Don't You Dare Let Go

“Woah! Look at that one over there!” My mother says in awe, pointing over at one of the many sparkling fireworks popping in the midnight air. I look over at her instead of the various crackles in the sky and smile, nuzzling my tiny head onto her chest, her arm finding its way around my shoulder. Compared to my mother, I was like an ant. A itty-bitty ant next to a big, fluffy dog, just like Sally, our great Golden Retriever waiting for us at home.

“Hey mom?” I look over at her and ask, pushing my head back so I could see her, even though my view was upside down.

She directs her attention from the fireworks to me and says, “What is it, honey?” In the moment, with all the lights flashing behind her, I could see how naturally beautiful my mom was. Her chestnut brown hair flowed in the air that was just barely there and every time a slight wave of wind passed by, her bangs would flutter over her forehead playfully. With every crack of a firework, a new mix of colors would light up the sky and illuminate her eyes, showing the brightest shade of blue. I could see why daddy fell in love with her. She's gorgeous, even at an older age.

“How excited do you think these fireworks are?” I ask her, showing my wide smile to the person I loved. I felt like the happiest thirteen-year-old ever, laying here with my mom, sharing this amazing experience together.

She tips her head to the side and looks off at the flickering lights from the highways in our hometown of Tempe, Arizona, just a few miles from the hill we were sitting on with everyone else, watching the show from the best seat in the house. She purses her lips with a slight smile pulling at the sides of her mouth and says, “Well, I'm pretty sure they are. You see that one right there?” She points over at one in the shaped of a flower, blooming with what looked like millions of tiny little sparks. I nod, following her gaze. “That one is shaping itself into what it wants to be the most. It's turning into a flower, just like it wanted. Now you see, all you have to do to shape yourself into what you want to be, you just have to follow you dreams and be, well...a firework. Follow your dreams like that firework follows the stars.”

Before another word escaped her mouth, small parts of her started to fade slowly, like pixels in a computer. “Momma?” I say confused, gripping onto her quickly diminishing arms. They simply just fall out of my grasp as there became nothing left to hold.

“Never forget what I said. Don't forget your dreams..” She whispers, her voice disappearing with the rest of her body. “I love you, never forget that either...” That was the last thing she said before vanishing completely.

“Mom!” I scream, not even thinking about everyone else around me, but when I looked around, no one was even paying attention. It's as if to them this wasn't even happening. How could they not see that she had just disappeared into thin air? My mother was gone! “Momma!” I cried, laying my face on the ground. Tears were pouring quickly out of my eyes and onto the dried up grass beneath me. This is not happening. My mom would never do that to me.. “Where are you!” I scream, hitting my hands on the grass in anger.

“WHERE ARE YOU!”

I rouse myself awake and my eyes shoot open immediately. My heart is beating like crazy and my breathing was heavier than it had ever been before. This dream was somehow worse than the last, even though it was the same. They all were because of the person they were about. I couldn't hold my emotions back anymore. I'd done it to many times before and so I just let my tears fall. That grabbed the attention of Andrew, who came instantly to my side for comfort.

He holds my wrists to try to stop them from shaking so badly. He looks me in the eyes and asks, “Was it another dream about your mother?” I nod my head slowly, pursing my lips together and closing my eyes so that the tears might just stop, which they don't. I nudged my head into Andrew's chest and he rocked me back and forth, trying to calm me down. I heard the other guys ask what was wrong, but he just told them, “Not right now.”

It was nice to know that Andrew was always there for me when these dreams came around. I could never escape the continuous dream about my mother. She had passed away when I was thirtee in a brutal shooting. She was going out to pick groceries up one second and then the next, we were getting a visit from the police, telling us the news as best as they could. After the accident, I just shut myself away from the world until a few years ago. The years that followed after her death were inevitable because my mom was my role model and not having her around anymore was harder for me than I can explain. She was always there for me and then poof. She's gone, just like that. When the guys came around with their band and I met them at one of their local shows, that I made myself go to for my own good, considering I hadn't been out in forever. I met them at the bar and ever since then, they've helped me to cope with my mother's death. Mostly Andrew though. He always said he was only one phone call away and he was. If I needed him at any time of night or day, he'd be there with a movie or just the will to listen.

You know what would be better? My mom still being alive. If only I could have known and told her how much she meant to me before she died. I guess now that my chance is no longer available, all I have now is to hope that I was nice the day of her shooting.

No matter how much I wanted to sit out today, I knew that I had to get through it just as I had many times before. I've learned to not let it ruin my days anymore, but it's still hard sometimes.

My thoughts are interrupted by Chase who slams the door after him and the rest of the guys hop out, now that we were at the venue. It was just Andrew and I, him still holding me tightly and me still sniffling into his shirt. I looked up at him, wiped my face and said, “I think I need some food. Food always fills the empty holes in my heart, anyway...” I hear Andrew chuckle from behind, following me out of the van as we both get out. I wipe my nose with the end of my jacket, as well as my eyes. I didn't want to look like I was post-depression or something.

Unfortunately, the guys of both The Maine and the other band, A Rocket To The Moon all start to head towards the venue. I see John step off the bus shakily and Garrett, following behind him, steadies him. They both look over and notice me with my puffy eyes and all. Well fuck.

John looks away, focusing back on his hangover, I assume, and Garrett looks over at me and mouths, “Are you okay?” I nod, smiling slightly to let him know that “everything was fine.” Well, it wasn't right now, but it would be in an hour or so. I just hoped I wouldn't have to explain myself later..

“You ready to go and get some grub?” Andrew asks me as I turn back to look at him.

“Can we just go? Just us two, please? I need silence the other guys are anything but quiet. You on the other hand, you know how to shut up.” I laugh, walking back towards the van. I swing open the back doors of the carrier in the back that holds not only all of their merch and equipment, but our suitcases. I look back at Andrew and shoo him away from my hand, letting him know that I need to change and in private. He understands and walks into the venue, telling me just to come get him when I am done, before walking inside.

I unzipped my bag and rummaged through my things until I came across what was the perfect outfit for today or at least felt like it. It was still hot here in California, but breezy enough to where the dark washed denim dress that I had pulled out. It had a skinny light brown belt already wrapped around the middle, just like I had left it before packing it away and it was my favorite because of the cut of shoulders and the thick, but girly collar that hung unbuttoned together at the top. The buttons going down to the end of the dress, however, were buttoned, of course. I paired it with a pair of light brown suede moccasins. I quickly slipped into it all inside the van and then once I was finished, retrieved my tiny mirror from my bag to look over my hair. It was held up in a messy bun on top of my head, which I immediately took down. I shook my hair out and was satisfied when it looked nice, just the way I liked to style my hair.

Usually, I'd take a shower the night before, then I'd wake up the next morning, brush my hair out and leave it as it was as loose and long brown curls that fell down to nearly my waist.

I ran my fingers through my bangs once more and headed towards the venue, locking up the van before doing so. Just as I was about to grab the handle, the door swung open abruptly and I fell back, hitting my butt hard on the pavement. Well now my ass hurts really bad, so thanks to- oh wow.

I look up at a worried John, reaching his hands out for me to hold onto so that he could hopefully pick me up, which is what he did when I stopped sneering at him. “You'll pay for this!” I chuckle, shaking my finger at him as I wipe the back of my dress off with my other hand. I secretly held my butt because of how much it hurt. A thousand cuss words still ran rapidly through my head and I was trying so hard not to let one slip, because I'm 99 percent sure I fell on a piece of broken glass. If not, then it just hurt so bad that my ass punctured itself.

Wait..what? Oh god, I need to stop because nowadays my thoughts are starting to wander all over the place.

“How about I take you to breakfast and I'll pay, as a way of saying sorry. I kind of need it, anyway.” He laughs, running his fingers through his light brown hair, pushing it back away from his face. He bites his lip casually and glances down at the ground before looking up at me slightly. I'm sure I'm not th only girl whose knees buckle when John does things like that. I mean, he is the lead singer and god, did he know how to look good all the time.

“Yeah, that would actually be great, but-” I stop myself immediately and my mind starts racing with thoughts of bailing Andrew. I don't mean leave without him knowing, but just tell him that we'd go another time. Yeah, that'd be fine, right?

His expression goes from calm to confused. He raises one eyebrow and says, “But what?” He smirks at me and it was that simple action that made me decide.

I rack my mind for something to say to cover up for me almost saying I was already going with someone else and I find nothing. Thankfully, something pops into my head before a very awkward amount of silence comes over us both. “I have a packed schedule. I'm afraid I just can't fit you in..” I trail off, turning away to walk back towards the bus, walking a few steps before turning back with a smirk spread across my face. “Oh look, a spot opened up.” I walk back to him, whose smiling back at me, which makes me feel better, considering how dumb I thought I'd look doing that.

“Good, because I'm really hungry and I was starting to think you'd be harder to ask out.”

This time, I'm the one raising my eyebrow at him. “Ask out? What, like on date? Oh please, you are not my type.” As I look from his head to his toes, I try to rack my brain for reasons to not be attracted to him and of course, I came up with nothing. I roll my eyes at him and huff with a hint of sarcasm in my voice, looking away at something behind him or to be more correct, someone. John notices me looking and he also turns. I tell John to give me a minute and so he does. He steps back a little and waits patiently as I walk over to Andrew.

“Hey, you ready?” He smiles, looking me up and down with a smile. “You look great..and you look like you're feeling better too, which I'm glad to see.”

“Yeah, I am actually, but..” I pause, fiddling my hands around nervously.

He sighs before saying, “But you'd rather go to breakfast with him.” He points over at John, who's still standing there- awkwardly, who thankfully had his back turned so he didn't see Andrew acknowledge him. “I'm right, aren't I?” To my surprise, he chuckles and for that I am so relieved. I always knew that Andrew wasn't one to get mad, even over little things like that, but just to see he was cool with it made me feel better.

“Rain check, though? I still want have some quality Zena and Andrew time! I just want to get to know everyone here on this tour and I think this is a good start.” I laugh, smiling up at him as relief floods over me. He nods his head, still smiling at me warmly before turning around after a long moment of silence and heading back inside. Once Andrew's gone, I turn back to John and say, “Shall we?”

He just laughs, catching up with me as I make my way down the sidewalk and once he's beside me, he says, “So what happened to not being able to fit me in your schedule or not being your type? Slight change of heart, maybe?” He smirks, waiting for my reply as we neared the small Village Inn not far down the road.

I give a smirk back, cocking my head to the side and shrug my shoulders high up to my jaw as I say in a sarcastic tone, “Maybe.”