Our Goodbye's

New York never ceased to amaze me. It was the city of lights and the city that never sleeps. The continuous noise of cars and people was the exact opposite of my quiet hometown in Michigan, but I found it calming. New York City was one of the only places besides home where I actually slept well anymore.

I was thoroughly convinced 3 in the morning was the most peaceful time in the city. Even in time square. My huge master suite was on the top floor of whatever 5-star hotel my manager booked me at and the view was amazing. On one side of the room was a window over looking Manhattan, whereas the other side had a huge window looking over Times Square.

It was times like 3 in the morning that were the worst for me. No matter how hard I worked or partied that day, I always found myself awake and pulled towards the window in the middle of the night. My eyes stayed glued to the taxis on the streets and the dimmed stores lights telling the random people walking they were closed. Bailey was sleeping in her bed, oblivious to my actions during the late night hours. Too many times to count she has caught me awake and staring out the window like I was waiting for someone and there are too many times to count that she has told me to get professional help. I refuse every time.

No one with any type of degree is going to make me sit down and talk about it. I may deny knowing the answer, but really there is just no way I could let my pride go and tell anyone. Even if I told someone, they wouldn’t be able to do anything. It’s out of my hands and too late to do anything. Even though I have accepted that fact, I still find myself up in the middle of the night regretting every decision I have made in the last year and a half.

“Ash? What are you doing up again? Christ, its 3:30. We leave in four hours to get to Ottawa. You can’t be dead all day. Get to bed.” Bailey said from behind me in a half asleep state. I knew she was confused about my weird habits, but she opted to just yell at me about the next days plans instead of getting into her predictions on its causes.

“I’ll go in a few minutes.” I said, but kept my eyes on the street. I heard her sigh and take a few steps towards me.

“You need to let him go.” She whispered, and with that statement my pride was buried six feet under with no chance of ever coming back. With that she walked away. I waited until I heard the covers being pulled back over her body and the soft hum of silence filled my ears. Once again I was alone with my thoughts.

~~~~~~~~~~

Ottawa was cold when we arrived. My coat couldn’t keep the chill of the wind away and I knew Kris was thinking the same thing. It took almost all we had not to huddle next to each other while waiting for a taxi at the airport. Geno, being used to the cold weather, laughed at us and left his coat unzipped.

“You excited for first All-Star Game?” He asked me with a grin. I grinned back and nodded.

“This is amazing right now.” I replied. Before anyone could say anything else, a taxi pulled up and we all piled inside. Ottawa was a beautiful city. It wasn’t my favorite, but nice none the less. Twenty minutes later we were pulling up the hotel and getting our rooms. Geno’s girlfriend Oksana was meeting him there, so Kris and I shared a room. Other guys from the league were mingling and laughing in the lobby.

Once we received our keys and headed to our room, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding in. Kris set him bag on his bed before turning towards me. His gaze bored holes into my back as I tried to ignore him and act as normal as possible.

“Something is bothering you. I know you aren’t going to tell me what it is, but I hope you that somehow everyone is going to find out sometime.” He said. I ignored him and continued to empty my bag. It was none of his business and he was right about everyone finding out, but until the truth came out, I wanted to stay as far away from it as I could.

“Well, then only time will tell.” I muttered and slipped out of the room. No one questioned me as I walked straight out of the hotel and into the semi-busy streets. Early morning was my time to think. When I went to bed at night, I fell right asleep and had no troubles stay there. But when I woke up, let’s just say I hated waking up.

That is the time when she comes into my head. Some days I replay that final moment. I replay the moment that I watched her walk straight out of my life. I haven’t seen her since that day. Well I have, but it was only on TV and the internet. Other days I fantasize what could have happened. Would she live in Pittsburgh with me, or Los Angeles? Would she like Pittsburgh? Would she get along with my teammates and their significant others?

Everyday is different, but hurts all the same. When I want to forget her, every laugh I hear is hers. Every tall honey-chestnut haired girl I see is her. Every song I hear sung is by here. Every time I put my head on a pillow, I smell her. She is everywhere and I can’t get her out of my head, even after almost a year.

My feet dragged me around the city and I eventually lost track of where I was or how far I was going. By the time I even thought to check my phone, it was 5 and Kris was calling me to get dinner.

“Jesus Nealer, how far did you run off too?” Kris asked when I walked into the hotel room an hour later. I deflected his question by shrugging and focused on pulling a hoodie on. HE just sighed and let it go, knowing he wasn’t going to get anywhere.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Hotel restaurant. Geno and Oksana are already down there. Stamkos is meeting us too.” Kris replied as we headed out the door. I was probably underdressed, but at the moment I didn’t really care. “I know it is none of my business and you are probably about to smack me, but are you sure you don’t want to tell me what is going on?” Kris asked in the silence of the elevator. I sighed and ran a hand through my too long hair.

“My ex-girlfriend is going to be here this weekend.” I said. Kris seemed to think about it for a moment before opening his big French mouth to dig himself a bigger hole.

“Is she like a fan of Berkeley or something? Nisky wouldn’t let that girl go in the locker room.” He asked. Again I shrugged.

“Kind of.” I replied as we walked into the restaurant. Different guys from around the league were busy eating and some waved as we walked past. Finally, in the back of the restaurant we spotted Geno and his girlfriend talking in Russian next to a very confused Steven.

“Hey we don’t all speak that crazy language.” Kris said when we sat down and Geno grinned at him. Soon we all fell into a comfortable conversation. I made comments when needed, but other than that I was silent. My mind was somewhere else, or on someone else.

We were eating dinner when it happened. Everyone seemed to stop and stare as the front doors opened and three people stepped inside. She was walking in the middle, her two best friends on either side. Her chestnut hair was swept to the side in a fishtail braid. Even though she was wearing a zip up Famous hoodie over a tank top and a pair of beaten up converse, she was stunning. Every guy did a once over and she confidently strode through the packed room. A star struck server led them to a table in the back, two over from mine to be exact.

Steven seemed to forget about me as she neared. At first she didn’t look at our table, but her eyes quickly spotted us, or him to be exact. I was wedged between Kris and the wall so it was easy to overlook me. Steven stood up as her face lit up and she scampered over and into his arms. His death grip hug made her laugh. I finally heard the laugh I came so close to forgetting.

All at once he let go of her and took a step back. He remembered that I was five feet away. Awkwardly, he stood there and rubbed his neck.

“Hey there Ashton.” He said nervously and tried not to look my way. At first she looked confused, but then she scanned the table and her eyes met with mine.

“Hi James.” She squeaked out before waved lightly and practically sprinted back to her table and buried herself into her menu. Steven muttered an apology, clearly embarrassed and Kris turned to look at me.

“Your ex-girlfriend is Berkeley?” He asked in disbelief.

“Ex-girlfriend?” Steven asked with a laugh. “I think you mean ex-fiancé.” He stated before realizing his mistake and quickly putting his head down and focused on his dinner.