All or Nothing

“I just don’t get why you don’t like coffee,” Eliza said as they rounded the corner.

Her coffee cup was half empty and she took another sip of it looking to her left as Jimmy matched her stride for stride.

She’d pulled the door open two nights ago to reveal him with a duffel bag by his side. He was grinning like a Cheshire cat and waving like a fool. She’d let him in so he could explain what he was doing there.

“Katie came in and told us you’d gone to New York, and I knew you needed me.”

“How did you know, though?”

“Just because I drink constantly and do random drugs and kick ass in karate, doesn’t mean I’m fucking stupid, Eliza. You insult my genius mind by even suggesting it.”

“I didn’t suggest you were stupid, Jimmy, I just wondered how you would know that I would need you.”

“You came to New York, the last place you’d really seen Brian. You opened the door and no one was there except for you. You’re going to find a replacement for the bitch who had you raped and the drummer who actually raped you. You need someone here for you, and I’m the most obvious choice. Plus, you’re going to see Ellen DeGeneres. That bitch is hilarious and I am not missing her!”

She’d laughed at him and hugged him, thankful inside that he’d been so smart as to notice she’d need him, and they’d spent the night drinking and watching really horrible television shows, making fun of the lame girls on the reality shows. They fell asleep on the couch, and Eliza had woken up to her phone making an obnoxious noise a few hours later. They had spent the entire day after in meetings with the record company and they’d finally selected a manager. His name was Chris Evans and he had a wife and two children that he’d been with for almost ten years. He’d managed other bands before but said he’d heard what had happened with their previous manager, he wanted to help out in any way he could. Eliza honestly liked him, and he didn’t know who Amber Fleming which was the first thing Eliza had asked him.

“I just prefer other methods to invigorate my craziness.”

Eliza glanced at him again as she was brought out of her reverie. The back of his hair sticking straight up, the front pieces covering his face, the dark sunglasses, the skin-tight jeans and the almost loose-fitting t-shirt reminded her so much of why he was such influential person. She’d never understand the bond between the guys, but she was glad that she had them.

Thinking about the guys made her look away from Jimmy and she had to blink several times to stop herself from thinking of Brian. She glanced ahead and squinted behind her sunglasses. She noted the numbers on the building as she passed by and knew they were getting close.

Jimmy had begged her to come along to the shooting of the show and of course she couldn’t say no. Hunter and Dominic had also begged to come and were supposed to meet them there.

Suddenly, Jimmy threw his arm around her shoulders. He fell in step with her and she laughed at his antics.

They continued talking until Hunter and Dominic caught their attention. Eliza looked up and realized that they were at the building to start filming.

She said hello to them and they walked inside together. Immediately, they were greeted once they reached the level of Ellen’s show. Eliza was immediately separated from the boys as she was taken to hair and makeup.

She looked down at her clothes, the frayed, ripped, and acid-washed shorts with the studs on them, the Jack Daniels’ t-shirt, and her Nike shoes and realized they probably weren’t the best choice for going in front of a television audience. She scratched her head through her grey beanie and followed the stylist to the makeup room.

Sitting down in one of their chairs, she allowed them to poke and prod at her. They’d picked out a black pair of dress pants and a flowing black sheer-sleeved shirt. Her shoes were a bright red and they’d shown her some red jewelry, but she’d denied it, saying she wanted to keep her jewelry on. She conceded with them that she’d remove her bracelets, but the two necklaces and rings would stay.

Once her hair was curled and her makeup was done, she stood up to get dressed. Minutes later, after she’d come out of the room from changing, she was immediately onset with the image of Jimmy, Hunter, and Dominic all three talking to Ellen. Jimmy had just said something and Ellen was doubled over in laughter. She smiled at her friends and stepped forward, drawing their attention.



An hour later, she walked with Jimmy back to her apartment. With the promise to see them the next day, they’d waved goodbye to Hunter and Dominic and turned the opposite way to walk back towards the lot where Eliza had parked her rental car. She had been allowed to keep her clothes from the set and she was still wearing them.

When they got back to the apartment, Jimmy had immediately started packing his things.

“Where are you going?” Eliza asked, pausing in the middle of getting ingredients out to make dinner.

“I’ve got that party to go to tonight,” he said. “I wanted to be here for you, and I’ll come back, but I gotta go back so that I can play tonight.”

“Oh,” Eliza said, only.

“You should come back with me. I love it when you come to our shows. They’re more fun.”

“Thanks,” she said with a small smile. She didn’t feel like seeing Brian play guitar.

“Well, even though you’re not coming, you’ll be missed,” he said with a smile. “I really do wish you’d come. I think you’d love the party.”

Now he really had her attention. Not only had Katie hinted that she should come, but Val had text her while she was on the plane, asking if she was going to be back in time for it as well. Now, Jimmy was talking about it, too. Something just wasn’t right and she couldn’t put her finger on it.

As soon as she had shut the door after saying goodbye to Jimmy, she’d immediately rushed upstairs. With her phone pressed to her ear, she threw her clothes into her suitcases and quickly made up her bed. Thankfully, the airlines had a seat open on the next flight out, and she’d arrive in Huntington an hour and a half after Jimmy.

Once she was packed up, she immediately went through the routine of shutting down her apartment and shot the guys a text saying she had to leave tonight, that she would be back, and they’d have to push the auditions back a day. They’d whined a bit, but had both agreed and backed her a hundred percent.

She sat nervously on the plane the entire time. She knew the guys were up to something, but she didn’t know what. She shook her head. They could honestly be planning a party. A sudden thought overcame her. She remembered how they’d helped her join their own concert in order to get Brian back. She shook her head, though. There was probably a huge party at Johnny’s with everyone getting drunk again.

Still, it was curiosity that nagged her to press her foot down a little bit harder on the gas as soon as she got on the highway. She made it to Huntington in forty-five minutes, not as fast as she would’ve liked, but it was enough.



The guys were all outside in the back parking lot of Johnny’s Bar, getting ready. Brian was about to follow the rest of the guys inside when Jimmy stopped him.

“I wanna show you some shit before you go inside,” Jimmy said holding Brian’s arm.

Brian threw away his shortened cigarette and lit another one, moving closer to Jimmy as he pulled out his phone. After hitting a few buttons, Jimmy pulled up a video.

“I took this while we were on set at the Ellen Show. I think you should watch it,” Jimmy said, pressing play and handing it to Brian.

As he took a drag, Brian watched the characters come to life on the screen.

Ellen was sitting in a chair across from Eliza. Brian’s eyes were trained on Eliza as they went through some useless chatter. Her hair was curled and she was wearing a black outfit. Brian could see her red shoes and the smile on her face. The crowd was laughing at something.

“Why am I watching this?” Brian asked, looking at Jimmy.

“Just keep listening,” he said. “I’m surprised I was able to catch this shit on camera.”

Brian had a weird, sickening feeling in the bottom of his stomach but he turned his attention back to the phone in front of him, taking another drag of his Marlboro.

“I can’t help but notice that you like tattoos,” Ellen said, motioning to Eliza’s chest piece.

Eliza chuckled. “I do; I have six tattoos, now.”

“I also can’t help but notice your necklaces. I get what the obvious E stands for; Ellen.”

“Yes! How did you know?!” Eliza joked and the crowd chuckled.

“What I want to know is what the second chain is for?”

Eliza smiled fondly and she pulled the chain out from where it was tucked inside of her shirt. Dangling from the end of the chain was a small silver ring. With the not-so-great quality of the phone, Brian couldn’t make it out, but he felt his heart beating faster. Eliza started speaking, then.

“It’s an engagement ring, actually. I’m not engaged to the guy anymore, but I keep it close by to remind me.”

“Remind you of what?” Ellen asked after the crowd finished their “Aw”.

“That at one point I meant something to him and him to me. I keep it to ground myself when I catch myself floating away. I think of everything I’ve been through with him and why he and I aren’t together anymore and it just keeps me grounded.”

“So you keep it because of the bad memories?” Ellen asked, confused.

“No. I keep it for the good memories and the bad memories. I keep it so it reminds me to always guard my heart.”

“So would you ever get back with him?”

Eliza was quiet for a few minutes while she thought. “I think something life-altering would have to happen in order for me to say yes to him again.”

Brian tuned out the rest of the conversation. She still wore her engagement ring. At first, he was elated, and then he thought about how she said something “life-altering” would have to happen. He took a final drag of his cigarette and squinted at nothing in particular.

Blinking rapidly, he threw his cigarette butt on the ground and looked at Jimmy.

“I guess I’m just gonna have to do something life-altering, aren’t I?”