Wine After Whiskey

FLASHBACK

Tessa held the plastic white stick in her left hand and the edge of the bathroom counter in her right. Her world suddenly became very complicated and now more than ever she wanted to throw up. She couldn’t be, she had school and James and a life. She wasn’t ready for this.

From the other side of the bathroom door James knocked softly, trying to pull on the handle and open the door, but it was to no avail as she had locked it. Letting go of the counter and resting up against the wall, tears formed in her blue eyes as she tried to ignore James who was trying to get into her bathroom.

“Tess, please let me in.” he whispered, placing his ear against the cold, hard wood of the door and listening in for any movement inside of the small washroom. After they waited for almost ten minutes on her bed, for the test to give them their fate, Tessa had quietly said she had wanted to see it for herself first; almost twenty minutes later, she was still in there and James was beginning to get worried. He knew it probably wasn’t good news.

The white door slid open and slowly a usually cheerful, nineteen year old Tessa Mitchell walked out of the room and past James, sitting on the bed. Her eyes were red, still brimmed with tears as she buried her head into a pile of blankets and let out a gut-wrenching cry that made James just wanted to hold her while everything was let out. This was the moment that things began to change.

Peering into the small bathroom, the pregnancy test was still on the counter, sitting face up with two pink lines mocking him. Sitting in her room for almost a half-hour while she waited in the bathroom, had allowed him to memorize what exactly one line and two line meant. Two was positive.

He let out a deep sigh, running his hands through his short, dyed blonde hair, and returned next to her on the bed. Tessa was still shaking as he pulled her into his arms and hugged her small framed body. Her whole body shook as she cried into his Plymouth Whalers sweatshirt. After a couple minutes more of deep crying, she finally wiped away the last of the tears and rested her head on his chest.

“I‘m sorry.” she mumbled, sniffing back.

“It’s okay, I can always wash this sweatshirt.” James tried to incorporate a bit of humor into the situation, even though it probably wasn’t a time for laughs. Despite the past couple of hours, she let out a laugh yet her smile was still sad. “No, baby. I’m sorry.” he apologized, kissing her forehead and thinking about how this was all his fault. He knew the condom had broke as soon as it happened, but being in the heat of the moment, he ignored it and continued on what he was doing. If he had just stopped, they wouldn’t be in this predicament; but he didn’t let Tessa know that little bit of information.

After a while, Tessa finally fell asleep to the soft rhythmic beating of James’s heart. They didn’t speak anymore of their ‘predicament’ and tried to talk about everything other than. It was deep into the night before Tessa even woke back up again, by then James’s warm spot beside her was ice cold, and he wasn’t in her room anymore. Her apartment was silent and on the kitchen counter was a note, written in James’s messy scrawl.

Tess, I’m sorry. I love you so much, but I needed a little bit of air and space. I went back to Plymouth a couple of days early, but as soon as I get a chance to be back I will. I’ll call you in a couple of days, just give me a bit of time to get everything sorted out. I just need a little bit of time to think for myself. Don’t forget I love you, and I’ll talk to you in a few days.

- James

She stared down at the ripped piece of notebook paper disbelievingly. Wasn’t it just a couple hours before that he was taking everything okay? Maybe she should have talked to him and seen how he was taking it instead of being selfish and thinking just about herself. In a way, she realized he probably needed his time too. Still, the fact that he had left without saying goodbye hurt her a lot.

____

It had been almost two weeks since James had heard Tessa’s voice. As soon as he returned back to Plymouth, he became busy with hockey and dealing with the emotions of now expecting a child. When he finally called her, it took three calls before she finally picked up, her voice sounded tired and annoyed; not at him, just at everything in general.

“I’m sorry, Tess.” he finally spoke over the receiver. There was a rustling of papers in the background and he realized he probably caught her at a bad time. She mumbled something about it being okay, and then the line fell silent again. “Are you mad at me?” he asked cautiously, holding the receiver of the phone pressed close to his ear as he tried to make-out the warped voices in the background.

“No.” She replied simply and then covered her side of the voice, muting everything she was saying to the person in her apartment.

“You have every right to be.”

“I’m not James, okay?” she asked, the raise of annoyance in her voice. “Do you want me to be mad at you? Do you want me to be pissed and tell you I want you the fuck out of my life? Is that want you want? Tell me what you want James. Tell me what you want.” She was mad. In the background, a female voice told her to calm down and to breathe, that everything was going to be okay; it was her mom.

“I just thought--” She cut him off before he could finish his thought.

“James, if you want to bow out of everything. Bow out. Do it now, right now. Let me know what you want. You leave for two freaking weeks and don’t give me the time of day to call or let me know you’re okay, or what you’re thinking. I’m sitting here thinking you’ve just left and didn’t want to bother to man up to it. Two fucking weeks I sat by my phone in hopes you’d call, and now I wish you hadn’t. Yes, I’m mad at you, I’m pissed, infuriated, frustrated everything at you. I’m also mad at everything. I’m mad at school, I’m mad at my job, I’m mad at this fucking baby I don’t want. I’m just mad, and the fact that you pull this bullshit ‘let’s leave for two weeks, and leave Tessa high and dry’ deal really infuriated me even more. So is that what you wanted to hear?” James was stunned. Sure, Tessa cursed like a sailor, but this time her cursing was different. She had a fire behind her, she was more than pissed. He took a deep breath, and heard her softly crying in the background, the last thing he had wanted to do was make her cry, again.

“Please don’t cry, baby. Please.” he begged, willing himself not to cry also.

“Just tell me what you want James. If you’re not ready for this, okay. But let me know so I’m not expecting you to be here for doctor’s appointments, and baby showers, and shopping days. Let me know what you want. I want to know. Either way I won’t be hurt. I know you’re busy right now, and you need to make the decision for yourself. You need to decide what’s best for yourself and I don’t want to force a child onto you and ruin your life. Let me know, and let me know now.” Her voice was full of pure seriousness, and he knew she wasn’t kidding about an answer.

He would’ve been lying if he hadn’t said to himself, more than once in the past two weeks that he wasn’t ready for this, and didn’t want this ‘job’. He would’ve been lying if he hadn’t thought to himself that he was going to call up Tessa and let her know he wasn’t ready for it. He hadn’t because he loved Tessa- and now his child- more than the world itself. He had fallen in love with Tessa on the first day of sixth grade when she was sitting on the swings during recess, her red hair braided into pigtails, and wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs t-shirt. She was by herself, and James had went up to introduce himself, being an un-ladies man, he had fumbled through his words, making Tessa laugh. Eventually through their recess days, they had became close friends and began dating their sophomore year of high school; the rest of the story had just been pure history.

He knew he wouldn’t give up. It just wasn’t the way he was. He also knew it would be hard, but James was always up for a challenge.

“Tell me when I need to come back to Toronto, and I’ll be there. Give me the days of your doctor’s appointments, and baby shower, and ‘shopping days’. I’ll be there. Whatever I have to do, I’ll be there. I promise.” His emotions got the best of him, and on the phone he began crying. “I love you and I love the baby. Our baby. I want to do this right.” The rush of emotions from the past two weeks rushed through him, and a small chuckle was let out by Tessa on the other line, James’s cheeks twinged with heat, realizing how emotional he was becoming of everything and started to laugh too. Things were going to be rough; he knew. But it would be definitely worth it.

“I love you too, James. I need to go now, okay? I have a test tomorrow in nursing and I need to make sure I study for it. I’ll give you a call tomorrow, alright?” James agreed and they both said their goodbyes. Wiping his hands across his face that still had small tears on it, he shook his head. The past two weeks had been something.

James had made his promise though. He would be there for everything for Tessa, whether she liked it or not, he planned. But ultimately would he end up fulfilling and going through with his promise or would he just be another dead-beat? He could only hope, at twenty years old, that it wouldn’t be the second. He was going to do whatever he could to be the best dad in the world.