The Girl Who Changed Everything

I sat there, watching him live life. I watched for years. The main reason I even started a band, was so one day I might spend more time with him. He was gone, is gone, for months, years, at a time. I couldn’t take it.

After the ‘Danny thing’, as some called it, he has been distant. If only Alex saw what he was doing. Why didn’t he see that a little girl needed her big brother? Why couldn’t he understand, that all I want is for him to be proud?

I remember a fight we had a few years ago. He had told me I didn’t care about most things, I was just costing through life. Sure, he was drunk, but isn’t that when a person is most honest?

Ever since then, I’ve done all that I could to make those statements false. Alex didn’t know how him leaving for so long impacted me. Do you know of those girls with ‘Daddy issues’? Well I was a girl with Brother issues. Every boyfriend, girlfriend, make out buddy, was like him. They had his hair, they sung, his sense of humor, or even just an ATL shirt. Anything to make me feel like Alex cared. No, I did not pretend those people were him. That’s gross. But, if I surrounded myself with enough people like him, it was like he was there.

But he didn’t know. Alex wouldn’t want to know. I’m so ashamed of it all. I’m lucky he even wants me as a little sister still. ‘Lucky’…more like grateful. I don’t know what I’d do without him…

Not only is Alex my brother, but he’s my idol. He’s the one I look to for support; he’s the one who saved me. He took time off for almost a year, and took care of me. And it isn’t fair I put all this on him, which is why I’ve never told him.

After the ‘Danny thing’, Alex is not only distant to me, but is snappy, or downright rude to Danny (who hasn’t touched a drop in the month). I don’t know what he thinks of it all. I fear I’m losing him.

So, I’m going to his bus. I’ve got a deep blue acoustic guitar in my right hand, and my left had a death grip on a guitar pick. I never used picks, but this was Alex’s. It was the one he used on the night of ATL’s first big performance. He gave it to me that night, and said that it was a magic guitar pick; it gave you all the courage you’d ever need. I hope he was right.
I brought my pale left hand up and knocked on the door three times. Matt opened it with a curios look, and upon seeing me, grinned.

“Izzy!” matt all but yelled, he yanked me into a hug, and into the bus. No going back now. “What’re you doin’ here?” he asked with a happy smile. I smiled back at the energetic band manager.

“I, um, actually have a, uh, song. That I wrote,” I told him awkwardly. He let out a small laugh at my socially awkwardness.

“cool. The guys are all in the couch kitchen-ish area eating, including BVB,” he informed me, walking further into the large bus.

“Aren’t they always?” I asked, feigning curiosity. A slight chuckle bubbled out of his mouth.

“Thought the same thing!” Matt exclaimed, glancing back at me. “guys!” Matt called, gaining everyone’s attention. “shes got a song,” he spoke to the now quiet room. All attention was on me, and I felt a jolt a fear stab through my stomach. I smiled nervously at the interested people. “sit,” matt told me quietly, leading me to the seat directly across from Alex, who couldn’t look at me. I just wanted to cry. But I took a deep breath and sat down cautiously.

“so before you start, why did you come to us? Not that we don’t like hearing your songs, I’m just curious,” asked Rian, making sure I took no offense, like the sweet boy he is.

“I-I wrote it about Alex,” I said, fear evident in my shaking words. As his name left my lips, Alex’s head snapped up, now looking at me head on. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

“oh…well…go ahead?” Jack said, or asked. I took a deep, shaky breath, and glanced up at Alex, then resumed burning holes into my guitar.

“You tucked me in, turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that
And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me
“Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream” you’d say to me
“Flap your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true” ” I had a small instrumental.

“But I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
when everything seems to be going wrong
I watched in wonder as you toured the world
Made life the best you could
But I held you back and I didn’t tell you what needed to be said
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do I give my heart and soul
And I cant find it in me to tell you this all” another small instrumental. And my words and tempo sped up, getting almost desperate.

“A mutual agreement, a language we both speak
Im just so sorry I had to take
What I did
Im just so sorry I had to say
Im just so sorry
Can you ever forgive me?
How could, how would, whE------n
Would I fool you into it?” my tempo morphed back to it’s slow self and I played another small instrumental.
“So thanks for it all
Ill be fine in the fall
When you leave
Just don’t
Go forever----------
No…not forever-----------
A little sister needs that
It may be a lot to a-----sk
But just do---n’t
Sa---y goodbye
Just yet----“ I finished and glanced at Alex. Although the song wasn’t sad, he had tears streaking his face. And if the song wasn’t sad…was he that ashamed of me? “I-I…Alex…Im sorry,” I tried to explain, and ended up rushing out an apology before standing. The guitar pick hit the floor, and it went unnoticed by me as I started to leave.

“wait!” I heard him choke out. I slowly turned to see Alex standing there, holding the pick in his hand. “you kept it?” he asked, looking at me.

“all the courage I’d ever need…” I whispered. He rushed towards me and I was engulfed in a hug. Alex looked down at me from his 6’ high gaze.

“honey, your song,” he started as new tears fell from his sad honey eyes, “I- don’t- please-“ Alex couldn’t seem to find the words. I stared with tear covered eyes. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.

I looked down, shaking my head. “Don’t be.” I whispered. I proceeded to run out of the bus, and collapse against the brick wall of the venue. I started to sob, uncontrollably.
I heard slapping against the pavement. I could care less, but at the moment I was on the verge
of a panic attack, and those aren’t fun.

A body slipped down the wall next to me. Arms clad in black leather wrapped themselves around me. I turned and buried my face into the stranger’s bare chest. I could feel something on their skin, like paint. “shhhhh my little rebel,” was hushed into my ear.

“he-he” I started to say, but broke into more hysterics. The stranger, who I had a strong suspicion was in BVB, pressed their lips to my head. As they rocked me back and forth, another leather clad person sat on my other side. I had two people holding me, and trying to calm me down..

“he loves you,” the soft, deep, soothing voice of Andy Six traveled to my ears.

“highly doubt that,” I mumbled into his chest.

“don’t, you put him to shame,” Jinxx’s voice spoke from on top of my head.

“ever,” said a third persons. I turned my head, and saw the tear stained face of Alex.

I crawled from my place in the guy’s arms, and into his lap. “never?” I asked feebly.

“even when I’m gone.”