Never Meant to Be

Not willing to let myself shed another tear, I took a deep breath and closed my eyes tightly.

“Which
hospital?” My voice, thankfully, was steady, but my hands were trembling.
“Memorial, room 107. She’s stable, but unconscious. They aren’t sure when she’ll wake up.”

I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. He sounded so… lifeless. As if the news had finally completely sobered him up and now he didn’t know what to do with himself, like he felt responsible. I could relate.

I know he expected me to ask how it had happened, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Whatever I could dream up would be ten times worse than what had actually happened.

“I’ll get Jemaine to drive me, so I guess I’ll see you when I get there.” Jemaine jingled his keys to let me know he was ready. “I’m heading out the door now.”

“Love you.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Love you, too.”

Drawing another shaky breath, I stood, almost having to grab onto the railing for balance.

“Ready?” I wished the look of sympathy would leave his eyes. I didn’t want it to be there. When it came to Jemaine and his hazel eyes, there were only ever three emotions where I was concerned. Anger. Concern. And sympathy. I hated it, even when he smiled; they never went away, always plain as day, even if he tried his hardest to hide them.

But maybe that was the way he felt about me, too. The only things I’ve really felt in three months were grief and anger.

I sighed. “No, but I don’t really have a choice.”

“You always have a choice.” He said softly. I ignored him.

I still thought I might be sick. I was flushed and felt uncomfortable and twitchy in my own skin. Rolling down the window in the truck helped a bit, but the moist night air was too cold to bring much comfort.

Once or twice, Jemaine had tried to approach the subject of who was at the hospital, but I would only turn away, warning him to just leave it alone. He would find out later anyway.

He knew next to nothing about my family, something he had been okay with. He never pried or pushed me for answers; just took what I gave him. That my parents had died and now I was living with Daneil. In his world, there was no Micheal, no Faith. No Mai. At least not yet. I was terrified of what he would think. After he learned of the rest of my family, would he storm off, or would he stay silent and do nothing. Neither seemed likely.

I wondered why I was okay, perfectly fine actually, with him not really knowing anything about me, but just the thought of him maybe learning more about who I am was enough to send a cold shiver down my spine. Had I really closed myself off, pushed everything about me so far back that I couldn’t even think of letting anyone else in?

Maybe.

Still, there was that little piece of sanity left that was petrified because really, I didn’t care.

“Alli?” Jemaine tried again to get my attention.

“Sorry.” I told him, blinking dazedly. “I was just thinking.”

“About?”

“Nothing important.” You know, just whether or not my humanity was still intact.

“I was trying to ask you to roll up your window. It’s about to rain.”

I hadn’t noticed it, but it was. The moon no longer cast ethereal shadows across the open fields. The darkness seemed thick, oppressing, without the thin light. You couldn’t see more than a few feet ahead of you, and almost as soon as I’d wrestled the window up, rain began to splatter heavily on the windshield.

“Sorry.” I say again.

I had calmed down somewhat over the course of the drive, the rhythmic pounding of the storm had helped a lot, but now, as we pulled into the second floor of the hospital’s parking garage, I was starting to panic.

“Alli, calm down. It will be fine.” Jemaine told me soothingly. Needless to say, I wasn’t soothed.

“Let’s just get into the freaking hospital.” I mumbled.

The lights were radiating an eerie yellow, but it was more light then we’d seen on the road. Moisture hung in droplets, creating a dense fog that clung to any available surface. It was a relief to finally step inside, even if it was freezing, it was dry and bright.

When we entered through the electric doors, the first thing we saw was the gift shops collection of ‘It’s a boy!’ and ‘Get Well Soon’ balloons. In the wheel chair they were tied to, was a bright yellow bunny with brown button eyes, an issue of ‘What to Expect When Your Expecting’ propped in its lap. Jemaine and I walked up to the ‘information’ desk and I tapped my fingers on the pale blue counter restlessly until a slight nurse walked up, looking tired.

A few strands of her dark hair were escaping the bun atop her head and her purple scrubs were badly wrinkled like she had just woken up. Still, she managed to force a convincing smile.

“Can I help you?”

I wanted to point out that this was the information desk, so yes, of course she could help us, but instead I said, “We’re here to see my little sister. Mai Bennit. Room 107, I think.” I could be polite when I wanted….

The nurse "Ginger from her name tag- punched in several things on the computer. “She’s in the PICU. Go straight down here and take the elevator to the fourth floor pediatrics. Then, go right. You can’t miss it. Don’t forget to sign in at the nurse’s station.”

We thanked her, and then headed down the hall.

“Forth floor? Why does it have to be so far up?” Jemaine asked as we waited for an elevator to open up.

“Why? Going to try and make a smooth get away?” I asked harshly, but immediately felt horrible. It wasn’t his fault we were here, he had just helped me.

“No.” He told me lightly. “Just don’t like heights.”

The small cramped space did nothing for my escalating anxiety and my stomach dropped as the elevator settled. It didn’t help when we stepped out and Jemaine went the wrong way.

“Where are you going?” I called after him, annoyed. “The woman said right.”

He looked confused. “No, she said left. Didn’t she?”

“No. she didn’t.” I ground out.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure!” I snapped, earning myself a startled glance from a passing nurse.

We were right outside the PICU when the yelling started and I recognized it instantly. I had heard it often enough.

I ran off toward my brothers leaving Jemaine to deal with the nurses.

“This is your fault! Your fault! How can you stand there and tell me it’s not?! Our little sister is unconscious, lying in that bed and you deny putting her there?” Daneil looked nearly crazed with white hot rage while Micheal smirked.

“I told you, big brother. I didn’t touch her.” His blatant lie only fanned the flames.

“You son of a b****.” Daneil swore quietly, then pulled back his fist and drove it into Micheal’s temple before the word ‘no’ could even pass my lips.

Micheal didn’t waste a second in his response, quickly overpowering Daneil and driving him up against the wall, repeatedly punching him in the stomach until he began to cough up blood.

“Stop it!” I screamed my voice shrill. “Stop!” They ignored my feeble attempts to separate them, Micheal completely oblivious that I was even there. Daneil pushed me away, firmly, then was rewarded with another hit to the face. Jemaine latched his arms around Micheal’s waist, trying to yank him away, but it did nothing. He only knocked him off before returning his attention to Daneil.

It seemed like forever before the security finally showed up and broke them apart.

Daniel looked like he was about to keel over dead any second. Every inch of his face was decorated with blossoming bruises, his nose badly broken and bleeding profusely. More blood was trickling out of his mouth he and coughing it into his hand.

“Take him to the ER.” One of the male nurses instructed. “He needs to be checked out. Take him and throw him out of this hospital.”

I had been standing there, watching them escort Daneil out of here, but now I turned my gaze to Micheal, my stomach churning uneasily. There was a disgustingly pleased smile plastered on his bruises face, making me ache to toss him onto the tracks of an oncoming train.

He caught my eye, saying “Hello, dear sister. Nice to see you again.” He muttered as he passed.

I slapped him, hard, filling it with every ounce of hatred and repulsion I had for him.

“I’m not your sister.” I hissed.

The guards didn’t even bat and eyelash.

“Come on.” Jemaine murmured, tugging gently on my arm. “Your sister.”

Mai looked so small lying still in the crib, so vulnerable. An IV hung beside her, dripping something clear into the tube. Her blonde curls were tangled and a bit dirty, and there was a large black bruise on her temple, making her look paler then she was. If I hadn’t know better, I would have thought she was dead if it wasn’t for the slow rise and fall of her chest.

I walked over, smoothing the heavy blue blanket over her and tucking it closer. When I took her small hand in mine, it was limp.

Feeling a hundred years old, I sat in the chair across from the window, hanging my head in my hands.

I felt cold, deep deep down, but I wasn’t shaking. Seeing Mai again, like this, made it feel like any last bit of life I had retained in the last three months had suddenly slipped away, leaving me weak and exhausted. I shouldn’t have ever left. Of any of the choices I’d ever made, that was the one I should have chosen different.

“She’s only two, you know.” My voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper, but he heard me.

“She’s a beautiful little girl.”

“Yeah.” I breathed the word. “She looks like my mom. But Mai has brown eyes.” I paused, thinking. “Faith could have passed for her twin any day.”

Things were quiet again until he spoke.

“So, those are your brothers?”

I nodded. “Daneil, of course. And Micheal.”

“They’re very… passionate.” He said carefully, taking a chair near the end of the bed.

I laughed weekly.

“Great euphemism for a*******.” I lifted my head, my cheeks cool and tight from the tears I’d tried hard not to cry. I pushed my hand through my hair, moving it away from my face.

“It’s stopped raining.” He observed, watching the headlights of the cars zip around. The height of the room made them pin pricks, almost like Christmas lights. As we watched, an ambulance pulled in, sirens blaring, then disappeared out of our view.

I drew a deep, shuddering breath.

“You didn’t have to come.” I told him softly. “I could have had Daneil come get me.” But he was shaking his head before I’d even finished.

“Yes, I did. I’m your friend, Alli. That’s what friends do.”

I smiled a bit and then it faded.

“Have you called your mom? Let her know where you are?”

“She was already in bed when we left. I’ll call her in the morning.”

“Oh.” I turned back to Mai. “I wonder when she’ll wake up.” It really wasn’t meant as a question, but Jemaine answered anyway.

“I don’t know. They say she’s fine, just sleeping. You know,” He continued thoughtfully, “Sometimes they can hear you, even when they’re not aware of anything else. Like when a mother seings to a baby when they are fussy in their sleep.”

I didn’t say anything, just smoothed my fingers over hers.

“Honey?” A nurse said, coming into the room. She looked like the kind of woman you’d want your grandmother, sort of rounded with kind light eyes. “I’m sorry, dear, but you’ll have to come back in an hour. We only let people visit for fifteen minutes.”

“When will she be moved into a regular room?” I asked, standing up.

“Well, it depends when she wakes up.”

Sighing, I bent down and softly kissed her forehead. “I’ll be back, honey.”

“Excuse me?” I turned around to the nurse who was waiting for me. “Do you know where my brother is?”

“The darker headed boy?”

“No, Daneil "er, he went to the ER?”

Her expression cleared. “Oh, he should be okay. You could find him out in the waiting room, maybe.”

I thanked her then glanced behind me where Jemaine was taking to another nurse.

My expression must have been questioning, because he grinned, saying, “I was asking where the vending machines where.”

I cracked a smile, rolling my eyes.

“Then let’s go.”

Four hours later, it was one in the morning and I was giving Mai one last kiss goodbye. Neither Jemaine nor I had seen Micheal since he was thrown out, but I had found Daneil, bruised but clean of blood, in the cafeteria munching on Cheetos. Now, he was leaning up against the door frame, waiting for me to hurry up.

I’d made Jemaine go home nearly an hour ago, since he was unable to keep his eyes open despite the seven candy bars he had eaten, so I was leaving with Daneil to go pick up a few of Mai’s things that Micheal had neglected to get before he’d dropped her down the stairs.

Daneil had caught me up on everything, even though I hadn’t asked. I didn’t want to know, but it was too late to tell him that now.

“Bye, baby. We’ll be back soon. Love you, so so much.”

I hated to leave her here alone, but I didn’t have a choice. What was worse was that I was leaving her to go back to the house I hadn’t been to or even seen since our parents’ funeral. Daneil seemed fine with it though, if a bit hesitant, but he had shook it off. I wondered if I would do the same.

“I’m okay, Let’s go before I change my mind.”

Daneil dropped his arm over my shoulders, squeezing me against his side lightly. I didn’t hug him back. Just looked forward.

Outside the hospital, the fog had lifted, but it was still cold, a fine layer of dew carpeting every surface. The clouds had cleared revealing a half moon that shone brightly through the early morning. I hadn’t realized I’d stopped to study the sky until Daneil called my name, already at the car.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something bright, almost seeming to fall with a trail of light behind it.

A falling star.