It Feels Like I'm Falling In Love Alone

It's been years since that day. It still burns, the memories of it. I still dream about it too. That poor, sad little Andy who shuns any thoughts of loving another person just because the one guy he liked thought of him as a no body.

I've moved out of my parents house, and now live in somewhat of a penthouse with my fellow band members. Jake decided to break up with Evan after we graduated and is now dating CC. They both share a room on the other side of the suit. Ash lives in the room across the hall from mine. I never set foot in there, hell, when we're home I barely leave my room.

I could hear him now, flirting on the phone with some random girl. I didn't know who she was, nor did I want to know. She'd show up, they'd have sex in his room, then she'd leave. It tears me apart every time, and Ash knows how uncomfortable I am with all of it, but he doesn't care.

I honestly have no where to go. I can't move into the room across from CC and Jake, because they make the same amount of noise as Ash does. And for some unknown reason, Ash refuses to move rooms too. I've got no one in this house, and I've got no where to go.

I was sitting in my room, lying on my bed, trying to stop my tears from flowing when I felt a light weight shift onto my bed. I turned to see my black cat, Bruce Wayne, laying next to me. He was my only form of comfort in this house.

“Hey Bruce.” I smiled picking him up and laying him on my chest. He leaned up and licked one of the tears on my face. “Stop, I'll be alright.” I chuckled. There was a knock on my door. “Yeah?” I yelled.

The door opened and I could make out Ash's figure. “Andy, why is it always dark in here?”

“I like it dark. What do you want?” I sat up. Bruce jumped up and dashed off towards the living room. I heard a small bark. It was probably one of Ash's dogs wanting out of the cage.

“I haven't talked to you in a couple days.” He said closing the door behind him and walking in. He wasn't wearing a shirt, no surprise there, and had on his boxers. He came and sat on the foot of my bed in front of me, cross legged. “How have you been?” he asked.

“Fine.”

“Andy, you're not fine. You seem, empty, broken. What's wrong?”

“Like you care.” I whispered.

“Of course I care. You're my best friend Andy, why wouldn't I care?” I opened my mouth to say something, but I didn't.

“Look, just get out. I'm not in the mood.”

“No. I refuse to leave until you tell me why you would think I didn't care about you.”

“Well, lets take a look at the every day life of Ashley Purdy for a second. You bring random whores here every day, half of the time they're actual prostitutes. After you fuck them in the room across from mine, you tend to fall asleep, leaving me to pay them. You don't take any of my feelings into consideration, you're an insensitive asshole, and for the past two years since you've turned 21 you call me to come pick you up from random places, regardless of what I'm doing. Then I have to take you back the next day to pick up your bike. Now get the fuck out of my room.”

He sat there and looked at me for a second, looked down, then back up at me. “Andy, I'm... I'm so sorry. I didn't think-”

“Of course you didn't think! Being in any kind of friendship is a two person thing. All you've been doing is exploiting my kindness. All these years all you've been saying is 'Andy I'm Sorry.' or 'Andy, I'll Make It Up To You.'. Well it hasn't happened yet. Get the fuck out of my room.” I grabbed him by his arm and pulled him towards the door.

“Andy wait!” He said pulling from my grasp as I touched the door knob. “Just listen to me for a second. I didn't mean all of those things, I really didn't. I really am sorry. When it comes to making things up to you, I just don't know how!”

“Oh yeah? You don't know how, fine, I'll show you how.” I walked over to my desk, pulled open the top drawer and reached for a little slips if paper. I handed it to him. He opened them slowly, revealing his old 'IOU' cards that he had given back to me on my 19th birthday.

“You, still have these?” he laughed.

“You owe me.” I flipped to the one that was anything I wanted.

“OK, what do you want me to do?”

“Get the fuck out of my room.” I opened the door, letting Bruce back in. Ash stepped out and looked at me.

“Andy, I-”

“Save it.” I said closing the door. I walked and sat back on my bed. I reached for one of my pillows and screamed into it. I spent all this time, holding onto that stupid coupon hoping for the one chance to have Ash kiss me, I got all of my hopes up, waiting for that perfect moment that my feelings for him would come back, but instead my anger took control.

“I don't know what to do Jake. It's like with every passing day he just starts to hate me more and more. What did I do to him?” I heard Ash say in the kitchen. I was sitting at my desk, chatting with one of my friends I had made on tour, when I heard Jake and Ashley talking about me.

“Did you ever ask him? I can't really talk for him.” Jake sighed.

“I talked with him earlier and he said I didn't care for him.”

“Oh! I get what's happening.” Jake chuckled.

“What? Tell me, because I'm the only one not getting it.” Ash complained. Honestly, he would be the only one not to get it. “Hey Jake, how about you go talk to him for me?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No Ashley. Listen to me, we both know what happens when Andy starts to hate someone. Remember the old members of the band before Jinxx and I joined? They got kicked out because he hated them. If he starts hating you, you'll get kicked out, and I know Andy doesn't want you out of the band. Shape up or you'll get yourself kicked out.” I assume Jake walked out, because I heard a door close.

It's probably safe for me to go now. I got up and walked out of my room slowly. I peeked around the corner, to see who was still in the kitchen, and there was Ash, grabbing Jake's whiskey from the top shelf in the pantry. He turned around, and I ducked behind the wall.

“I see you Andy.” he laughed. Fuck. I walked out slowly, trying to hide my face behind my hair. I sat at the bar, not looking at Ash, but I could feel him looking at me, his eyes staring holes through me. “A-are you still mad at me?” he asked sitting a cup in front of me.

“No, I was never mad at you, just upset with you.” Heartbroken too, but we're not getting into that.

“I'm sorry.”

“You're always sorry.” I said drinking down the whiskey.

“I know. That's the only thing I know how to say. You know how bad I am with this kind of thing. Andy, look. You and I have been best friends for years, and I've always known you to be a happy person. It kills me when you're like this, and for the past 5 years you've been like this. Tell me what's wrong with you.” He poured me another cup.

“I can't.” I drank it down.

“Why not? Is someone threatening you?”

“No. Because if I tell you whats wrong, nothing good will ever come out of it.” He sat in the bar stool next to me. He pushed my hair out of my face and smiled at me.

“Andy, you can trust me. I promise.” And there it is. After 5 long and bitter years, it came back to me. My feelings for Ash, why I loved him so much, why I had a crush on him to begin with. I hadn't looked into those brown eyes of his for so long I almost forgot what they looked like when he smiled like this.

“Ashley, I.” I let my body take control of everything. I wrapped my fingers around his jaw, pulled his face close to me, then kissed him. I knew he was shocked, hell I was even shocked, but I didn't want to let him go. For so long I've been wanting this. He pushed me away.

“Andy, what the hell?!”

“This is why I didn't want to say anything. I knew this would happen.” I got up and ran back into my room, locking the door behind me. Why am I so fucking stupid? I just wanted to die.