Skin and Bones

The next day Garrett made sure I booked that appointment with Karen, he even dropped me off at the clinic and booked me in, making sure I couldn’t make an escape.

“Do you remember a time when you had a good relationship with food?! She sounded different than in the hospital, she was more assertive and less friendly in a way.

“When I was younger I was okay, I started making myself sick when I was thirteen for a few weeks then I was fine until a few months ago.” I didn’t go into details; she was a stranger I didn’t want to tell her my life story. I was very relieved when she didn’t ask for more details.

“So if you ate a meal how would you feel right now?”

“Disgusted.”

“What do you think would happen to you if you ate?”

“I’d gain weight.”

“And you don’t want to?”

“I can’t gain weight I just can’t!” I was a little shocked with my outburst. I don’t know what it was about her that made me explode like that.

“What if I asked you to eat an apple?”

“I’d rather that than a meal.”

“But you’d still be uncomfortable.”

“Very, my ex used to shove apples in my mouth calling me a pig so I don’t like them anyway.” I froze; I don’t even think I told Garrett about that.

“I think I have everything I need right now, Eva I feel it’s important to be honest with you, you’re a bad case. Not the worst I’ve ever seen but you are in real danger of this seriously effecting you’re health. I highly recommended a rehab programme here at the centre.”

“I can’t afford that. I live alone and I need my job.” That and I didn’t agree I was ill in the first place.

“The other, cheaper option is to have a six week healthy eating plan drawn up by me with weekly weigh-ins and counselling sessions.”

“Is there a third option?”

“Yes, refuse help and get hospitalised and force fed.” The thought of that made my skin crawl.

“I’ll go with number two.”

“As I suspected, we’ll start next week.” I got another appointment and a list of foods I could try. Garrett was waiting for me anxiously; he questioned me as soon as I was in ear shot.
My eating plan when I got it was the biggest piece of crap I had ever read, what was I supposed to do just suddenly feel okay about eating it?

“Can you not at least try for me?” Garrett asked watching me stare at the celery soup.
“If you think it looks so delicious you eat it then!” I snapped at him but I didn’t mean to. I was so frustrated with everything I took it out on whoever was there.

“Eva please I leave tomorrow and you’re not even trying!”

“You’re what?”

“Shit…”

“You’re leaving and you didn’t think to tell me!”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have told you near all these sharp objects.” He eyed the knives cautiously

“Maybe you should have told me ages ago when you first knew about it!” How could he lie to me like that? I heard Ed again ‘see he doesn’t care about you, I mean who could?’

“I didn’t want to upset you.”

“What do you think I am now Garrett? I’m meant to be your best friend but you can’t even tell
me a simple thing!” For the first time in our friendship I refused to say goodbye to Garrett before he left. Upset him, I could see it in his face when watching him out the window but I didn’t care. Ed told me I shouldn’t care. I moved out of the Nickelsen household the next day while mum and dad were working. I got a call from mum that afternoon begging me to come back but I told her she had done all she could and it was part of my plan to go it alone. When I went to see Karen I smiled when the scales showed a lower number, I did go up to seven stone six but in four days I went back to seven stone three.

“What happened? You were making really good progress.” I looked at Karen who was frowning wildly.

“I’ve not done anything different.” I lied trying to block out what Ed was screaming at me. Karen did not look either impressed or convinced.

“Eva tell me something, what do you feel when I ask you questions?” I didn’t understand what this had to do with anything but I answered, myself this time, Ed stayed quiet for once.

“Okay, I don’t always understand why you ask them but it’s your job.”

“So you try and link my questions to you? Keeping a step ahead and analysing them as it were?”

“I wouldn’t say that, I just try and understand why I’m here.”

“Eva I really think this kind of treatment isn’t right for you, I really recommend you going in for intensive treatment.” Ed didn’t like the sound of this one bit.

“Just leave me alone, I don’t want to be here I don’t need to be here. The only thing that’s wrong with me is I’m too fat I mean look at me!” I exploded from Ed’s help. He didn’t want me to go to that clinic and was going to do anything to stop me; I was now powerless against him.

I didn’t go and see Karen after that, she phones but I didn’t answer; Ed didn’t want me to. I watched in glee as the numbers on the scales decreased almost daily but I didn’t understand. The scales were telling me good things were happening but I still found myself pinching the skin on my stomach feeling sick from the amount of fat I saw. Were my scales lying to me too? Maybe they were broken. Maybe someone messed around with them, probably that stupid Karen who wanted me to believe I had a problem. I had fainted in work twice in the past week so my boss gave me a few days off to get better and see my doctor which I lied and said I would do. I hadn’t spoken to garret at all, he called and text but I ignored them all, I was convinced he was part of the conspiracy against me. I wasn’t even sure when he was coming home, a knock at the door soon told me, it was his knock.