Breach

Why does life creep up on you so fast? One second I’m worrying about the best way to score a girl, the next I’m staring down at a questionnaire for seniors’ future plans for our yearbook. As I sit here, glaring at it, I realize that I really have no idea what I want to put down. I guess…I never thought about it.

Should I go to college? Workforce? Even if I go to college, what should I go for? I could always put down undecided as my major but…eventually I would have to pick something. To be honest I’m not sure what I’m good at or at least can do well enough and enjoy enough to do for the next forty-five years or whatever.

“What crawled up your ass?” Mick asks beside me. He grins at the scowl I send his way. Why does he enjoy my pain?

“What are you putting down?” I ask and attempt to see his paper. He throws his hand over his answers, which makes me groan.

Shrugging, the boy answers, “College.”

“Seriously? You…going to college?” I couldn’t control my laughter. The guidance counselor sent me an annoyed glare that if I weren’t laughing so hard might have scared me. Sorry but the idea of Mick continuing school is hilarious! He already complains so much about high school I can’t imagine what he’s going to say about college!

It’s Mick’s turn to frown. “What’s so funny? I’m not an idiot y’know.”

“Denial.”

Mick rolls his eyes. So asking him didn’t help me at all. Sighing, I put down a few colleges that I know are near by and claim to be going as ‘undecided,’ but as I turn it into the counselor I can’t help but feel nervous about my lack of future plans. Should I…ask Antony about it? No, no way. He’s going to think I’m even more than a brat than he already does. I should be able to at least decide this much on my own…right?

But how do people do it? My heart is racing just thinking about it. I’ve had a few part time jobs to make a couple bucks through my life but…they were just fast food places or small stores. A job isn’t a career. A career is something that…that is going to get me a house and a car and it’s something I will do, or hopefully do, for the rest of my life.

I try to think of anything that I wouldn’t mind doing…video games would be nice, but I can’t draw or come up with a story line for one. I’m not really good at math or science so anything that involves either of those is a no-no. Shit…shit.

Somehow I make it through the day without tearing my hair out, though it was very tempting. I drag myself back to the apartment. The moment I get there I fall back onto the couch with possibly the longest and most depressing sigh I have ever made. What am I going to do? Graduation is so close and I am clueless.

What if I don’t go to college? Is Antony going to want to keep around a kid whose not good at anything? What kind of job can I get without a degree? I’ll probably end up working at McDonalds the rest of my life. Antony definitely doesn’t want a useless boyfriend…

I bite my lip hard enough that I begin to taste blood. Life, why do you suck so bad? Can’t you give me a sign? Like a literal sign, just sit one right in front of me that says do this! That would be greatly appreciated because honestly…what-

“Bishop!”

I jump at the sudden shout of my name. With wide eyes I look beside me to see Antony waving his hand in front of me frantically. He’s frowning and his eyes are full with worry. I hardly have time to say anything before he asks, “Are you ok? I was talking to you but you didn’t move an inch. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I lie. My grin must have been faker than I thought because it doesn’t relieve Antony at all.

“Something was up with you last night too,” Antony says as he gives me that ‘don’t you bullshit me look.’ Man we’ve been around each other too much if I can read what he’s thinking just from seeing his face. I need to hang out with Mick more!

I shake my head and desperately try to convince him that I’m fine. I don’t want to be seen as a clueless kid. I want us to be on equal grounds. I want him to look at me and not see a brat, but a man, his boyfriend. Since he’s 10 years older than me it’s expected that he’s got a better handle on his life, but I don’t want to depend on him like a child. I want to be able to make my own decisions and prove to him that I’m a responsible adult. That’s a normal feeling, right? To want to be seen as an equal by someone that you care about….every one wants that.

“Bishop, whatever it is you can tell me,” says Antony as he pulls me into his chest. I tense at the feeling of his arms wrapping around me. Though we’re dating we don’t really…touch a lot. I guess we’re both still a little nervous about it so it makes moments like this, when he holds me, all the more special. “Being together…it means we have to tell each other what’s on our minds. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

What Antony says doesn’t have me feeling much better because it only proves how much more of a child I am compared to him. He’s smart, successful and caring, while I’m clueless and a total…brat…yeah he explains me well.

“I’m not a kid,” I grumble into his shoulder. My arms slowly wrap themselves around him. I hold him tight enough that if he tried to pull me away he couldn’t. My cheeks are so hot I know I’m blushing. I’m so embarrassed. “I can make my own decisions.”

“I know,” he chuckles. I bite my lip when I feel his lips pressed against my temple. His hands rub comforting circles in my back. We sit like this for a few minutes before I finally get enough courage to speak.

“Graduation is coming up,” is all I say before Antony finally manages to pull my face away from his shoulder. Quickly, I look down into my lap in hopes to keep Antony’s eyes from seeing the blush spreading from my cheeks to my ears. I feel his eyes on me and it only makes the heat under my cheeks worse. “I can…make my own decisions.”

I know I repeated myself but it sort of slipped out on its own. Antony’s hands are now on my shoulders, holding me down to keep me from running away. I know if he lets go I’ll bolt. My heart is racing. I feel like such a kid.

“Bishop,” Antony calls but I still refuse to look at him. “Look at me.”