Back the Way it Was

I paced back and forth, counting the tile as I went. Over and over, twelve block forward, twelve blocks back. One more glance at the clock. Only roughly 2 minutes have passed since I last checked. He had to be here soon, right? I called an hour ago. What if he’s not coming? Does he really still hate me? Not surprising, after everything I’ve done. The sound of the doorbell interrupts me from my thoughts. I’d have thanked the heavens, had I not known who was waiting for me behind that door. With one deep breath, a quick silent prayer, and a huge swallow of my pride, I twisted the doorknob and braced myself for what I knew was going to be a roller coaster of so many familiar emotions.

When I saw him my eyes widened, and I can’t be sure, but I think I may have blushed slightly. His carelessly tousled bedhead, those cloudy blue eyes, all on that 6” 3’ hockey player frame. I’d give anything to get one of his trademark hugs. Just one last embrace, it’s all I wanted. It was in that moment, I immediately regretted everything I’d ever done to hurt him. All of those lies, all of the betrayal, it was I to keep him safe. I thought I was protecting him, like he needed me to. I never wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to lose him, what we had.

We stood there for what seemed like hours. Just when my mind began to wander towards the things I feared the most, he broke the silence. “You going to let me in or what?” he said with the tiniest hint of humor in his voice. That alone was enough to make all the girls in Chicago buckle at the knees. His perfect Swedish accent paired with the way he carefully chooses his words was always one of my favorite things about him.

I swung the door open and stepped aside to let him slip past me over the threshold. He didn’t think I noticed, I could tell, but there was a slight hint of hesitation in his movements. It was as if he regretted coming here as much as I was beginning to regretting inviting him. I knew I had to start talking. I couldn’t hold on anymore. If I didn’t do this now, I’d explode or chicken out. Maybe even a mixture of both, I didn’t know. All I knew was, these things needed to be said. They needed to be heard and whether it was for my own benefit or his, I couldn’t be certain, but it decided, once and for all, where we stood now and where we’d end up in the future.

“Nik, look, I wanted you to come here because I… we… needed closure. There are so many loose ends, so many things left unexplained and I just can’t bear to ho-“
“Why did you wait all this time?”

His voice, though hardly above a whisper, made me jump. It almost seemed to echo, bounce off the walls. It caught me off guard. So much so, I could do nothing but shake my head. He said again, louder this time, “Tell me. Why did you wait two fucking years to try to contact me again?”

“I wanted to see you again. I waited so long because… well, I don’t know. I thought you hated me. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did. I just wanted to give you time, to give myself some time. I think we both needed that.”

“I didn’t need two years, Sophie. I never hated you, okay? I was angry, yeah. I still am, and I don’t know that I’ll ever get over it. You lied to me. You went behind my back and broke my heart.” “It was to protect you. I honestly thought that I was helping you. I never wanted to hurt you, Niklas. I would never do that to you. Don’t you know that? Don’t you know that I’m in love you? I’ve always been in love with you. And I… I don’t know. I just thought that maybe, just maybe, there was a small chance you would realize that. I thought that, if I gave you enough time, you’d understand why I did it. I don’t know why I invited you here. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I bothered you. I’m sorry I ignored you for so long. I’m sorry for feeling this way.”
After all that, I thought for sure he’d had enough. His eyes shifted to the ground. I assumed he was counting the tile, like I was doing just before he came. Tears prickled my eyes as I thought of him storming out of that door again, out of my life forever. Maybe it was this or maybe it was he’d simply never done something like this before, but all I know is I certainly didn’t expect it. Before I could finally break down and let out a sob, his lips were planted against mine. The best thing was that it didn’t feel forced. It wasn’t an awkward or angry embrace. It felt natural, like I belonged in this moment, with this man, and he belonged with me.

When he finally pulled away, he remained silent. I was almost thankful for that. I couldn’t have explained that moment in words if I tried. To feel his arms around me again, his lips against mine one more time, was incomparable. At that moment, I was able to look him in the eye without seeing sadness or anger. My eyes might have been playing tricks on me, and he’d deny it if I asked, but I could’ve sworn I saw a tear in the corner of his eye.
My stomach filled with a thousand butterflies as he took two small steps towards me until we were just barely touching. Cautiously, and so painstakingly slow, he raised his hand up to my cheek. It was then I realized I was crying. A smirk painted on his face, he swiped a tear just before it fell to the ground.

“Sophie Marie, darling.”

“Niklas.”

"If it's alright with you, I'd love to have my girl back. Would that be acceptable?" he inquires, as he wraps his arms around my waist and plants a kiss just above my brow.

"I'm sure we could work out a deal," I whisper.