It Feels Like I'm Falling In Love Alone

“Andy! Andy, it's Jake, open up!” Jake was pounding at my door. I wasn't asleep, I was actually just laying in my bed, like I usually do, watching some cartoon on TV. I think it's called Tuff Puppy or some shit. I got up and unlocked the door, letting Jake in.

“What do you want?” I asked laying back down. Jake closed the door behind him and laid next to me in my bed, trying not to lay on Bruce's tail.

“Andy, Ash told me what happened.” He sighed. “And now he's going bat shit crazy.”

“I knew he would. I knew that if I told him he would hate me.” I sighed running a hand through my hair.

“He doesn't hate you, he's just extremely confused. You should go talk to him.” Jake was more preoccupied playing with Bruce than talking to me.

“Jake, I don't want to talk to him. It'll only make things worse.” I pulled my covers over my head, only to have Jake yank them back down.

“Andy, not talking to him isn't making anything better. You should really consider it.”

“Well, I couldn't care either way. He's gonna hate me for being gay, he's gonna detest me for liking him. He's gonna want to kill me if he finds out that I've seen him naked.” I grumbled pulling the cover back over my head.

“There are a lot of things in this world that I wanted to know, and that wasn't one of them.” Jake chuckled. “Andy, just out of curiosity, how old are you?”

“Jake, stop it.”

“Answer the question. C'mon. Tell Papa Jake how old you are?” I couldn't help but laugh when he called himself 'Papa Jake'.

“I'm 23 Papa Jake.” I chuckled.

“Wow, 23, last time I checked, you're an adult at 23, not some crying little teenage girl. Man up and go talk to him dammit!” He laughed.

“I would, but I'm too scared. I have a fear of rejection.”

“And when did that show up?”

“A few years ago...” Jake let out another sigh, I could tell he was getting frustrated with me.

“Well, I'm not gonna push you to talk to him. Just at least get out of this room for a while. Can you promise me that?” He asked.

“Sure. I've been wanting to go for a walk anyway.” I got up and stretched.

“Good. I'll come check up on you later.”

“Hey Jake!” I smiled walking over to him and hugging him. “Thanks a lot, really.” He hugged me back.

“You're welcome kiddo. I gotta look after you. You're like my little brother, even if you're taller than me.” He smiled ruffling my hair and leaving. I guess I should go for a walk. I put on my jeans and a random black t-shirt I found in the closet and my old worn out converse.

I peaked my head around the corner, trying to make sure Ash wasn't in the living room. Just CC and Jake sitting on the couch. I walked out slowly.

“Hey Andy. Where you going?” CC smiled at me.

“Out for a walk. I'll be back in a bit.” I waved pulling on my jacket and walking out. The sun was bright in contrast to the dark of my room, but the warm light felt good on my skin. I walked slowly out to the sidewalk when I heard the slight revving of an engine. I ducked behind a tree before I saw some old man pass me on a motorcycle. I let out a sigh of relief, I thought it was Ash.

I managed to make my way to the park without running into Ash, not like he was here, or following me, right? I relaxed a bit and walked through the park, watching the children run and play. It was nice to just sit and watch. Then I heard the faint sounds of a guitar off in the distance. I turned and walked in the direction of the soft melody. Before I turned the corner, I saw Ash, sitting on a bench with his old guitar, playing some song that was familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

I just stood there and listened to the song, all the way through to the end. He had drawn somewhat of a crowd. When it was over, they clapped. I clapped a little, trying not to draw his attention to me. He had a soft grin on his face, it made him seem. I don't know, angelic, pure, extremely adorable. The crowed dispersed when he put his guitar back in it's case, but I stayed looking at him. Should I go talk to him, I don't know. I guess it wouldn't hurt. I stepped out from where I was, and started slowly walking in his direction.

“Ashley!” I heard a girl call on the opposite side of the walk way. I ducked back behind the tree and just watched them both. Ash looked up as the girl ran to him, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek.

“Hey. I've missed you.” He smiled pulling her into him.

“We've been away for like a day. It's not that big a deal.” She smiled. Ash chuckled, picked up his guitar case, and held onto her hand.

“C'mon. I got us reservations for lunch.” He smiled pulling her away. I sank down to my knees. All this time I was afraid of running into Ash. I should have turned around and walked away when I saw him. Now I've got nothing. Not a single thread of hope that Ash and I will ever be together.

I got up and managed to make my way home, completely dazed. I heard Jake talking to me when I got into the house, but it didn't register. I closed and locked my door, trying to stop my everything from hurting, but it wouldn't. I walked into the bathroom and started the shower. I stripped all of my clothes off and stepped in, only to just sink to the floor and start violently sobbing.

I was a fool to think that Ash and I would ever be anything. I mean, he has a girlfriend now. She was perfect, shorter than him, pretty blond hair, giant boobs, tan skin, everything Ash wanted. Then there's me, my only interesting feature are my eyes and the fact that no matter how many meals I skip or how much I actually do eat, I just stay the same weight. I'm tall, gangly, pale skinned, weak, awkward in everything I do. Then, oh here's another thing, I'm also a man. Ash wouldn't ever be into guys. He's way too straight for that.

I think I stayed in the shower for about forty-five minutes before I got out. I just looked at myself in the mirror. I don't understand why Ash would even consider me, even if he were gay, I doubt he would even give me a second glance. I couldn't help but laugh at how I'd gotten my hopes up. It was laughable. I set myself up to lose.

There was a knock a my room door. I put on some boxers before I walked over to it.

“W-who is it?” I asked.

“Andy, it's me. Can I come in?” It was Ash. Back from his date already?

“Fuck off!” I yelled going back into the bathroom to blow dry my hair. He kept knocking the entire time.

“Andy, I need to talk to you. Let me in.”

“I. Said. Fuck. Off.” I was getting annoyed with him. I'm trying to get over him, trying to fix myself after what I saw, and he won't go away.

“Andy, just let me in. Please?”

“No.”

“Just one minute.” I walked over to the door and unlocked it. I let him in and closed the door behind me.

“You've got one minute. What do you want?” I crossed my arms and looked at him.

“Andy. I'm sorry if I over reacted to what happened earlier.”

“You're always sorry.”

“I know. I know. I'm an idiot because I don't know how to treat you! I'm so used to being stuck with girl after girl and they're always better with just me apologizing. But I know that apologizing to you doesn't do shit to stop you from hating me. What will? Please tell me what will stop you from hating me so much.”

“I already told you, I don't hate you Ashley. How many times do I have to fucking say it? You and I have been best friends for the longest time. I've grown attached to you. I just wish that you'd go back to being my friend, like when we were younger, instead of this insensitive, uncaring ass hole that's standing in front of me. Then maybe I'll go back to the way I was.”

“That's not all, is it? You want something else, I can tell.” He mumbled.

“I want you to love me like I love you. There. I said it. Now get the fuck out. Your minute is over.” I opened the door and he walked out. I slammed it behind him and locked it again. I should probably buy a better lock for this door. Maybe a chain too.

I got up early the next morning and went to Wal Mart to buy a new lock for my door. They had a bunch to pick from, but I settled with the standard chain. I liked the silver one, it would match the black and silver theme of my room. I walked over to the counter. The girl that was working there looked oddly familiar. It wasn't until I heard her voice did it click. It was Ash's girlfriend.

“Buying a door chain, huh? Bad neighborhood?” She smiled.

“N-no. I uh... I'm trying to keep my roommates out of my room.” I chuckled.

“Oh, so you have a girlfriend?” She smiled.

“No. I just don't really like people. I'm kind of an introvert.”

“Poor thing. That will be $10 even.” I gave her my money, she gave me my bag and I tried to run, but she caught me by the hand. “You know, I could help you install that lock. Then maybe after, we can test how effective it is at keeping your roommates out.” She smiled.

“I'm sorry, but you're barking up the wrong tree. I'm actually gay and you're a trashy whore who hits on every guy she sees apparently. Have a nice day, keep your legs closed and don't catch an STD.” I smiled walking away. That felt good. Way too good.