Amor Vicissitudine

I walked into the room, opening and closing the door as quietly as possible so I didn't wake Sicily. She'd had enough things to bug her, she didn't need to be woken from what would have kept her calm.

I walked over to our dresser and took my shirt off, dropping it in the hamper next to the small stack of drawers. I let out a soft sigh and turned, looking at Sicily; She was sprawled out on the bed, having one arm across the bed and the other was next to her face on the small, white pillow.

I ran my hand through my hair and scratched the back of my head before sitting on the mattress next to Sicily. I placed my hand on her shoulder and let my thumb trace invisible lines into her skin. At the feeling of my hand she turned to face me.

She looked so tired, so wasted. So gone.

I guess she was just tired of everything that had been happening lately. I would be too, if I were pregnant,

"Hey, baby." I lay down where I was sitting and wrapped my arms around her shoulders, holding her close to me.

She placed her hand on my chest, as though she was feeling for my heart beat. Her forehead rested on my neck and she kissed my collarbone, so softly I almost thought I had imagined her lips in my skin,

"Promise me, you won't leave." Her voice was a low whisper and she let one of her arms wrap around me waist. I squeezed her lightly and put my chin on top of her head.

"Never."

I wasn't too sure about it though. I was barely able to provide for myself. There was no way I would be able to take care of Sicily, Alexandra and I. There was no way. Not without help, at least.

Sure Jaime could pitch in and keep me stable but it wasn't likely. Xander wasn't going to help, that was a given. Diego might help. But that was even more unlikely than Jaime. Jaime's mom would definitely help.

I didn't want to have to ask any of them for help at all. I was old enough to try and do this on my own. But I didn't need things crashing through the floor during this whole deal.

I needed a way out.

And fast.

I leaned my head away from Sicily's and kissed her forehead. I could wait until the baby was born.

No! Tony stop thinking like that! Sicily needs you! You can't be doing this to her!

Oh shut up, I can't do this either.

You can try?

My brain needs to stop talking to itself.

I let out a soft sigh and lay with Sicily like that until I couldn't hold my eyes open anymore, giving in to the monster called sleep.

*~*~*

I opened my eyes and I was standing in Jaime's house, outside the room I shared with Sicily. Jaime was standing next to me, pounding on Sicily's door, calling her name,

"Sicily! Sicily, I'm sorry! I tried, okay?! I tried!" Jaime was pleading through her door and I could hear her crying through it,

"I don't fucking CARE, Jaime!" She screamed, her voice cracking as she sobbed, "You didn't care! Tony never cared! You fucking left me on my own! And now Tony's left me and our DAUGHTER alone!" There was a soft clicking sound that came from within the room,

"Sicily?" There was a pause, "Si-" Before I could get another word out of my mouth a loud blast sounded from inside,

"SICILY!" I tried the doorknob, praying to myself she hadn't done what I'd thought she'd done. It was locked, "SICILY NO!" I couldn't control myself as tears streamed down my cheeks, "Fuck! Sicily! Please!" I worked the door a little bit harder, my heart pounding in my chest at what I might find on the other side of the wooden plank, " Fuck, no." I moaned as the door began to loosen.

I finally got the door open and what I found was not what I had wanted to see.

Sicily was lying on her side, awkwardly, a small handgun in her right hand and a puddle of blood underneath her head.

I stumbled over next to her body and my knees gave way, making my body weight collapse onto the carpet. When my legs hit the blood-soaked carpet they made a disgusting splattering noise. I reached down and grabbed the hair that covered her face, pushing it aside.

Tears had stained her face and were being mixed with the blood that flowed from the hole in her temple.

Aside from the gaping wound she looked calm.

I placed my hand on her cheek and wiped away some of the blood and tears as I cried over her dead body. This couldn't be happening.

This was all my fault. As I tried to convince myself that she was just messing around the paramedics came into the room, tearing me away from her,

"I love you." Before they got me away from her that was all I could bring myself to say.

I rubbed my forehead, trying to wipe the image of Sicily laying like that out of it. She didn't deserve this, she had been such a wonderful person. She should have lived for so much longer.

I stepped out of the room and leaned back against the wall, sliding to the ground so I was sitting. Jaime came up from the downstairs area, holding Alexa in his arms.

I looked up at him and all I saw was Sicily,

"Do you want to hold your daughter?" Jaime offered to let me quiet Alexa, as she was crying.

I nodded and he sat next to me, handing me Alexandra. Once she was in my arms I studied her closely, for the first time since she had been born, last month.

She had dark hair, it wasn't quite black but it was darker than just brown that was curly and long on her head. Her eyes were of the deepest blue one could find, I'd always wanted to have a kid with blue eyes. She was beautiful.

She looked just like Sicily.

I lifted her so U could place a soft kiss on her forehead,

"Sshhhh, You're okay, Alexa." My voice was so low it could almost not be heard.

*~*~*

I gasped and shot up in my bed. My body was covered in sweat and I was breathing heavily. My eyes were wide and staring into the darkness as my chest rose and fell rapidly with my uneven breathing. I pushed my hair off of my forehead as I stared into space.

That couldn't happen.

'No. Sicily isn't going to do that.' My mind kept trying to convince me that that was impossible, but the pounding in my heart told me otherwise.

My eyes shot to my left to where Sicily still lay, pregnant and sleeping on the bed.

I calmed my breath and stared at her for a moment, 'See? She's fine. You're fine. Everyone is fine.'

Okay I guess you're right.

I let out a sigh and rubbed my face before laying on my side and grabbing Sicily in my arms, kissing the back of her neck softly.

Oh God, this is paradise.