A Simple Question

“If you were gay, would you find me attractive?”

It was a simple enough question. I had been thinking about it a while since a conversation I had with my sister. I said I didn’t mind gay guys, just as long as they didn’t try to get with me. She asked me, “What makes you so sure they’d find you attractive?” And that got me wondering. It had been on my mind for a week before I decided to act on it.

I just wanted to ask someone and the perfect someone was my best friend since pre-school, Aaron. I wasn’t expecting anything serious. I definitely wasn’t expecting a kiss.

I remember his lips being warm and tasting like root beer. I remember part of me actually thinking about liking it. I refuse to remember myself leaning in a little.

I had pulled back, shock evident on my face. He looked surprised to, like it hadn’t been his idea to kiss me.

“I-I’m sorry, I thought you-”

“Thought I what? Wanted a kiss? What the fuck is your problem?” I wanted to shout. We were in my room, and no one else was home. I'd wondered if he'd try anything.

“No! No,” he sighed. “Listen, I’m sorry. I-I’ll just go.” He took his stuff and left abruptly. The next day we acted as if nothing happened.

And now we’re sitting at a table with our friends, my arm wrapped around my girl, his around his girl. We have never spoken of it. It’s like the whole thing never happened.

But sometimes, I can feel his eyes linger on me a half second too long. And sometimes, I look at him a half second too long. I think about how much I like the taste of root beer. How cold my girlfriend’s lips feel.

Mostly, though, I think about how he didn’t answer my question.