Clueless

“I want someone to sit beside after the day’s pursuit and all its anguish, after its listening, its waitings, its suspicions. After quarreling and reconciliation I need privacy--to be alone with you, to set this hubbub in order.” - The Waves, Virginia Woolf

“Fuck,” Serena muttered, flopping down into her seat next to Lily. Lily silently agreed with her friend’s sentiment as she glanced up at the Jumbotron and saw the score again. It was the home opener for the Avalanche, but at the end of the second period, the Avalanche were down 3-0 to the Phoenix Coyotes. Mike Smith was single-handedly shutting down the Avalanche offense, which was causing much frustration on the home team’s bench. There had already been a few shattered sticks after particularly great chances were stymied by the seemingly impenetrable goaltender.

“There are still twenty minutes left in the game, Serena,” Lily reminded her, trying to remain realistically optimistic. Even after watching the sport for less than two seasons, she had come to realize that, with the speed of the game, time seemed to stretch, so that seconds became minutes and minutes became hours. A single minute could sometimes decide the fate of a game, a team, even a season.

“I don’t know if I can handle twenty more minutes of watching the boys shoot at a motherfucking brick wall,” she snapped, crossing her arms over her chest.

“This is beyond frustrating,” Ashley, Matt Duchene’s girlfriend, sighed. “We’ve got 30 shots on goal and not even one has gone in!” She shook her head, her wavy, honey blonde hair flying around her face. “I need a beer to get me through the rest of this game. Anyone want anything?”

“Could you get me one?” Serena asked, opening up her purse to pull out some money.

“Sure. Lily? Want anything?”

“No, thank you, Ashley.”

Ashley stood up, took the money that Serena offered her, and said, “I’ll be right back.”

“So...” Serena turned to face Lily, her brown eyes scanning her best friend’s face, gliding over the familiar planes, her sculpted cheekbones and jawline, searching for evidence that she had changed, even just a little bit. If anything, there was something different about her eyes...they were still that same dark blue, her stare still as defiantly impenetrable as ever, but they seemed brighter. There was a spark of consciousness, of awareness, that Serena had never noticed before. “How’s my Lily?” Serena asked, then, trying to seem upbeat, even as she attempted to decipher the specific difference in Lily. “I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“I know,” Lily sighed. She had felt Serena’s absence keenly. After living with her for two years, it was hard to adjust to a life where she only saw her every few weeks, if that. She had thought that, since they were going to be living in the same city, they would see each other more often, but life, as usual, often got in the way. “We’ve both been quite busy.”

“This is true,” Serena acceded. “Work’s been kinda crazy, lately. I mean, I love it, because I’m always busy, but it’s also pretty exhausting.”

“Do you travel often?”

“Oh, my God! All the freakin’ time!” Serena exclaimed exasperatedly. “I mean, they’re usually little day or weekend trips, but they take their toll, you know? Especially when I’m flying out to the east coast for the weekend on a fuckin’ red eye and my sleep schedule is just so fucked up and--” She took a deep breath. “Jesus, enough about me. What about you?! How’s school?”

“Oh, it’s fine,” she replied. “I experienced a slow start, creatively, but I think this was due to the abrupt change in my environment. I had to become accustomed to my desk.” Serena nodded sagely. Wherever Lily had lived, she had always had a ‘writing place,’ the one spot where she could consistently work in relative peace, where her flow of thoughts could spill seamlessly onto the blank pages in front of her. Growing up, she had moved around often, which made finding a certain ‘writing place’ significantly more difficult. Instead, she had lugged around a battered typewriter from house to house, apartment to apartment, driving her family crazy with the constant clacking of the keys. The typewriter was retired when she went off to boarding school, where she was given a laptop from the dawn of the Silicon Valley Age and found a written-on cubicle in the basement of the library; then she upgraded to a gifted MacBook and her school-issued desk at BU; and now, finally, the exquisite roll-top that Ryan had purchased for her, as well as paper and pen. It had taken her a few weeks to get used to it--to its contours and space, its unblemished surface--but when she finally had, the words had burst forth from her mind, unused to being dammed up.

“And how do you like the other graduate students?”

“Oh, I suppose they’re alright,” Lily responded noncommittally, shrugging. Even after a month of seminars with the same, small group of people, she hadn’t taken the time to figure out if she liked any of them. In truth, she didn’t quite care. She was there to write, not to make friends.

“Lily...”

“I know, I know,” she snapped. She was well aware of the response that Serena had been hoping for. They’re fantastic and amazing and I’ve made so many friends and we hang out all the time...! In other words, what Serena, herself, would say. But making friends had never been a strong point for Lily. She had a small group of very close friends and family members that satisfied her need for deep communication and affection of any sort. Any additions to this exclusive group came after much careful consideration and subtle tests of their integrity. For Lily, it came down to a matter of trust, something that she did not dole out often.

“You need to meet new people! Make new friends!” Serena insisted, her more-sociable-than-thou attitude coming to the forefront. “You’re in a new city with a million new people, Lil. You’ve gotta take advantage of it! Don’t let this turn into Boston all over again.”

“And what, exactly, do you mean by that?” She asked icily.

Serena soldiered on, unperturbed. “You had four years to meet thousands of people our age and you barely saw the light of day, because you were in class or locked up in the library 23/7.” Lily met Serena’s disapproving look with a glare.

“My circle of friends increased significantly during my time at BU,” she sniffed.

Serena raised an eyebrow. “What, you mean me, Gabe, and Ryan? Wow. Earth shattering!” Her sarcasm was not lost on Lily.

“For your information, Serena, I made more friends at BU than I did during all of my years in boarding school.”

“I can imagine,” Serena said dryly. Lily just rolled her eyes, knowing that trying to defend herself was useless. Serena gave a dramatic sigh. “Lily Minerva Evans, can you just please try and make some new friends this year? Please?”

She bristled at Serena’s mother-hen tone. Not even her own mother used her full name when speaking to her. “I don’t quite see the point--”

“Look, as much as I hate to say this, I’m not gonna be around as often. As much time as we used to spend together...that’s just not feasible, anymore. Post-college life kinda sucks,” she muttered, her voice doleful. “I know that you’re not really a people person, Lil, but I just wanna make sure that you’re gonna be okay.”

“Serena,” Lily sighed exasperatedly, “I’m fine.”

“I don’t want you to get lonely.”

“How could I possibly be lonely? I may not be living with you, anymore, but I still have a roommate.”

“A roommate who has frequent road trips, practices, and media appearances!” Serena cried, throwing her hands in the air.

“I understand that Ryan’s schedule allows for very little time at home, believe me, but I will be quite alright on my own. I don’t need someone with me at all times. I’m not a child.” She couldn’t help the irritated edge that had crept into her voice. She appreciated Serena’s concern and knew that she was only looking out for her--she was an antisocial person in a new city, after all--but she was an adult. She could handle herself. And, above all, she didn’t need anyone. She never had.

Serena closed her eyes and took a deep breath through her nose before her eyes flickered open again. “I know, Lil. I didn’t mean to... Look, just... Can you pinky promise me that you’ll at least try? That you’ll be open to meeting new people.” Lily raised her eyes to the rafters of the Pepsi Center, but deigned to hold out her hand, pinky extended. Serena eagerly reached out, herself, and wrapped her own finger around Lily’s. “Promise?”

“I promise,” Lily muttered unwillingly. Whatever it took to make Serena happy--and keep her quiet.

“‘Scuse me! Sorry!” The girls both glanced up to find that Ashley had just appeared at the end of the row. After squeezing past the other occupants in their row, she leaned down towards Serena. “Here ya go,” she said, handing her a plastic cup emblazoned with the Avalanche logo. She took a seat and raised her own cup, Serena mimicking the movement. “Cheers,” she said despondently and then they both took a huge gulp of the golden liquid, their movements in sync in their shared misery.

As the intermission dwindled to a close, the teams made their way out of the locker rooms, the starting lines warming up on the ice. Ryan skated past the glass, glancing up into the crowd as he did so, finding Lily sitting a few rows back, bundled up in a navy blue coat. She raised a mittened hand in acknowledgement and he wanted to smile, but the way things were going, he just didn’t have the heart to. Instead, he turned his face away from her and kept skating. Breathe. Stay in the moment. Focus. It was hard to do, however, when he could feel Lily following him with her eyes as he circled the Avalanche zone. Her gaze had been drawn to the white ‘C’ on the left shoulder of his jersey. It brought her back to the September evening when he had come home from his last day of training camp.

He had been strangely quiet at dinner, seemingly engrossed by what was on his plate, as though looking for answers to the secrets of the universe in his spinach. Though Lily had no complaints about a quiet meal, she knew that such a prolonged silence was uncommon for Ryan and she wondered what was preoccupying him.

“How was training camp?” She inquired casually.

He raised his head slowly to meet her curious gaze. “Fine,” he replied tonelessly. His mouth twisted into a wry smile. “I made the team.”

Lily laughed. “Forgive me if I don’t seem very surprised.”

“Someone’s got a lot of faith.”

“Someone has a lot of talent,” she countered.

He shrugged, the tips of his ears turning pink, and transferred his gaze back to his plate, where he pushed a piece of salmon around absentmindedly. “I got the ‘C,’” he said suddenly.

Lily waited a beat, hoping that he might explain further without her having to ask, but his eyes stayed on his plate. She coughed delicately. “The ‘C’?”

He looked up at her questioning tone. “Oh, sorry. I, uh...I was named captain.”

“Oh, Ryan!” She exclaimed, reaching across the table to give his forearm a light squeeze. “Congratulations!” He stared at where her fingers clutched his arm, wondering how she would react if he pulled her across the table and kissed her for being so excited for him, but she quickly drew her hand back. “You don’t seem quite as thrilled. What’s the matter?”

He sighed, secretly mourning the loss of her searing touch against his skin. “I mean, I’m really honored, obviously. And happy, too, I guess, but...it’s just a lot of responsibility. A lot of pressure.” He put his fork down and sat back in his seat. “To be honest, I thought Landy was gonna get the nod.”

“But you’re older than him!”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Ryan chuckled. “There’s been a lot of young captains...Sidney Crosby, Jonathan Toews, Steve Yzerman... And Landy, well, he’d be more than qualified. Ever since he was in juniors, people have been predicting that he’d be a captain in the NHL. He knows what it takes.”

“And you don’t?”

He shrugged, clearly embarrassed. “I guess I just...I was never expected to know what it takes, you know? People weren’t pointing me out as a future captain. I mean, all I cared about was making it to the NHL. That’s all. And now that I’m here, all that I want to do is work as hard as I can and eventually--hopefully--”

“Win the Stanley Cup.” She watched his eyes glaze over, his gaze focused on something far away; a dream--for now. Lily tried to imagine what he was seeing: a winning goal, a joyous home crowd, the feeling of all those names beneath your fingertips as you lifted the Cup over your head for the first time. She could see him being the one to do that, with a bushy playoff beard and his one missing tooth, his unruly curls spilling from beneath a hat proclaiming him as a Stanley Cup Champion. “Well, captain,” he smiled at her emphatic tone, “I think you should try to relax. They wouldn’t have chosen you if they didn’t believe that you were the right person for the job.” Her eyes dropped to her plate. “I, personally, think that you will be a very good captain.”

“Thanks, Lil.” He watched her as she twirled some spinach onto her fork, letting himself weave her ethereal beauty into his Stanley Cup fantasy. The thought of her running out onto the ice to congratulate him was a moment that was vying for first place in his heart, right alongside lifting the legendary trophy for the first time. Don’t get ahead of yourself. “I hope you’re right.”

~

The final horn went off, signaling that the Avalanche had lost their home opener 4-1. Ryan, through pure force of will, had been the lone scorer for the Avalanche. Serena had led Lily and Ashley in a silent procession to the player’s lounge where they now sat, waiting with the other players’ families for their significant (and not-so-significant) others to arrive.

“We can give you a ride home, Lil,” Serena said, sounding exhausted. Before Lily could respond, Gabriel appeared at Serena’s side. She looked up at him gravely, reaching out to brush her fingertips lightly along the sleeve of his blazer. As her hand fell past his fingers, he reached out to grab it, pulling her up off of the couch and into his side.

Lily stared up at them, confused. “Surely Ryan can--”

“He runs the stairs after losses,” Gabriel explained shortly. “He’s gonna be awhile.”

Lily glanced around the lounge, watching as other players filed out of the locker room, their families moving forward to greet them, comfort them, and finally leave through the oak double doors on the other side of the room. Then, she thought of Ryan, running past the empty seats of the Pepsi Center, all alone. She pictured him throwing his sweaty jersey, with its white ‘C,’ into a pile of equally damp sweaters and then leaving the arena, the hallways deathly silent around him. “I can wait,” she said quietly.

“No, Lil, it’s fine. We’ll just take you home,” Serena insisted.

“You don’t have to.”

“He told me to give you a ride home,” Gabriel put forth. “He didn’t want you to have to wait for him.”

“Really, it’s quite alright. You shouldn’t have to go out of your way and I’m perfectly content to wait, however long it might take.”

“Lil--,” Serena began to protest. Lily, however, could see that Gabriel was getting antsy, glancing at the door longingly.

“I’ll be fine,” she said firmly. “Go.” She nodded in Gabriel’s direction and Serena, glancing at her boyfriend’s strained features, got the message.

She bit her lip. “Okay, well...we’ll see you soon.”

“Good night.”

“Night, Lil,” Gabriel said, waving quickly, before whisking Serena out the door.

Lily settled back into the leather couch, watching the rest of the players and coaching staff trickle out. One of the last to leave the locker room was Jamie McGinn. He did a double-take as he passed the couch.

“Hey!” He slowed to a stop in front of her, smiling.

“Hello.”

“It’s Lily, right?” She nodded and he held out his hand to her, grinning. “I’m Jamie. Nice to finally meet you.”

She watched as his huge hand swallowed hers in a warm handshake. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

To her surprise, he took a seat beside her on the couch, leaning back against the cushions, completely at ease. “So, how do you like the Mile High, so far?”

“It’s a beautiful city.”

“With beautiful people.” His smile grew a little wider as he said this, his eyes boring into hers.

She blushed. “I suppose so.”

He glanced around the empty lounge and then back at her. “Waiting for Ryan?” He asked somewhat reluctantly.

“Yes.”

“You might be waiting awhile...he only went up there like ten minutes ago.”

She shrugged. “I came prepared to wait,” she said, pulling a book out of her purse. She always came prepared.

He turned his head to the side to read the title. “The Waves.” He nodded, his eyes widening briefly. “You’re a big reader, right? Ryan was saying you were an English major.” He talks about me. The gleeful thought was automatic, a knee-jerk reaction to Jamie’s statement. She shook herself, mentally. What did it matter if he talked about her to his teammates? Of course he probably mentions you every so often. You’re his roommate, you idiot! There was no reason to get so excited about such a trivial fact. She tried not to let her internal embarrassment show on her face. “Did Ryan show you some of the bookstores around here?”

“Oh...no. He doesn’t really have the time, as I’m sure you know...”

To her surprise, however, Jamie rolled his eyes. “He’d have the time if he wasn’t such a fitness fanatic!”

“You’re athletes, though,” she reminded him, “you’re supposed to be.”

Jamie shook his head. “He takes it to a completely different level. I mean,” he indicated the locker room door with his thumb, “that’s the perfect example! Running the stairs after a loss.” He sighed. “It’s good that he pushes himself, that he cares so much--I’m not trying to say effort is a bad thing--but sometimes you just gotta relax. Like, if I knew that a girl like you was waiting for me at home, I might think about skipping a few runs.”

There was no hiding the fire that rose in her cheeks at his words. Is he...is he flirting with me?! “I--we--it’s not--” He just smiled at her, completely unperturbed, as if he hadn’t just been hitting on her, nor alluding to a scenario in which Ryan might have feelings for her, as well. “He doesn’t...we aren’t...” She took a deep breath. I knew I should have found my own apartment. “It isn’t like that between us. At all. Whatsoever.” Jamie cocked his head to the side, his expression one of subtle skepticism. “So, he really has nothing to rush home to.”

“That’s a shame.”

Why can’t I just be left in peace with my book?! She hadn’t asked for this. She never did. And yet, she always managed to be dragged into these tiresome conversations in which she, inevitably, shot down her would-be suitors with the combined force of her icy demeanor and total lack of knowledge of social cues, especially ones that involved the art of flirting. Jamie, however, was being so blatantly flirtatious that she would have had to be deaf, dumb, and blind to miss it. “I don’t mean to sound rude, Jamie, but--”

“Am I coming on too strong?” He asked, smiling wryly. “I apologize.”

“I--” His blunt honesty was completely disarming. “It’s fine,” she finally muttered lamely.

“Here, how about this?” He offered, sitting up straight. “Instead of me being an obnoxious prick and shamelessly flirting with my teammate’s...good friend...” Lily did not miss the stress he put on those two words. “...I’ll ask you for your number, instead, so that maybe, sometime soon, we could grab lunch or something and you can get to know me and see that I’m not actually as much of a douche as I’ve made myself out to be in this conversation.”

Lily opened her mouth to respond, then closed it again when she realized that she had no idea what to say. She didn’t know what to make of Jamie’s directness of speech or his barefaced honesty. However much she wanted to dislike him, she could not actually bring herself to--trust, the quality she valued most in a person, was based on honesty and he was handing it to her on a silver platter. Quite suddenly, she thought of Serena’s concerned insistence that she at least try to be open about meeting new people. When she had promised that she would, however, she hadn’t thought the sanctity of that vow would be tested so quickly. “I...” Even as this first syllable left her mouth, she didn’t know what she was about to say. “...think that is a very reasonable plan of action.”

For a split second, Jamie let the shock of her acceptance flash across his face, revealing to Lily that he was not as sure of himself as he seemed. No one is, really, she thought to herself. “Really? Because it sounded pretty crazy in my head,” he joked, grinning. He reached into the pocket of his blazer and pulled out his cell phone. “Here, you can just add your number.” To her surprise, he stayed a respectable distance from her as she entered the digits that he had so desperately sought, not hanging over her shoulder, as she had expected him to do. “Thank you, ma’am,” he twanged cheerily as she handed the phone back to him.

“You’re welcome, sir.”

He sat back in his seat, again, looking at her as though he was measuring her up. Finally, he said, “You know, I know where Ryan’s place is--I’ve been there a few times--I could give you a ride home, if you wanted.”

Her mind didn’t even give her time to contemplate his offer. Don’t forget about Ryan, it reminded her. As if she could ever forget. “That’s very nice of you, Jamie, but I think I should just wait here.”

A strange, secretive smile flickered across his face. “Well, I hope you don’t have to wait too long.” She just shrugged and he stood up, then. “Good night, Lily.”

“Good night.” He started to walk away. “I’m sorry about the game,” she said, biting her lip.

He gave her a rueful smile, his eyes searching her face with the barest shred of longing. “You win some and you lose some.”

~

“Lily?”

There was a terrified squeak and Lily’s book went flying through the air, to land with a thunk on the floor. She whipped around to face Ryan--who couldn’t help laughing--her hand pressed to her chest, her expression one of outrage. “I didn’t hear you come in!”

He was still laughing as he rounded the corner of the couch, picked up Lily’s fallen book, and came to sit beside her. He was shocked by his own mirth--usually, he could barely smile after a loss, let alone laugh. Yet, as soon as he had seen the back of Lily’s head--it had become incredibly familiar over the past month and a half--his anger at the disappointing loss had completely dissolved, to be replaced with a shock of pleasure. She waited for me. “You’re lost in your book, that’s why,” he chuckled, handing it back to her.

“Yes, well,” she muttered, keeping her head down as she slipped the treasured tome back into her purse, “it’s in stream-of-consciousness. One gets very wrapped up in the prose.”

“Sorry to interrupt your, uh--”

“Stream-of-consciousness,” she repeated patiently.

“Right.” They both fell silent, the only audible sound being that of a janitor rolling a garbage can through the empty hallways, the noise a dim rumble. “What are you still doing here, anyway?” he asked.

“Waiting for you.”

“I told Gabe to--”

“Don’t worry, he and Serena didn’t abandon me,” she assured him, smiling. “I wanted to wait for you.”

“Why?” He asked, astonished.

“I didn’t relish the thought of you going home alone. That you wouldn’t have anyone to greet you here, like your teammates did.”

His heart felt about three times its normal size, all of a sudden. “I never usually do,” he admitted.

Lily blushed and her eyes fell to the floor. “I was worried that you might not want me to wait--that you might prefer to return home alone. I apologize for assuming--”

“No!” Ryan exclaimed. “God, no! That’s not what I...I meant that...I only ever have someone waiting for me if my family’s in town or something, but otherwise...” She was looking at him again and he lost his train of thought as he stared into her blue eyes. One day, he was going to get lost in them and not be able to find his way back out. He wasn’t sure he’d want to, anyway. He blinked and took a deep breath. “What I’m trying to say--really awkwardly--is that I really appreciate you waiting for me.” The corner of her mouth barely turned upwards. “If I had known you’d been waiting, I would have run a bit faster.” At this, he earned a full smile.

“Oh, it wasn’t so bad,” she murmured, ducking her head to try and hide her grin. She didn’t know why she was smiling. She didn’t know why there was a warm glow spreading through her veins, as though her blood had turned molten. She didn’t know why, when she was in Ryan’s presence, the words in her head became tangled and twisted, unable to be caught and corralled into neat sentences, even paragraphs. Ever since she had arrived in Denver, her life had been thrown off-kilter, upside down. She felt like a tightrope walker balancing on the thinnest wire, above a dark, uncertain abyss. Each step she took was wavering and unsteady, her life constantly in threat of being thrown into the air, tetherless and unanchored, completely out of her control. She had to remain vigilant, she reminded herself; stand tall, breathe in and out, eyes wide open. You can make it across. The only problem was, the end was nowhere in sight--if there even was an end to this acrobatic feat.

“So...should I expect you to be waiting here after every game? Even losses?”

“If you would like me to.”

“I would.”

“Alright, then.”

“Really?”

“Of course.”

“I think we should shake on it,” he insisted, only half-joking. He held out his hand towards her. She raised an eyebrow at him. So many promises...This one she wouldn’t mind keeping, though. She held her hand out to him,and he grasped it firmly as they marked their silent promise of companionship. Everything about her felt right--from the feel of her hand in his, to the heat of her at his side. Please, he begged the universe, please let me have her. He had never been one to lean on fate or luck--he had learned to go out and work for what he wanted--but he had the feeling that he might need a little extra help, this time. “Ready to head home?” He held her hand for a second longer than was necessary, but she didn’t seem to notice.

“Yes,” she said, trying to stifle a yawn, “I think so.”

They stood up and Ryan’s hand automatically maneuvered its way around Lily’s waist, alighting on its ordained spot between her shoulder blades, his fingers pressing just enough to guide her forward, without seeming overbearing. And so, they made their way across the room, side by side, and entered the empty hallways of the arena, together.