Even if it Kills Me

I flopped on my bed, not even bothering to change my clothes. I cried for what seemed like hours, but the clock told me it had only been forty-three minutes.

Without even thinking about it, my feet touched the floor and I was quietly pushing Aoi’s door open.

Pale slivers of moonlight leaked through his curtains, and I could see him lying on his bed, wide awake.

“Aoi?”

He sat up and looked at me in surprise.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, in shock.

“I wanted to see you, I guess.” I told him, whispering so no one else would hear.

“I’ll hurt you," he protested.

“I’ll take that risk.” I replied, earnestly.

He sighed, and reached for my hand. I let him take it, and I sat beside him on his bed. He traced my hand with his thumb.

“There are just so many things that I could say – that I should say, right now,” he began, struggling with his words.

“But I don’t know how to begin.” He finished.

“It’ll come to you when the time is truly right,” I told him.

He shook his head.

“It’s something I should have said a long time ago. If I did, none of us would be involved in this mess, right now. I never would have found her,” he said, venom coating his voice when he mentioned her.

“If I had said what I wanted to say, I would, hopefully, be the happiest man alive right now.” He paused, and swallowed. “I wish I wasn’t so stupid.”

I shushed him, and said, “You are not stupid. You just made a mistake. You’re only human. We all fuck up at some point in our lives. That point just happens to be right now, for you. But, you’ll learn from it. And in the end, it’ll be a lesson. Not a mistake at all.”

He silently thanked me and traced my fingers with his free hand, playing with the one ring I wore on my right thumb.

“What’s this?” he asked.

“It was Aiji’s,” I said, my voice strained. “It’s his class ring from graduating middle school. He wore it every day, including the day that he…”Aoi reached up and brushed away my tears that I didn’t know had fallen.

“Please don’t cry,” he breathed, inching closer to me.

My breath caught in my throat as his lips met mine. The kiss was light and full of things that I can’t even describe.

It was brief, but sweet, and I enjoyed every second of it.

Aoi rested his forehead against mine and hugged me close.

He released me and said, “You should get some rest.”

“But I want to stay with you,” I protested.

He cracked a tiny smile. “If you stayed here, Uruha wouldn’t be happy with us.”

“I don’t care,” I told him. “I can go back to my room before he even finds out.”

Aoi scooped me up, bridal style, and took me back to my room. He put me in my bed and covered us both with the blankets.

“I’ll be here until you fall asleep,” he compromised.

“Okay,” I told him, enjoying his warmth.

He kissed my forehead, and all too soon, I found myself in Dreamland.

--------

The next morning, I awoke to Uruha lightly shaking me awake.

“Hey, get your stuff ready. Miyavi is waiting outside.” He murmured.

I sleepily nodded my head, slid out of bed, as Uruha left me to pack.

I packed a week’s worth of clothes, and tugged my stuff down the hall.

I could hear someone throwing up in the bathroom. Aoi. I guessed that was a sign of his withdrawal.

I shuddered, and was about to continue down the hallway when Reita took my bags and carried them for me.

“Thank you,” I told him, relieved that I wouldn’t have to lug it all down the stairs.

Miyavi was waiting in the living room and immediately reached out to embrace me. I hugged him back.

“I’m sorry about all of this,” he told me.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but still…” he whined.

I tugged a stray piece of his hair, making him flinch. He laughed, poked my nose, and led me outside to the car.