that was… um… wow." I murmured.
"Is that a good 'wow'?"
"That is a very good 'wow'." Josh's whole face relaxed and lit up.
"Well, I must say, I'm glad that didn't backfire on me." I grinned and removed my forehead from his own.
"I really need to get to class," I said with a laugh as I looked at the clock on his dashboard. "But I need to know something before I go. What does this mean?"
Josh thought about this for a second before responding. "It means that there could be some potential change in the future. But I don't want you to be late for class… so we'll talk about it later. I'll tell Matt that I'm picking you up from school. I nodded and slowly got out of the car, waving as he pulled our of the parking space and drove away. I began walking towards the building, only stopping when my phone vibrated.
Josh: I hope you realize that we will probably never be able to get your brother's ego back to a manageable size.
I laughed and my heart skipped a beat.
Maybe a little embarrassment isn't so bad after all.