Status: Completed
Someone Like You
Someone Like You
The train ride back to Doncaster was one of the longest I’ve ever been on. It gave me way too much time to think about the shit I was in, and (of course) there were a handful of teenage girls in my car, who kept staring at me and whispering loudly. My mobile kept buzzing with texts – from Lottie and Fizzy, from Eleanor, from Harry, and even my Mum. And then there were the texts from people who I hadn’t spoken to since school, most of which were rather nasty. I ended up turning my mobile off and shoving it in my bag, desperately trying not to cry in public.
I realized then that I had cried more in the past three months than I had in the past three years. Lovely.
Hanging out with One Direction was a lot more emotional that I had originally thought.
When I finally got home, it was nearing midnight. I was exhausted and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my own bed and sleep forever. But, it seemed I couldn’t even do that.
“Dad?” I asked, as the familiar face approached me and hugged me in greeting.
“Hello, sweetheart,” he said, giving me a comforting smile and taking my bag from me.
“I thought Mum was coming to get me?”
“Apparently, there are quite a few girls gathered outside the house,” he said, after hesitating a moment. “Your mum thinks it might be a good idea if you come stay with me for a bit. At least until this whole thing blows over.”
I winced. “You and mum have talked about all this...you know what’s happened?”
“Of course we do,” he replied easily as we arrived at his car. “Nicola gave us a call as soon as this whole thing blew up this morning. And then Louis called us just a few hours ago while you were on the train.”
I didn’t say anything, just waited for the inevitable lecture that was sure to come.
“Jane,” My dad said, squeezing my shoulder. “You know that your mum and I love you no matter what. And frankly, you’ve gotten yourself into worse situations than this. Remember when you stole your granddad’s old car to drive you and Louis to get ice cream? You were twelve and could barely see over the steering wheel, which completely explains why you ran off the road into the cow pasture.”
I blushed at the memory. “Yeah...sorry about that.”
“Don’t apologize to me, I feel sorry for the cows. This whole thing, though” he continued. “It’s not your fault that there were girls on the floor videotaping you. You shouldn’t have to worry about things like that. I don’t blame you for any of this.”
“Louis does,” I sighed, as we left the station and headed home...well, to my Dad’s flat.
“You know you’re brother can be a bit touchy at time,” Dad replied. “Just give him some time and it will blow over.”
“You didn’t see his face though, Dad. I’ve never seen him so angry at me before. And then Niall punched him and-”
“Niall punched him? Niall? The little Irish one?”
“You know which one Niall is, Dad,” I replied, but couldn’t help but chuckle at his surprise.
“Why did he punch Louis?”
My laughter quickly disappeared. “Well...I think it maybe have been because...well, Louis called me a whore.”
My dad nearly drove off the road.
“Your brother did what?”
“Really, Dad, I deserved it though. I mean, I was messing about with his best mate, after all.”
“JJ,” he said sternly, angrily watching the road. “I don’t care if you were working the Red Light District in Amsterdam - ”
“Dad!”
“Your brother should never, ever say things like that to you. When he gets home, he’s going to be grounded.”
I didn’t try to tell him that grounding a 20 year old multi-millionaire was easier said than done. The rest of the ride home was pretty silent, except for a few questions from Dad about my favorite parts of tour and me asking how the girls were doing. When we finally arrived at his flat and he helped bring my things to his guest room, I told him I was turning in for the night, too exhausted to do anything else.
“Right, well, I just have to ask, JJ, since I’m your Dad and all...” he started awkwardly. But, I need to know in order to sleep tonight. You’ve been, you’ve been safe right? I mean, using protection and all? I love you darling, but I’m not ready to be a granddad yet.”
I blushed profusely. This was not the kind of conversation one likes to have with their dad.
“I’m still a virgin,” I muttered and he began to turn red. “Harry and I we never...you know...did it.”
“Oh, right,” he coughed. “Okay. Good. Well. Good night.” And then he ran away, leaving me to stand alone in the boring guest room of his bachelor pad flat, wondering when and if things would ever go back to normal.
**
I managed to stay holed up in that room for almost a week before someone came looking for me, besides my family of course. My mum and the girls had stopped by the day after I arrived to say hello and pretend that everything was just peachy. It wasn’t though.
Fizzy let slip that the girls outside the house weren’t just waiting for Louis to come home, but were already hurling abuse at me, even though I wasn’t even there. My mum had called the police twice already, but as long as the girls were in the road and not on our actually property, there wasn’t much they could do.
I also had to turn off my phone, as the amount of hate I was getting was extraordinary.
Burn in hell you slut!
You are such a fucking slag.
Harry will never love you, whore!
I hope you get cancer and die.
And those were from people I apparently knew. The texts came from blocked numbers, but apparently people knew my mobile number and weren’t afraid to harass me on it. I didn’t dare go on Twitter, and had my dad go on delete it for me. I also kept getting calls from reporters wanting my side of the story. I stopped answering the phone at all, eventually.
I hadn’t slept in days. I couldn’t leave the house without being so paranoid of people taking pictures of me, talking about me behind my back. I had never cared before. I never minded the attention that being Louis Tomlinson’s sister brought – it was annoying, sure, but I could handle it. But being Harry Styles’ supposed fuck-buddy? Along with being Louis’ sister?
The paranoia, insomnia, and all around depression was getting to be too much for me.
When Louis arrived back in Doncaster two days after me, my family – of course – celebrated his return like he was coming back from war. He never came to see me, which was fine, as I was still too mortified to face him anyway. And the only two people I had wanted to talk to...I couldn’t. Eleanor was in Greece on her spring break with her school mates and wasn’t coming back for another week. And Niall...well, he wasn’t responding to any of my texts.
But then, one afternoon, while my Dad was at work and skimming through the telly, bored out of my mind (going on the internet was definitely not going to happen), the doorbell rang.
Needless to say, I was terrified it was someone coming to egg me, but my curiosity got the better of me and I peered through the front blinds. It was Nicola, One Direction’s publicist, and a man I had never seen before. I opened the door, giving her a confused look.
“Um, hi Nicola...you know Louis is at home right...at our Mum’s?”
“I’m not here for Louis,” she replied sharply. I mean, we hadn’t really been friends or anything, but after traveling with her for three months I had expected a bit more cordiality.
“Oh..okay. Well, come in, I suppose.”
Nicola brushed by me and the man in the suit followed in after her. As far as I knew, she hadn’t been to my Dad’s flat before, but she made herself right at home at the kitchen table, pulling out some paperwork from her briefcase, as well as her lap top and took a seat.
“Have a seat, JJ,” she said, motioning to the chair across from her. I did as she asked without question. “This is Mark Lawrence, One Direction’s lawyer,” she motioned to the man who had sat down as well. He had salt and pepper hair, a hard face, and a double chin. He merely nodded at me in greeting. Nicola continued. “We’re here to discuss your relationship with Harry Styles.”
She said it as if Harry and I weren’t friends, as if he were some bloke I had had a one night stand with months ago and had never seen again.
“What about it?” I asked hesitantly.
“I won’t insult your intelligence, JJ,” she continued, though it already felt like she was. “That video that has been circulating the past week has caused a lot of problems for us. The biggest of which is the fact that there is speculation that Mr. Styles forced himself on you in that hotel room.”
“What?”
The idea was ludicrous, who could possibly think that??
“It is obvious in the video that you were in some distress when leaving the room following your interaction with him. It hasn’t been written in the papers or any legitimate source, but online the rumors are rampant. You can understand the problems this causes us.”
“Harry didn’t do anything wrong,” I said firmly. “The idea that he....forced himself on me...is completely crazy.” I was so angry, I was seeing red. What the hell was wrong with people? “I was upset, yes, but not because...well, it’s hard to explain, but nothing like that happened.”
“Are you willing to sign a statement to that effect?” Mark the lawyer asked, eyebrows raised.
“Of course,” I replied quickly. “He did nothing wrong.”
“We will also need you to sign a nondisclosure agreement,” Nicola continued, as Mark slid some papers across the table to me.
“What?”
“A nondisclosure agreement,” she repeated slowly. “It’s a contract that prevents you from selling your story - ”
“I know what it is,” I snapped, sliding the document back to Mark that now had my signature on it. “But why do I have to sign it?”
Nicola pinched the bridge of her nose with her finely manicured fingers. “JJ, it is our job to protect One Direction and One Direction’s image. If you were to try and gain some notoriety by selling your story to some tabloids, it would greatly tarnish the image we have created for them.”
“But I wouldn’t do that. I’m not going to sell any stories about them. Louis is my brother and the other guys are my friends.”
“You’ll understand that we don’t feel comfortable just taking your word for it,” Mark replied and I shot him a nasty look.
“Listen,” Nicola continued, clearly annoyed that I wasn’t cooperating as much as she had hoped. “By signing that document” – she pointed to the one I had just handed Mark – “you have saved Harry from a lot of accusations and unwanted stress and problem. If anyone should even think about writing the words ‘sexual assault’ in any connection to him we can sue them for every penny they are worth. By signing the nondisclosure agreement - ”
“You’d be able to do the same to me,” I cut in. “If I decide to talk to anyone about it.”
“Like I said,” she glared, “It is our top priority to protect those boys.”
“It’s mine as well,” I bit back. “But I’m sorry if I’m not feeling really cooperative at the moment. You say you would do anything to protect the boys’ ‘image’ while I’m having death threats sent to my phone and can’t even leave the house without fear of being verbally abused. Are you going to do anything about that?”
“You’re not a client of ours,” Mark responded to my rhetorical question.
“My brother is.”
“Your brother actually matters,” Nicola said, pushing the contract toward me again. “So you should stop being so selfish and think about him a bit more and all the trouble this is causing him and the band in general. If I were you, I would want to do anything I could to make sure that I didn’t cause any more problems between them.”
I bit back my angry response and locked my jaw. I had always intended on signing the document, I just hated being pushed into it, but Nicola was, unfortunately, getting under my skin.
“Did you know that Louis came and asked to have a new flat? Where he could live on his own? And that Harry has gone to America to get away from all the paparazzi that have swarmed into London?”
I didn’t know this. After the abuse on my computer and phone, I had effectively cut myself off from the world, and so had no idea what was going on with One Direction.
Nicola watched me closely. “Those boys were best friends before you got involved. And if you had any sense, you would see that the only way to get things back to normal would be to just do as we say.”
The problem was, she was right. I knew that. And it killed me inside.
I grabbed the contract and scribbled my signature across the bottom.
“There,” I said shortly, sliding back across the table to her. “Now you can sue me if I talk to anyone.”
“Thank you,” she smiled sweetly and stuffed it into her bag. “You might want to lie low for a while,” she said, standing with Mark and heading back toward the door. “It seems as though a lot of girls are upset with you for some reasons.” She gave me another snide smile before leaving, slamming the door shut behind her.
I stood and stared at the door, completely shocked by what had just happened.
When I told my Dad that night when he got home from work, he nearly blew a fuse. First he yelled at me for signing something with him, Mum, or my own lawyer present. Then, he called Louis and yelled at him for not “watching out for me” when it came to One Direction matters. Then, he called Management and yelled at them for taking advantage of an ‘emotionally distraught teenager’.
I went to bed rather early that night, hoping to forget all about it.
**
One Direction was home in the UK for a total of two weeks before they were flying to Stockholm to begin recording their new album. During those two weeks, I attempted to cut myself off from everyone. I even had to get a new phone since mine was blowing up with people wanting to ask me about Harry or sending me hate of Harry. It was quite annoying, to be honest.
To be honest, I was more nervous about the boys heading to Stockholm than maybe I should have been. I knew they were all professionals and would get the job done, to be sure. But this was the first time Harry and Louis would see each other again, and of course the other boys knew all about it as well. How would Louis and Niall get on? What did Zayn and Liam think of me now? How was Harry going to handle all of it?
I hadn’t heard from any of them during those two weeks, so when Louis showed up at the door on afternoon before they left, I was caught off guard.
“Oh! Louis!” I started, blinking at him as he stood in the doorway, hands shoved in his tight blue trousers. “Erm...hi.”
“Can I talk to you?” he asked, getting straight to the point. His face, apart from the dark bruise on the one side of his jaw, gave away little of what he had gone through the past few weeks or why he was there. I had always been good at reading my brother, but now, I was having trouble meeting his gaze, I was so nervous.
“Yeah, of course. Dad’s at work, you know.”
“I know.”
“Right.”
He followed me into the living room where It took a seat on the couch, wringing my hands together. Louis paced back and forth for a bit, looking absently at the family pictures hanging on the wall.
“Dad said that Nicola and Mark came to see you,” Louis started, and I sensed a trace of guilt in his voice. “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”
“No, it’s okay,” I said quickly, willing to say anything to stay on his good side. I was still so ashamed by what I had done, so afraid of what the consequences were. “It had to be done, right? You told me not to get involved with Harry and I didn’t listen, so now I have to be responsible about things.”
“Yeah, but they shouldn’t have treated you like that, like you don’t have feelings about the whole thing...I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”
Okay. I was not expecting an apology from him, that was for sure.
“Louis...I’m sorry,” I said quietly, venturing a glance at his face. “I really fucked things up for you and I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s...it’s okay, JJ,” he replied, coming over and sitting next to me on the couch. I wasn’t going to cry – I had done enough of that already, but the fact that he seemingly wasn’t angry with me anymore was off-putting. I had prepared myself for yelling, not comfort.
“It’s not, though.”
Louis sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “JJ...you want to know the reason why I asked you not to get involved with one of the boys? Harry in particular?”
I blinked. “Is this a trick question?”
“No.”
“Um...” I watched his face carefully. “Because you didn’t want me breaking up the band?”
Louis snorted and the sight of his smile made my heart soar. “No,” he chuckled. “You’re not breaking up the band, relax.”
“Then, why?” I asked, confused.
“To protect you,” he replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“...from Harry?”
“No!” he laughed again. “Please, I know you can handle yourself around Harry. If anything, I would have to protect him from you.” He got serious again, before pulling his iPhone out of his pocket and clicking onto Twitter. It went right to my page. “It’s because of this. Because of the hate you’re getting. I never, ever, wanted that for you. And it was always going to happen if you came with us, I knew that, but I thought that if I asked you to stay away from him and you did that you wouldn’t be subjected to it all. I should have known you wouldn’t listen though,” he smiled at me. “You’re too much like me. Always causing trouble.”
“I never slept with him,” I replied firmly, though kept my voice low. “I want you to know that.”
“I know you didn’t. I just overreacted a bit.”
“So...you’re not mad at me?” I broached, raising my eyes at him.
“Mad? No,” he said. “I guess I’m just upset that I let you get yourself into this situation. And I’m sorry again that I flipped on you. But, you know you don’t have to keep any secrets from me. Ever.” He paused and seemed to struggle a bit with the next part. “If...if you really wanted to date Hazza, I...I wouldn’t stop you.”
“Don’t worry, I don’t,” I replied
“Thank Christ,” he grinned, relaxing a bit. “I love him, I do, but I don’t think I could handle that.”
“So...are you and Haz...are you okay then?”
Louis bit his lip and thought for a moment. “I don’t know. I mean, I want to be, sure. But, things won’t go back to normal just like that, you know? It might be awhile.”
I felt terrible again. “I’m really sorry, Louis.”
“You’ve said that too many times now,” he smiled and pulled me into a hug. “You’re my sister, JJ. And I love you. I’ll always love you.”
“I love you too,” I replied, squeezing him back. Sighing, we pulled apart. After all of that stress and humiliation and guilt, it was all over. Just like that. “So...” I began, still feeling a bit awkward. “Stockholm?”
Louis chuckled a bit. “Yeah, I was actually on my way back to London now. But I needed to talk to you first. I also wanted to bring you some things that I found. Thought they might interest you.”
He stood up and pulled something from his back pocket that I hadn’t noticed before. “I was staying that room when I was home and was looking for my missing Toms when I was packing. Found these under your bed instead.”
I took the envelopes from his hand and stared at them. They were all unopened and addressed to me. University of Edinburgh. University College London. King’s College London. University of Manchester. University of Bath.
Fucking Fizzy.
“But...but they aren’t open!” I cried, staring at the envelopes. “Fizzy...She told me...she said I was denied everywhere!”
Louis chuckled softly and sat back down next to me. “Our sister has been watching too much American television and assumed that because they were small, that they were denies. When I asked her about them, she also mentioned not wanting to go to prison for opening someone else’s letters.”
I gaped at him.
“I’m going to kill her!” I screeched, while my Louis laughed and pulled me back down to a sitting position.
“Calm down, JJ. You’re the one who put your future into the hands of a twelve year old!”
My anger with Fizzy quickly faded as I realized that there was still a chance I had been accepted to university. Those five unopened envelopes could carry good news still. Or, Fizzy could have assumed correctly – they could all be denies.
I stared at Louis, my hands beginning to shake. “I...I can’t open these.”
“Well, you’ve got to,” he replied. “Come on, which one is the one you want to go to the most?”
I looked back down at the letters, wondering if this was all really happening. “Uhm...King’s.”
“Right, so we’ll open that one last,” he said, taking it from me. “Start with your safety school.”
With trembling fingers, I ripped open the University of Bath letter. Unfolding the fingers, my eyes frantically scanned the page.
“Well?”
“I got in,” I gulped, unable to believe it. “I got in.”
Louis beamed. “You’re going to university, love! Now, which one is your reach school. Come on, we’ve got to open them all.”
“Oh, um...University College.” I was still in a daze about the whole thing. Was this real life?
Louis handed me the envelope and I opened it, my heart dropping. “No.”
“Right, try this one,” he said quickly, handing me University of Edinburgh. That was a no as well. “That’s okay,” he said comfortingly, as my breathing quickened. “Two more.”
The University of Manchester also accepted me, and on a scholarship. I actually grinned at that one, suddenly feeling excited as opposed to terrified. I was going to university.
“El is going to love that, my brother replied happily, picking up the last envelope and looking down at it. “So this is the one?” he asked. “King’s College is your top choice?”
It was. I had loved everything about the school and would kill to go there. I nodded. “You open it.”
Louis looked like he was about to protest, but thought better of it, and then ripped the letter open. I watched with bated breath as he read it, his face showing no emotion. But then, he frowned and looked up at me.
“I’m sorry, JJ.”
“Oh. Oh. Right.” I gulped. “No, that’s okay, I like Manchester well enough, you know...”
“I’m sorry that you’re going to have deal with me as flatmate.”
“Wait...what?”
His face broke out into a smile.
“Well, I can’t have my favorite sister living in some dingy dormitory, now can I? If you’re going to be living in London, you’re going to be living with me.”
I blinked at him, before snatching the letter away from him.
“I got in?” I asked frantically. “I got in!”
I launched myself at him, pulling him into a hug. I couldn’t believe it. Good things don’t just happen to me like this!
“Congratulations,” he laughed, hugging me back. “You deserve it, JJ.”
“Oh my God,” I beamed, unable to contain my excitement. “I got in! I’m going to King’s! Holy shit. I have to tell someone.”
I grabbed my phone and typed in the numbers by heart, waiting impatiently as the phone rang and rang. But Niall didn’t pick up.
As I listened to his voicemail message, my heart sank, and I remembered the fact that he wasn’t talking to me at the moment.
“Something wrong?” Louis asked, concerned.
“Nope, nothing,” I replied, clicking the phone off. “Just forgot that Eleanor is out of the country still, is all.”
“She’ll be back in a few days,” Louis replied, standing. “Mum and Dad will be thrilled for you, though. Listen, I’d love to stay and celebrate, but I want to get to London at a reasonable hour,” Louis said, standing up. “Congratulations again, JJ.”
“Thanks,” I smiled and hugged him again. “Have fun in Sweden.”
Louis left then and I was left on my own with that letter. I should have been buzzing, but for some reason, my chest hurt. I couldn’t focus on the fact that I got into my favorite university when it felt like my heart was breaking.
And I had no idea why.
**
The boys had been in Stockholm for few days when I got a call from an unknown number on my new mobile. I had gone back to my Mum’s after Louis left, as most of the Directioners outside had given up as well. It was nice to be back in my own room, and since I was now officially going to Uni, Mum was a lot easier on me. But, just because life seemed easier, didn’t mean I wasn’t still wary when I got a random ass phone call.
“Er...hello?” I asked hesitantly.
"Say nothing about what you are hear to any one," the familiar voice ordered. "But you must do exactly as we tell you."
"Zayn?" I questioned. "How did you get this number?"
"There is no Zayn," he replied. "Only Agent Zed. And I got it from Agent L."
"Who is Agent L?" I asked, completely bewildered.
There was shuffling on the other end of the line. "We don't have time for the questions," Liam said urgently.
"Liam, tell me how you got my new number."
"Spies never reveal their secrets!"
"Liam."
"...We got it from Louis, who else? Now enough questions! You have to listen to us very carefully."
I sighed. What were these two up to? I wasn't in the mood.
“Aren’t you supposed to be recording a new album?”
"Are you not listening?" he asked. “No more questions!”
I sighed. "Fine, Liam. I’m listening.”
"Well, you're not in a very good mood, are you?"
"Give it here, L, you're not supposed to talk to her just give her the instructions!" Zayn, or Agent Zed, got back on the line. "Now, listen, Tommo. You must go to the front of your house right now and retrieve the unmarked package from your post box."
"Are you serious?" I asked, though I swung my legs off the couch and stood, heading towards the front door. "What the hell are you lot playing at?"
"No more questions!"
Rolling my eyes, I peaked through the front window to make sure no Directioners had shown up. Coast was clear, though.
I opened the door and leaned out to open the post box next to the door. In it were some random catalogs, some bills, my subscription to Four Four Two (finally!) and one unmarked envelope. Sticking the other mail underneath my arm, I held it up, suspiciously.
"What is it?"
"Why don't you open it and find out?" Zed asked, as I was now on speaker phone.
I rolled my eyes again and did as he asked. I ripped it open and took out the slip of heavy paper, glancing over it.
"What...why is there a plane ticket to Sweden in my post box?”
"A plane ticket? A plane ticket?" Liam asked, sounding incredibly offended. "It's a first class plane ticket to Stockholm."
"Right, but why is it in my post box."
"Our sources tell us that One Direction are currently recording their new album there. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be travel to Stockholm and patch things up between your brother and Harry and Niall because shit is fucking awkward and we’re sick of it. Or..erm...Zayn and Liam are sick of it."
"Please stop talking like you work for MI6, Zayn."
"We want you to come and hang out with us," Liam filled in. "Settle everything once and for all, you know? Just, straighten things out.”
“I already spoke to Louis,” I replied, heading back inside. “We’re okay.”
“Yeah, but, he and Harry are being off around each other,” Zayn replied. “And Niall...”
“Niall is just not, well he’s not himself.”
“He isn’t answering my texts or calls,” I said sadly. “I’ve tried to apologize for lying to him.”
There was silence on the other end for a moment and I could almost see them looking at each other.
“We really think you should come out here, JJ.”
“Liam...I...I can’t.” The last thing I wanted was to be in a room with all of them again. “Besides, I think Management wants me to stay away from you guys for a while. Until this all blows over, you know?”
They sighed. “Well, just think about it okay? We’d really like to see you. Oh, gotta go. Savan is calling us in. Love you, JJ.”
“Love you too Zayn. Good luck with the record.”
“Bye, JJ!”
“Bye Liam.”
I hung up my mobile and collapsed on to the couch, looking at the plane ticket. It was sweet of them to get it for me, but I wasn’t going.
**
“I go to Greece for two bloody weeks and I miss everything,” Eleanor cried, bursting into my room and throwing her bags onto the bed before sitting on it herself. “So. Spill.”
“Good to see you too, El,” I giggled, smiling at her. She was, quite literally, the only person who could make me laugh at this point in time, as I still felt so bad about the One Direction situation and the hate just kept coming.
I was thrilled to see Eleanor, though, as I was still somewhat quarantined to the house. She had been back in the UK for a week, but exams had taken precedence over her coming to visit me.
“First of all, congrats on Uni. While I would have killed for you to come to Manchester, getting to visit you in London will almost make up for the fact that you’re so far away.”
“You can visit Louis in London all the time!”
“He’s barely ever there,” she replied. “But, when he’s gone we can throw massive parties in your flat and make him super jealous. Anyway, now get to the good stuff! How big is Harry’s peen?!”
“Oh my God,” I dropped my head into my hands. “You’re ridiculous.”
Eleanor then gave me her puppy-dog eyes, so, I spilled. I told her everything – starting way back with Nathan, through my adoration of Liam, to the final horrifying moment of watching myself on Tumblr run half naked down the hallway in a certified walk of shame.
At the end of it all, El blinked. “So...you were snogging Harry that whole time after I left?” I nodded. “And you didn’t tell me?” She seemed genuinely hurt by this.
“I’m sorry, El. I didn’t tell anyone about it.”
Eleanor sighed and ran a hand through her dark hair. “I do have to ask, though. Why Harry? I mean...I didn’t think you went for the slightly arrogant type, four-nippled type.”
“Well, I don’t really,” I shrugged. “But – oh, this sounds terrible – he was...there and he was so incredibly sweet at times and he made me feel so good about myself when we were together. It was for purely selfish reasons, I know. I’m a terrible person.” She ignored that last bit.
“Oh, I want to hear the sweet things!” El gushed, clapping her hands together.
I blushed a little. “Well, he would just say that I was sexy and he got me the dress even though I told him not to and - ”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Eleanor interrupted, staring at me. “What do you mean ‘got me the dress’? What dress?”
“You know, the dress. The one for the KCA’s that was too expensive and...El, what’s wrong?”
She looked furious. “I am going to kill him,” she bit out. “That wanking tosspot. I’m going to kill him.”
“What? Why?” I asked, utterly confused.
“Did he really say that?” she asked, eyes wild. “Did he really tell you that he bought that dress for you?”
“Oh...well...” I thought back. “No. Not explicitly. Actually, not at all but I just assumed...wait...he didn’t?” I watched in disbelief as El shook her head slowly. “Then who got it for me?”
She looked at me like I was an idiot. “Niall, of course!”
“Niall?”
“Don’t sound so surprised,” she tutted. “That boy would do anything for you.”
“But...why would Niall buy it for me? And how did he know?”
“He knew because he came and asked me,” El replied. “He said you seemed upset and wanted to know if something had happened. I told him about the dress, showed him the picture, and the next thing I knew he was on the phone to one of the other assistants telling them to go get it first thing in the morning. And as for why,” she gave me a smile. “Because he’s in love with you.”
I stared at her. “I’m...I’m sorry. I think I just had a brain aneurism. What did you just say?”
“Niall Horan is in love with you, JJ,” she repeated, a wide grin on her beautiful face.
“No, he’s not,” I let out a disbelieving laugh. “No...no?”
“He got you the dress,” El ticked off on her fingers. “He rescued you from shark-infested waters, he took you to the Chelsea training ground, he tells you everything, he thinks the sun shines out of your ass, he punched Louis defending your honor! He bought you those concert tickets and even let Harry have them so you wouldn’t know that Haz forgot your birthday!”
“Wait, what?”
I was still focused on the fact that Eleanor thought Niall was in love with me that I almost missed that last bit.
Almost.
“Harry forgot my birthday?”
“Not so sweet now, is he?”
“And Niall gave him those tickets to give to me?”
“The boy would rather you go see your favorite band with someone else than to even have you upset for one moment. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.”
“So...basically...” I stuttered, trying to figure it all out in my head. “All the things I liked about Harry, was actually Niall?”
“Seems so,” she replied, shrugging.
“And...you think he loves me?”
“I don’t think, I know. I’ve known for a while, actually.”
“Wait...you’ve known for a while? Now who’s not sharing important information?”
“He made me promise not to tell you.”
Okay, now I was really confused. And slightly annoyed. “I think you need to start at the beginning,” I glared, but El merely shrugged.
“It was after that party we had at Louis and Harry’s before you left for tour. I caught you two snogging in your room and - ”
“What???”
“Can you really not remember anything when you drink?” she asked disbelievingly, but I felt like my head was about to explode.
“We were snogging?”
“Mmhmm,” she nodded. “Quite vigorously, as well, I might add. Anyway, I walked by your room on my way to the loo and saw you two having a snog fest. I shut the door for you, being the amazing friend that I am, so Louis wouldn’t see, and let you two go at it.”
“But...Niall told me nothing happened!”
“You’re as bad at catching someone lying as you are at telling them yourself,” she replied. “I was going to say something the next morning, but not while Louis was around. But later I saw Niall and he pulled me aside and practically begged me to keep my mouth shut. Apparently, after sucking his face off, you told him that you didn’t fancy him. You fancied Liam and his abs of steel. And then you mentioned this whole university scenario and then started singing ‘Scenes from an Italian Restaurant’ before you passed out.”
This was all too much to handle.
“I really said that to him?”
“Yep,” she replied, popping her lips. “And then I forced out of him the fact that he fancied you. Which, after spending those couple of weeks with you on tour, is completely obvious and I’m actually annoyed that I didn’t figure it out sooner. Or you. What kind of girl are you, anyways?”
“Niall doesn’t love me,” I said firmly, standing up and pacing the floor. “He definitely doesn’t. And even if he may have fancied me at one point he doesn’t anymore. He won’t respond to any of my texts or calls or anything.”
“Can you blame him?” Eleanor asked. “He’s upset. You were hooking up with one of his best mates behind his back. And he definitely still fancies you, you just need to give him a bit of time. One doesn’t just fall out of love that quickly.”
“He isn’t in love with me,” I repeated. “And I stopped fancying Liam rather quickly, so it is possible.”
She rolled her eyes. “Please, you never actually fancied Liam.”
“Yes, I did!” I protested.
“No, you fancied the idea of Liam. You were so desperate for a boyfriend who would treat you right and be sweet and cuddly and follow you around. Like a puppy. Because that is what Liam is. A big puppy. And believe me, I love Liam, he is wonderful, but you two would have been fucking terrible together.”
“What? Why?”
“You would have been bored out of your mind within the first week. The boy doesn’t drink, he’s Captain Sensible. You are anything but sensible!”
Well, she had me there.
“This doesn’t change the fact that Niall isn’t in love with me.”
“Why are you so stubborn?” she asked angrily. “Niall is perfect for you.”
“But he’s my best friend,” I shot back, and Eleanor raised her eyebrows. Shit. I suddenly felt like I had been doused with freezing cold water. “You...you think he loves me?”
El nodded solemnly. “I know he loves you. But if you don’t believe me, why don’t you just ask him yourself?”
“He isn’t answering my calls, I told you,” I mumbled sitting back down on the bed and dropping my head into my hands.
“Oh, well it’s a damn shame you don’t have a fucking first class ticket to Sweden, otherwise that would just solve all of our problems,” she said sarcastically.
I glared at her. “You and Dani talk too much. I’m not just showing up in Stockholm and being like, ‘oh hey Niall, heard you might be in love with me, want to talk about it?”
“Why the hell not?” she cried, throwing her arms out in exasperation.
“Because he doesn’t and I’ll look like an idiot!”
“The only way you’re an idiot is if you don’t talk to him.”
“I’m not going,” I said stubbornly.
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
I should have known better than to try and argue with Eleanor, as a week later I found myself in a taxi sitting outside the boys’ studio in Stockholm. El had told my parents about the plan, and they had been completely on board, though I fought against the pressure they put on me. It got a point, though, when I knew I didn’t really have any other options. One event in particular, made me see I had no choice but to face the situation head on.
I had made the mistake of going to the Tesco with Lottie one afternoon, after my Mum forced me to shower and actually put on clothing besides my sweatpants and a grungy t-shirt. Needless to say, the trip did not end well, as on the way home we were heckled by some of the boys a few years ahead of Lottie in school.
“Styles is gonna go for you next, Lottie!” one of the boys yelled at us, while his friends made lewd gestures with their hands.
“Yeah, he likes to fuck all the Tomlinson’s!” Another one yelled, “even your faggy brother!”
“Ignore them,” Lottie hissed at me, grabbing my arm as if she thought I would go after the twats. Which, had this happened a month earlier, I would have done. But now, my head hurt too much and it took all my energy to keep from crying, that I had no will to even try to defend myself. I hated myself, though, that I couldn’t defend my sister.
“Do...do people say things like that you often?” I asked quietly, once we were closer to home.
Lottie looked up at me, her big eyes glistening slightly. “A bit. Recently, it’s been more than usual.”
“Because of me,” I gulped, understanding. “I’m so sorry, Lottie.”
“It’s not because of you,” she said quickly, but I didn’t believe her.
I broke down crying again that night over dinner, when my Mum answered yet another call from a tabloid wanting to know my thoughts about Harry supposedly hooking up with a 32-year-old married woman. Lottie told her what had happened on the way home from the shop, and my mum instantly called the airlines, setting up my flight.
“You have nothing to lose,” she said, hugging me as I sobbed into her chest. “I promise, things will get better.”
The next day I was in Scandinavia, sitting in the back of a cab and watching the crowd of fangirls with a sickening taste in my mouth. I had my sweatshirt hood pulled up tightly over my head, hoping they wouldn’t see me.
I had texted Liam and Zayn from the airport and they had given me the address of where to show up. Paul was standing near the door of the cab, looking at me with sympathy in his eyes. He gave me a small smile and held his hand out to me.
“How are you, JJ?” He asked, as I stepped out to meet him, my legs shaky.
I didn’t get to answer, at the girls screamed at the sight of someone new entering the building. Whether or not they recognized me, I don’t know, but it didn’t stop them from taking pictures and shouting to get my attention. Paul wrapped a massive arm around my shoulder and ushered me inside.
“I’m okay,” I replied, stepping away from him once we were out of sight of the paparazzi and fans. “I’m okay.”
“You’ll forgive me if I don’t believe you,” he said softly, squeezing my shoulder. I looked away. “The boys are upstairs. Waiting for you.”
I swallowed hard and followed him up, my legs feeling like lead. Paul led me through some rooms before coming to Studio 12. He gave me a comforting smile and shoved the door open, as I lowered my hood.
Liam was eating a pizza and playing on his computer. Zayn was on his mobile. Harry and Louis were in the corner playing FIFA and looking like nothing had every happened between them, which gave me an immense sense of relief as I entered the room.
I didn’t see Niall.
“JJ!” Zayn acknowledged, jumping up and pulling me into a tight hug. “You alright?” he whispered in my ear, and I nodded slightly, though he shot me a skeptical look.
“Hey, JJ!” Liam grinned, always oblivious, but adorable nonetheless.
I gave an awkward wave to Harry and Louis, neither of whom seemed surprised that I was there. My brother gave me a smile and Harry actually blushed when he saw me, before winking. But it wasn’t the normal arrogant, flirtatious wink that I had come to associate him with. It was a supportive, ‘everything will be alright’ wink. And also a wink that said that he knew something I didn’t.
“Hi Savan,” I greeted their producer, who gave me a smile in return.
Then, I caught sight of my favorite Irishman. Niall was in the recording booth, standing up to the microphone and clearly ready to sing. I shot him a smile, trying not to look too nervous.
“He can’t see you,” Zayn said, from next to me. “One way glass.”
“Oh. Right.”
“We’re glad you could come, JJ,” Harry said softly. “We missed you.”
I took a deep gulp of air. “Yeah...I just...I think there is a lot we need to talk about.”
“Before we get to anything too serious,” Louis said, standing. “I think that you should hear something first. It might make you feel a bit better.”
Louis nodded at Savan then, who turned and spoke into the microphone. “Hey, Niall. Why don’t you do ‘Someone Like You’ all the way through, yeah?”
“Right now?” Niall asked, looking confused. The sound of his voice gave me goose bumps. “But I thought we were going to work on Heartbreaker?”
“No, let’s do your song first. All the way through once, okay?”
“Yeah, okay,” Niall nodded, adjusting his headphones. Savan pressed some buttons and music filled the room. Some guitar, some drums, upbeat and peppy. I liked it already. But then Niall started to sing, and I couldn’t focus on anything else. Just his voice and the words coming out of his mouth.
You’ve got a price tag hanging on the back of your dress,
You’ve got your shoes undone and your hair is a mess,
But no one sees you like I do.
You roll the windows down when it’s starting to rain,
Yeah everybody else might think you’re insane,
But no one sees you like I do.
It was suddenly very hard to breath, but I couldn’t stop staring at him.
Cause the little things, mean so much to me.
My girl, I’d cross the whole world
For someone like you, oh, oh,
No matter where I go, oh, oh,
My unpredictable girl,
You’re impossible girl...
I was suddenly aware of Louis standing next to me, watching my face closely. Again, though, I couldn’t tear my gaze away from Niall, as I tried to understand what was going on.
You love to sing along when you don’t know the words,
You’ll lock the keys in the car cause you don’t have a purse,
Yeah no one sees you like I do.
You only show up right out of the blue
And twenty minutes late’s five early for you
Yeah no one sees you like I do.
It was about me. The song was about me. And I didn’t know how I felt about that.
ause the little things mean so much to me...
My girl, I’d cross the whole world
For someone like you, oh, oh,
No matter where I go, oh, oh,
My unpredictable girl,
You’re impossible girl,
You know that it’s true, oh oh,
No matter what you do,
I’d cross the world for someone like you.
The music ended and Niall pulled his headphones off, looking at the glass. That song was so...perfect. It was cute and funny and just completely and utterly me. I nearly jumped, thinking he could see me, but I felt a comforting hand on my back and turned to see Louis watching me closely. We just looked at each other, communicating without words.
‘It’s all for you,’ his look told me and panic must have crossed my face, because he squeezed my hand comfortingly.
“How ‘d it go?” Niall asked into the microphone, but no one responded to him, as they were all staring at me, waiting for a reaction. “Hello? Savan?”
Then, he moved to the door and opened it, stepping out into the main studio room. Clearly confused, Niall looked at our group, all standing silently. But then his eyes landed on me and all the blood drained from his face.
“JJ! Oh...erm...hello.”
I just blinked at him, too shocked to speak. There was a moment of silence, before Harry cleared his throat awkwardly.
“I’m hungry,” he announced. “Anyone up for some food?”
“I am!” Zayn jumped up to join him, and soon everyone except Niall and I were shuffling out of the room. Louis was the last one to leave, giving me one last squeeze on the shoulder, before exiting and shutting the door behind him. Then, it was just me and Niall, facing each other and not saying a word.
“So, uhm,” he started, “how are you?”
“Fine,” I managed to reply.
“Oh, good.”
Another silence.
“I liked the song,” I finally said, trying to keep my voice steady. “Loved it, actually. Is it, um, going on the record?”
“No,” he replied with a sheepish smile. “It was...it was just for you.”
The sweetness of the sentiment almost made me melt, but I was able to hold it together.
“JJ,” Niall started. “I’m – I’m really sorry that I haven’t answered your calls or texts. Louis told me about Uni and I am so happy for you. I just..I was in a weird place and - ”
“Eleanor told me that you love me,” I blurted, interrupting him.
“Oh...” He said, blinking at me, blood draining again from his naturally pale face. “She did?”
I nodded, watching him closely. When he didn’t say anything, I swallowed. “Well...do you?”
“Oh...well...I might. A bit. Maybe just a little. Yes. Yes, I do. Love you, I mean.”
“Oh. Okay.” I said, wondering for a moment why my chest hurt and why my brain wasn’t working properly anymore. None of this made any sense. I wasn’t the type of girl that popstars fell in love with. I knew that. Let alone fantastic ones like Niall. It was just too much to wrap my head around, I didn’t understand. “But...why?”
Niall looked caught off guard by my questions, almost at a loss for words. But then he ran a stressed hand through his hair and sighed audibly.
“Because you’re fucking amazing, that’s why,” he replied, almost annoyed with me for asking what he clearly thought was a dumb question. “Because you don’t take shit from anyone. Because you smell like vanilla and fresh cut grass. You snort when you laugh too hard. Because you freak out more about meeting Frank Lampard than you do about meeting Justin Bieber. You would do absolutely anything for the people that you love. You have the most wicked sense of humor and sarcasm. You’re the funniest drunk I’ve every seen in my life. You know every single word to every Bon Jovi or Billy Joel song but couldn’t even sing the chorus to What Makes You Beautiful until half way through tour. You’re the only girl I know who actually takes pride in the fact she has a massive scar on her leg. You talk in your sleep. Your eyes turn a shade brighter blue when you’re excited about something. You like to eat just as much as I do. You’re really, really smart and funny and beautiful, but you have no fucking clue.” He stopped then and looked at me gaping at him. “I could go on for a while, but I think I’ve freaked you out enough for now.”
He smiled slightly again, his blue eyes hopeful and scared at the same time. I literally could think of nothing to say, except: “How long?”
Again, Niall looked surprised at the questions I was choosing to ask, and he blinked a few times in confusion before answering. “Um, probably since the first time I met you. When you told Simon that he was a pedophile, I knew right away that I’d never meet another girl like you.”
I blushed and let out a short laugh at the memory, the tension in my body leaving quickly. This was Niall, just Niall, my best friend, who could make me laugh no matter what, who I could tell anything.
And he loved me.
“What are you thinking right now?” Niall asked, taking a step closer to me, a true smile across his face.
“Honestly,” I let out a breath, rubbing my face with my hands. “I have no fucking clue what I’m thinking. This is just...that song and that speech. And Eleanor told me about the dress and the concert tickets and how we snogged at that party...”
“Right,” Niall looked embarrassed again. “Sorry about not telling you about that. You just seemed to terrified that something had happened and when you told me you fancied Liam I just panicked.”
“Niall, it’s okay,” I said quickly. “I’m not mad. I’m just trying to digest it all, I guess.”
We were quiet again. I stood there with my arms crossed protectively over my chest, biting my lip so hard I could taste the salty blood, as I tried to figure out just how I felt. Niall stood across from me, hands shoved in the pockets of his trousers and scuffing his trainers along the carpet.
“I don’t mean to pressure you or anything,” he said after a moment. “But...is there any chance that you...you know?”
I looked up at him, swallowing hard. “Any chance that I love you back?”
He nodded, looking positively terrified. I was terrified as well. My heart was beating out of my chest and my palms were clammy. But I knew the answer to his question.
“Yes.” I jumped a bit, startling myself with how easy it was to say. And how happy it made me to say it. “I love you too.”
The smile on Niall’s face was one I will never forget, and I felt myself grinning wildly as well. I did love him. There was no doubt in my mind. He was everything I wanted and needed. And I couldn’t believe I hadn’t realized it until now.
A moment later Niall was standing directly in front of me, and we looked at each other for a moment, before both dissolving into laughter at our ridiculous situation.
“I can’t believe this,” he said after a moment, his hands coming to rest on my hips. “I never thought...I never thought you’d see me as anything more than a friend.”
“I’m sorry it too me so long to realize...” I whispered, but he silenced me with a finger to my lips.
My breath caught in my throat as his body, toned and warm, pressed against mine and his fingers, calloused from his guitar playing, traced their way down my jaw line. My gaze flickered up to his eyes, and my heart swelled instantly.
This was actually happening to me.
“You’re so beautiful, JJ.”
He leaned in and I closed my eyes, wondering if this was all a dream.
Then, I heard the roar of the screaming crowd outside and I realized it wasn’t a dream...it was a nightmare.
“I can’t,” I blurted, jumping away from him as if I had been shocked. Niall looked stunned, staring at me with disbelief and disappointment.
“What? Why?”
I suddenly felt like I was in Sydney Harbour again, cold and blind, with the walls closing in around me. The girls outside screamed again and shiver went up my spine.
“JJ, what’s wrong?” Niall asked urgently, reaching out to me, but I jerked away from his touch.
It was crazy. I knew that. But I had caught sight of the security camera in the corner of the studio. I remembered the flashing lights of the cameras when I came into the building, having to hide under a blanket. The death threats. The insults.
When I had first left for tour with One Direction, I had thought I could handle it. But now...
I was going off to University. I had a chance at a fresh start without the drama and the pressure of being connected to a boy in One Direction. Did I want to just give that up?
I looked over at Niall, slow tears rolling down my face and my heart aching.
“I can’t do this, Niall.”
He looked crestfallen, before trying to rally himself. “JJ, whatever is wrong, we can work through it, okay? I promise, everything will be alright.”
“I can’t,” I replied, choking back my sobs. “Not after everything with Harry.”
“Harry doesn’t care,” Niall said urgently, grabbing my hands. “I’ve spoken to him. Louis doesn’t either. They – they want us to be together. I promise you. I was going to come see you when we were back in the UK and play you the song and I asked Louis if it was alright and he said we would be perfect for each other,” he rambled.
I was nearly hyperventilating at this point and I was unable to look at his desperate face.
“I can’t take it, Niall. I can’t take the hate, the stress. I can’t take people watching my every move and being controlled by Management. I know what Eleanor and Dani have to deal with and all the problems this is causing my family...I don’t want that...I don’t.”
Niall looked so utterly broken, that I had to step away from him, my legs feeling numb.
“It won’t be like that,” he argued weakly. “I promise.” But even he didn’t sound convinced of what he was saying.
I wanted to be with Niall. I did. But not if a complete loss of my freedom and privacy came with it. It was hard enough being the sister of Louis Tomlinson. Add on to that that I was now the former fling of Harry Styles...and then the new girlfriend of Niall Horan? And I couldn’t only think about me. I had to think about my family. I had to think about Niall, too. It wouldn’t be fair to him for me to bring this extra drama into his life.
I couldn’t do it.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, looking at him one last time.
The sight of him hurt my heart and I nearly broke down right there when he sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his arm. But someone how, I managed to turn away and leave the studio, not stopping until I found the back exit and made my way out onto the brightly lit Stockholm street. The girls screamed and I ran, not looking back.
When I finally was able to calm myself, I hailed a cab, and pulled out my phone.
“Mum,” I choked, when she answered. “I need you to pick me up from the airport. Tonight.”
I was going home. I was starting over. I was going to have as much of a normal life as possible. This would all blow over eventually. And if Niall and I couldn’t be friends anymore...so be it. The thought broke my heart, but life would be easier for everyone if I just stayed the hell away from One Direction.
And that’s what I was going to do. This was a new start. A new me.
I realized then that I had cried more in the past three months than I had in the past three years. Lovely.
Hanging out with One Direction was a lot more emotional that I had originally thought.
When I finally got home, it was nearing midnight. I was exhausted and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my own bed and sleep forever. But, it seemed I couldn’t even do that.
“Dad?” I asked, as the familiar face approached me and hugged me in greeting.
“Hello, sweetheart,” he said, giving me a comforting smile and taking my bag from me.
“I thought Mum was coming to get me?”
“Apparently, there are quite a few girls gathered outside the house,” he said, after hesitating a moment. “Your mum thinks it might be a good idea if you come stay with me for a bit. At least until this whole thing blows over.”
I winced. “You and mum have talked about all this...you know what’s happened?”
“Of course we do,” he replied easily as we arrived at his car. “Nicola gave us a call as soon as this whole thing blew up this morning. And then Louis called us just a few hours ago while you were on the train.”
I didn’t say anything, just waited for the inevitable lecture that was sure to come.
“Jane,” My dad said, squeezing my shoulder. “You know that your mum and I love you no matter what. And frankly, you’ve gotten yourself into worse situations than this. Remember when you stole your granddad’s old car to drive you and Louis to get ice cream? You were twelve and could barely see over the steering wheel, which completely explains why you ran off the road into the cow pasture.”
I blushed at the memory. “Yeah...sorry about that.”
“Don’t apologize to me, I feel sorry for the cows. This whole thing, though” he continued. “It’s not your fault that there were girls on the floor videotaping you. You shouldn’t have to worry about things like that. I don’t blame you for any of this.”
“Louis does,” I sighed, as we left the station and headed home...well, to my Dad’s flat.
“You know you’re brother can be a bit touchy at time,” Dad replied. “Just give him some time and it will blow over.”
“You didn’t see his face though, Dad. I’ve never seen him so angry at me before. And then Niall punched him and-”
“Niall punched him? Niall? The little Irish one?”
“You know which one Niall is, Dad,” I replied, but couldn’t help but chuckle at his surprise.
“Why did he punch Louis?”
My laughter quickly disappeared. “Well...I think it maybe have been because...well, Louis called me a whore.”
My dad nearly drove off the road.
“Your brother did what?”
“Really, Dad, I deserved it though. I mean, I was messing about with his best mate, after all.”
“JJ,” he said sternly, angrily watching the road. “I don’t care if you were working the Red Light District in Amsterdam - ”
“Dad!”
“Your brother should never, ever say things like that to you. When he gets home, he’s going to be grounded.”
I didn’t try to tell him that grounding a 20 year old multi-millionaire was easier said than done. The rest of the ride home was pretty silent, except for a few questions from Dad about my favorite parts of tour and me asking how the girls were doing. When we finally arrived at his flat and he helped bring my things to his guest room, I told him I was turning in for the night, too exhausted to do anything else.
“Right, well, I just have to ask, JJ, since I’m your Dad and all...” he started awkwardly. But, I need to know in order to sleep tonight. You’ve been, you’ve been safe right? I mean, using protection and all? I love you darling, but I’m not ready to be a granddad yet.”
I blushed profusely. This was not the kind of conversation one likes to have with their dad.
“I’m still a virgin,” I muttered and he began to turn red. “Harry and I we never...you know...did it.”
“Oh, right,” he coughed. “Okay. Good. Well. Good night.” And then he ran away, leaving me to stand alone in the boring guest room of his bachelor pad flat, wondering when and if things would ever go back to normal.
**
I managed to stay holed up in that room for almost a week before someone came looking for me, besides my family of course. My mum and the girls had stopped by the day after I arrived to say hello and pretend that everything was just peachy. It wasn’t though.
Fizzy let slip that the girls outside the house weren’t just waiting for Louis to come home, but were already hurling abuse at me, even though I wasn’t even there. My mum had called the police twice already, but as long as the girls were in the road and not on our actually property, there wasn’t much they could do.
I also had to turn off my phone, as the amount of hate I was getting was extraordinary.
Burn in hell you slut!
You are such a fucking slag.
Harry will never love you, whore!
I hope you get cancer and die.
And those were from people I apparently knew. The texts came from blocked numbers, but apparently people knew my mobile number and weren’t afraid to harass me on it. I didn’t dare go on Twitter, and had my dad go on delete it for me. I also kept getting calls from reporters wanting my side of the story. I stopped answering the phone at all, eventually.
I hadn’t slept in days. I couldn’t leave the house without being so paranoid of people taking pictures of me, talking about me behind my back. I had never cared before. I never minded the attention that being Louis Tomlinson’s sister brought – it was annoying, sure, but I could handle it. But being Harry Styles’ supposed fuck-buddy? Along with being Louis’ sister?
The paranoia, insomnia, and all around depression was getting to be too much for me.
When Louis arrived back in Doncaster two days after me, my family – of course – celebrated his return like he was coming back from war. He never came to see me, which was fine, as I was still too mortified to face him anyway. And the only two people I had wanted to talk to...I couldn’t. Eleanor was in Greece on her spring break with her school mates and wasn’t coming back for another week. And Niall...well, he wasn’t responding to any of my texts.
But then, one afternoon, while my Dad was at work and skimming through the telly, bored out of my mind (going on the internet was definitely not going to happen), the doorbell rang.
Needless to say, I was terrified it was someone coming to egg me, but my curiosity got the better of me and I peered through the front blinds. It was Nicola, One Direction’s publicist, and a man I had never seen before. I opened the door, giving her a confused look.
“Um, hi Nicola...you know Louis is at home right...at our Mum’s?”
“I’m not here for Louis,” she replied sharply. I mean, we hadn’t really been friends or anything, but after traveling with her for three months I had expected a bit more cordiality.
“Oh..okay. Well, come in, I suppose.”
Nicola brushed by me and the man in the suit followed in after her. As far as I knew, she hadn’t been to my Dad’s flat before, but she made herself right at home at the kitchen table, pulling out some paperwork from her briefcase, as well as her lap top and took a seat.
“Have a seat, JJ,” she said, motioning to the chair across from her. I did as she asked without question. “This is Mark Lawrence, One Direction’s lawyer,” she motioned to the man who had sat down as well. He had salt and pepper hair, a hard face, and a double chin. He merely nodded at me in greeting. Nicola continued. “We’re here to discuss your relationship with Harry Styles.”
She said it as if Harry and I weren’t friends, as if he were some bloke I had had a one night stand with months ago and had never seen again.
“What about it?” I asked hesitantly.
“I won’t insult your intelligence, JJ,” she continued, though it already felt like she was. “That video that has been circulating the past week has caused a lot of problems for us. The biggest of which is the fact that there is speculation that Mr. Styles forced himself on you in that hotel room.”
“What?”
The idea was ludicrous, who could possibly think that??
“It is obvious in the video that you were in some distress when leaving the room following your interaction with him. It hasn’t been written in the papers or any legitimate source, but online the rumors are rampant. You can understand the problems this causes us.”
“Harry didn’t do anything wrong,” I said firmly. “The idea that he....forced himself on me...is completely crazy.” I was so angry, I was seeing red. What the hell was wrong with people? “I was upset, yes, but not because...well, it’s hard to explain, but nothing like that happened.”
“Are you willing to sign a statement to that effect?” Mark the lawyer asked, eyebrows raised.
“Of course,” I replied quickly. “He did nothing wrong.”
“We will also need you to sign a nondisclosure agreement,” Nicola continued, as Mark slid some papers across the table to me.
“What?”
“A nondisclosure agreement,” she repeated slowly. “It’s a contract that prevents you from selling your story - ”
“I know what it is,” I snapped, sliding the document back to Mark that now had my signature on it. “But why do I have to sign it?”
Nicola pinched the bridge of her nose with her finely manicured fingers. “JJ, it is our job to protect One Direction and One Direction’s image. If you were to try and gain some notoriety by selling your story to some tabloids, it would greatly tarnish the image we have created for them.”
“But I wouldn’t do that. I’m not going to sell any stories about them. Louis is my brother and the other guys are my friends.”
“You’ll understand that we don’t feel comfortable just taking your word for it,” Mark replied and I shot him a nasty look.
“Listen,” Nicola continued, clearly annoyed that I wasn’t cooperating as much as she had hoped. “By signing that document” – she pointed to the one I had just handed Mark – “you have saved Harry from a lot of accusations and unwanted stress and problem. If anyone should even think about writing the words ‘sexual assault’ in any connection to him we can sue them for every penny they are worth. By signing the nondisclosure agreement - ”
“You’d be able to do the same to me,” I cut in. “If I decide to talk to anyone about it.”
“Like I said,” she glared, “It is our top priority to protect those boys.”
“It’s mine as well,” I bit back. “But I’m sorry if I’m not feeling really cooperative at the moment. You say you would do anything to protect the boys’ ‘image’ while I’m having death threats sent to my phone and can’t even leave the house without fear of being verbally abused. Are you going to do anything about that?”
“You’re not a client of ours,” Mark responded to my rhetorical question.
“My brother is.”
“Your brother actually matters,” Nicola said, pushing the contract toward me again. “So you should stop being so selfish and think about him a bit more and all the trouble this is causing him and the band in general. If I were you, I would want to do anything I could to make sure that I didn’t cause any more problems between them.”
I bit back my angry response and locked my jaw. I had always intended on signing the document, I just hated being pushed into it, but Nicola was, unfortunately, getting under my skin.
“Did you know that Louis came and asked to have a new flat? Where he could live on his own? And that Harry has gone to America to get away from all the paparazzi that have swarmed into London?”
I didn’t know this. After the abuse on my computer and phone, I had effectively cut myself off from the world, and so had no idea what was going on with One Direction.
Nicola watched me closely. “Those boys were best friends before you got involved. And if you had any sense, you would see that the only way to get things back to normal would be to just do as we say.”
The problem was, she was right. I knew that. And it killed me inside.
I grabbed the contract and scribbled my signature across the bottom.
“There,” I said shortly, sliding back across the table to her. “Now you can sue me if I talk to anyone.”
“Thank you,” she smiled sweetly and stuffed it into her bag. “You might want to lie low for a while,” she said, standing with Mark and heading back toward the door. “It seems as though a lot of girls are upset with you for some reasons.” She gave me another snide smile before leaving, slamming the door shut behind her.
I stood and stared at the door, completely shocked by what had just happened.
When I told my Dad that night when he got home from work, he nearly blew a fuse. First he yelled at me for signing something with him, Mum, or my own lawyer present. Then, he called Louis and yelled at him for not “watching out for me” when it came to One Direction matters. Then, he called Management and yelled at them for taking advantage of an ‘emotionally distraught teenager’.
I went to bed rather early that night, hoping to forget all about it.
**
One Direction was home in the UK for a total of two weeks before they were flying to Stockholm to begin recording their new album. During those two weeks, I attempted to cut myself off from everyone. I even had to get a new phone since mine was blowing up with people wanting to ask me about Harry or sending me hate of Harry. It was quite annoying, to be honest.
To be honest, I was more nervous about the boys heading to Stockholm than maybe I should have been. I knew they were all professionals and would get the job done, to be sure. But this was the first time Harry and Louis would see each other again, and of course the other boys knew all about it as well. How would Louis and Niall get on? What did Zayn and Liam think of me now? How was Harry going to handle all of it?
I hadn’t heard from any of them during those two weeks, so when Louis showed up at the door on afternoon before they left, I was caught off guard.
“Oh! Louis!” I started, blinking at him as he stood in the doorway, hands shoved in his tight blue trousers. “Erm...hi.”
“Can I talk to you?” he asked, getting straight to the point. His face, apart from the dark bruise on the one side of his jaw, gave away little of what he had gone through the past few weeks or why he was there. I had always been good at reading my brother, but now, I was having trouble meeting his gaze, I was so nervous.
“Yeah, of course. Dad’s at work, you know.”
“I know.”
“Right.”
He followed me into the living room where It took a seat on the couch, wringing my hands together. Louis paced back and forth for a bit, looking absently at the family pictures hanging on the wall.
“Dad said that Nicola and Mark came to see you,” Louis started, and I sensed a trace of guilt in his voice. “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”
“No, it’s okay,” I said quickly, willing to say anything to stay on his good side. I was still so ashamed by what I had done, so afraid of what the consequences were. “It had to be done, right? You told me not to get involved with Harry and I didn’t listen, so now I have to be responsible about things.”
“Yeah, but they shouldn’t have treated you like that, like you don’t have feelings about the whole thing...I shouldn’t have treated you like that.”
Okay. I was not expecting an apology from him, that was for sure.
“Louis...I’m sorry,” I said quietly, venturing a glance at his face. “I really fucked things up for you and I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s...it’s okay, JJ,” he replied, coming over and sitting next to me on the couch. I wasn’t going to cry – I had done enough of that already, but the fact that he seemingly wasn’t angry with me anymore was off-putting. I had prepared myself for yelling, not comfort.
“It’s not, though.”
Louis sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “JJ...you want to know the reason why I asked you not to get involved with one of the boys? Harry in particular?”
I blinked. “Is this a trick question?”
“No.”
“Um...” I watched his face carefully. “Because you didn’t want me breaking up the band?”
Louis snorted and the sight of his smile made my heart soar. “No,” he chuckled. “You’re not breaking up the band, relax.”
“Then, why?” I asked, confused.
“To protect you,” he replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“...from Harry?”
“No!” he laughed again. “Please, I know you can handle yourself around Harry. If anything, I would have to protect him from you.” He got serious again, before pulling his iPhone out of his pocket and clicking onto Twitter. It went right to my page. “It’s because of this. Because of the hate you’re getting. I never, ever, wanted that for you. And it was always going to happen if you came with us, I knew that, but I thought that if I asked you to stay away from him and you did that you wouldn’t be subjected to it all. I should have known you wouldn’t listen though,” he smiled at me. “You’re too much like me. Always causing trouble.”
“I never slept with him,” I replied firmly, though kept my voice low. “I want you to know that.”
“I know you didn’t. I just overreacted a bit.”
“So...you’re not mad at me?” I broached, raising my eyes at him.
“Mad? No,” he said. “I guess I’m just upset that I let you get yourself into this situation. And I’m sorry again that I flipped on you. But, you know you don’t have to keep any secrets from me. Ever.” He paused and seemed to struggle a bit with the next part. “If...if you really wanted to date Hazza, I...I wouldn’t stop you.”
“Don’t worry, I don’t,” I replied
“Thank Christ,” he grinned, relaxing a bit. “I love him, I do, but I don’t think I could handle that.”
“So...are you and Haz...are you okay then?”
Louis bit his lip and thought for a moment. “I don’t know. I mean, I want to be, sure. But, things won’t go back to normal just like that, you know? It might be awhile.”
I felt terrible again. “I’m really sorry, Louis.”
“You’ve said that too many times now,” he smiled and pulled me into a hug. “You’re my sister, JJ. And I love you. I’ll always love you.”
“I love you too,” I replied, squeezing him back. Sighing, we pulled apart. After all of that stress and humiliation and guilt, it was all over. Just like that. “So...” I began, still feeling a bit awkward. “Stockholm?”
Louis chuckled a bit. “Yeah, I was actually on my way back to London now. But I needed to talk to you first. I also wanted to bring you some things that I found. Thought they might interest you.”
He stood up and pulled something from his back pocket that I hadn’t noticed before. “I was staying that room when I was home and was looking for my missing Toms when I was packing. Found these under your bed instead.”
I took the envelopes from his hand and stared at them. They were all unopened and addressed to me. University of Edinburgh. University College London. King’s College London. University of Manchester. University of Bath.
Fucking Fizzy.
“But...but they aren’t open!” I cried, staring at the envelopes. “Fizzy...She told me...she said I was denied everywhere!”
Louis chuckled softly and sat back down next to me. “Our sister has been watching too much American television and assumed that because they were small, that they were denies. When I asked her about them, she also mentioned not wanting to go to prison for opening someone else’s letters.”
I gaped at him.
“I’m going to kill her!” I screeched, while my Louis laughed and pulled me back down to a sitting position.
“Calm down, JJ. You’re the one who put your future into the hands of a twelve year old!”
My anger with Fizzy quickly faded as I realized that there was still a chance I had been accepted to university. Those five unopened envelopes could carry good news still. Or, Fizzy could have assumed correctly – they could all be denies.
I stared at Louis, my hands beginning to shake. “I...I can’t open these.”
“Well, you’ve got to,” he replied. “Come on, which one is the one you want to go to the most?”
I looked back down at the letters, wondering if this was all really happening. “Uhm...King’s.”
“Right, so we’ll open that one last,” he said, taking it from me. “Start with your safety school.”
With trembling fingers, I ripped open the University of Bath letter. Unfolding the fingers, my eyes frantically scanned the page.
“Well?”
“I got in,” I gulped, unable to believe it. “I got in.”
Louis beamed. “You’re going to university, love! Now, which one is your reach school. Come on, we’ve got to open them all.”
“Oh, um...University College.” I was still in a daze about the whole thing. Was this real life?
Louis handed me the envelope and I opened it, my heart dropping. “No.”
“Right, try this one,” he said quickly, handing me University of Edinburgh. That was a no as well. “That’s okay,” he said comfortingly, as my breathing quickened. “Two more.”
The University of Manchester also accepted me, and on a scholarship. I actually grinned at that one, suddenly feeling excited as opposed to terrified. I was going to university.
“El is going to love that, my brother replied happily, picking up the last envelope and looking down at it. “So this is the one?” he asked. “King’s College is your top choice?”
It was. I had loved everything about the school and would kill to go there. I nodded. “You open it.”
Louis looked like he was about to protest, but thought better of it, and then ripped the letter open. I watched with bated breath as he read it, his face showing no emotion. But then, he frowned and looked up at me.
“I’m sorry, JJ.”
“Oh. Oh. Right.” I gulped. “No, that’s okay, I like Manchester well enough, you know...”
“I’m sorry that you’re going to have deal with me as flatmate.”
“Wait...what?”
His face broke out into a smile.
“Well, I can’t have my favorite sister living in some dingy dormitory, now can I? If you’re going to be living in London, you’re going to be living with me.”
I blinked at him, before snatching the letter away from him.
“I got in?” I asked frantically. “I got in!”
I launched myself at him, pulling him into a hug. I couldn’t believe it. Good things don’t just happen to me like this!
“Congratulations,” he laughed, hugging me back. “You deserve it, JJ.”
“Oh my God,” I beamed, unable to contain my excitement. “I got in! I’m going to King’s! Holy shit. I have to tell someone.”
I grabbed my phone and typed in the numbers by heart, waiting impatiently as the phone rang and rang. But Niall didn’t pick up.
As I listened to his voicemail message, my heart sank, and I remembered the fact that he wasn’t talking to me at the moment.
“Something wrong?” Louis asked, concerned.
“Nope, nothing,” I replied, clicking the phone off. “Just forgot that Eleanor is out of the country still, is all.”
“She’ll be back in a few days,” Louis replied, standing. “Mum and Dad will be thrilled for you, though. Listen, I’d love to stay and celebrate, but I want to get to London at a reasonable hour,” Louis said, standing up. “Congratulations again, JJ.”
“Thanks,” I smiled and hugged him again. “Have fun in Sweden.”
Louis left then and I was left on my own with that letter. I should have been buzzing, but for some reason, my chest hurt. I couldn’t focus on the fact that I got into my favorite university when it felt like my heart was breaking.
And I had no idea why.
**
The boys had been in Stockholm for few days when I got a call from an unknown number on my new mobile. I had gone back to my Mum’s after Louis left, as most of the Directioners outside had given up as well. It was nice to be back in my own room, and since I was now officially going to Uni, Mum was a lot easier on me. But, just because life seemed easier, didn’t mean I wasn’t still wary when I got a random ass phone call.
“Er...hello?” I asked hesitantly.
"Say nothing about what you are hear to any one," the familiar voice ordered. "But you must do exactly as we tell you."
"Zayn?" I questioned. "How did you get this number?"
"There is no Zayn," he replied. "Only Agent Zed. And I got it from Agent L."
"Who is Agent L?" I asked, completely bewildered.
There was shuffling on the other end of the line. "We don't have time for the questions," Liam said urgently.
"Liam, tell me how you got my new number."
"Spies never reveal their secrets!"
"Liam."
"...We got it from Louis, who else? Now enough questions! You have to listen to us very carefully."
I sighed. What were these two up to? I wasn't in the mood.
“Aren’t you supposed to be recording a new album?”
"Are you not listening?" he asked. “No more questions!”
I sighed. "Fine, Liam. I’m listening.”
"Well, you're not in a very good mood, are you?"
"Give it here, L, you're not supposed to talk to her just give her the instructions!" Zayn, or Agent Zed, got back on the line. "Now, listen, Tommo. You must go to the front of your house right now and retrieve the unmarked package from your post box."
"Are you serious?" I asked, though I swung my legs off the couch and stood, heading towards the front door. "What the hell are you lot playing at?"
"No more questions!"
Rolling my eyes, I peaked through the front window to make sure no Directioners had shown up. Coast was clear, though.
I opened the door and leaned out to open the post box next to the door. In it were some random catalogs, some bills, my subscription to Four Four Two (finally!) and one unmarked envelope. Sticking the other mail underneath my arm, I held it up, suspiciously.
"What is it?"
"Why don't you open it and find out?" Zed asked, as I was now on speaker phone.
I rolled my eyes again and did as he asked. I ripped it open and took out the slip of heavy paper, glancing over it.
"What...why is there a plane ticket to Sweden in my post box?”
"A plane ticket? A plane ticket?" Liam asked, sounding incredibly offended. "It's a first class plane ticket to Stockholm."
"Right, but why is it in my post box."
"Our sources tell us that One Direction are currently recording their new album there. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be travel to Stockholm and patch things up between your brother and Harry and Niall because shit is fucking awkward and we’re sick of it. Or..erm...Zayn and Liam are sick of it."
"Please stop talking like you work for MI6, Zayn."
"We want you to come and hang out with us," Liam filled in. "Settle everything once and for all, you know? Just, straighten things out.”
“I already spoke to Louis,” I replied, heading back inside. “We’re okay.”
“Yeah, but, he and Harry are being off around each other,” Zayn replied. “And Niall...”
“Niall is just not, well he’s not himself.”
“He isn’t answering my texts or calls,” I said sadly. “I’ve tried to apologize for lying to him.”
There was silence on the other end for a moment and I could almost see them looking at each other.
“We really think you should come out here, JJ.”
“Liam...I...I can’t.” The last thing I wanted was to be in a room with all of them again. “Besides, I think Management wants me to stay away from you guys for a while. Until this all blows over, you know?”
They sighed. “Well, just think about it okay? We’d really like to see you. Oh, gotta go. Savan is calling us in. Love you, JJ.”
“Love you too Zayn. Good luck with the record.”
“Bye, JJ!”
“Bye Liam.”
I hung up my mobile and collapsed on to the couch, looking at the plane ticket. It was sweet of them to get it for me, but I wasn’t going.
**
“I go to Greece for two bloody weeks and I miss everything,” Eleanor cried, bursting into my room and throwing her bags onto the bed before sitting on it herself. “So. Spill.”
“Good to see you too, El,” I giggled, smiling at her. She was, quite literally, the only person who could make me laugh at this point in time, as I still felt so bad about the One Direction situation and the hate just kept coming.
I was thrilled to see Eleanor, though, as I was still somewhat quarantined to the house. She had been back in the UK for a week, but exams had taken precedence over her coming to visit me.
“First of all, congrats on Uni. While I would have killed for you to come to Manchester, getting to visit you in London will almost make up for the fact that you’re so far away.”
“You can visit Louis in London all the time!”
“He’s barely ever there,” she replied. “But, when he’s gone we can throw massive parties in your flat and make him super jealous. Anyway, now get to the good stuff! How big is Harry’s peen?!”
“Oh my God,” I dropped my head into my hands. “You’re ridiculous.”
Eleanor then gave me her puppy-dog eyes, so, I spilled. I told her everything – starting way back with Nathan, through my adoration of Liam, to the final horrifying moment of watching myself on Tumblr run half naked down the hallway in a certified walk of shame.
At the end of it all, El blinked. “So...you were snogging Harry that whole time after I left?” I nodded. “And you didn’t tell me?” She seemed genuinely hurt by this.
“I’m sorry, El. I didn’t tell anyone about it.”
Eleanor sighed and ran a hand through her dark hair. “I do have to ask, though. Why Harry? I mean...I didn’t think you went for the slightly arrogant type, four-nippled type.”
“Well, I don’t really,” I shrugged. “But – oh, this sounds terrible – he was...there and he was so incredibly sweet at times and he made me feel so good about myself when we were together. It was for purely selfish reasons, I know. I’m a terrible person.” She ignored that last bit.
“Oh, I want to hear the sweet things!” El gushed, clapping her hands together.
I blushed a little. “Well, he would just say that I was sexy and he got me the dress even though I told him not to and - ”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Eleanor interrupted, staring at me. “What do you mean ‘got me the dress’? What dress?”
“You know, the dress. The one for the KCA’s that was too expensive and...El, what’s wrong?”
She looked furious. “I am going to kill him,” she bit out. “That wanking tosspot. I’m going to kill him.”
“What? Why?” I asked, utterly confused.
“Did he really say that?” she asked, eyes wild. “Did he really tell you that he bought that dress for you?”
“Oh...well...” I thought back. “No. Not explicitly. Actually, not at all but I just assumed...wait...he didn’t?” I watched in disbelief as El shook her head slowly. “Then who got it for me?”
She looked at me like I was an idiot. “Niall, of course!”
“Niall?”
“Don’t sound so surprised,” she tutted. “That boy would do anything for you.”
“But...why would Niall buy it for me? And how did he know?”
“He knew because he came and asked me,” El replied. “He said you seemed upset and wanted to know if something had happened. I told him about the dress, showed him the picture, and the next thing I knew he was on the phone to one of the other assistants telling them to go get it first thing in the morning. And as for why,” she gave me a smile. “Because he’s in love with you.”
I stared at her. “I’m...I’m sorry. I think I just had a brain aneurism. What did you just say?”
“Niall Horan is in love with you, JJ,” she repeated, a wide grin on her beautiful face.
“No, he’s not,” I let out a disbelieving laugh. “No...no?”
“He got you the dress,” El ticked off on her fingers. “He rescued you from shark-infested waters, he took you to the Chelsea training ground, he tells you everything, he thinks the sun shines out of your ass, he punched Louis defending your honor! He bought you those concert tickets and even let Harry have them so you wouldn’t know that Haz forgot your birthday!”
“Wait, what?”
I was still focused on the fact that Eleanor thought Niall was in love with me that I almost missed that last bit.
Almost.
“Harry forgot my birthday?”
“Not so sweet now, is he?”
“And Niall gave him those tickets to give to me?”
“The boy would rather you go see your favorite band with someone else than to even have you upset for one moment. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.”
“So...basically...” I stuttered, trying to figure it all out in my head. “All the things I liked about Harry, was actually Niall?”
“Seems so,” she replied, shrugging.
“And...you think he loves me?”
“I don’t think, I know. I’ve known for a while, actually.”
“Wait...you’ve known for a while? Now who’s not sharing important information?”
“He made me promise not to tell you.”
Okay, now I was really confused. And slightly annoyed. “I think you need to start at the beginning,” I glared, but El merely shrugged.
“It was after that party we had at Louis and Harry’s before you left for tour. I caught you two snogging in your room and - ”
“What???”
“Can you really not remember anything when you drink?” she asked disbelievingly, but I felt like my head was about to explode.
“We were snogging?”
“Mmhmm,” she nodded. “Quite vigorously, as well, I might add. Anyway, I walked by your room on my way to the loo and saw you two having a snog fest. I shut the door for you, being the amazing friend that I am, so Louis wouldn’t see, and let you two go at it.”
“But...Niall told me nothing happened!”
“You’re as bad at catching someone lying as you are at telling them yourself,” she replied. “I was going to say something the next morning, but not while Louis was around. But later I saw Niall and he pulled me aside and practically begged me to keep my mouth shut. Apparently, after sucking his face off, you told him that you didn’t fancy him. You fancied Liam and his abs of steel. And then you mentioned this whole university scenario and then started singing ‘Scenes from an Italian Restaurant’ before you passed out.”
This was all too much to handle.
“I really said that to him?”
“Yep,” she replied, popping her lips. “And then I forced out of him the fact that he fancied you. Which, after spending those couple of weeks with you on tour, is completely obvious and I’m actually annoyed that I didn’t figure it out sooner. Or you. What kind of girl are you, anyways?”
“Niall doesn’t love me,” I said firmly, standing up and pacing the floor. “He definitely doesn’t. And even if he may have fancied me at one point he doesn’t anymore. He won’t respond to any of my texts or calls or anything.”
“Can you blame him?” Eleanor asked. “He’s upset. You were hooking up with one of his best mates behind his back. And he definitely still fancies you, you just need to give him a bit of time. One doesn’t just fall out of love that quickly.”
“He isn’t in love with me,” I repeated. “And I stopped fancying Liam rather quickly, so it is possible.”
She rolled her eyes. “Please, you never actually fancied Liam.”
“Yes, I did!” I protested.
“No, you fancied the idea of Liam. You were so desperate for a boyfriend who would treat you right and be sweet and cuddly and follow you around. Like a puppy. Because that is what Liam is. A big puppy. And believe me, I love Liam, he is wonderful, but you two would have been fucking terrible together.”
“What? Why?”
“You would have been bored out of your mind within the first week. The boy doesn’t drink, he’s Captain Sensible. You are anything but sensible!”
Well, she had me there.
“This doesn’t change the fact that Niall isn’t in love with me.”
“Why are you so stubborn?” she asked angrily. “Niall is perfect for you.”
“But he’s my best friend,” I shot back, and Eleanor raised her eyebrows. Shit. I suddenly felt like I had been doused with freezing cold water. “You...you think he loves me?”
El nodded solemnly. “I know he loves you. But if you don’t believe me, why don’t you just ask him yourself?”
“He isn’t answering my calls, I told you,” I mumbled sitting back down on the bed and dropping my head into my hands.
“Oh, well it’s a damn shame you don’t have a fucking first class ticket to Sweden, otherwise that would just solve all of our problems,” she said sarcastically.
I glared at her. “You and Dani talk too much. I’m not just showing up in Stockholm and being like, ‘oh hey Niall, heard you might be in love with me, want to talk about it?”
“Why the hell not?” she cried, throwing her arms out in exasperation.
“Because he doesn’t and I’ll look like an idiot!”
“The only way you’re an idiot is if you don’t talk to him.”
“I’m not going,” I said stubbornly.
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
I should have known better than to try and argue with Eleanor, as a week later I found myself in a taxi sitting outside the boys’ studio in Stockholm. El had told my parents about the plan, and they had been completely on board, though I fought against the pressure they put on me. It got a point, though, when I knew I didn’t really have any other options. One event in particular, made me see I had no choice but to face the situation head on.
I had made the mistake of going to the Tesco with Lottie one afternoon, after my Mum forced me to shower and actually put on clothing besides my sweatpants and a grungy t-shirt. Needless to say, the trip did not end well, as on the way home we were heckled by some of the boys a few years ahead of Lottie in school.
“Styles is gonna go for you next, Lottie!” one of the boys yelled at us, while his friends made lewd gestures with their hands.
“Yeah, he likes to fuck all the Tomlinson’s!” Another one yelled, “even your faggy brother!”
“Ignore them,” Lottie hissed at me, grabbing my arm as if she thought I would go after the twats. Which, had this happened a month earlier, I would have done. But now, my head hurt too much and it took all my energy to keep from crying, that I had no will to even try to defend myself. I hated myself, though, that I couldn’t defend my sister.
“Do...do people say things like that you often?” I asked quietly, once we were closer to home.
Lottie looked up at me, her big eyes glistening slightly. “A bit. Recently, it’s been more than usual.”
“Because of me,” I gulped, understanding. “I’m so sorry, Lottie.”
“It’s not because of you,” she said quickly, but I didn’t believe her.
I broke down crying again that night over dinner, when my Mum answered yet another call from a tabloid wanting to know my thoughts about Harry supposedly hooking up with a 32-year-old married woman. Lottie told her what had happened on the way home from the shop, and my mum instantly called the airlines, setting up my flight.
“You have nothing to lose,” she said, hugging me as I sobbed into her chest. “I promise, things will get better.”
The next day I was in Scandinavia, sitting in the back of a cab and watching the crowd of fangirls with a sickening taste in my mouth. I had my sweatshirt hood pulled up tightly over my head, hoping they wouldn’t see me.
I had texted Liam and Zayn from the airport and they had given me the address of where to show up. Paul was standing near the door of the cab, looking at me with sympathy in his eyes. He gave me a small smile and held his hand out to me.
“How are you, JJ?” He asked, as I stepped out to meet him, my legs shaky.
I didn’t get to answer, at the girls screamed at the sight of someone new entering the building. Whether or not they recognized me, I don’t know, but it didn’t stop them from taking pictures and shouting to get my attention. Paul wrapped a massive arm around my shoulder and ushered me inside.
“I’m okay,” I replied, stepping away from him once we were out of sight of the paparazzi and fans. “I’m okay.”
“You’ll forgive me if I don’t believe you,” he said softly, squeezing my shoulder. I looked away. “The boys are upstairs. Waiting for you.”
I swallowed hard and followed him up, my legs feeling like lead. Paul led me through some rooms before coming to Studio 12. He gave me a comforting smile and shoved the door open, as I lowered my hood.
Liam was eating a pizza and playing on his computer. Zayn was on his mobile. Harry and Louis were in the corner playing FIFA and looking like nothing had every happened between them, which gave me an immense sense of relief as I entered the room.
I didn’t see Niall.
“JJ!” Zayn acknowledged, jumping up and pulling me into a tight hug. “You alright?” he whispered in my ear, and I nodded slightly, though he shot me a skeptical look.
“Hey, JJ!” Liam grinned, always oblivious, but adorable nonetheless.
I gave an awkward wave to Harry and Louis, neither of whom seemed surprised that I was there. My brother gave me a smile and Harry actually blushed when he saw me, before winking. But it wasn’t the normal arrogant, flirtatious wink that I had come to associate him with. It was a supportive, ‘everything will be alright’ wink. And also a wink that said that he knew something I didn’t.
“Hi Savan,” I greeted their producer, who gave me a smile in return.
Then, I caught sight of my favorite Irishman. Niall was in the recording booth, standing up to the microphone and clearly ready to sing. I shot him a smile, trying not to look too nervous.
“He can’t see you,” Zayn said, from next to me. “One way glass.”
“Oh. Right.”
“We’re glad you could come, JJ,” Harry said softly. “We missed you.”
I took a deep gulp of air. “Yeah...I just...I think there is a lot we need to talk about.”
“Before we get to anything too serious,” Louis said, standing. “I think that you should hear something first. It might make you feel a bit better.”
Louis nodded at Savan then, who turned and spoke into the microphone. “Hey, Niall. Why don’t you do ‘Someone Like You’ all the way through, yeah?”
“Right now?” Niall asked, looking confused. The sound of his voice gave me goose bumps. “But I thought we were going to work on Heartbreaker?”
“No, let’s do your song first. All the way through once, okay?”
“Yeah, okay,” Niall nodded, adjusting his headphones. Savan pressed some buttons and music filled the room. Some guitar, some drums, upbeat and peppy. I liked it already. But then Niall started to sing, and I couldn’t focus on anything else. Just his voice and the words coming out of his mouth.
You’ve got a price tag hanging on the back of your dress,
You’ve got your shoes undone and your hair is a mess,
But no one sees you like I do.
You roll the windows down when it’s starting to rain,
Yeah everybody else might think you’re insane,
But no one sees you like I do.
It was suddenly very hard to breath, but I couldn’t stop staring at him.
Cause the little things, mean so much to me.
My girl, I’d cross the whole world
For someone like you, oh, oh,
No matter where I go, oh, oh,
My unpredictable girl,
You’re impossible girl...
I was suddenly aware of Louis standing next to me, watching my face closely. Again, though, I couldn’t tear my gaze away from Niall, as I tried to understand what was going on.
You love to sing along when you don’t know the words,
You’ll lock the keys in the car cause you don’t have a purse,
Yeah no one sees you like I do.
You only show up right out of the blue
And twenty minutes late’s five early for you
Yeah no one sees you like I do.
It was about me. The song was about me. And I didn’t know how I felt about that.
ause the little things mean so much to me...
My girl, I’d cross the whole world
For someone like you, oh, oh,
No matter where I go, oh, oh,
My unpredictable girl,
You’re impossible girl,
You know that it’s true, oh oh,
No matter what you do,
I’d cross the world for someone like you.
The music ended and Niall pulled his headphones off, looking at the glass. That song was so...perfect. It was cute and funny and just completely and utterly me. I nearly jumped, thinking he could see me, but I felt a comforting hand on my back and turned to see Louis watching me closely. We just looked at each other, communicating without words.
‘It’s all for you,’ his look told me and panic must have crossed my face, because he squeezed my hand comfortingly.
“How ‘d it go?” Niall asked into the microphone, but no one responded to him, as they were all staring at me, waiting for a reaction. “Hello? Savan?”
Then, he moved to the door and opened it, stepping out into the main studio room. Clearly confused, Niall looked at our group, all standing silently. But then his eyes landed on me and all the blood drained from his face.
“JJ! Oh...erm...hello.”
I just blinked at him, too shocked to speak. There was a moment of silence, before Harry cleared his throat awkwardly.
“I’m hungry,” he announced. “Anyone up for some food?”
“I am!” Zayn jumped up to join him, and soon everyone except Niall and I were shuffling out of the room. Louis was the last one to leave, giving me one last squeeze on the shoulder, before exiting and shutting the door behind him. Then, it was just me and Niall, facing each other and not saying a word.
“So, uhm,” he started, “how are you?”
“Fine,” I managed to reply.
“Oh, good.”
Another silence.
“I liked the song,” I finally said, trying to keep my voice steady. “Loved it, actually. Is it, um, going on the record?”
“No,” he replied with a sheepish smile. “It was...it was just for you.”
The sweetness of the sentiment almost made me melt, but I was able to hold it together.
“JJ,” Niall started. “I’m – I’m really sorry that I haven’t answered your calls or texts. Louis told me about Uni and I am so happy for you. I just..I was in a weird place and - ”
“Eleanor told me that you love me,” I blurted, interrupting him.
“Oh...” He said, blinking at me, blood draining again from his naturally pale face. “She did?”
I nodded, watching him closely. When he didn’t say anything, I swallowed. “Well...do you?”
“Oh...well...I might. A bit. Maybe just a little. Yes. Yes, I do. Love you, I mean.”
“Oh. Okay.” I said, wondering for a moment why my chest hurt and why my brain wasn’t working properly anymore. None of this made any sense. I wasn’t the type of girl that popstars fell in love with. I knew that. Let alone fantastic ones like Niall. It was just too much to wrap my head around, I didn’t understand. “But...why?”
Niall looked caught off guard by my questions, almost at a loss for words. But then he ran a stressed hand through his hair and sighed audibly.
“Because you’re fucking amazing, that’s why,” he replied, almost annoyed with me for asking what he clearly thought was a dumb question. “Because you don’t take shit from anyone. Because you smell like vanilla and fresh cut grass. You snort when you laugh too hard. Because you freak out more about meeting Frank Lampard than you do about meeting Justin Bieber. You would do absolutely anything for the people that you love. You have the most wicked sense of humor and sarcasm. You’re the funniest drunk I’ve every seen in my life. You know every single word to every Bon Jovi or Billy Joel song but couldn’t even sing the chorus to What Makes You Beautiful until half way through tour. You’re the only girl I know who actually takes pride in the fact she has a massive scar on her leg. You talk in your sleep. Your eyes turn a shade brighter blue when you’re excited about something. You like to eat just as much as I do. You’re really, really smart and funny and beautiful, but you have no fucking clue.” He stopped then and looked at me gaping at him. “I could go on for a while, but I think I’ve freaked you out enough for now.”
He smiled slightly again, his blue eyes hopeful and scared at the same time. I literally could think of nothing to say, except: “How long?”
Again, Niall looked surprised at the questions I was choosing to ask, and he blinked a few times in confusion before answering. “Um, probably since the first time I met you. When you told Simon that he was a pedophile, I knew right away that I’d never meet another girl like you.”
I blushed and let out a short laugh at the memory, the tension in my body leaving quickly. This was Niall, just Niall, my best friend, who could make me laugh no matter what, who I could tell anything.
And he loved me.
“What are you thinking right now?” Niall asked, taking a step closer to me, a true smile across his face.
“Honestly,” I let out a breath, rubbing my face with my hands. “I have no fucking clue what I’m thinking. This is just...that song and that speech. And Eleanor told me about the dress and the concert tickets and how we snogged at that party...”
“Right,” Niall looked embarrassed again. “Sorry about not telling you about that. You just seemed to terrified that something had happened and when you told me you fancied Liam I just panicked.”
“Niall, it’s okay,” I said quickly. “I’m not mad. I’m just trying to digest it all, I guess.”
We were quiet again. I stood there with my arms crossed protectively over my chest, biting my lip so hard I could taste the salty blood, as I tried to figure out just how I felt. Niall stood across from me, hands shoved in the pockets of his trousers and scuffing his trainers along the carpet.
“I don’t mean to pressure you or anything,” he said after a moment. “But...is there any chance that you...you know?”
I looked up at him, swallowing hard. “Any chance that I love you back?”
He nodded, looking positively terrified. I was terrified as well. My heart was beating out of my chest and my palms were clammy. But I knew the answer to his question.
“Yes.” I jumped a bit, startling myself with how easy it was to say. And how happy it made me to say it. “I love you too.”
The smile on Niall’s face was one I will never forget, and I felt myself grinning wildly as well. I did love him. There was no doubt in my mind. He was everything I wanted and needed. And I couldn’t believe I hadn’t realized it until now.
A moment later Niall was standing directly in front of me, and we looked at each other for a moment, before both dissolving into laughter at our ridiculous situation.
“I can’t believe this,” he said after a moment, his hands coming to rest on my hips. “I never thought...I never thought you’d see me as anything more than a friend.”
“I’m sorry it too me so long to realize...” I whispered, but he silenced me with a finger to my lips.
My breath caught in my throat as his body, toned and warm, pressed against mine and his fingers, calloused from his guitar playing, traced their way down my jaw line. My gaze flickered up to his eyes, and my heart swelled instantly.
This was actually happening to me.
“You’re so beautiful, JJ.”
He leaned in and I closed my eyes, wondering if this was all a dream.
Then, I heard the roar of the screaming crowd outside and I realized it wasn’t a dream...it was a nightmare.
“I can’t,” I blurted, jumping away from him as if I had been shocked. Niall looked stunned, staring at me with disbelief and disappointment.
“What? Why?”
I suddenly felt like I was in Sydney Harbour again, cold and blind, with the walls closing in around me. The girls outside screamed again and shiver went up my spine.
“JJ, what’s wrong?” Niall asked urgently, reaching out to me, but I jerked away from his touch.
It was crazy. I knew that. But I had caught sight of the security camera in the corner of the studio. I remembered the flashing lights of the cameras when I came into the building, having to hide under a blanket. The death threats. The insults.
When I had first left for tour with One Direction, I had thought I could handle it. But now...
I was going off to University. I had a chance at a fresh start without the drama and the pressure of being connected to a boy in One Direction. Did I want to just give that up?
I looked over at Niall, slow tears rolling down my face and my heart aching.
“I can’t do this, Niall.”
He looked crestfallen, before trying to rally himself. “JJ, whatever is wrong, we can work through it, okay? I promise, everything will be alright.”
“I can’t,” I replied, choking back my sobs. “Not after everything with Harry.”
“Harry doesn’t care,” Niall said urgently, grabbing my hands. “I’ve spoken to him. Louis doesn’t either. They – they want us to be together. I promise you. I was going to come see you when we were back in the UK and play you the song and I asked Louis if it was alright and he said we would be perfect for each other,” he rambled.
I was nearly hyperventilating at this point and I was unable to look at his desperate face.
“I can’t take it, Niall. I can’t take the hate, the stress. I can’t take people watching my every move and being controlled by Management. I know what Eleanor and Dani have to deal with and all the problems this is causing my family...I don’t want that...I don’t.”
Niall looked so utterly broken, that I had to step away from him, my legs feeling numb.
“It won’t be like that,” he argued weakly. “I promise.” But even he didn’t sound convinced of what he was saying.
I wanted to be with Niall. I did. But not if a complete loss of my freedom and privacy came with it. It was hard enough being the sister of Louis Tomlinson. Add on to that that I was now the former fling of Harry Styles...and then the new girlfriend of Niall Horan? And I couldn’t only think about me. I had to think about my family. I had to think about Niall, too. It wouldn’t be fair to him for me to bring this extra drama into his life.
I couldn’t do it.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, looking at him one last time.
The sight of him hurt my heart and I nearly broke down right there when he sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his arm. But someone how, I managed to turn away and leave the studio, not stopping until I found the back exit and made my way out onto the brightly lit Stockholm street. The girls screamed and I ran, not looking back.
When I finally was able to calm myself, I hailed a cab, and pulled out my phone.
“Mum,” I choked, when she answered. “I need you to pick me up from the airport. Tonight.”
I was going home. I was starting over. I was going to have as much of a normal life as possible. This would all blow over eventually. And if Niall and I couldn’t be friends anymore...so be it. The thought broke my heart, but life would be easier for everyone if I just stayed the hell away from One Direction.
And that’s what I was going to do. This was a new start. A new me.
♠ ♠ ♠
xx