All or Nothing

Eliza took a sip from her beer and surveyed the room.

The Haners’ living room was entirely packed with people. All the guys’ families were over, and so were Val’s. Val and Matt had gotten back the day before, but Eliza hadn’t seen them until tonight. Val was currently talking to Katie and Johnny who was moving around animatedly. Lucy was walking around, making sure everyone was alright, and Brian was standing next to Zacky, looking heartbreakingly beautiful.

Eliza couldn’t keep her eyes off of him. Beside her, Brent was talking up a storm and she was listening, but she didn’t hear what he was saying. Her eyes took in Brian’s dark jeans, his black V-neck shirt and the fact he seemed to be losing weight. She glanced down at her own stomach and raised her eyebrows, knowing the feeling.

Brian was excruciatingly aware of how close Eliza was to him, and how good she looked in her skin-tight jeans, boots, and cream colored sweater. She’d removed the teal and white stripe from her hair and it was completely black, which made her hazel eyes even more pronounced. He watched as she nodded every once in a while at whatever Brent was saying to her and he was jealous of his brother. He missed being able to sit that close to her. All he wanted to do was go over to her, kiss her until she forgave him, and make everything better. He knew that wouldn’t work, though, so he forced himself to keep his eyes off of her so he wasn’t tempted.

He glanced at the stairs as McKenna came running down them, screaming for their dad.

“Dad! Can we have—”

Eliza heard McKenna in the background, but her eyes remained on Brian. That is, until his eyes came to hers. She watched him smile and his eyes shifted away. She followed his gaze to see McKenna staring at her with a goofy smile on her face.
Whatever she had wanted was lost in thought as she ran straight for Eliza and launched herself at the older girl. Eliza wrapped her arms around her and smiled.

“You changed your hair,” McKenna said as she pulled away from Eliza.

“Yep, I sure did, kiddo,” Eliza replied as McKenna took a piece of her hair and looked at it.

“I like it. It makes your eyes prettier.”

“Thank you,” Eliza said and smiled.

Brian watched as Eliza listened to McKenna talk. She had a smile on her face the whole time; not just any smile, but the one that he used to be able to put on her face. He couldn’t believe watching Eliza smile was getting him aroused, but considering the fact he hadn’t done anything with anyone since he and Eliza had sex at Halloween, he wasn’t surprised. He didn’t plan on having sex with anyone unless it was Eliza.

Keeping his eyes on them, he watched as McKenna made herself comfortable and launched into telling Eliza something until she jumped up.

“I want to show you my room!” McKenna suddenly said and Eliza’s eyes crinkled.

“Okay, let’s go,” she said and let the younger girl lead her upstairs.

McKenna’s room was now painted a deep purple and she had posters all over the walls. Eliza froze for a moment when she saw the pictures above McKenna’s headboard. She had ripped out the pages from the article and Eliza and Brian’s faces hung above her bed.

“I look at them every night,” McKenna said when she noticed Eliza staring at them.

“Why?”

“I want you two to get married. I want you to be my sister. Why aren’t you with my brother anymore?”

Eliza’s heart ached as she quickly thought of something to tell the younger girl.

“Sometimes…things don’t work out the way we want them to, sweetheart,” Eliza said as they made themselves comfortable on her bed.

“Don’t you love him?”

“Of course I love him, sweetheart.”

“Why aren’t you together, then?”

“It’s…complicated. I won’t tell you you’ll understand when you’re older, because when I was a kid I hated hearing that. You’ll understand in a couple of years when you start dating.”

“I don’t wanna date,” McKenna said, frowning.

“How come?”

“I overheard Brian and Brent talking. Brian said you didn’t cry and he made you cry more than once.”

“That’s true,” Eliza said, frowning.

“If you and Brian love each other with your whole heart, and you didn’t cry and Brian made you cry, I don’t want to date.”

“Honey, just because Brian and I aren’t together doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be happy. If when you get older a boy makes you happy, go with it. Just don't kiss him."

“Ew,” McKenna said and they both giggled.

“C’mon,” Eliza said, getting up from her bed. “Let’s go get something to eat.”



Brian was itching to go upstairs with McKenna and Eliza, just to see what they were talking about, but he knew he couldn’t. Instead, he remained downstairs and fidgeted until they came back down the steps. They were both smiling and Eliza immediately moved to where Val and Katie were standing. He noticed that McKenna didn’t move far from wherever Eliza went. He didn’t know Eliza had that big of an effect on McKenna, but aside from Lucy and school, he guessed she didn’t have a lot of female company.

He watched McKenna eye his dad and Lucy and then she made a move for the kitchen. Knowing what she was up to, he moved to the kitchen after her. She was sticking her finger in the icing on one of the cakes when he came up behind her.

“Whatcha doin, munchkin?” he asked and saw her jump.

“Nothing!” she squeaked. Her eyes were big but when she saw it was him, she smiled.

“Yeah, it looks like you’re doing nothing,” he said as he watched her lick the icing off.

She ran to him and hugged his waist. “I miss you, Brian.”

“I miss you too, kiddo,” he said and picked her up.

“When are you and Eliza gonna get married so I can really make her my sister?”

He froze, but he didn’t show any emotion on his face.

“When I make things right between us.”

“You mean when you don’t make her cry anymore?”

“Yeah, when I don’t make her cry anymore,” Brian said quietly.

“Eliza said it’s complicated. Is it?”

“Yeah, it is. I messed up and I hurt her. I’ve got to apologize for hurting her.”

“Did you break her heart?”

“I think I did,” Brian said and he frowned. “I’m not sure she’ll forgive me.”

“Why don’t you go apologize now?”

“It’s going to take more than just saying sorry to get her back, Mickey. I can’t just apologize in front of everyone. It has to be the right moment, kiddo.”

“What about a ring? Will a ring make her feel better?”

“A ring?”

“Yeah, propose to her!”

Brian thought about how happy she looked while he was down on one knee, how she’d said she didn’t want the huge diamond but she took it anyway. He remembered he told her to keep the thing because it didn’t mean anything to him when he walked out of her apartment.

“I already did, kiddo.”

“Did she say no?”

“She said yes, but then I messed up. I’ve got to give the ring meaning now.”

“You better find the right moment soon, Brian.”

“Oh yeah? And why’s that?”

“I want Eliza for my sister, Brian, and I get what I want.”

He looked at McKenna’s serious face and just laughed, knowing she was completely right.



Several hours later, everyone was stuffed and milling about. Brian took a swig from his beer and looked around the room. Deciding he needed a cigarette, he moved through the house, into the kitchen, and onto the back deck.

Just as he closed the door, he saw Eliza standing there, a cigarette in her hand as she looked at her phone. He couldn’t go inside, because that would look like he was trying to avoid her, so he just stayed to one side of the deck.

She closed her phone and sensed someone was near her. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw it was Brian and she turned her head to look over the backyard, bringing the cigarette to her lips.

“So this is what it’s like to spend Christmas with Avenged Sevenfold,” she said after a few minutes.

He almost choked on the hit of his cigarette; he was so startled by her speaking to him.

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said.

“If I had known, I think I would’ve told David to go fuck himself and come here last year,” she said and turned her head so he could see the small smile on her face.

The corner of his mouth lifted up. “We had it at Matt’s parents’ house last year. Jimmy and Johnny snuck off and got totally wasted on moonshine.”

“Now that sounds like a party,” she said and put the cigarette out in the ashtray on the deck railing.

She turned around and leaned against the railing to face him. Brian watched as she pulled her hair behind her head and secured it with an elastic band. Now that he could really see her, he noticed how her sweater hung loosely from her body and how her jeans weren’t really skin-tight. He knew by looking at them they were the smallest pair she owned. He remembered her trying to struggle into them one day and being out of breath after jumping up and down for about five minutes. Now, she was holding them up with a belt and they still looked loose.

Suddenly, what Val said about something going on with Eliza hit home and he realized something really was wrong. She wasn’t starving herself, he’d watched her eat two full plates of food, but something was definitely going on.

He opened his mouth to say something, but McKenna came outside at that moment.

“Eliza, dad says I have to go to bed. Will you come with me?”

“Sure, pumpkin,” Eliza said and threw a smile and Brian before disappearing inside with his sister.

He sighed. At least her speaking to him was a start. Hell, he should consider himself lucky she didn’t yell and scream at him, but he knew she wouldn’t while she was at his dad’s house with everyone in ear shot.

He made his way inside and watched McKenna say goodnight to everyone before she grabbed a hold of Eliza’s hand and pulled her upstairs. Eliza made eye contact with Brian before she disappeared.

He waited a few minutes before he jogged up the steps, curious as to their conversation.

McKenna was in her pajamas already and was lying on Eliza’s chest, under the covers. Eliza was sitting with her back against the headboard, and she’d taken her boots off. Her legs were crossed and her arm was around McKenna’s shoulders.

“Will you sing for me, Eliza?”

“What do you want me to sing?”

“Brian played a song for me! Will you sing it if I play it?”

“Yeah, I will,” Eliza said, smiling.

“When you make your CD, can I be the first one to have a copy?”

“Of course you can, kiddo.”

McKenna smiled and got out of bed. She moved to her computer and double-clicked on a song. Suddenly, the sound of Staind’s “Right Here” started playing in the room and Eliza’s eyes watered.

“Eliza? Are you okay?” McKenna asked as she came back to the bed.

“Yes, baby, I’m fine,” Eliza said as she pushed the lump in her throat down.

“I wish you would stay for Christmas,” McKenna said, sleepily.

She played with McKenna’s hair as she sang the song. By the time she was finished, the girl was asleep. Quietly, she pushed herself off the bed, wiped a tear away and pulled her boots on. Just as she straightened up, she noticed Brian standing in the doorway.

He moved out of the way as she came through the door into the hallway and closed McKenna’s door.

He watched her fidget with her right sleeve and she lifted it a bit as she scratched her arm. He noticed the bracelet he gave her was still on her wrist. Her fingers were bare except for the ring Val had given her; her engagement ring was missing. At this close of a distance, he was also able to see the music note necklace and the coffin necklace were still on her neck, but there was a third silver chain that was hidden under everything. He couldn’t tell what was on that one, though, because the end of it was underneath her sweater.

“That was sweet,” he said with a strained voice.

“Yeah, she just kinda…wanted me to sing,” Eliza said awkwardly.

“Look, is there anyway—”

“Hey, Liz, are you ready…Oh, sorry,” Katie said as she jogged up the steps. She paused when she saw Brian and Eliza talking.

“Sorry,” she said again.

“No, it’s okay. We better get going. We’ve gotta be out of here early,” Eliza said with a small smile.

She turned back to Brian as Katie slowly made her way down the steps, looking back at the two.

“Well,” Eliza said and paused. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Eliza,” Brian said sadly.

There was a moment of awkwardness before Eliza leaned in and hugged him. Brian hugged her back and put a swift kiss on the side of her head before she pulled away. She smiled sadly at him before she turned and followed Katie down the steps.

Brian followed the two girls and watched as they said their goodbyes. His dad followed the two girls out, and from the door Brian watched as Eliza handed him a huge bag and hugged him before climbing into the car.

Papa Gates waved as the girls drove off and walked back up to the door.

“What’s that?” Brian asked, indicating the huge bag in his dad’s hands.

“Presents she forgot to bring in earlier,” his dad replied.

“Oh,” Brian said only.

“Did you get her something?”

“Yeah, actually, I did. I didn’t know what she wanted, but I got her something.”

“Will she love it?”

“I hope so,” Brian said and was worried at what she would say to his gift.

“Good, because your presents are in here, too,” he said before moving away from Brian. He turned back to him and stepped closer. “I hope you realize what a complete asshole you’ve been to that girl. I always taught you to handle your own shit. I thought I also taught you right from wrong, but apparently you fucked that up, too.”

He just watched silently as his dad walked away. He knew his dad wasn’t angry with him, really, he was angry at the situation and how it was Brian’s fault. He sighed as a thought hit him.

Eliza had bought him Christmas presents. Slowly, a smile crept onto his face with the realization she still cared. Of course she cared, he thought. Suddenly, he couldn’t wait for morning to come so he could see what she had bought.



“I didn’t get you anything for Christmas,” Katie said to ease the tension in the car.

“It’s okay, Katie, I don’t need anything for Christmas.”

“Yeah, but I happen to know you bought me a present, and I feel like shit because I didn’t get you anything.”

“Katie, I promise, I don’t need anything.”

“I know! How about… while we’re in Baltimore, I pay for a tattoo? I know you’ve been dying to get another one.”

“I knew there was a reason you were my best friend,” Eliza laughed. “That sounds amazing, actually.”

“Awesome. Speaking of presents…Will you grab my purse?”

Eliza reached in the backseat for Katie’s bag and pulled it to the front. When they stopped for a red light, Katie dug around until she found the little box.

It was wrapped in black paper with red ribbon. It looked so heartbreakingly familiar that Eliza didn’t need to ask who it was from. For her birthday last year, he’d had it wrapped with pink ribbon, but since it was Christmas, he used red.

She took the box from Katie and she slowly unwrapped it. A black velvet box was inside and she slowly opened it up. Inside sat the skull ring that Brian had given her what seemed like forever ago. She didn’t really understand until she looked on the inside of the ring.

She’d had “Right Here Waiting” inscribed on the band, but underneath the skull part of the ring, Brian had gotten something else inscribed. She pulled it close to her face but still couldn’t read it. Reaching up, she flipped open the visor and let the light flood the passenger seat of the car.

On the opposite side of her inscription, Brian had “All or Nothing” engraved in cursive. She took a breath in and tried not to let the tears spill over. She remembered them spending all day cleaning and how he’d made her really listen to the song, claiming it was another one of their songs.

“Sweet, isn’t it?”

“For an asshole, yeah, it is,” Eliza said and looked at the ring.

She closed the box and put it in her purse before she slipped the ring on her thumb. Just like before, it was a perfect fit. She’d lost weight in her fingers, she knew, because the ring Val had given her last year was slipping off her index finger, but somehow this one didn’t move at all.

She closed the visor without looking and kept her gaze on the ring. Sighing, she leaned back in the car seat and closed her eyes.

“Shit can never be simple, can it?”