Status: On hiatus.
Stay
three.
“I’m sure Delly won’t do it again, Mrs. Lockhearst. She learned her lesson,” Riley said while giving me a look. He chuckled.
I shot him back the “death glare” that he knew so much, mostly because I always gave him that glare. And finished off with the "rolling of my eyes". They finished talking and my mom called me inside the house. I watched as Riley put his phone to his ear and walked back to his house, just a few houses across ours. I went inside and prepared myself for the worst. I knew what was coming. As I was closing the door, my mom started yelling. This was it.
I started with a sigh and said, “I’m sorry, mom. I didn’t mean to stay out that long.”
“You didn’t mean to? It was an accident that you forgot it wasn’t your house? That there was a clock for you to check the time? That you had your phone clinging to you all day to text and call me if ever your plans were extended?”
“I-I-guess I was- carried away.”
“I am very disappointed in you,” she said. And that was it. She went upstairs to her room. Meanwhile, I caught a lump in my throat, unable to speak.
I walked down the hall and into my room. Without delay, I jumped into my bed and lay there for a while. The smell in my room wasn’t different, it stayed that way. I used to be immune to this smell, but being away from the house for more than 12 hours, I wanted to almost drown in this wonderful scent. I could go on smelling this forever. The walls also remained light pink since I was little. It was my favorite color until I was 12. But now, I was 17, I sure knew a variety of colors at this point. But changing my wall color would mean transitioning into adulthood. That never crossed my mind. I would rather enjoy my last few days of being a child, being owned by a mother. Or maybe even a father. I wonder what it feels like to have a dad. To have someone pick you up from school when it’s raining, to have someone beside you when you come up on stage during graduation to claim your diploma, to go home and hear a ‘what’s up kiddo’, or maybe even to embrace you in your coldest days. I want someone to be there and say “I don’t want any guy to hurt you." or "I should be the only man in your life.” and to say in return “Thank you, dad. You’re the greatest daddy in the whole wide world.”
But after I knew that my dad left us when my mom was pregnant, I don’t think I will be able to say that to someone. Especially now that my mom’s my number one priority. I’m so thankful for her. And honestly, even if there was someone important missing in my life, I couldn’t ask for more. I look up to her so much, for giving birth to me, for sacrificing a lot of things for me, for being there and for staying strong. She had always given me the freedom to do numerous things on my own because she believes that the choices and decisions I make determine who I am as a person. I couldn’t afford to make my mom unhappy.
But here I am now; I chose to do the wrong decision. She was right, it was a choice, and it wasn’t an accident. Viewing it from her perspective, I could now feel her pain. As her one and only daughter, I shouldn’t be disappointing her. But I couldn’t think of ways to not be such a disappointment. She was the only person I belonged to.
Realizing that I have stared too much at the ceiling, I rolled over to my right side and I noticed the two picture frames on my bedside table. The smaller one was a picture of my mom and dad when they were about my age. I bet this picture was taken on their Senior Prom because they were wearing formal attires and aside from that, a smile. A smile that I would rarely see these past few days. Next to that was a bigger frame. It was a picture of the 4 guys I had just hung out with a while ago. They were about 11-13 years old. I remember Riley gave me this picture before he went to a summer camp because he had nothing else to give me. He had no solo pictures (not counting his baby ones) or maybe he was just too embarrassed to show me. This also made me remember that I had a crush on Thomas since I was 12. I would always peek out my window to see Riley and Thomas playing in the streets, sometimes together with Connor and Braiden. I never went out to play with Riley when the 3 other guys were there, even if he was my best friend.
That was the only memory I have of Thomas, really. Until today.
Ugh, just thinking about today makes me want to relive the past. I wanted to start things over. I wanted to be born out of my mom again. I wanted to go out and play with Riley and Thomas when I was 12. I wanted to not drink in the party Thomas threw. I wanted to be able to talk nicely and properly with Thomas. I wanted to be able to stay for his drum solo. If only life granted me a time machine.
I fell asleep until my mom knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted to go to the mall.
“What for?” I asked.
“If you just wanted to cool off and shop a little.”
“I’m fine, mom. You can go if you want to.” I know she really wanted to. She’s been waiting for me all day to come home so she could leave the house and live her life a little.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Alright. There’s pizza in the kitchen, I ordered a box when you were asleep. Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“Okay.”
And with that, she closed the door. I silently waited for the sound of the car to drive away. As soon as she was gone, I headed to the kitchen and grabbed two slices of pizza. I put them in the microwave and left it there for a minute. I headed to the basement and spent the rest of the night watching a marathon of America's Next Top Model.
I shot him back the “death glare” that he knew so much, mostly because I always gave him that glare. And finished off with the "rolling of my eyes". They finished talking and my mom called me inside the house. I watched as Riley put his phone to his ear and walked back to his house, just a few houses across ours. I went inside and prepared myself for the worst. I knew what was coming. As I was closing the door, my mom started yelling. This was it.
I started with a sigh and said, “I’m sorry, mom. I didn’t mean to stay out that long.”
“You didn’t mean to? It was an accident that you forgot it wasn’t your house? That there was a clock for you to check the time? That you had your phone clinging to you all day to text and call me if ever your plans were extended?”
“I-I-guess I was- carried away.”
“I am very disappointed in you,” she said. And that was it. She went upstairs to her room. Meanwhile, I caught a lump in my throat, unable to speak.
I walked down the hall and into my room. Without delay, I jumped into my bed and lay there for a while. The smell in my room wasn’t different, it stayed that way. I used to be immune to this smell, but being away from the house for more than 12 hours, I wanted to almost drown in this wonderful scent. I could go on smelling this forever. The walls also remained light pink since I was little. It was my favorite color until I was 12. But now, I was 17, I sure knew a variety of colors at this point. But changing my wall color would mean transitioning into adulthood. That never crossed my mind. I would rather enjoy my last few days of being a child, being owned by a mother. Or maybe even a father. I wonder what it feels like to have a dad. To have someone pick you up from school when it’s raining, to have someone beside you when you come up on stage during graduation to claim your diploma, to go home and hear a ‘what’s up kiddo’, or maybe even to embrace you in your coldest days. I want someone to be there and say “I don’t want any guy to hurt you." or "I should be the only man in your life.” and to say in return “Thank you, dad. You’re the greatest daddy in the whole wide world.”
But after I knew that my dad left us when my mom was pregnant, I don’t think I will be able to say that to someone. Especially now that my mom’s my number one priority. I’m so thankful for her. And honestly, even if there was someone important missing in my life, I couldn’t ask for more. I look up to her so much, for giving birth to me, for sacrificing a lot of things for me, for being there and for staying strong. She had always given me the freedom to do numerous things on my own because she believes that the choices and decisions I make determine who I am as a person. I couldn’t afford to make my mom unhappy.
But here I am now; I chose to do the wrong decision. She was right, it was a choice, and it wasn’t an accident. Viewing it from her perspective, I could now feel her pain. As her one and only daughter, I shouldn’t be disappointing her. But I couldn’t think of ways to not be such a disappointment. She was the only person I belonged to.
Realizing that I have stared too much at the ceiling, I rolled over to my right side and I noticed the two picture frames on my bedside table. The smaller one was a picture of my mom and dad when they were about my age. I bet this picture was taken on their Senior Prom because they were wearing formal attires and aside from that, a smile. A smile that I would rarely see these past few days. Next to that was a bigger frame. It was a picture of the 4 guys I had just hung out with a while ago. They were about 11-13 years old. I remember Riley gave me this picture before he went to a summer camp because he had nothing else to give me. He had no solo pictures (not counting his baby ones) or maybe he was just too embarrassed to show me. This also made me remember that I had a crush on Thomas since I was 12. I would always peek out my window to see Riley and Thomas playing in the streets, sometimes together with Connor and Braiden. I never went out to play with Riley when the 3 other guys were there, even if he was my best friend.
That was the only memory I have of Thomas, really. Until today.
Ugh, just thinking about today makes me want to relive the past. I wanted to start things over. I wanted to be born out of my mom again. I wanted to go out and play with Riley and Thomas when I was 12. I wanted to not drink in the party Thomas threw. I wanted to be able to talk nicely and properly with Thomas. I wanted to be able to stay for his drum solo. If only life granted me a time machine.
I fell asleep until my mom knocked on my door and asked me if I wanted to go to the mall.
“What for?” I asked.
“If you just wanted to cool off and shop a little.”
“I’m fine, mom. You can go if you want to.” I know she really wanted to. She’s been waiting for me all day to come home so she could leave the house and live her life a little.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Alright. There’s pizza in the kitchen, I ordered a box when you were asleep. Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“Okay.”
And with that, she closed the door. I silently waited for the sound of the car to drive away. As soon as she was gone, I headed to the kitchen and grabbed two slices of pizza. I put them in the microwave and left it there for a minute. I headed to the basement and spent the rest of the night watching a marathon of America's Next Top Model.
♠ ♠ ♠
comments are appreciated. and would most likely keep me going. :)