Breach

The only sound in the room is the annoying ticking of the clock. I wonder if when making the clock the inventors purposely made the sound chilling. Were they aware that this sound would be the only thing ringing within a quiet room, informing the people within that the time they are dreading is approaching? If so, I wish them an eternity in hell for that.

Since last night I’ve been asking myself if today I should really go over to Antony’s. My head is full of questions, the most important of them being was he serious?

Or did he simply say that because he thought it’d make me listen? What reason would he have to say that to me though if he didn’t mean it? If he wanted to be with Jean he would have let me continue on like this, ignoring him and being angry with him. If he wanted to be with Jean then he would be, right?

So why am I so scared to go over there? Why do I think he’s messing with me? Do I think so little of myself that I can’t believe someone like Antony would love me?

My heart hasn’t stopped racing since last night. I didn’t get any sleep. I ended up lying on Mick’s couch until it was time to get ready for school. Mick’s mom was concerned when she already saw me up so early. She tried to ask me what was wrong but I couldn’t tell her the truth. I doubt she’d be ok with the fact that I’m dating a man a decade older than myself.

I’m lucky Mick’s ok with it but that doesn’t mean others will be.

Maybe that’s what I’m worried about? By hearing Antony say he loves me that means he’s accepting the fact that he’s in a relationship with another man. Sure it’s more accepted now than before but people are still assholes. If someone at his company discovered that he was dating me…he’d probably be fired. But wasn’t that something that could have always happened?

Why is it that I don’t want to go over? I can’t find the answer but I need to and fast. Looking at the clock I see that it’s past the time Antony would arrive home. He’s probably there now, waiting to see if I ever show up and I’m wondering too if I’ll show up.

What should I say? Should I say anything? What does he want to say? Does he want to say anything? I need to go over. It’s not like I want to break up or anything…it’s the opposite actually. I don’t ever want to break up. I don’t ever want to leave. I don’t want something like this to happen ever again. It’s insane how crappy I feel right now.

But I don’t have my feelings sorted out yet. I don’t know what to say. Should I apologize? I overreacted about Jean. I should have listened to him. He was shocked, of course he would be. His ex appears after months of not seeing one another and she’s interested in rekindling their relationship! Anyone would be shocked but…but it still bothers me even if I understand it.

People say the mind can understand but the heart cannot. I guess that sayings true.

I don’t want to go over there without anything to say. I’m not sure if I…love him or not. There are a lot of quotes that describe what love is but it’s still so hard to admit to yourself whether you’re in love or not. But Antony also said I didn’t have to reply…but wouldn’t it be cruel not to?

I’m thinking too much about this, aren’t I? Ah, I want to go back to where things were simple. Can someone give me a remote to rewind time? I want to go back to when we were making out on the couch and stop him from answering that damn door! I’d just push him down and…and…do unspeakable things with him like we should have! Why did this have to happen? Why’d I have to overreact? Gah!

“Are you going to leave yet?” A voice asks from behind me. I jump, not noticing that Mick was even in the room with me. It shouldn’t surprise me it’s his room. I thought he was still in the shower though.

“Huh?” I ask, watching the boy take a seat beside me. He ruffles his wet hair with a towel.

“Didn’t you talk to lover boy?” He asks. How the hell did he know? He was asleep. I heard him snoring! My lack of responsive did not help prove him wrong. He smirks at the way my mouth continuously opens and closes like a fish out of water. “You’ve been a nervous wreck all day.”

“I…” I guess I have. I’ve been a total idiot since last night. The amount of embarrassing things I did today is probably in the triple digits. I don’t even want to think about it.

“So are you going to sit here and mope all day or go talk to him?” Mick asks, pretending that it’s such a hassle to talk to me. I know he’s worried. He’s been watching me like a hawk all day. He always knows when something is up just like I know when something is up with him.

Sighing, I reply, “I don’t know what to say to him.”

“Man sometimes it’s better not to think about it and just wing it.”

Wing it huh? That is an option. Sometimes my head comes up with all these stupid things to say and I think to myself ‘no way in hell am I saying that,’ so I end up trying so hard to think of something but nothing sounds right. Maybe it would be best to simply go over and whatever I say is whatever I say. Who cares if it’s dumb or not. It probably will be so I should just accept it.

Nodding, I somehow work up enough courage to head to Antony’s. Behind me Mick is shouting something along the lines of ‘use protection,’ which makes me turn back to hit him. The laughter helps my nerves enough to allow me to get to Antony’s apartment without having a panic attack.

Standing before his door I feel my palms begin to sweat. My mind is blank for the first time in a few days. Taking a deep breath, I push the door open and the damn thing actually squeaks like those doors in all those horror movies. Fuck doors.

The sound echoes through the apartment. I expected the TV to be on but surprisingly it isn’t. Antony hears my entrance and he sits up from lying on the couch. I bite my lip to keep myself from laughing at his hair, which is defying gravity I swear.

He looks shocked to see me. I guess he would be…he probably thought I’d be here before him. It’s almost 9 now. I made him wait almost four hours. I feel a little bad about it…

“Nice hair Annie,” I say around an awkward chuckle. I hesitantly make my way into the living room. Antony’s sitting up now, resting his back against the arm of his couch. I sit on the opposite end, leaving a cushion between us.

Antony doesn’t look too great…not that I look any better. I feel bad and good at the same time. Bad because he looks that way because of me but good because that means he’s as nervous as I am. Biting my lip, I try to think of something to say, anything at all to break the silence.

Antony beats me to it. “I didn’t think you were coming.”

I shrug, keeping my eyes glued to the floor. “I thought I shouldn’t come if I didn’t know what to say…”

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. I just…I wanted you to know that I was serious…about what I said last night.”

That he loves me. I bite my lip to hold back a smile. He loves me. My heart races thinking about it.

“I’m sorry I overreacted,” I mumble. My eyes still aren’t looking at him. If I do I’m going to look like a fire hydrant. I’m already blushing just by knowing he’s there. “I…I was just thinking it’d be a lot easier to be with a girl than me.”

Antony snorts. “It’d be a lot easier to be with anyone that isn’t you.”

Without meaning to I turn to face him with a glare. Seeing his smirk makes me start to laugh and he does the same. It’s always easy to laugh with Antony around. Sighing, I run my hands up and down my thighs as I say, “I really like you Antony…I’m sorry I can’t-“

“It’s fine…you don’t have to say it back,” Antony says while reaching for my hand. I reach out to meet him half way. Our fingers interlace and it makes me smile. “I’ll make you say it one day.”

I roll my eyes. “Not even in your dreams Annie.”