Amor Vicissitudine

When we got to the hospital Sicily just about bolted to Jaime's room, I instead lagged behind, fearing his reaction when Sicily told him what we'd accidentally done.

The corridor to Jaime's room seemed to drawl on forever, the plain white walls were drowning out every other color that could possibly be near, making them seem so much lighter than they actually were.

My footsteps echoed off the walls as I walked, my dark hair brushing my shoulders softly. I sighed as I watched Sicily turn into Jaime's room. She was so thoroughly concerned with Jaime she'd barely relaxed since this morning in the shower. Even then she wasn't one hundred percent relaxed. Relaxed was last night, before she remembered about the birth control.

I let out a frustrated sigh as I went into Jaime's room to see Sicily already next to him, sitting on a chair and holding his hand.

Jaime was awake and looking around. He still wasn't in any condition to be told what Sicily wanted to tell him. He looked pale as the night before and he was breathing raggedly- although on his own it was no better than seeing him with the ventilator.

I scratched at the back of my head and walked into the room, next to Sicily, putting a hand on her shoulder while staring at Jaime .

It was weird being on this end of the hospital bed. I was so used to seeing people stare at me with that worried glint in their eyes. Now I know the pain that everyone felt when I would get hurt. Especially Jaime. When I would get hurt he'd be the first person here, hoping that I'd be okay and asking the nurses and doctors when I'd be able to go. He'd always like bring me stupid stuff like stuffed bears that had guitars or skateboards or something like that.

It really hurt to be standing here like this. It hurt really badly.

Seeing my little brother lying on the hospital bed with bandages over an ugly hole in his chest. It hurt so fucking badly. I want his pain to go away. I want my pain to go away.

I just want it all to fucking stop,

"Hey I'll be right back." I made a quick excuse to get out of the room and Jaime and Sicily just nodded to me.

As soon as I was out of the room I shut the door and walked down the hallway to the bathroom. I went inside and locked myself in the stall.

I didn't need Sicily to see me like this.

Tears began to slip freely down my face and I put my hand to my mouth to try and keep the sobs from escaping my lips. I let my body collapse onto the toilet and continued to sob.

I'd seriously fucked up their lives.

If they'd never met me none of this would have ever happened. Jaime wouldn't be shot, Sicily wouldn't be having to deal with the fear of possibly having a kid. Nobody would be here.

I wouldn't be waking up in the middle of the night, crying from dreams that I had prayed never come true. If I had just woken Ci up this morning I wouldn't have fresh burn marks on my fucking leg,

"Fuck!" I cursed loudly and kicked the door in front of me, making the stall shake violently.

I let my foot drop from the wall and leaned my head back on the wall behind me. As I sat there my hand slipped into my pocket and pulled out the small, blue, lighter from there.

I didn't even know why I'd brought it.

I started to light it, making the flame flick on and off before lifting my shirt just above my hip.

When I was younger people had always told me to stop cutting. So I did. I found a much less dangerous outlet instead. It wasn't like burning myself was going to kill me. If anything it just left a few scars that could be wiped away.

When I had the shirt up and out of the way I held the lighter close to my skin, feeling the heat of the blaze against my skin, and without a second thought I put the flame on my skin.

I needed anything to get away from the emotional pain.

I let the sound and smell of singeing flesh fill my nose and ears as the sensation flew through my body.

Every inch of me was saying 'No, Tony put the lighter down. You're bigger than this'. I knew I couldn't stop. It was an addiction that was going to kill me one day.

I let out a soft hissing sound as I felt the flame go deeper into my skin before finally ripping it away from my body. I dropped the lighter and stared at the ground for a while, letting the burning stop, before grabbing the lighter from the ground and going out of the stall.

When I was out I went to the mirror and looked at myself, sniffing quietly as I stared at my broken reflection. My eyes were red and irritated and my skin was pale as ever.

I ran some water and splashed it up onto my face, hoping it'd calm me down a little bit more and wake me up a little bit.

I sighed again and put the lighter back into my pocket, walking back to Jaime's room and rejoining Sicily. I hoped she didn't have a bloodhound's nose.