Status: Updates will be SLOW but she's ACTIVE

Amor Vicissitudine

Bonus Chapter: Cry Me a River. Because I Cried a River Over You.

I walked through the house, trying not to let the memories get to me. I could almost hear Sicily’s laughter echoing off the walls as I walked through the hallways. God I missed that sound.

Jaime had Alexa with him at his mom’s house and had left me to drive here on my own. I was still dressed in my suit from the funeral. I sighed and wandered through the hallways, hoping she was around the corner, waiting for me with a plate full of breakfast, or holding just a sheet around herself. It was hopeless, really. I knew she was never going to come back. She was never going to be there for our daughter. She wouldn’t be in our wedding. We wouldn’t be having a wedding. Her dress would be arriving soon. I had no idea what it looked like, but whatever it was it would have been beautiful on her.

I listed through the house, stopping in the nursery and just staring at everything. We’d worked so hard to make it perfect for Alexa. And it was. I just wish Sicilia was here to share it with me.

The walls of the room were painted pink and blue, alternating walls. A crib sat in the corner, empty and forlorn, painted a dull white with a mobile hanging lazily over it. Next to it sat a dresser that had assorted baby clothes that Jaime's mother had given to Sicily as a gift. And next to that was a chest that was filled with toys and stuffed animals for Alexa to play with. Though I doubted she would ever touch them. She would barely spend any time in this house.

Truth be told I wasn’t willing to hold onto Alexa for more than a year. I knew Sicily would be in her and I knew I wouldn't be able to take not having her really be there. It would drive me to do things I wouldn’t normally do. I’d probably slip back into my old habits, cutting, burning, life would get miserable. No matter how much Alexa made it better it would still be horrible.

I sighed and sat down on the white carpet floor. We took out the hardwood for fear of when Alexa started to get adventurous and climb out of the crib and hitting her head on it. The carpet was a step closer to safe than the hardwood but it still wasn’t the safest. I crossed my legs and let my hands sit in the pit between my crotch and my legs as my elbows rested on my thighs.

I sighed again and stared at the ceiling and the different things we had put up on the walls. Above her crib there was the first photo taken of Sicily, Alexa and I. Sicily was laying on her hospital bed and I was next to her, my arm over her head while Alexa was in her arms. I stood up and went to look at the photo. I grabbed it off the wall and studied it for a moment. The light was gleaming in through the window, casting rays over our faces in such a way that made the photo seem older than it was. I took a deep breath and let my arms drop, the photo slipping from my fingers and hitting the floor with a soft thud.

I leaned down and picked it up, hanging the small photo back in it’s place. My heart sat heavy in my chest as I stared at the ground.This would be hard, not just living with the constant reminder that Sicilia isn’t in my life, but also having the constant reminder that I was the reason that she is gone.

I rubbed my face and turned away from the nursery, walking up to my bedroom on the second floor. Once inside I took my suit jacket off and then stripped myself of my shirt and pants. I walked into the bathroom and tossed my dirty clothes in the hamper before turning the water on and putting my hand beneath its flow, feeling the warm water sprinkle over my fingers. I removed the remaining little bit of clothing I had on and stepped inside.

I let out another sigh and reached into the drawer closest the shower, pulling out the spare razor blades that I had in there. One of them slipped out easily into my palm and I tossed the rest into the drawer.

I hadn’t done something like this since we found out Sicily was pregnant.

I sighed and shook my head, thinking this was a bad idea. But I needed to get away from the pain of being the reason my fiance` killed herself.

I hit my tipping point and pressed the blade to my forearm, sliding the thin bit of metal across my skin, creating a clean line in one of my tattoos. The crimson red of the blood flowed down my arm, dripping off my fingers into the water that was swirling around my feet.

It flowed into the drain and was never to be seen again.

I backed into the wall behind me and let myself slide down the wall until I was sitting in the way of the water. Tears began to spill from my eyes as I just sat there staring at my knees. I wiped away some of the tears as they feel, trying not to smear blood on my face as it drained from my arm. I sniffed and felt the water as it dripped into my body and into my wound. I felt completely empty, worthless. I didn’t feel like I deserved to even be alive. But I knew I had to stay alive. I can’t orphan Alexa. I have to stay alive for my daughter. And for this band. I have to stay.

There are people out there waiting to hear your story. You have a daughter waiting for you to come pick her up from her uncle’s house. Anthony get off your ass and stay alive for your daughter.

I sighed and grabbed the edge of the shower door, pulling myself to my feet. Once up I wobbled slightly before walking out of the shower and dropping the blade on the ground. I walked to my room and grabbed my phone, calling Jaime.

“Tony? Are you ready to come get Alexa?” I almost couldn’t answer him. I felt so weak,

“J-Jaime, can you actually come get me?” I paused and fell on the bed staring blankly at the ceiling,

“Tony, is everything okay?” I shook my head, forgetting he can’t see me. I swallowed heavily as I felt the blood begin to seep into the comforter, warming my leg,

“N-no. I’m bleeding.” I could almost see him freeze up on the other side of the phone,

“Tony, did you hurt yourself?” The tears began to spill from my eyes as I stared at the ceiling,

“I-I’m sorry, Jaime.” I apologized weakly and James could be heard shuffling with his phone on the other end, “I’m so sorry.”

“Tony, stop apologizing, I’ll be there in fi-” Jaime's voice faded so I couldn't hear it as I passed out, the blackness of sleep overcoming me.

---------------------------------------------------

“Tony! Anthony!” I shouted into my phone as I tried to get him to respond.

“Jaime, what’s wrong? Is everything okay?” My mother came in from the other room, carrying Alexa in her arms,

“I think Tone tried to kill himself again.” Panic began brewing in the pit of my stomach as I nearly ran out of the house, shouting my answer back to my mother, “Can you watch Alexa tonight?” When I reached my car I turned back to her and saw her nod.

I got into my car and started the engine, driving from my mother’s house back to my own house that I was currently sharing with Tony and Alexa.

The drive was longer than I remember it being but in that span I was able to call the hospital and tell them that I was bringing someone in and despite their offer to call an ambulance I stuck with driving Tony myself. He never liked ambulances. He’d spent too much time in his life riding too and from the hospital in them. He never liked them, being too sterile and too white and blinding.

When I got to the house I ran inside to find Tony laying on the bed, his left arm bleeding out into a puddle of blood.

“Tony,” I walked next to him and grabbed his shoulders, shaking them softly, “Tony, are you okay?”

A low grumble came from his throat as he tried to communicate with me. I sighed and pulled him so he was hanging on my shoulder by his arm,

“Hang on Tone, I’ll have you back in a little bit.” I walked with him like that out to my car and got him, with some difficulty, into the passenger’s side before going around to the driver’s side and driving him to the hospital.

When I reached the large white building I parked just out from of the Urgent Care Center and ran inside, telling the nurse at the station about the situation. She immediately called a group of nurses to come out and help me with him.

Once he was on the stretcher and inside I stopped and stared at the ground. I sighed and walked inside, giving the nurse Tony’s information and what he had done. They took him somewhere deep into the sterile, white catacombs of the hospital and I was to see him no more for the rest of the day.

He needed to stop this. He needed to be stronger. He has a daughter that he needs to be there for. And if he wasn’t strong enough to hold himself up he shouldn’t have had a daughter.

I sighed and rubbed my face. Right now I’m driving back to my mother’s house to pick Alexa up and take her back to my house. My car’s window was open and the radio was playing softly in the background. The singer was talking about a girl and the way he remembered the way she would always be so strangely spontaneous. I sighed and watched the city lights as they whizzed by, blurring together in an oddly harmonious way.

I just wish everything would go back to the way it had been so many years ago. Before Tony and Sicily had met.

I want my little sister back.
♠ ♠ ♠
Well? Did you guys miss this one? I thought I may as well give you guys a little treat for putting up with my stupid lateness and my you know, failure to launch the second book in the series. But yeah, a little extra bit for you guys that's gonna be in the published version. Hope you guys liked it! There won't be anymore on this one after this chapter <3