Never Meant to Be

"Was you doing?" Daneil slurred, looking up at me from his place on the battered couch.

His brown eyes were bloodshot, his dark hair dirty and unbrushed. He could barely manage to speak. Basically, he was high and he temper was indecisive. I found it easier to leave when he was like this, it was better for both of us.

"Just around the corner to see Kayla." A lie. Kayla Kale moved four months ago to live with her grandma after her dad was arrested for a murder he didn't commit. Of course, Daneil knew this, it just seemed to be absent from his memory at the moment.

"Why? The boys are 'bout to come over." I grimaced, but successfully hid it. That was another reason I was leaving. I wasn't about to lock myself in my room again. Not that I planned on telling him that.

"She wants me to come over. Said she needed help on some homework." Another lie. I hadn't been to school in the past month or so. Being expelled had that effect on one's life. "Tell them I'm sorry I missed them." Crossing my fingers behind my back, I scooted closer to the door. "I'll be back later. Promise." I didn't give him a chance to say anything else before I closed the door.

To be truthful, there wasn't much of a variation between the inside of the house and all that surrounded it on the outside. Heck, the people even resembled the place. It didn't even qualify as a town in my book, not that that counted for much. Everything was ruined, in disrepair, dirty, rusted. Run-down, to sum it all up. There was no green grass, the trees - whenever one could find a suitable spot to grow - were always bare, even in mid-summer. Many of the buildings were boarded up. Graffiti where ever someone found a flat surface.

At least there were sidewalks.

Kind of....

Thankfully, I knew my way around well enough not to get lost, but this wasn't exactly the kind of 'town' that you would want to roam around in. And I still had an hour and a half before I could go back home.

Not that this was my home.

Suddenly, I knew where I wanted to go. There was a rusted park type of set up on the next street over. No one actually played there, no mother in their right mind would let their child go anywhere in this town unsupervised, but it was the perfect place to go when you had nowhere else to be.

The gate creaked when I pushed it open and the sad excuse for grass that used to grow here was reduced to a giant sandbox. The slide looked like it was about to crumble into an overused metal heap at any moment and the merry-go-round wouldn't even spin any longer, but surprisingly, the swing was sturdy enough to hold me, still it took a moment or two before I trusted it enough to settle my full weight on it.

I leaned my head against the chain and kicked at the dust beneath my worn sneakers.

It was hot, hotter than it should be with no sun clear in the sky, and no wind blew to ease the heat. It was uncomfortable, and I felt that ache in my chest heave.

I'd lived here for almost two months and things still didn't feel right. It didn't help that I'd been kicked out of school only a week after enrolling. No matter how many times I'd told Daneil to keep his things to himself, he still manages to get me expelled for drugs.

It could be worse though, I could have chosen to stay with Micheal. Cold rage filled me, and I nearly broke my toe kicking the ground as hard as I did. I still had to Mai back. It was only six more months. Thinking about her, my poor poor baby, made my eyes well up. She was stuck with him while I had escaped. But I wasn't any help to her beaten and bruised.

Not that Daneil was much better.

No, I told myself harshly, I was lucky that Daneil had come back that night, if not, I'm not sure where I would. Micheal had been screaming at me through the door while I ignored him, lying still on my bed, Mai beside me, wide awake.

And besides, when Daneil hit me, it wasn't his fault, and he never realized when he did it, he was so out of it. With Micheal, it was premeditated.

Mom and Dad would never have let any of this happen.

A tear weaved a wet trail across my cheek and I wiped it away roughly. It was stupid and useless to cry. Crying would never help anybody; it just made the situation worse.

"Hey! Alli!" I looked up sharply, instantly noticing Jemaine by his mop of dark waves and brilliant hazel eyes that always seemed to be a curious mix of blue and green, with dark brown swirls. His smile was probably the only bright thing in this whole place. As per usual for him, it was crooked and he actually looked happy, something I hadn't quite managed to perfect yet.

"Shouldn't you be in school?" I called back, smiling though it didn't reach my eyes, I knew.

"Shouldn't you?" He mocked, sitting in the swing beside mine.

I shot him a look. "Real funny."

"Hey, it's not my fault your brother's an idiot. Besides, I miss seeing your smiling face every day."

"Yeah right, I didn't even have any classes with you." I told him, lightly punching his arm.

He laughed. "You're point?"

"I guess I don't have one." I said and rolled my eyes. "Seriously though, why aren't you in school?"

"Ma had me help her move the last of the things to the house and I didn't feel like school after that."

I felt my face fall. "Why'd you have to bring that up? It seems like everyone is escaping but me."

"Aww, come on. You just got here. You haven't had a chance to see its full potential." He tried, but realized that I wasn't just playing. "Look, Alli.... Have you been crying?" He voice was appalled and concerned all in one.

I shot him a 'leave it alone' stare and turned away, more than embarrassed. Jemaine never cried and it was pathetic that I had, even if it was only a few tears.

"It's alright to cry, Alli. You know that, don't you?" He said softly, placing his hand on my leg. I jerked away automatically, not realizing I had until he was in front of me, forcing me to look at him.

"What's going on?" His eyes were hard and angry, I couldn't tell if his anger was directed at me or not, but either way, I tried to pull away, glaring at him.

"Nothing. It's nothing. Just drop it please?" I pleaded, feeling my eyes well up again. Stupid girlie emotions. I clenched my jaw in agitation.

"Alli, I've been around you almost constantly. I've noticed things. Like how Daneil can be real moody at times. And how usually after those nights, I see you with a new bruise and a stupid excuse about how you 'fell'. And just now, flinching away. If something's going on, if I find out you didn't tell me-"

"So what if I don't tell you everything about me?! And what would it matter if something was happening?! What would you do? Protect me? Take care of me?! I don't need to be taken care of. I can take care of myself!" I screamed back at him, irritation flaring up and clouding my vision. He didn't know how much worse it would be with Micheal, how lucky I had got with Daneil. I wouldn't just have had a bruise, i'd have a broken arm, or some other injury that would take weeks to heal. I jumped up off the swing, unable to stay still. Why couldn't he understand?

"Oh really? You can take care of yourself? Then how the hell do you have a bruise across your cheek every other f****** week?" He spat. "And on your shoulders, and around your wrists?!"

I recoiled as if he'd stuck me, then made my face blank and simply stared at him. "Anything that happens to me is my own business. I'll handle it myself. The way I want to" Sticking true to my nature, I disappeared before anything else could be said.

Which I instantly regretted. Jemaine was really the only one who I actually liked here. He was nice and actually genuinely happy. The complete opposite everyone else here. Sighing heavily at my own stupidity, I turned to go down my road.

What was I thinking, getting into a fight with him right before he was about to leave for good? I just keep making everything harder for myself.

I didn't even bother saying anything to Daneil. I ignored him and went straight to my room, slamming and locking my bedroom door behind me.

Almost because I had to, I stood in front of the mirror that hung on the back of my door. It was splotchy and unclear, but still usable.

Lightly, I ran my finger across the pale green mark that stretched out over my cheek and temple, then let my hand drop to my side.

I still looked like I had three months ago, for the most part.

Same mess of stupid wheat blonde curls, only they were longer, to the middle of my back, instead of a few inches above. I was skinner now, but not too bad. The angle of my neck was the same, the same curve of my chin, and sweep of my curls over my forehead. Even my eyes had stayed the same.

Almost.

The color was the same, a weird, slightly unnerving combination of gray and dark blue. But the expression in them was all wrong. More vulnerable and verging on a wounded animal, caged and frightened.

Disgusted, I turned and collapsed face-first on the bed. How was I going to help Mai when I was so weak? It was already too late for Fay' she'd been put into a hospital a week after I left after an attempt at suicide.

But Mai was smaller, I told myself, more resilient. And I'd never forgive myself is anything happened to my baby sister.

I rolled over and plucked at the silver locket that concealed the depiction of my parents. Sighing longingly, I popped it open.

The picture had been taken two years before the accident, at the beach. Mom's blonde waves were loose, a pale spray of blue blossoms the exact shade of her eyes tucked behind ear. Dad was standing beside her, his arms draped around her slim waist, pulling her close. His gray eyes were bright, crinkling in the corners as he smiled. They simply looked at each other while the sun set behind them, the ocean calm and gently waving in the background.

Reluctantly, I snapped the locket closed and let it fall, the metal cool as it landed in the hollow of my neck.

If they were still alive, nothing would have been cold, everything would have been warm and sweet and as close to perfect as any one thing could get. None of this would have happened, and everything would have stayed the same and nothing would have changed.

I started to mentally kick myself for being so selfish and wallowing in my pity party, but just didn't have the energy.

I was exhausted, and my eyelids drooped. I relaxed for what seemed the first time in forever, even when Daneil started to knock instantly on the locked door, asking where one thing or another was, I was unable to rouse myself enough to yell back.

I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until I had drifted into a sedated blackness.

I knew it was dream, and yet, it all felt so real. It had been real, once.

Mom was casually clicking through radio stations, trying to find something that wasn't a talk show. Of course, she wouldn't have been able to see anything, Daddy wouldn't have either, and it wasn't his fault. They came out of nowhere, so fast that even if he had seen them and noticed how far away they were, he still would have swerved.

The crunch of metal on metal was worse than my stomach flipping over itself and my breath being stuck in my throat as I tried to scream. I must have closed my eyes, because I wasn't able to see anything. The car flipped once, twice, before coming to a rest upside down. I felt a dull tear across my forehead, and the sound of breaking glass was evident. I was able to scream as I felt several sharp pricks of pain in my arm.

Immediately, It felt like the limb was on fire, but it faded just as quickly, like a getting a shot at the doctor's office, when the needle was finally removed.

Somehow, I gained enough control of my body to open my eyes. I was nowhere near the car, but I still could smell the burning rubber, and spilled gasoline. I let my lids fall shut again, feeling weaker then I thought was possible. Every inch of my body hurt, but I felt strangely calm inside, like I was simply watching the television and nothing was on.

But my heartbeat picked up when I heard something growl right beside my ear, sending cold shivers of a horrid expectation down my spine. I didn't feel hollow any more, I was terrified, somehow knowing that whatever was standing beside me was wrong and that I wasn't safe. I knew that the last thing I would feel would be needle sharp pins burying themselves in my neck.

I woke up on a half strangled scream my eyes flying open. Just as always, the nightmare left me trembling, cold, and exhausted, with no thought of falling back asleep. Daneil had stopped coming to check on me about a week after they had started, but still left a glass of water by my bed. Somehow, even when he was messed up, he always remembered. I guess having been my older brother for fifteen years helped too, even if he was only three when I was born.

I slumped against the pillows, pushing my sweaty hair off my forehead, a weird twisted heaviness in the pit of my stomach. It was simple things like that that convinced me to forgive him whenever he acted out. And he never remembered when he did it anyway. On the mornings after especially rough nights, when I would come out of room, he would fret and get angry, pleading with me to tell him what had happened.

I shook my head, suddenly remembering my fight with Jemaine. I knew I should probably apologize, but I wasn't sure how I would be able to face him after what had happened. I couldn't stand to lose another person after everything, no matter how selfish I felt. I wasn't sure I would keep it together if I did.

"Alli, honey? Are you awake?" Daneil called though the door, frightening me half to death. He didn't bang on it like he had the night before; he knocked lightly. He was in that brief and blissful period where he was sane and functioning.

"What?" I called back. It was a little too early in the morning for either of us to be up, let alone start the day. The sun wasn't even entirely over the horizon. The light coming through my blinds was still soft and weak.

"Someone's here to see you. Says his name's Jemaine."

I blinked idiotically several times before what he said actually registered. "Jemaine's here?"

"Memories of yesterday flooded my vision and I mentally cringed before sitting up and slipping out of bed. Apparently, I wasn't going to be able to put off anything like I had planned.

"Tell him I'll be right out." I yanked on a pair of jean shorts that had been lying on my floor, and had just pulled on a thin violet cotton top over my tank top when the door opened.

"Good morning, sunshine!" Jemaine sang, practically prancing into my room.

"You know, I could have been changing." I told him dryly, placing my hands on my hips. "And I could have sworn that door was locked."

"Ah, but you weren't." He smiled making his face resemble the light streaming into the room. "The door, locked? Naw, I have my ways."

"Yeah right, lucky my brother knows where the freaking pliers are kept." I mumbled. "Thanks a lot, Daneil!" I yelled loudly enough to be heard in the living room. He laughed, but didn't say anything back.

Jemaine's smile turned cheeky. "That too."

"Any particular reason you're at my house at, " I squinted over at the clock on my nightstand, “Seven in the morning?”

“To take you away of course!” He said simply.

“What?” I asked, confusion clear in my tone. I fell onto my bed, bringing my knees up to my chest. “Elaborate.”

“You don’t have anything planned for today, do you?” He asked, avoiding my question.

“Do I ever have anything planned? Why?”

“Alright, good.” He stepped forward and scooped me up into his arms bridal style, caring me out the room and down the hall.

“What the hell?” Put me down!” I twisted and squirmed, trying to loosen his hold on me.

“Bye, Daneil!” Jemaine called cheerily, able to open the door with me still in his arms.

I gapped at my brother who continued to sit on the couch and watch t.v, like it was nothing at all. “Daneil, no!”

“Bye guys.” He called back casually. Then the door was closed and I was being dumped, quite unceremoniously into his truck.

“We can stop at McDonald’s or something for breakfast. It will be awhile before we get there.” He said, cranking the truck.

“We’re leaving town?”

He shot me a look. “Is there a Micky D’s anywhere around here?”

“Can you tell me exactly where we are going?” I persisted, temped to jump out the door and sprint home if he didn’t tell me, though I was also weighing me chances of not sustaining any broken bones from the jump that would prevent me from my daring escape.

“You did want to see where I was moving, didn’t you?”

“We’re going you your house? Really?” Jemaine’s mom had already moved to their new house, but he had stayed to continue to pack what was left. They had left quickly. Not that I blame them.

He nodded and I smiled a real smile. My chest tightened and I quickly turned to face the window. I would not cry for absolutely no reason, not today.

Even only a couple of minutes from where I stayed, the colors where already changing, brightening. The Grass became dusky green opposed to brown; the sky gray to the real lambent blue of the morning sky. Gradually more and more trees began popping up in the full flush of spring, covered in waxy new leaves and a few were speckled with resplendent blooms.

Too soon we left the rural back roads and were surrounded by towering buildings and squat banks, the allies and medians made of concrete.

“Is this where you live?” I asked him, slightly disappointed. I’d pictured something more… quaint.

He laughed. “No. I live the next town over, about an hour from here. But I would guess you’re hungry. And if not, I am.” Jemaine pulled the truck in between two drive-throughs then stopped and waited.

I answered his question before he could ask it. “I don’t care and I’m not really hungry anyway.”

As if he expected that response, he sighed and turned into McDonald’s parking lot. “You’re going to have to eat something.” He told me stubbornly.

“I’m not hungry, just a bit thirsty.” I insisted. And it was true. I was never really hungry anymore, and for some reason I didn’t understand, that worried Jemaine. I mean, it wasn’t like I never ate; I just didn’t eat a lot.

“Alli-“

“Fine,” I groaned, wanting to avoid a fight, well another one at least. “Order what you want, but I’m not anything.”

This seemed to appease him, even if it felt like a waste of money to me.

We got our breakfast and were back on the road. Eventually, Jemaine convinced me to eat a packet of hash brown tots, and then we lapsed back into silence. It wasn’t awkward, but it wasn’t either. Almost tensed, more… expectant.

So instead of focusing on our non-conversation, I concentrated on the scene outside. It was beautiful, bright and open, becoming more and more spacious the farther from the city we became.

It all seemed unreal, but I knew it was only my fault. I’d locked myself away from anything bight and happy, anything that reminded me of them. It seems stupid now, and I regret it. It was involuntary, and I’ve been trying to pull myself back out for a while now. Being here helped, more than I would have thought, and it didn’t hurt as much as I had expected.

I wondered if Daneil and Faith, if they saw this, if they would be able to be brought back, even a little.

Probably not.

After what seemed a long while, Jemaine broke the silence.

“Hey, Alli, there is maybe one thing I should warn you about, before we get there.”

I tensed, but looked over at him, a smile somewhat forced on my face. He kept his gaze locked on the road.

“Yeah?”

“I have a little niece, her names Kaily, only five.”

I relaxed, but frowned.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Kaily can be a bit… exuberant. If you let her, she’ll never let you go.”

Obviously, that wasn’t the only reason he was on edge, but I laughed, poking him in the shoulder. “I’m sure she’s not that bad. Does she look like you?”

He looked at me then, his gold "flecked eyes clear and untroubled. Mentally, I searched though whatever I had said that had cleared his mind. The only solution I could find, I didn’t want to think about.

He smiled, “She’s my mom’s sister’s daughter, so you’ll have to see.”

And I did see. Kaily was adorable, inky curly q’s cut short, reminding me of Shirley Temple. And her eyes, big brown doe eyes that could persuade even the most heavily trained and hard-hearted military man. When we pulled up, she darted out of the small brick house, her yellow sundress streaming out behind her.

“Bubby!” She squealed, latching onto his leg, which was easy for her to do. She was quite small, smaller than most five year olds I’d seen, but there was nothing fragile about her in any way.

The house she ran out of was… sweet. The window boxes were full of spring blossoms, the driveway cobble-stoned. It was cute, nothing like where I lived.

“Hey, Kaily. Where’s Ma?” He asked her, but she ignored him, noticing me. Her eyes narrowed and she backed away.

“Who are you?” Her tone was suspicious and guarded. I glanced at him, confused, but he simply shrugged, almost as if apologizing. Great.

I knelt down, settling on my knees and placing my lap, smiling gently at her, like I would have done if it were Mai. She looked skeptical.

“My name’s Alli. Can you tell me yours?” I made my voice lilting.

“Bubby already said my name.” She said hastily, and I waited. Her face softened and she said more quietly, “It’s Kaily.”

“That’s really pretty. Did you know that means boomerang?”

Her eyes went wide and her rosebud mouth dropped open. “Really?”

“Yep! Cool, isn’t it?” I asked, then reached out, gesturing for her hand. Surprisingly, she took a step forward, then grasped my finger tightly, a dazzling smile lighting up her face.

I stood up with her still attached to me, trying to pull me into the house.

“Good luck.” Jemaine mouthed, somewhat smirking.

“Shut up.” I told him, catching myself from tripping over the doorway.

“Make me.” He taunted.

“Hey, sweetie?” I peeled Kaily’s hand from around my finger. “I’ll be right back.” I smiled at her, then faced Jemaine.

“Now, what were you saying?” I asked slowly, smiling despite my efforts to remain serious.

He leaned forward, enunciating each word. “Make. Me.”

I shot after him and he nearly tripped turning around to sprint off. I reached out to snag the back of shirt, but missed by an inch or two. Behind us, Kaily squealed excitedly.

Now, being athletically handicapped didn’t turn anything in my favor. I may have been fast, but I unbalanced, and Jemaine knew his way around. Just when I was in arms reach of him, he spun on is heel at last second. The only reason I didn’t fall flat on my face was because I fell sideways into the wall. A plan quickly formed and I let myself trip into the grass.

Predictably, he paused and ran back.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Help me up.” He looked doubtingly at my outstretched hand, but helped me up nonetheless. I gave him enough time to pull me up, then jumped forward, placing my hand over his mouth, knocking us both to the ground.

“Ha!” I cried triumphantly. “You know, this would probably work better with duct tape.” Jemaine just proved my point by licking the palm of my hand.

I jerked away, glaring at him. “That was uncalled for!”

“No, this is uncalled for.” He said lightly, placing his hands on my sides and sitting on my legs so I couldn’t move.

“You wouldn’t.” I hissed, attempting to squirm away.

“Oh, I would.”

I just looked at him, then began wailing for his niece.

“Kaily! Kaily! Help me! Your bubby is hurting me!”

I smiled as she rounded the corner, the cutest little look of determination on her face.

“Bubby! Leave Alli alone! She’s my new friend!” She started banging her fists against his arm. Jemaine gave her a wounded look, but none to gently got off of me.

“Thank you, Kaily.” I cooed, scooping her up and placing a kiss on her cheek. She giggled and looped her around my neck.

“Traitors.” Jemaine mumbled, but smiled anyway. I smiled in response; this was the most fun I’d had in a long time.

“Come on.” He said a bit more loudly, “Ma’s probably wondering where we all went.”

His mother happened to be standing on the porch when we walked up. She was a pretty women, maybe forty or so. An apron was tied around her slim waist and her black curls were pulled up into a lop-sided bun on top her head. Her blue eyes crinkled when she saw us.

Jemaine must have told his mother he was bringing me, because she hurried over hugged me awkwardly from the side, trying not to squish her daughter.

“You must be Alli. Nice to meet you dear, I’m glad my son finally decided to bring you. I’ve seen you already met Kaily. I hope she’s not bothering you.”

“No, ma’am.” I assured her. “We’re getting along just fine.”

She smiled and patted Kaily’s cheek. “Please, hon, call me Jenn.”

“Nice to know you care so much about me.” Jemaine put in, faking a hurt look.

His mother merely rolled her eyes. “Anyway, I just finished cooking lunch, you must be hungry. You look it.” Not waiting for any kind of answer, she turned and sauntered into the house.

I placed Kaily on the floor and watched her chase after her aunt.

“Is there any way she’s going to let me leave here without eating?” I asked Jemaine, following him into the kitchen.

“Let’s just say you’ll probably gain a few pounds.”

“Jemaine, honey, sweetie, son? Are you bad-mouthing my cooking?” Jenn asked him sweetly, pointing at an empty chair. “Sit.” To me, she said, “Sit wherever you would like, hon.”

I thanked her and took a seat between Kaily and Jemaine.

“Here you are, kids. It’s a bit hot.” She placed a bowl of homemade pop-pies in front of each of us. “You like chicken, right?” Jenn asked me, suddenly worried.

“Yes, I love it.” I felt more than awkward, eating in there in their kitchen, though Jemaine, Kaily, and their mother didn’t look phased. They all ate comfortably, talking to each other all the while. It was nice, but I felt completely out of place. I hadn’t had a meal like this in maybe a year. Last Christmas actually; my parents weren’t into big family meals. Not that all the family was ever there.

By the time they had finished their first bowl, I wasn’t even halfway done with mine. It was good, it really was, but I just wasn’t hungry. No surprise there.

“Alli, hon, aren’t you hungry?” Jenn asked me, glancing at the half-full bowl.

“Ma, not everyone is immediately dying of hunger whenever you put food in from of them.” Jemaine cut in. “Besides, Alli don’t each much.”

“Are you sure you don’t want anything else?”

“I’m fine. It was good, thank you.”

Jenn nodded, but looked slightly bothered.

The next few hours were full of Kaily showing me her dolls, playing hide and seat several times. Jenn asked us multiple times to try her different recipes. I found out they had a dog, a cute little lab only about a year old named Butch. I meet a couple of their neighbors that came over to talk with Jenn. Finally, around seven, Kaily took her bath and was wrestled into bed, and we ended up on the back porch.

I was having trouble keeping my eyes open, but I was happy. I hadn’t been this tired in a long while, and playing with Kaily reminded me of Mai. When the neighbors had come over, I was a little antsy, not liking being around so many people, but otherwise, I had liked it.

“I told you she would wear you out, didn’t I?” Jemaine asked?

“Yep.” I yawned, leaning my head on the porch railing. It was nice and quiet until my phone interrupted the silence.

I checked the caller I.D. I should have guessed it was Daneil.

“Yeah? Sorry, I’ll be on my way home in a minute.”

“No, Alli, that’s not what I’m calling about.” He sounded frantic and distressed, and it immediately but me on edge.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s Mai. Micheal put her in the hospital.”