Status: Alive
Save You Tonight
The Notebook
Day 1
Weight (pounds): 152
Water (glasses): 3
Food: a piece of toast, beans, some fried rice with chicken curry.
Episodes (vomiting): x2
Mood: Guilty
I went to therapy today and was given this silly journal to write in. Apparently I've to use it to remember certain feelings I get through the day, write what I eat, record dreams etc. I don't know how its supposed to help but I'm going to give it a try. I've also been told drinking slowly and eating through out the day instead of as one meal should help too.
I feel pretty bad right now, I spent the last few days being pretty mean to Harry. He was just trying to help me and I told him to leave. I think I've really upset him because he hasn't come round yet and it's 5pm. I hope I haven't screwed everything up. Its not fair for me to take all this out on him, he has been more than helpful, he's been amazing.
I had a weird dream last night that I had Amnesia. I told the shrink and he said it meant I was afraid of change. I guess I am, its a scary thing to have to deal with, especially after three years of the same habit.
I think I should open up to Harry about everything, so that he knows I'm really sorry about yesterday and that I want his help. If Harry knew then maybe he could help stop me? Maybe everything could get easier.
--- --- --- ---
Day 5
Weight (pounds): 152
Water (glasses): 2
Food: Weatabix with sugar
Episodes (vomiting): x0
Mood: tired
It hurts. They don't want me to puke but if I don't it hurts. Even when I do it still hurts. I'll stop eating, then it will stop.
--- --- --- ---
Day 7
Weight (pounds): 152
Water (glasses): 5
Food: a rice cake, some chips, ice cream
Episodes (vomiting): x2
Mood: contented
Harry and mum took me to the beach. Today seeing as its so warm. When we got there all our friends were waiting for us. Niall wouldn't stop hugging me. I've missed him.
My therapist said I look healthier even after just a week. He must be lying because nothing has changed. This is impossible, I will never get better. Everything hurts, I hardly see my friends. I'm not sure why I'm still trying.
--- --- --- ---
Day 10
Weight (pounds): 150
Water (glasses): 3
Food: cereal, toast, Doritos, fish fingers.
Episodes (vomiting): x3
Mood: worried
Harry resents me, I can tell. The way he looks at me. He wants me to be healthy so we can have a good, normal summer. He hates that I'm dragging him down. He would be so much better off without me. Mum shouted at me today, said I'm not trying hard enough. I told her to 'fuck off.' I saw tears. I guess I was a bit harsh...
I just spoke to Harry on the phone, he said he's worried about me. I don't eat a lot any more, I don't want to binge and purge again, but I'm still throwing up. He thinks I should tell the therapist more, and let him read this journal. I think he's worrying too much.
--- --- --- ---
Day 12
Weight (pounds): 150
Water (glasses): 4
Food: binged.
Episodes (vomiting): 5
Mood: disapointed
Reading back on my posts I sound so...mad. My medication has been making me paranoid and on edge. I'm so glad nobody else can read this.
I've been thinking for a while now about the next time Harry stays at mine. I mean he stays a lot and I've always thought the same thing but I've been too scared that it would be far too soon. I want us to move forward. I know he's my first boyfriend, but I'm not his first. He's already been with a guy, I've only been with girls. All we've done is kiss.
I love him and it feels right. I just need courage to make a move.
--- --- --- ---
Day 30
Weight (pounds): 154
Water (glasses): 6
Food: toast, chicken and salad, crisps, an apple, pizza.
Episodes (vomiting): 0
Mood: energetic
I'm not cured, I'm still ill. I still throw up, I still binge. You can't cure three years of an illness in 30 days. The swelling in my face from the bulimia has gone down already. I only throw up every couple of days not a couple of times a day. My hair looks a bit nicer and I look less grey. Not throwing up all my food means I have more energy.
My therapist told me I'm making impressive progress, he said that within the next few months my health would make a great improvement. I'll never be fully recovered, once you get bulimia there is always the chance that you can relapse. I just have to take every day one at a time.
Harry came over last night, we ended up messing around a bit. We didn't go all the way, Harry said he didn't want to rush me, and he didn't want me to feel like we had to. He's still here, sleeping next to me. I'm so lucky to have him, he's the most amazing person ever, and he's absolutely beautiful. I love him to death, I know it's weird because we've only been together a short while...but I could see myself spending my life with him. I want to spend my life with him. He has done so much for me since I met him in February. He saved me.
Weight (pounds): 152
Water (glasses): 3
Food: a piece of toast, beans, some fried rice with chicken curry.
Episodes (vomiting): x2
Mood: Guilty
I went to therapy today and was given this silly journal to write in. Apparently I've to use it to remember certain feelings I get through the day, write what I eat, record dreams etc. I don't know how its supposed to help but I'm going to give it a try. I've also been told drinking slowly and eating through out the day instead of as one meal should help too.
I feel pretty bad right now, I spent the last few days being pretty mean to Harry. He was just trying to help me and I told him to leave. I think I've really upset him because he hasn't come round yet and it's 5pm. I hope I haven't screwed everything up. Its not fair for me to take all this out on him, he has been more than helpful, he's been amazing.
I had a weird dream last night that I had Amnesia. I told the shrink and he said it meant I was afraid of change. I guess I am, its a scary thing to have to deal with, especially after three years of the same habit.
I think I should open up to Harry about everything, so that he knows I'm really sorry about yesterday and that I want his help. If Harry knew then maybe he could help stop me? Maybe everything could get easier.
--- --- --- ---
Day 5
Weight (pounds): 152
Water (glasses): 2
Food: Weatabix with sugar
Episodes (vomiting): x0
Mood: tired
It hurts. They don't want me to puke but if I don't it hurts. Even when I do it still hurts. I'll stop eating, then it will stop.
--- --- --- ---
Day 7
Weight (pounds): 152
Water (glasses): 5
Food: a rice cake, some chips, ice cream
Episodes (vomiting): x2
Mood: contented
Harry and mum took me to the beach. Today seeing as its so warm. When we got there all our friends were waiting for us. Niall wouldn't stop hugging me. I've missed him.
My therapist said I look healthier even after just a week. He must be lying because nothing has changed. This is impossible, I will never get better. Everything hurts, I hardly see my friends. I'm not sure why I'm still trying.
--- --- --- ---
Day 10
Weight (pounds): 150
Water (glasses): 3
Food: cereal, toast, Doritos, fish fingers.
Episodes (vomiting): x3
Mood: worried
Harry resents me, I can tell. The way he looks at me. He wants me to be healthy so we can have a good, normal summer. He hates that I'm dragging him down. He would be so much better off without me. Mum shouted at me today, said I'm not trying hard enough. I told her to 'fuck off.' I saw tears. I guess I was a bit harsh...
I just spoke to Harry on the phone, he said he's worried about me. I don't eat a lot any more, I don't want to binge and purge again, but I'm still throwing up. He thinks I should tell the therapist more, and let him read this journal. I think he's worrying too much.
--- --- --- ---
Day 12
Weight (pounds): 150
Water (glasses): 4
Food: binged.
Episodes (vomiting): 5
Mood: disapointed
Reading back on my posts I sound so...mad. My medication has been making me paranoid and on edge. I'm so glad nobody else can read this.
I've been thinking for a while now about the next time Harry stays at mine. I mean he stays a lot and I've always thought the same thing but I've been too scared that it would be far too soon. I want us to move forward. I know he's my first boyfriend, but I'm not his first. He's already been with a guy, I've only been with girls. All we've done is kiss.
I love him and it feels right. I just need courage to make a move.
--- --- --- ---
Day 30
Weight (pounds): 154
Water (glasses): 6
Food: toast, chicken and salad, crisps, an apple, pizza.
Episodes (vomiting): 0
Mood: energetic
I'm not cured, I'm still ill. I still throw up, I still binge. You can't cure three years of an illness in 30 days. The swelling in my face from the bulimia has gone down already. I only throw up every couple of days not a couple of times a day. My hair looks a bit nicer and I look less grey. Not throwing up all my food means I have more energy.
My therapist told me I'm making impressive progress, he said that within the next few months my health would make a great improvement. I'll never be fully recovered, once you get bulimia there is always the chance that you can relapse. I just have to take every day one at a time.
Harry came over last night, we ended up messing around a bit. We didn't go all the way, Harry said he didn't want to rush me, and he didn't want me to feel like we had to. He's still here, sleeping next to me. I'm so lucky to have him, he's the most amazing person ever, and he's absolutely beautiful. I love him to death, I know it's weird because we've only been together a short while...but I could see myself spending my life with him. I want to spend my life with him. He has done so much for me since I met him in February. He saved me.
♠ ♠ ♠
This is a one off chapter.Hope you like
<3
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