Skin and Bones

“I need to get out of here Martin I feel like everyone’s suffocating me.” I was currently curled up on Martin’s sofa with a glass of water, I didn’t feel too good.

“Everyone?” He asked with raised eyebrows, a hurt expression on his face.

“Not you, you seem to be the only one who understands.”

“I do understand, you don’t think the weight is there you know it is. You can see it, you can feel it. You used to be so confident, so beautiful where is she Eva?” Martin shuffled closer to me I could only think about Garrett, what would he have against me? Why would he do things to me? Ed wasn’t making sense but I was listening to him, I didn’t know how not to.

“You do what you feel you have to, why should you please Garrett? What hold does he have over you? What has he ever done for you? The way I see it he’s no better than that Jake guy, he had a hold on you too.”

“I need to go,” the mix of our close proximity and Martin’s words lead me to flee. Garrett was nothing like Jake, was he? Garrett was sweet and took care of me; he never told me what to do and always thought of me. But he didn’t understand, Martin did, did he? I was utterly confused, they were the two most important men in my life alongside Ed and they were all lodged in a battle with one another. I reflected on the battle, my life, my struggles until I couldn’t bear it any more. I looked in my cupboard and pulled out everything in sight, food or not. My head was swirling round; if it wasn’t Ed it was Martin or my parents or Jake. Every time I thought about Garrett I got a feeling in my chest and stomach which confused me even more. Without thinking I pulled apart the packets and opened jars and started devouring all I had. The combinations were random and weird, ryvita’s with strawberry jam and tuna. I was even eating things which weren’t food, eating mustard out the jar and drinking soy sauce. I didn’t care, I felt as if I had lost all control as I scoffed and swallowed. I felt sick, my stomach felt as if it was about to explode and my throat was being invaded by a venom. I stopped eating just long enough to run to the toilet, I emptied out everything I had but it wasn’t enough. I felt heavy, my stomach still felt full so I rammed my short fingers down my throat. The first few times I only gagged but after the fourth time I once again emptied myself. Between sobs I sat there on the freezing tiled floor trying to rid myself of everything. It wasn’t just the food I wanted gone all feelings, Ed, the situation with Garrett I wanted it all to come out of me.

“Eva?” He was here, why was he here? It was as if he had some sort of radar when I was upset or in trouble and he would arrive. I didn’t move however, I sat there sobbing stopping only to vomit again. It was a reflux again now I couldn’t stop it, everything was pouring out of me. As confused as I was I still wanted him with me, I was glad he was there, he always was.

“Let it all out hunny,” his breath touched my shoulder before I felt something warm drape across my body I was grateful for the warmth. I finally stopped vomiting after ten minutes of Garrett being here, he stayed his distance knowing I hated my hair being held or back being rubbed. I was still sobbing, tears had eased but I couldn’t stop my throat from emanating the shrill sounds. Without a word, which I was grateful for; Garrett helped me up and guided me to my room. Once I was tucked in bed the way I liked it he left be briefly before returning with the bucket to my mop and a glass of water. He kept flicking his head, to keep his nut coloured hair out of his face. He slowly sat down on the edge of my bed but instead of catching my gaze he looked round. I knew he was avoiding looking at me it was a clear sign he was very uncomfortable with the situation, I however kept my gaze on him.

“Thank you,” I managed to choke out after an eerie and what felt like a long silence. Garrett finally turned his head in my direction his eyes making me feel sad, guilty and even empty. I could always read Garrett from his eyes; they revealed everything about him, the amount of worry in them made me swallow.

“I tidied up a bit in there; there was a lot of stuff on the floor.” I knew when he said stuff he meant the empty remains of what I had greedily consumed, I felt sick again.

“Garrett I…”

“Eva I want you to tell me what’s going on with you. Too be completely honest I don’t think I can do this for much longer. Just think for a second what if I were drinking all the time, necking Jack for breakfast or what if I adopted a typical rock star lifestyle and started taking coke? What if you had to watch me destroy myself and I shrugged off every single bit of help you gave me? That’s how I feel right now Eva and it’s destroying me, I don’t know how long I can watch you do this to yourself.” I was full out sobbing, mostly because of what Garrett said to me but partly because Ed was with me. He was taunting me; it had never been this bad before. It was like he had multiplied and there were four Ed’s instead of one and they were all saying the same thing. They were angry I had eaten on that scale, pressuring me to get rid of it; they were all against Garrett telling me he was no good for me. That he wanted me to put on weight and therefore was the enemy. My head was spinning, everywhere I turned one of the Ed’s voice was scalding me and criminalising Garrett. It all became too much.

“GO AWAY!” I screamed holding my head in my hands as I sobbed and rocked my body back and forth in a failed attempt to get it to stop.

“Eva please listen to me stop pushing me away you need help!”

“Not you Garrett its Ed, make Ed go away I can’t take it anymore!”