All or Nothing

“Weather man said it’s gonna snow. By now I should be used to the cold. Mid-February shouldn’t be so scary. It was only December, but I still remember the presents, the tree, you and me.

But you went away. How dare you? I miss you. They say I’ll be okay, but I’m not going to ever get over you.”

Eliza had removed her sunglasses and sat them on top of her head. She’d kept her eyes closed for the first verse and chorus but now her eyes were opened. All around them dark makeup coated her eyelids, making her hazel eyes seem brighter, even from Brian’s distance. Her eyes were raised heavenward, and Brian felt a sense of sadness wash over him.

“Living alone here in this place, I think of you, and I’m not afraid. Your favorite records make me feel better, ‘cause you sing along with every song. I know you didn’t mean to give them to me…

But you went away, how dare you? I miss you. They say I’ll be okay but I’m not ever going to get over you.

It really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone. ‘Cause you went away, how dare you? I miss you. They say I’ll be okay, but I’m not going to ever get over you.”

Eliza looked down at the crowd that was cheering her on as she finished the song. She’d looked all around in front of her, smiling at the response she was getting from the crowd. Her eyes fell on her friends who were all smiling and clapping, except for Brian. He looked just as sad as she felt. She wrote the song for her dad, but listening to it, she realized it could sound like she’d written it about him.

Brian saw the tears in her eyes as she made eye contact with him and he felt lower than low. He’d made some stupid comment about her parents and how she didn’t visit their graves, and here she was singing a song dedicated to them.

She smiled and wiped a tear away before moving on to the next song. She leaned over her guitar as Dominic strummed along with her. Alex was busy on the cymbals behind them and Hunter was sitting at a piano.

“I can be tough, I can be strong, but with you it’s not like that at all. There’s a girl who gives a shit, behind this wall, you just walked through it. And I remember all those crazy things you said, you left them running through my head. You're always there, you're everywhere, but right now I wish you were here. All those crazy things we did, didn't think about it, just went with it. You're always there, you're everywhere, but right now I wish you were here”

There was a small pause in the song in which Eliza mistakenly made eye contact with Brian. Then, she was stuck and she couldn’t tear her gaze away from him, even during the chorus.

“Damn, damn, damn. What’d I’d do to have you here, here, here. I wish you were here. Damn, damn, damn, what’d I’d do to have you near, near, near. I wish you were here.”

Tears sprang to her eyes as she kept her gaze locked with Brian. She couldn’t help the tears, really. He had always had a way to make her cry when nothing else could.

“I love the way you are. It's who I am, don't have to try hard. We always say, say it like it is. And the truth is that I really miss all those crazy things you said. You left them running through my head. You're always there, you're everywhere, but right now I wish you were here. All those crazy things we did. Didn't think about it, just went with it. You're always there, you're everywhere, but right now I wish you were here.”

She kept her eyes on Brian the whole time sing sang the rest of the song. At one point, he couldn’t take it anymore and he blinked, breaking the trance they seemed to be in. He clapped along with the cheers from the audience as Eliza finished the song.

They moved back to their positions from before, and Brian watched Eliza take another sip of her drink while she switched guitars. The song they launched into was the song she’d played for him while they were shooting “Afterlife”. He remembered she’d called it “Lost in You” and as the lyrics washed over him, he decided he was going to make things right.

After the concert, he was going to pull her to the side and apologize for everything he’d ever done wrong for with her. After that, he was going to spend the rest of his life proving his apology to her in any way possible.

She moved back up to the microphone with her acoustic guitar on her shoulder. She leaned over the guitar with her pick in her hand and he watched her fingers flick across the strings. Just before her voice rang out, her eyes connected with his.

“I'm still trying to figure out how to tell you I was wrong. I can't fill the emptiness inside since you've been gone. So is it you or is it me? I know I said things that I didn't mean, but you should've known me by now. You should've known me. If you believed when I said I'd be better off without you, then you never really knew me at all. If you believed when I said that I wouldn't be thinking about you, you thought you knew the truth but you're wrong. You're all that I need; just tell me that you still believe.”

She blinked a few times and Brian knew that she was tearing up but he didn’t move. Her eyes stayed on his and a small smile appeared on her face. Some of the lyrics sounded familiar and he was brought back to that morning when she’d yelled at him. She’d said she was better off without him and that she would never think of him again. Now, here she was saying that all of those words were lies.

“I can't undo the things that led us to this place, but I know there's something more to us than our mistakes. So is it you or is it me? I know I'm so blind when we don't agree, but you should've known me by now. You should've known me, ‘cause you're all that I want. Don't you even know me at all? You're all that I need. Just tell me that you still believe.”

Eliza held the last note with her guitar note. She blinked the tears back as roars of cheers filled her ears and she couldn’t help the smile on her face. The adrenaline was pumping through her veins now and she knew there was no going back. Hell, she didn’t want to go back; she’d had more fun tonight than she’d had in a long time.

Quickly, she changed her guitars, finished off her drink and moved back to the microphone. They had three songs left, and two of the last three she still wasn’t sure about. She’d tried to keep her and Brian’s conversation from her mind, but it still crept in every once in a while during the concert. She replayed everything; how he’d called her bad news, and she knew she had to finish this no matter what.

She did a riff on her guitar and listened for Alex to count her off before starting the song. The song grew louder and just at the downbeat of the song, she threw herself into the music, moving all over the stage as her fingers flew over the strings. The smile remained on her face.

“I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like. Is it over yet, in my head? I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind. Is it over yet? I can't win. So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left. I know that I can find the fire in your eyes. I'm going all the way, get away, please.”

Eliza tilted her head slightly as her eyes slid to where Brian was standing while she sang the chorus.

“You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be. You got to fight just to make it through, 'cause I will be the death of you.”

She broke eye contact to look down at her guitar for a small solo before lifting her head back to the microphone.

Brian smiled, watching her. He knew she knew how he felt while listening to this song. She had to know how these lyrics made him feel. He felt a hand on his arm and he turned to his right to see Katie looking at him. She had questions in her eyes and all she could see were the tears brimming his eyes.

Brian looked at her and smiled a small smile. He was glad Katie was there. He loved Val, and yes, she cared, but Katie seemed to pick up on everything that no one else did.

“I’ve been around Eliza a long time,” she said, leaning into his ear as if she was reading his mind.

“What are you talking about?”

“I care about her, but when she loves someone as much as she loves you, I care about you, too.”

“How’d you know?” he asked and sniffed.

“I’ve been around Eliza a long time,” she repeated with a smile.

They both turned their attention back to the stage as Eliza’s voice rang out again.

“This will be all over soon. Pour salt into the open wound. Is it over yet? Let me in. So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left. I know that I can find the fire in your eyes. I'm going all the way, get away, please. You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be. You got to fight just to make it through, 'cause I will be the death of you.”

She stepped away from the microphone to throw herself around for a few seconds while she ripped through a solo. She bit her lip as she moved back up to the microphone, taking a huge breath of air in.

“I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating,” Eliza sang and took in a huge breath to scream the last word.

Even Brian had to cheer for that. Not a lot of females can scream but she made the perfect transition.

“You take the breath right out of me. You left a hole where my heart should be. You got to fight just to make it through, 'cause I will be the death of you.”

She smiled and swung her guitar around her shoulders, catching it again as she turned to smile at the guys around her. She and Hunter raised their cups in salute to each other and she glanced back at Alex who was sweating profusely. She brought the cup with her up to the microphone to prepare for her last speech.

“Again, you guys, we are Shades of Grey and we want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for coming out to see us. We really appreciate it. These last two songs that we’re going to sing aren’t ours, but we hope you enjoy them anyway.”

She shook her bracelets down her wrist and stood to the left of the microphone as she started the beginning of the second to last song. She smiled as the cheers got louder when the song was recognized.

“She said ‘don't, don't let it go to your head, boys like you are a dime a dozen, boys like you are a dime a dozen’. She said ‘you're a touch overrated, you're a lush and I hate it but these grass stains on my knees they won't mean a thing.”

Hunter stepped up to the microphone at the start of the chorus to harmonize with Eliza.

“And all I need to know is that I'm something you'll be missing. Maybe I should hate you for this; never really did ever quite get that far. Maybe I should hate you for this; never really did ever quite get that...”

“I’d never lie to you, unless I had to; I’ll do what I got to. Unless I had to, I’ll do what I got to. The truth…is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt. And all I need to know is that I’m something you’ll be missing. Maybe I should hate you for this; never really did ever quite get that far. Maybe I should hate you for this; never really did ever quite get that…”

She pulled back from the microphone, looking at Hunter and around at the crowd before stepping back up to finish the song out.

“’Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions; this'll be last chance you get to drop my name,” Eliza sang and sucked in a lungful of air.

“‘Cause I'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions; this'll be last chance you get to drop my name,” Eliza sang again but this time her eyes shifted to Brian and one of her eyebrows raised up in a mocking manner. “If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar.”

“Maybe I should,” Hunter sang in the background.

“If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar,” Eliza belted.

“Hate you for this,” Hunter volleyed.

“If I’m just bad news,” Eliza chanted, her eyes never leaving Brian’s.

“Maybe I should,” Hunter got a little bit louder.

“Then you’re a liar,” Eliza crooned, tilting her head almost shrugging at Brian.

“Hate you for this,” Hunter finished.

“Maybe I should hate you for this,” Eliza said, taking her eyes away from Brian.

“If you only knew half as much as you pretend to,” Hunter backed up, and Brian realized he was looking at him, too.

“Maybe I should hate you for this,” Eliza finished and stepped away from the microphone.

“If you only knew half as much as you pretend to,” Hunter finished the song quietly.

As soon as the song was finished, they launched into their last one, a cover of Three Days Grace’s “Good Life”.

That gave Brian plenty of time to think.

“I’m confused. Is she mad at me or does she want me back?” Brian asked, leaning into Katie.

“Both,” Katie replied with a smile, her head nodding along with the song. “She hates you because you’re an asshole who didn’t believe her…again, but she wants you to apologize so you guys can get back together.”

“Is she on drugs, Katie?”

Katie couldn’t reply because the song finished and the crowd was too loud to talk over. Eliza bowed from the stage and left, as did the guys behind her.

Brian followed the rest of the group as they headed backstage. They were all going out to celebrate with Eliza and her band on their first concert, and Brian wasn’t sure he wanted to go.

Everyone filed into a room with lots of couches, waiting on the band to come in which they did a few minutes later. Everyone congratulated them and looked to the door, waiting for Eliza to come through. When she didn’t, Matt spoke up.

“Where’s Eliza?”

“She said something about she wanted to change before we head out, so I’m assuming she’s changing,” Dominic said as he threw his arm around Annisa.

“I have an idea,” Annisa said from his side, drawing all eyes on her. “Why don’t we just go to the club? I mean, I know it’s a strip club, but drinks are on me, and there’s a section in the back away from the strippers and stuff.”

“Baby, you had me at ‘strip’,” Jimmy said with a smile.

“She had me at free drinks,” Johnny said, nodding his head excitedly.

Eliza walked in, then. She’d completely changed. She was wearing skinny jeans with boots, a white long-sleeved shirt and a vest that had a fur-lined hood. She smiled as she made her way around the group, hugging and giving thanks to them. She completely ignored Brian, though, skipping over him and going straight to Katie.

“You were amazing,” Katie said with her whole face brightening.

“Thanks, are you sure, though?”

“Positive. You were great,” Katie said and they hugged again.

“Alright guys,” Zacky piped up. “Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”



They moved through the streets, the group of friends, as they laughed and joked.

Half of the group paused as Katie turned around to take a picture. Eliza was on Jimmy’s back, her hood up, and she was making a weird face because Jimmy kept acting like he was going to drop her. A few of them laughed and Eliza tightened her grip around his neck, leaning down.

“Your hood is annoying,” Jimmy said, trying to brush the faux fur out of his face.

“Your face is annoying,” Eliza came back with.

“Nice,” Jimmy said as they all turned the corner to the club.

Eliza jumped down from Jimmy’s back and started to walk in.

“Dude, you have Teletubbie feet,” Jimmy said, holding out a finger and laughing.

Eliza looked down at her feet and then back up at Jimmy. “It’s a shame that you know what Teletubbie feet look like, Jim.”

“Shit happens,” he said and shrugged.

They walked in and Eliza and Annisa immediately moved around, saying hello to everyone. Dominic wasn’t far behind them, while the others just looked around to see what it was all about.

Brian’s eyes followed Eliza. He didn’t need to see strippers or the strip club; he’d seen them before. He remembered what Val had said; this is where Eliza hung out, and if she did drugs, she did them here.

She came back and led them to a big table in the back. They all scooted around the table to make themselves comfortable. Eliza was on the end, next to Katie, where Brian could keep an eye on her from his position in the very middle.

They were bombarded by waitresses with drinks then, and they passed them down, making sure everyone had something. The last thing they set down was one single shot and Eliza and Jimmy leaned forward, playing rock paper scissors. Jimmy won, and Eliza groaned. She picked up the shot, saluted him and downed the shot.

Everyone laughed at the look on her face.

“Oh, my God,” she said and wiped her mouth. “Tequila.”

“That’s nasty,” Katie said, laughing at her friend.

Annisa laughed and looked around the club. Her eyes caught sight of a guy in a black suit, motioning for her to go up the stairs.

She stood up and walked over to Eliza, whispering something in her ear. Eliza turned over her shoulder and saw the guy waiting at the bottom of the steps. She excused herself and followed Annisa to the steps, her hands in her vest pockets. They paused for a second before the guy allowed them up the stairs and Brian watched as she disappeared.

He was even more confused when Annisa came back but Eliza didn’t. He kept his eyes on the stairs for a long time, but still, she didn’t come down them.

After a while, he excused himself to the bathroom and he tried inconspicuously to look up to see if he could see her, but he didn’t. When he exited the bathroom, however, his eyes were immediately drawn upwards and his eyes found her.

A large Italian-looking man was sitting in a chair and Eliza was sitting on the arm of it. She smiled as she turned back to look at him. He motioned to something in front of them and Eliza shook her head no. He said something else and she acted like she was leaning forward, but she turned back.

Uncle Vincenzo was encouraging her to do a line, but she was steadily rebuffing him. She honestly didn’t want to. When he told her to go ahead again, she shook her head again, and her eyes left him to see Brian coming from the bathroom.

His eyes were on her and she felt a bit uncomfortable. Hell, he’d probably ask if she was having sex with an old man now, not knowing that he was more of an uncle to her than anything.

“He’s here, isn’t he?” Vincenzo asked.

Eliza nodded.

“Well, here,” he said and slipped a small bag into her pocket. “Congratulations on your concert, piccolina. Go have fun.”

She smiled at him, kissed his cheek and bounced up from the chair and headed back downstairs to sit with her friends. Alex handed her a drink and she took it gladly, downing half of it before coming up for air.

They sat, listening to the music and enjoying the company for a while longer while the drinks kept coming. After a while, Eliza felt herself growing tired and she excused herself from the group. She gave Katie her spare key and headed outside to call a cab.

She slurred her address to the driver and he took off. She didn’t understand why she was feeling this way. Shoving her hands in her pockets for a bit of warmth, she found the baggy that Vincenzo had put in there. She couldn’t help it, she opened the small baggy, placed her fingernail inside, scooped out a bit and inhaled it.

When the cab stopped, she handed him her money and climbed out. She pulled her pack of cigarettes out, got one and put the pack back in her pocket. She pulled the little baggy out as she wet the filter of the cigarette and then dipped it in the bag, making sure the end was covered.

She rolled the filter around on her lips, making sure she got them completely covered and as she lit the cigarette, she felt the numbing tingle of the coke lining her lips.
Stepping on her cigarette, she stumbled up the steps into her building and pressed the button for her floor at the elevator.

Eliza stumbled from the elevator to her door and dropped her keys. Laughing, she bent down and picked them up, almost losing her balance in the process.

Being so drunk and wrapped up in her thoughts, she didn’t hear the people behind her as she unlocked her door and pushed it open. Suddenly, someone shoved her inside her door. She fell and tried to twist so she wouldn’t land facedown; unfortunately, from the impact, her head whiplashed and slammed back against the wooden floor, knocking her out.

When she came to, she found herself in the living room with her face down in the carpet. A scream ripped through her throat as she felt the person behind her. Her underwear and jeans were around her thighs and she felt him pumping in and out of her and she screamed again.

“Shut the fuck up,” a person said from in front of her. It was a woman’s voice and it sounded vaguely familiar.

“What the fuck do you want,” Eliza managed out, but then another pain ripped through her abdomen.

“Didn’t I tell you not to fucking scream the first time?” a voice came from behind her.

Her voice was frozen in her throat. It was the same guy as before, only this time, there was a woman involved. Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe, and she felt a panic attack coming on and tried to keep herself calm but knew it was no use.

She felt blood leaking from a cut on her forehead and she closed her eyes against the pain.

Tears fell down her cheeks as the time seemed to stand still. Finally, however, he was done and pulled away from her.

“Stupid bitch,” the woman said to her, almost kicking Eliza as she walked away.

Laughter followed them as they slammed the door shut. Almost blinded by her tears, she somehow managed to pull herself up, and straightened out her clothes. She pulled herself up the steps to her room.

Just as she got inside, she heard her front door open, and knew everyone else was home. Embarrassed, she pushed the door closed and tried to keep quiet.

“Eliza?” she heard Katie call out.

“Is that blood!?” someone else hollered.

“Eliza!” Katie screamed, this time.

She heard footsteps coming up the stairs as she looked at herself in the mirror. She was completely disheveled and her eyes were red. They weren’t as red as the right side of her face, however. A two-inch cut was just below her hairline and blood ran down the side of her face. A sense of numbness came over her then, and her eyes fluttered. Suddenly, her eyes rolled back in her head.

Katie flinched as she shoved Eliza’s door open and it bounced off the wall behind it. The sound of glass breaking and a thud came from the bathroom and she ran to the door pushing it open.

Inside, Eliza was on the floor, convulsing. Her eyes were open, but only the whites were showing. Blood was flowing from a huge cut and the scream ripped through Katie’s body.

In no time, Eliza’s room was filled with people. Val and Annisa came running forward into the bathroom just as Eliza’s body wracked with shakes.

“She’s having a seizure,” Annisa announced.

“What do I do?!” Katie hollered, tears running down her face.

A scream erupted from Eliza’s lungs as one of the guys dialed 911. Eliza’s eyes fluttered shut for a few seconds before opening again, but the seizure wasn’t done, yet. Her body flexed and relaxed for the better part of ta minute.

Zacky did as the 911 Operator told him to do and turned her on her side, placing a pillow under her head. He told Katie to make sure nothing was in her mouth and the Operator instructed him to not restrain her in any way, shape or form.

“An ambulance is on the way,” he said after a few minutes.

Another scream erupted from Eliza’s mouth as her body tightened up considerably, and then relaxed. Another one made its way through her body and she actually lifted off the ground a few inches before falling back down.

Brian pushed his way through everyone and Val moved out of the way for him.

“Why are her pants undone?” he asked, his eyes roaming over her body.

“I don’t know,” Katie said. “Maybe she was getting undressed when it happened.”

Brian knew not to try and restrain her but he placed her hand on top of his and because of the convulsions, he felt her hand squeezing his, yet he did nothing. There was nothing he could do but watch the girl he loved suffer.