Clueless

“Never pretend that the things you haven’t got are not worth having.” -Virginia Woolf, The Diary

“Lil!” Serena squealed, jumping up to throw her arms around her friend’s neck. Lily pulled her best friend close, squeezing her tightly. Though she might have never said it aloud, she had missed Serena desperately over the summer. She had understood Serena’s absence, of course--she had completed a cross-country move to live with Gabriel, full-time, and then had spent most of the summer traveling to different places with him. They had spent a week in a small beach cottage in the Outer Banks (to commemorate their first meeting), a few days celebrating Serena’s cousin’s wedding, and then, finally, a month in Sweden, where Serena had met his family for the first time. She had called Lily the night before their flight out to Stockholm.

“Lil, I’m scared.”

Lily sighed. “Serena, there is no need to fear his family. They’re sure to love you just as much as he does.”

A silence fell on the other end of the line and Lily could imagine Serena gnawing on her bottom lip, as she always did when she was anxious. “They have to know what happened between us. That’s not exactly going to endear me to them.”

“That was quite some time ago, now, Serena.”

“Is eight months long enough to forget?”

“Hasn’t he forgotten?”

“I suppose...”

“At the end of everything, you still chose each other, Serena. He still chose to have you in his life. They have to at least appreciate the value in that.”

“I wish you were coming with me, Lil,” she said morosely.

“Something tells me that that might have spoiled any romance between you and your knight in shining armor.”

“My knight in shining armor, indeed,” Serena chuckled. Even though she was laughing, Lily could hear how Serena’s voice changed as her thoughts turned to Gabriel. How the words could suddenly sound so different, the edges frayed and soft, when spoken by someone in love.

Lily smiled. After watching Serena and Gabriel struggle through their heartache for a year, it was nice that they were finally together--they made Lily believe in love, more than she ever had. “Are you happy, Serena?”

She sighed with pleasure. “I am fantastically, absurdly happy, Lil...I just hope that it lasts.”

Lily resisted the urge to sigh. Sometimes, Serena was so focused on worrying about the future that she forgot to savor the present. “Enjoy it while it does.”

As Serena disentangled herself from Lily, Gabriel instantly took a step forward, his hand slipping around Serena’s waist. It seemed so easy for them, so natural; the simple act of being together. Lily wondered what that felt like. Her relationships with men had always been, on her part, purely academic, very rarely even ‘friendly.’ She had never had a boyfriend, never had a crush (okay, maybe an eensy, weensy one on Mr. Darcy, but who wouldn’t?!), had never even been kissed! She had never given much thought to such things and she still didn’t, for the most part, but being around Serena and Gabriel made her wonder. Unconsciously, she turned her head to look behind her, and her eyes found Ryan’s. He raised his eyebrows, as if waiting for her to say something, but she found that she had nothing to say, so she was glad when Gabriel spoke up, instead.

“Come on in, guys!” He threw open the front door to the apartment and Lily and Ryan stepped inside. Lily looked around her with interest, this being the first time that she had been to the couple’s apartment. She could identify Gabriel’s Swedish roots in the clean lines and modern furnishings, but there was a warmth and coziness that could only be attributed to Serena. The small, four-person dining room table was already set, a bottle of red wine sitting in the center of the table.

“God, it smells great in here,” Ryan moaned, rubbing his stomach. “When do we eat?”

“Now,” Serena replied, pushing him towards a dining room chair. “You can take a seat, too, Lil.”

“Do you need any--”

“No,” Serena and Gabriel said in unison. “Sit.” Lily, obeying the firm order, took the seat to Ryan’s right.

“Beer, Factor?” Gabriel asked, opening the fridge.

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

Lily and Ryan watched with hungry eyes as Serena set a covered platter on the table in front of them. She lifted the lid and steam billowed out from underneath it, as well as an enticing odor that made their mouths water. “You can thank Chef Gabriel over there for this,” she remarked with a smirk.

“You didn’t make this?” Ryan asked in disbelief.

The couple laughed, Gabriel patting Serena on the shoulder sympathetically as he passed her on the way to his seat. “I most definitely did not.”

“She was my assistant,” Gabriel said diplomatically, handing an icy cold beer to Ryan.

“See those perfectly-cut vegetables? That was all me,” she said proudly as she leaned across the table to pour a glass of wine for herself and Lily.

“They look great,” Ryan assured her, smiling. Serena was the type of girl that he had always imagined he would end up with--someone bright and bubbly, down-to-earth and charming. Someone who could light up a room just by stepping into it, who drew people to them without even trying, like the sun. He glanced over at his ‘roommate,’ now, taking advantage of the fact that she was helping herself to dinner and was too distracted to notice him staring. She was the curveball that he hadn’t been expecting. He still remembered, with perfect clarity, the very first time that he had seen her. Their gazes had locked as she had made her way down the stairs of Serena’s home, her expression betraying absolutely nothing of what she might think of the two hockey players on the front stoop, whereas he could practically feel his jaw hitting the floor, so in awe as he was over her beauty and grace. Every time he looked at her, he felt the same jolt of shock--someone this beautiful exists? Her skin was like cream and roses, her hair as dark as a night sky back in Ontario, and her eyes--if he had been a poet, like her, he would have written a whole book on those. They were a deep, dark blue; impenetrable and utterly intriguing. Whenever he tried to hold her gaze for an extended period of time while talking to her, he inevitably ended up forgetting what he had wanted to say. This was particularly embarrassing, given the fact that Lily always knew exactly what she wanted to say and how she was going to say it. Not that she ever said much. She seemed content to melt into the background, yet, she could never really go unnoticed. Her beauty demanded attention, whether she wanted it to or not.

“So, Lil,” Serena began after they had all taken portions of the meal, “how do you like Denver, so far?”

Lily set her knife and fork down, sitting up straight in her chair. She always maintained perfect posture. Ryan sat up, too, thinking how pleased his mother would be that Lily’s good habits were starting to rub off on him. “It’s lovely. Everyone is very friendly and the scenery is truly stunning.” She paused, suddenly, frowning. “The air really is different here, though.”

The other three laughed at this. “They don’t call it the Mile High City for nothing! But yeah, it’s just something you get used to. You should come exercise with me, Lil! It’d be fun!” Serena rolled her eyes at the disdainful expression that Lily gave her. “I know you hate the gym, but come on! You know you’d have a good time with me.”

“Not to diminish the benefits of your charming personality, in the least, but I am perfectly content to sit quietly at home.”

“You should try yoga with me. It’s nice and easy,” Ryan suggested casually.

She looked over at him in surprise. “You practice yoga?” Her eyes flicked up and down his body quickly, sending a surge of heat through the core of his being. It was strange--and rather comical--for her to imagine the burly hockey player doing child’s pose or Warrior I.

“Yeah, it’s good for flexibility and stuff.”

“Hm,” she mused, her eyes dancing with amusement. “I may consider taking you up on that offer.”

“Ooh, we’ll have to buy you a pair of yoga pants, then, Lil,” Serena said, throwing a sly glance in Ryan’s direction. The blood had all but drained from his face at the thought. Lily in yoga pants? Dear, God. He already knew that she looked good in jeans--in anything, really--but this would take it to an entirely different level. He promptly added that delightful image to the running list of fantasies in his head that were, unfortunately, going unfulfilled--at least, for now.

Lily frowned. “Yoga pants?” She didn’t own any sort of ‘lounging’ clothes--she was all business, all the time. She put on an outfit in the morning and it stayed on until she took it off at night. “Are these some type of sweatpants?” She asked suspiciously.

No, they’re God’s gift to man, Ryan thought to himself. “Oh, you’ve seen them, Lil,” Serena insisted. “All the biddies at BU wore them.”

“They’re like push-up bras for your ass,” Gabriel added, taking a swig of his beer. Lily stared at him blankly. She knew the basic purpose of a push-up bra--not that she had ever owned one, let alone stepped into a Victoria’s Secret--but it seemed strange to her to apply the concept to her butt. She scrunched her tiny nose, trying to imagine it.

“You know,” Serena continued, “they’re tight and stretchy--a cotton knit, I think...girls wear them to the gym. Sometimes there’s stuff written on the ass, like PINK or something. As if the guys weren’t looking, already,” she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Oh, yes, now I remember,” Lily said, nodding thoughtfully. They weren’t as bad as the baggy sweats that she had witnessed so many people on campus wear. She shuddered. Some of the outfits that she had seen over the course of her four years at BU had truly scarred her for life.

“There’s a Lululemon in the mall. I’ll take you there, soon,” Serena said, although her remark had been directed more towards Ryan than Lily. Ryan just sighed and chugged the rest of his beer, hoping the cool drink would put out the fire in his stomach.

Gabriel and Serena shared a wicked smile, but Gabriel decided to spare his friend any further mental torture. “So, when do your classes start, Lil?” He asked.

“Tomorrow.”

“Are you excited?”

“Oh, yes, very!” She replied, unable to mask her eagerness. “It feels as though it’s been forever since the last time I was in an academic classroom. It’ll be good to be back.” She had done a lot of reading and writing over the summer, but she had missed the rigidity of the academic schedule, the specificity of prompts, the helpful feedback from professors.

“We feel the same way,” Gabriel said, throwing a knowing glance at Ryan. “Training camp starts tomorrow.”

“Thank God,” Ryan muttered. The summer had been much too long for his liking and he was more than eager to get back to work. He had obviously been training throughout the summer, but there was nothing like getting back on the ice and competing.

“This is so exciting!” Serena squealed, clapping her hands together. “The season starts so soon!” Serena was just as excited as the two hockey players in the room that Hocktober was just around the corner.

“I was meaning to ask you,” Ryan said, turning to Lily, “if you wanted to go to the home opener?”

“Of course she does!” Serena answered for her. “She’s my hockey buddy, remember?”

Ryan smiled at Serena’s reply, but still watched Lily’s face, waiting for her to give her own answer. “I’ve actually been quite looking forward to the beginning of the new season,” she finally said with a small smile, dabbing at the corner of her mouth with her napkin. “Though it may be hard to believe, I found myself missing hockey over the course of the summer.”

Serena threw her hands up in the air in delight. “It’s official! You’re a hockey fan!”

~

“So,” Serena said in a conspiratorial whisper as she and Lily stood in her bedroom later that evening, “how is it living with Ryan, so far?” Serena had whisked Lily away under the pretense of showing her the rest of the apartment, when all she had really wanted to do was determine the current atmosphere of Lily’s living situation.

“It’s fine,” Lily said, shrugging. The two hadn’t spent much time together since she had moved in--she had spent most of her first week in Denver arranging her room and exploring the city, and the second week had been devoted to gathering materials for the school year. Ryan, on the other hand, had been consumed with training, now that the season was right around the corner. The only consistent block of time that they spent together was at night during dinner, which they took turns cooking.

Serena looked her friend over carefully for any hidden signs of emotion, but, as she had suspected, there weren’t any to find. Lily was just as oblivious as ever. Serena resisted the urge to sigh aloud. “I mean, do you like being roommates with him?”

Lily picked at the hem of her t-shirt absentmindedly as she mulled this question over in her mind. Living with Ryan was, obviously, much different than living with seven other girls and, she was finding, she slightly preferred it. Gossip didn’t interest her in the least, and she had often found herself retreating to her bedroom when her suitemates had gathered in the common room to expound on their personal dramas. Indeed, Serena’s personal and emotional problems were more than enough for Lily to handle. Ryan, on the other hand, was relatively quiet, like her. He was calm, steady, and she liked the routine that had naturally fallen into place with him--one of them making dinner and then both of them cleaning the dishes together, afterwards. She also liked the fact that there were no awkward silences between them, yet, they didn’t find it necessary to fill the air with mindless chatter. They could sit in contented silence, which was nice. As much as Lily loved words, she was happier to put them on paper than lift them from her tongue. “I do,” she finally answered.

Serena waited for her to expand on her statement, but when she didn’t, she rolled her eyes. “For a writer, you’re not very descriptive, Lil.”

“I don’t quite understand what you expect me to say, Serena. I’ve only been living with him for two weeks and it isn’t as though the two of us are lovers.” Serena raised her eyebrows suggestively and Lily frowned. “Oh, Serena,” she hissed disapprovingly, her cheeks turning pink. “You would insinuate something like that! I can assure you, however, that that is not the case, whatsoever. Ryan is my friend, nothing more.” Nothing more. To even begin to entertain the idea of having something more with him would be catastrophic, she was sure. Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. She was not going to let her friendship with Ryan be ruined by the overbearingly romantic thoughts of her best friend. She gave Serena a hard look, ready to further rebuke her, but Serena was looking apologetically at something over her shoulder. When she turned, however, there seemed to be nothing there. “What?”

“Nothing,” Serena said quickly, grabbing her hand and pulling her into her walk-in closet. “Here, let me show you the new dress I got.”

~

Ryan slipped back into the kitchen, a glum expression on his face. “What’s wrong with you?” Gabriel asked him, noticing his dissatisfied expression.

“Nothing.”

“Did you tell them that it’s time for dessert?”

“No.” At the last second, he saw the soapy rag that Gabriel threw at him, and successfully deflected it from hitting his face. He looked over at his younger friend angrily.

“You’re a terrible dinner guest, you know that?” Gabriel said, smirking.

“Well, you’re a shitty host,” Ryan muttered, throwing the rag back at him.

Gabriel grabbed it out of the air and continued to clean the dishes in the sink. “So, what are you PMSing about, Factor?”

Ryan glared at him. “Can you keep your voice down, please?” He hissed.

Gabriel gave him a confused look and then glanced towards the bedrooms. “Ahh...Lily.” He said knowingly, lowering his voice slightly. “Of course.”

“‘Ryan is my friend, nothing more.’” He mimicked.

Gabriel grimaced. “Ouch.”

“I mean, I was expecting it,” Ryan admitted glumly, taking a seat on one of the stools next to the counter.

“You can’t really expect her to just, well...what are you even looking to get from her, exactly?”

This was an excellent question. Pared down to its simplest form, Ryan’s feelings for Lily were an a + b = c equation, where Ryan + Lily = happiness. There was no doubt that, when he was with her, though he acted like a fool, he was ridiculously happy. And it seemed like she might feel the same way. But, really, he didn’t know what he wanted with or from her. All he knew was that he was incredibly attracted to her--but then again, who wouldn’t be? Perhaps he wanted to earn the novelty of being the first guy for her to take an interest in romantically, but that just sounded shallow in his head. And he knew he wasn’t shallow. Well, he hoped that he wasn’t, anyway. Lily deserved better than that. “I don’t really...I guess I just...”

“Wanna bang her, because she’s sleeping down the hall from you, now, instead of thousands of miles away?” Gabriel inquired with a smirk. “Not like I blame you.”

“Hey,” Ryan said sharply, “keep your eyes on your own prize, eh?”

Gabriel laughed. “Oh, trust me, you don’t need to tell me that!” It had been a stupid thing to accuse him of, certainly, even as a joke. Gabriel had eyes for no one but Serena--and for good reason. Some of the guys on the team had managed to get a few juicy stories out of him about his summer spent with Serena, enough to let them all know that she could more than satisfy him in bed--and out of it, too. Apparently, while they were staying in the Outer Banks, they had made good use of the pool of the neighboring house, which had been lacking visitors that week...

“Oops, I almost forgot I was talking to Mr. Perfect Relationship,” he remarked sarcastically.

“It’s not perfect,” Gabriel corrected, “but just about as close as you can get.” And then he grinned, a big shit-eating grin that made Ryan realize just how jealous he was of his teammate.

Shaking his head, he said, “I don’t get it. What’s the big secret to meeting someone like that?”

Gabriel shrugged. “I got lucky.”

“I wish I had your luck.”

Gabriel stared at him incredulously. “Are you shitting me? Do you know how many guys would probably commit murder to be you, right now? You’ve got a fucking rocket living in your house, Ry. A rocket who, let me remind you, has never so much as even looked at another guy before, yet she didn’t even have to think twice when you asked her to move in. If that isn’t luck, I don’t know what is.”

“You call being friendzoned luck?”

“I told you she’d be work.”

“I’m wondering if she’s worth it.”

“Hey, hey,” Gabriel scolded, shutting off the sink. “None of that.”

“What if I’m just wasting my time?”

“I mean, besides hockey...what else would you be wasting it on?”

This was true. Besides a few casual dates and hook-ups, Ryan’s social life had never really been a priority. Hockey consumed most of his life and the rest...well, until Lily had moved in, it had remained rather empty. “I guess...I just feel like shit for asking her to live with me knowing that I like her and she doesn’t like me.”

“It’s not that she doesn’t like you, man. In fact, I think she likes you a lot. Just...not like you like her. Not yet, anyway.” He wiped his hands dry with a piece of paper towel. “Although, from what Serena’s told me, she wouldn’t even know what love was if it smacked her in the face.”

“You’re acting like she’s a robot.”

“She’s not a robot, she’s just clueless.”

“Who is?”

Both men jumped at the voice, but relaxed when they saw that it was only Serena. “Way to sneak up on us,” Ryan accused.

“Guilty conscience?” She countered.

“Where’s Lily?”

“Bathroom.” She gave Ryan a discerning look. “You’d better not be badmouthing my best friend, mister.”

“You know I wouldn’t,” he said, his tone slightly defeated.

She bit her lip, her gaze on him softening a little. “Just give her some time, Ry. She’ll come around.”

“Do you really think so?”

Ryan caught the brief pause, saw the tiny crease that flickered between her eyebrows. If he hadn’t been looking for these marks of doubt, though, he never would have seen them at all. “Yes,” she replied.

“You don’t seem 100% convinced.”

Serena huffed impatiently. “Well, I obviously can’t say for certain what she will or won’t do, but I can tell you that you have a chance, which is more than anyone else has ever gotten.” Why me? What did I do to deserve her attention? By no means did he have low self-esteem, but when it came to Lily, he might as well have been the guy from She’s Out of My League. Devastatingly beautiful, wicked smart, completely sure of herself--Lily was light years beyond the normal 1-10 rating scale and, at least in his mind, totally out of his league. “The only advice that I have for you is that you need to be patient. She lives in her head most of the time--you have to bring her back down to Earth and show her how all this works. You have to teach her how to fall in love with someone.”

“And how am I supposed to do that?” How was he supposed to do that when he, himself, had never been in love with someone? He was just as new to this as she was. And, besides, was that what he wanted? To fall in love? He had never gone on more than three dates with a girl since he had moved to Denver and his last long-term relationship had been back in high school, with a girl who had been smart enough to break up with him once she had realized that he fantasized about sharing his bed with the Stanley Cup, not her.

The sound of a door closing made them all whip around quickly. They watched Lily walk down the hallway towards them. “What?” She asked, clearly confused by their fixation upon her.

“Dessert!” Serena said brightly, herding Lily into the living room and onto a couch.

“What’s for dessert, anyway?” Ryan asked, moving into the living room, as well, taking a seat next to Lily. Finding a place beside Lily just came naturally to him, now, especially when they were around Serena and Gabriel. They were still the ‘Four Caballeros,’ as Serena’s mom had dubbed them, but it was impossible not to pair off when two of them were dating each other. The fact that Lily and Ryan were now ‘roommates’ just gave him a better reason to constantly gravitate to her side.

“Homemade ice cream!” Serena announced, beaming. “Everyone gets their favorite flavor.”

Gabriel walked into the living room, bearing four, white cardboard pints, marked with each person’s name in neat handwriting across the side. “Guess who made these?”

“The ice cream queen, herself, I’m sure,” Lily said, smiling at Serena.

Serena flashed a devilish grin. She was well-known for her affinity for the frozen dessert. “Of course! It’s the only thing that I can contribute to our kitchen.” She turned to Gabriel. “I get strawberry,” she said, putting her container down on the coffee table. “Gabe gets cookie dough--yuck.” His container joined hers on the coffee table.

“Hey!” Gabriel nudged his girlfriend with his hip lightly, his hands too full to scold her any further.

Serena leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed Gabriel’s cheek. “Sorry, but it’s gross.” She grabbed another container. “Double chocolate chip for Lily.” Ryan silently noted this for future reference. “And plain vanilla for boring Ryan.” Serena stuck her tongue out at him as she tossed him his ice cream.

“You don’t know what you’re missing, Ren,” Ryan insisted, cracking open his container, a whiff of fresh vanilla floating through the air. Suddenly, all he could think about was the girl sitting next to him, the vanilla-scented skin of her arm just inches from his. It occurred to him that he’d much rather have a taste of that than the ice cream in his hands.

“Actually, it’s you who doesn’t know--eep!” She squealed as Gabriel picked her up and threw her onto the couch. He joined her there, his fingers deftly sneaking under the hem of her shirt to tickle her bare skin, making her thrash around on the couch.

“Cookie dough,” he teased, “isn’t gross.”

“Yes it is!” She said obstinately, even as his insistent fingers continued to torture her. “Help me!” She squealed to the other two between shouts of laughter. Ryan and Lily just looked at each other, smiling slightly, feeling like the parents of two playful children. It had always been like this, though--Ryan and Lily were the best friends, the guardians, the confidants, to the other two. This, really, was what had brought them together in the first place--a mutual bond over their friends’ heartache. They watched Serena and Gabriel’s tickle war come to an end, sealed with a reconciliatory kiss, and then Gabriel pulled Serena into his lap, so that they could both enjoy their ice cream. Ryan envied them, that was for sure. He wanted nothing more than to be able to put his arm around Lily’s shoulders, pull her close, just as Gabriel had earned that privilege with Serena. Except, where Gabriel had known that Serena had reciprocated his affections, Ryan was working with, in essence, a brick wall.

He sighed deeply, digging into his ice cream with his spoon. Eating my feelings...Jesus, I might as well be PMSing. He felt something nudge his arm, though, and he turned to Lily in surprise.

“May I try some of yours?” She asked, her eyes questioning, her spoon hovering cautiously in the air between them.

“Yeah, for sure,” he said too quickly, caught off-guard by her question. Just as her spoon was about to take the plunge into his container, though, he pulled it away from her, causing her to pull up short, confused. “Just as long as I get to try some of yours, too,” he said teasingly. Her lips pulled back in a wide smile, revealing perfectly straight, white teeth, and she slid closer to him on the couch, so that he could reach her ice cream more easily. Ryan did his best to ignore how her jean-clad thigh molded to his with ease.

They both grabbed a spoonful of the other’s at the same time, their arms crossing to form an ‘X,’ then lifted their utensils to their mouths, keeping their eyes on each other to watch their reactions. Ryan crunched chocolate chips between his teeth, while Lily swirled the taste of vanilla around on her tongue. “How is it?” Serena asked, her voice sounding dim and far away, as though the two of them weren’t sitting on a couch, but submerged underwater.

“Delicious,” they said at the same time. For some reason, the exchange felt very intimate and Lily blushed, looking away from Ryan’s light blue gaze. She found that both Serena and Gabriel had been watching them with sly smiles and, suddenly, she felt as though she was missing something, that she had been left out of the loop. She frowned--she hated secrets.

“What?” She asked the couple defensively.

They looked surprised at her outburst. “Nothing,” they replied in unison. It was almost unnerving how in-tune with each other they had become.

Lily wasn’t used to noticing things like this and, quite frankly, she didn’t like being able to notice them. She was usually too busy musing over a writing piece to catch subtle social cues or casual conversations. Ever since she had arrived in Denver, however, she had found her creative mind mysteriously blank. Not blank, she revised. Tangled. This worried her, especially with her classes starting the next day.

She burrowed down into the cushions of the couch, wishing that she could somehow fold herself up small enough to disappear. She didn’t know why she was suddenly so uncomfortable, but what she did know was that she didn’t like it. Not at all. She felt Ryan shift beside her, his arm pressing lightly against hers. She was rather thankful for it--heat radiated from his skin in waves and she found it strangely comforting. He was so solid and reassuring. She just wanted to curl up against him... A flush crept up her neck, suddenly, as this thought brought back her conversation with Serena. Stop being ridiculous! she scolded herself. He’s my friend. She peeked up at his face and found him innocently scraping at the inside of his ice cream container. His eyes caught hers before she could look away, though, and the corner of his mouth turned up, just slightly. She was suddenly, overwhelmingly thankful for his friendship, for his solid and warm presence beside her, for asking for nothing more than her company. Her lips lifted in a brief smile.

Despite everything, she was glad that she had come to Denver.