Status: slow, but active.
If I died, I wonder who would cry.
It’s sad to say I decided I was going to kill myself while I was in the car with my Dad, driving to see my counselor.
I had many thoughts of suicide before. But they had never been so strong. I was making plans, and yes it scared me. But I knew that this time I wasn’t backing out. I kept telling everyone I wanted to die, and such, but nobody believed me cause I had said, and never done.
The first thought that came to mind was pills. I had seen people on TV and the news and such taking many different pills, to fade into Deaths grasp. And God knows, I have enough pills to tranquilize a horse. I could easily have a hand full of cipralex, ibuprofen, amoxicillin, my Dads pain pills, Codeine, Tylenol and Advil Cold and Sinus. That would knock me on my ass. Literally. I was also thinking about other options. I could slit my throat, or gash my wrists beyond repair. The problem with that is somebody would likely find me before I have the chance to bleed out. Which wouldn’t work, because then whoever finds me would call an ambulance, and they would save me, and blah. So, I crossed that off. I was also debating about hanging myself. My friend Kelli wrote a story about a girl who commits suicide that way, and it was sort of interesting. I’m just scared at that last minute; I’ll panic and not go through with it. Or worse. Going through with it, and it not working. I’m not worried about the pain of those last few seconds, when the last breathe of air escapes from your lungs. Plus, it would be kind of oblivious. “Mom, Dad, can you buy me a noose? Thanks!” What about shooting myself, hm? That might work. Dur. Where the fuck would a 15 year old get a gun? The final idea was drowning myself. I wouldn’t be able to do it, Jesus. It would take too long, letting myself be dragged down into the muddy waters. I couldn’t I just could.
I think I’ll just stick with my pills, thank you very much.
I had many thoughts of suicide before. But they had never been so strong. I was making plans, and yes it scared me. But I knew that this time I wasn’t backing out. I kept telling everyone I wanted to die, and such, but nobody believed me cause I had said, and never done.
The first thought that came to mind was pills. I had seen people on TV and the news and such taking many different pills, to fade into Deaths grasp. And God knows, I have enough pills to tranquilize a horse. I could easily have a hand full of cipralex, ibuprofen, amoxicillin, my Dads pain pills, Codeine, Tylenol and Advil Cold and Sinus. That would knock me on my ass. Literally. I was also thinking about other options. I could slit my throat, or gash my wrists beyond repair. The problem with that is somebody would likely find me before I have the chance to bleed out. Which wouldn’t work, because then whoever finds me would call an ambulance, and they would save me, and blah. So, I crossed that off. I was also debating about hanging myself. My friend Kelli wrote a story about a girl who commits suicide that way, and it was sort of interesting. I’m just scared at that last minute; I’ll panic and not go through with it. Or worse. Going through with it, and it not working. I’m not worried about the pain of those last few seconds, when the last breathe of air escapes from your lungs. Plus, it would be kind of oblivious. “Mom, Dad, can you buy me a noose? Thanks!” What about shooting myself, hm? That might work. Dur. Where the fuck would a 15 year old get a gun? The final idea was drowning myself. I wouldn’t be able to do it, Jesus. It would take too long, letting myself be dragged down into the muddy waters. I couldn’t I just could.
I think I’ll just stick with my pills, thank you very much.