For My Sake

Amaryllis had become accustomed to life on the road, spending countless nights with Harry, encased in a bunk bed meant for one, their limbs entangled within each other. In her, he found many things, a confidant, a best friend and a lover but most of all a miracle. To her, he was god like, not just helping her, but her mother too. Harry sent regular checks to the Bacharach Rehabilitation center for her mother, who was making an attempt to be clean. He also wrote back and forth with her, but he would not compromise Amaryllis and told her mother Aileen, that she wouldn’t see Amaryllis until she was better than one hundred percent. If he had some sort of assurance, to leave her behind in Atlantic City, he wouldn’t dare to. Her life in the Destiny Inn, as he promised, was over.
The tour came to an end that November, things were poetic at best. One direction had reached a new level of fame, being dubbed the new beatles…and Amaryllis and Rue were together again when Louis flew her to Los Angeles. Rue had drank in the sight of Amaryllis with =admiration, her friend, the girl who lived on cereal bars and crap, was now thicker, her face fuller and her eyes…dazzling. She also had a new wardrobe, and the beauty of a smile as an accessory. The two girls went to the boardwalk the next day to catch up.
“Have you and Harry done it yet?” Her voice almost a whisper.
Amaryllis laughed. “No, almost…but no”
“Almost?” her voice was flat, her excitement deflated. “What in the hell does almost mean” she played with a strand of her blonde hair and then braided it.
“Almost as in we came close, it came close Rue” her smile was irreplaceable. “But calvery isn’t dead, and he told me he wants to wait”
Rue raised her brows “Harry Styles, wait? Something is very fishy here”
“No Rue, he’s just a gentleman”
----------------------------------

“I bet you feel obligated” it was the first time Harry had seen the woman in over a year, and for her to speak to him this way felt belittling. “Harry, have you found a charity case” Caroline’s usual sweet voice was like acid now, he hated her for saying that, for showing up out of the blue. Wasn’t she supposed to marry today, he thought to himself. She sat on the sofa, pulling the hem of her skirt a bit so it didn’t rise when she crossed one of her lean legs over the other. He leaned against the wall, his hands in his pockets, taking in her words that burned him and feeling the sizzle that left out his toes.
“You don’t know her story”
“I do Harry” she sipped on her mixed drink, raising her eyebrows at the taste. “I’ve read magazines, heard the news story. You put a tour on hold to aid her in recovery after her attack, you do work for the Bacharach center where her crack whore mother lives thanks to you…”she narrowed her eyes at him. “This girl has become a responsibility that you don’t need, and it isn’t your responsibility to help her crazy mother”
“Don’t talk like this, why are you here anyway?” he looked at her, his eyes wide with rage that wasn’t heard in his voice. Somehow, he resumed a calm demeanor.
“Because Harry, I refuse to let you make wrong decisions for someone who was destined to be nothing”
“Shut up Caroline” he hissed snatching the drink from her hands and tossing it, the glass cup shattered. A million shards flew across the cherry wood floor, Louis immediately ran down the stairs. “Harry, whats your problem” he looked at Harry, who had become flushed, then noticed Caroline.
“Louis go back upstairs” Harry responded.
“What.Is.She.Doing.Here” each word, long and hard. His usual smile, a flat line. Caroline Flack, the woman significantly older than Harry, and also the one who demanded things from him, sexually and mentally. No one understood why or even how she had such a hold on him.
“Missed you too Louis” Caroline smiled then flipped her long chestnut waves over a shoulder. “I was just telling Harry how his girlfriend is just a bad move”
“You would know a lot about bad moves wouldn’t you” Louis fired back.
“Enough” Harry raised his tone. “Louis leave us alone please” and much to his surprise Louis walked out of the front door. Caroline bit her bottom lip, something she knew always sent Harry to the deep end. And sure enough, he felt it grow inside of him, deep in his groin, desire. No! He stood up straight and rubbed his eyes. “Caroline, just go”
“Harry, you still want me….” she took off her blazer. “Why should I go? I’m making a point”
“Argue yourself to a coma” he grabbed her by the arm and stood her up to meet his eyes. “Get out” Caroline’s big blue eyes stared at him blankly, fear flashed for one second. He was salty, in a bad mood and she knew she was getting to him. As his grip on her arm loosened, she pressed her lips to his.
Harry stood, dumbfounded, but kissing her back. That was the only incentive she needed to carry on, her long fingers getting lost in his hair, his hands finding the small of her back. Her kiss was heavy and delicate and sweet, like caramel. It wasn’t long before her agression grew, and the anger he had turned quickly to passion. Peeling off her clothes, he had an internal war with himself. Sex with her would mean infidelity and if Amaryllis ever found out, they would be done for sure. The soft moans that came from her lips kept his inner devil and argument at bay. It had been months since he had sex with someone, and last time, it was her also, only after it happened, he hated himself to pieces for it.
“You really have to go now” Harry told her as she sat on the sofa, nude. He pulled on his pants and threw her clothes at her. “I’m serious” He walked out and went to his bedroom, watching from his window as she drove off in her blood red Audi.
An hour later, Harry sat on the sofa after cleaning the glass mess and he was picking at his skin with a pair of Amaryllis’ tweezers. There was glass in his side, a small piece. She came in soon after. “Babe what are you doing?” she put her bag and keys down and made her way over. Amaryllis was good at babying him, she’d go into super nurse mode when she sees his tear sodden eyes. She took the tweezers and began picking at his side, gently breaking the skin around the small red slit that gave away the story of broken glass. He made a small whimper sound, not from pain but self hate.
“Babe am I hurting you?” she stopped and put the tweezers down. Her eyebrows pulled together in concern, her lips kissing the wound.
“No” he managed. “Amaryllis its not that bad”
“So why are you crying” she wiped away a few tears then sat beside him on the deep sapphire couch. She pressed her forehead to his, a gesture that made him jerk his face away. “Harry?”
“Amaryllis…I did something unforgivable and I need you to leave”
Her eyes became small and dark. “What are you talking about? Are you drunk”
“No” he confessed to her. “I want you to see, to know, to appreciate, that you have been my miracle but I’m not worthy any longer. Im not sure if I ever was”
“Harry just shut it” she kissed him and looked at his bare chest, there was a small mark, similar to the one on his side. She pressed it with his finger. He yelped. “Glass there too? What on earth were you doing?”
“I dropped a glass cup” he told her.
“How?”
“Does it matter” he looked at her, so healthy looking, so alive, so beautiful. “Amaryllis, Caroline was here”
“Caroline Flack?” she had heard stories, just the thought of Caroline sent Amaryllis into a rage. “Why?”
“To talk”
“That’s all” she exhaled, closing her eyes. As if on que, she took note of the scratch on his shoulder. “It isn’t is it?”
“No” he looked down ashamed. “We had sex” immediately after, he felt Amaryllis’ hand against his face with a cold hard slap. She stood, her face paper white. After what seemed like a lifetime, he looked up at her. “Amaryllis I wish with all I am that I hadn’t done it”
“How could you”
“I just lost control…I’m sorry. I love you” he began a rant but she just held up her palm to silence him. He had been crying more, knowing that their end had come. “Amaryllis…”
“What you lost wasn’t control, it was me….” she turned and grabbed her bag and keys and walked out of the house. Never had the closing door sounded so loud.