Clueless

“How could she help being ‘like that’ to look at? No one could accuse her of taking pains to impress. And she would, if she had the chance, have liked to take people by the scruff of their necks and make them see.” To the Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf

Lily’s bedroom door was cracked open, warmth and light spilling out into the darkened hallway, alighting on, first, a bright blue eye, then a clean-shaven jaw, and finally thin lips parted in silent awe. From this angle, Ryan had a perfect view of Lily sitting before her lacquered-wood vanity, turning her head from side to side as she looked herself over in the mirror, her long, dark hair spilling over her shoulders in loose waves. From this angle, he could follow her creamy skin right down the v-neck of her dress, where the fullness of her breasts was hinted at in a modest manner that still managed to make his mouth water. And from this angle, he could clearly see the troubled expression on her face as she reached up with one hand, her fingertips ghosting along her jawline, her gaze on her reflection hard and brittle. He drew his face away from the crack in the door and rapped two knuckles against the wood.

Ryan heard the rattle of glass bottles as Lily rose from her seat in a rush, the heels she was wearing tapping across the hardwood floors, his heartbeat outpacing her stride with every step she took. When the door swung open, revealing her in all her glory, his heart was not in the least ready. His eyes tracked up and down quickly, drinking in her smoky eye, the v-neck of her dress, her long, slim legs. Quite suddenly, however, her perpetually cool fingers were covering his eyes, blocking out the light, the warmth, the beauty.

“Please,” she begged quietly, “please don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?” He asked, astonished and desperate to right whatever wrong he had unknowingly committed.

“Like the rest of them do.” Her voice was heavy and slightly choked, like she was holding back tears. His pulse reached fever pitch at the idea that he was about to make her cry. Let me help you. Let me fix this. Tell me how. “Like I’m not real.” She dropped her hands from his eyes, but he kept them tightly shut, still listening to her. “As though I am just this...this body, this face--” She broke off as, eyes still closed, Ryan reached out and grabbed her by the wrists, as though he had known that she would reach up to tug at her face in her frustration. His touch gentle, he brought her hands back up to cover his eyes again.

“You feel real to me.” And somehow, she knew that he did not just mean the way she felt beneath his fingertips. She held her breath as his fingers tapped a countdown against the backs of her hands. 3, 2, 1. He pulled her hands away and revealed his blue eyes, sparkling with gentle kindness in the way that she was used to. “Better?” She could only nod. He smiled at her, then, bringing one set of their twined hands above her head and slowly turning her in a circle. “As redundant as this probably sounds, you look beautiful.”

With her back turned to him, she let her eyes flutter closed, for a moment, quickly opening them as she completed her 360° turn. She couldn’t hide the flush in her cheeks, though. “Thank you. However redundant, it is still nice to hear, I suppose.”

“Ready to go?” He hadn’t let go of her hand. Either she didn’t notice or she was pretending not to.

“Yes.” With some reluctance, he finally disentangled his fingers from hers, so that she could grab her coat from her closet and turn off the lights in her room.

Without the illumination from her bedroom, the hallway was almost pitch black, only a feeble light drifting up from downstairs. Ryan paused at the top of the stairs, his back to Lily. “How do I look at you?” He glanced back at her over his shoulder, finding her eyes glittering like river stones in the dark.

“Not like they do.”

~

Saturday, November 8, 2014

“You know he likes you, right?”

“I beg your pardon?” Lily asked, startled and confused. She had been watching Serena turn and swivel in front of the Neiman Marcus dressing room mirror for forty-five minutes, trying on dresses for her and Gabriel’s combined birthday celebration, only a week away. They had chosen Lily’s dress already--an artistically embroidered, v-neck mini dress with black opaque side panels and a mesh back. The hem length and price duly tutted away by Serena, the pair had moved on to finding a dress suitable enough to contain Serena’s boundless personality. It had been nothing but ‘What about this?’ or ‘Is this too much?’ and ‘I’m not feeling this one’ since then, so Serena’s casual question, tossed Lily’s way as though they were discussing the weather, had thrown her off completely. “Who likes me?”

Serena spun around to face her, her hands on her hips, her expression suddenly stern. “Ryan. Your roommate. Our friend. He likes you.”

Lily sat there silently for a solid minute before looking up at Serena, her outer calm belying the inner chaos. “How do you know?”

Serena rolled her eyes dramatically. “Who doesn’t know is the better question. How anyone, especially you, could not have guessed that by now is totally beyond me.” Her body couldn’t seem to decide how to react, her cheeks flushing and a shiver shooting up her spine at the same time. Ryan likes me? “I mean, okay, he’s been good at hiding it, for the most part, but sometimes I really had to wonder whether you were paying attention to reality, at all!”

“How long?” Lily finally managed to ask.

“What?”

“For how long has he had these...feelings for me?”

“I’m pretty sure he was a goner as soon as he saw you.”

Lily felt herself shut down at her friend’s words. As soon as he saw you. But what had he seen? She shivered again, her body having decided its main course of reaction: panic. “Why are you telling me this?” This could ruin everything. She was no longer standing on that thread of a tightrope, anymore. It had all but vanished in light of Serena’s revelations.

Serena placed one hand on Lily’s bowed head and answered her softly, “Because I love seeing you smiling and laughing and living...and that’s what you do when you’re with him.” Her hand drifted down to Lily’s chin before gently tipping it up, so that she could meet her eyes. “I don’t want you to live like I did--scared of feeling and loving. You owe yourself more than that. You’re braver than that, braver than I could ever be.”

Lily gripped her friend’s hand tightly. “I’m not even brave enough to wear red,” she said, smiling sadly. She stood up and looked into the mirror while Serena looked at her. “I think this is the one.” Serena reluctantly followed her gaze, mulling over the strapless, red bandage dress that was clinging to her curves like a racecar on the inside track. Finally, she gave her a lopsided smile in the mirror.

“I think you’re right.”

~

During the week leading up to the party, Lily had surprised herself with her own presence of mind around Ryan. Though she found herself breaking down his every move and word during quieter moments, when she was physically with him, she was too preoccupied with appreciating their time together to bother with her unruly emotions. Her skating lessons had resumed and he was teaching her how to skate backwards, a feat that required much ‘hands-on’ experience. She blushed every time her thoughts drifted to their hours at the rink. She could feel his hands on her hips, gently guiding her on a blind path around the rink, his voice soft as he directed her to angle her skates this way and that. The gentle cadence of his instructions soon inspired a fluid pattern of movement, on Lily’s part. Not so bad, eh? He had asked her. And with the world slipping away beneath her feet, her mind focused on the heat of his hands and his warm breath on the back of her neck, she had shaken her head and thought, No, not so bad, at all.

“That’ll be $17.25, sir.”

Ryan reached through the scratched, plastic divider and handed the cab driver a twenty dollar bill. “You can keep the change.”

“Thank you.”

Ryan got out and held his hand out for Lily to take as she slid out of the taxi after him. They both stared up at the brightly lit sign over their heads. ‘Koko’s Karaoke.’ “Oh, boy.” Serena had planned the whole thing, but kept the details under wraps, only texting them the address of their destination half an hour before they were supposed to be there. “This should be interesting,” Ryan said, amused, but secretly nervous. They can’t make me sing, can they? I mean, I know it’s their birthday, but...I’m the captain, damn it! I’m supposed to boss people around, not them! But knowing Serena, his imagined authority would go absolutely nowhere with her.

“You guys!” Ryan and Lily turned to see Serena practically skipping towards them, hauling a laughing Gabriel along after her. Matt and Ashley strolled a few steps behind them, smiling and waving. “Perfect timing!” She cried breathlessly, throwing her arms around both of them and pulling them in for a hug. Everyone exchanged greetings, a general buzz of excitement electrifying the air around their group. After a grinding stretch of games for the Avalanche, everyone was eager to throw all caution to the wind for one night and completely relax. Serena peered down the sidewalk in either direction. “No OB, yet?”

At that moment, a taxi squealed up to the curb next to them and Cassidy, followed by Shane, tumbled out of the back seat, both looking disheveled in a way that told their friends that they hadn’t kept their hands to themselves during the ride over. Shane, one hand wrapped around Cassidy’s shoulders and the other lifted in the air, shouted his greeting to the world, “The party has arrived!”

~

“Next up is Gabe Valera. Do we have a Gabe Valera?”

Gabriel looked over at his girlfriend. “Something tells me that’s my cue.”

Serena giggled. “Do you like your new last name? I tried not to make your presence too obvious, for your sake, but you’re gonna blow your own cover going up there, anyway.” In truth, Serena had done such a good job during the planning process, that there was no great risk in one of the most widely-recognized players on the Colorado Avalanche belting out a tune on-stage. She had chosen a Monday night right between both of their birthdays and venues that were less than exclusive, but also off the grid. Though Koko’s was clean and well-managed, it was obviously more of a dive-bar type. The boys were learning to appreciate these places--they were more likely to be inhabited by easygoing regulars, rather than a younger crowd that would swarm around them the whole night, just for the thrill of being near someone famous. It was one of the rare times that they felt like regular people, not multi-millionaire athletes with a reputation to keep squeaky clean. Indeed, only a few patrons had come up to their group since they had arrived, and all had been polite and quick in their picture and autograph requests. There were a few college-age girls hanging around, but they seemed deterred by the female companions of the players and held their admiration and envy to stares alone.

Gabriel chugged his beer and slammed the bottle on the table when he was finished. Standing up, he called out to the emcee, “Present!”

The emcee looked at him, then at the list of names, and then back at him. “Come on down, Gabe!” He said heartily, waving him up onto the tiny stage. “Looks like you already have a song picked out.”

“Oh, I do, huh?” Gabriel looked back at Serena, who just smiled brightly at him and waved. “Let me guess, it’s--”

“ABBA! What a classic!”

Gabriel raised his eyes to the ceiling, trying to hide his smile as his friends burst into laughter, Shane reaching over Cassidy to slap Serena on the back. “That is perfect,” he bellowed.

Serena pretended to wipe dirt off her shoulders. “Get your cameras out, people. This is gonna be good.”

Gabriel was handed a microphone and the music started up. “Oh my God, Serena,” Ashley squealed, “‘Take a Chance On Me’? Too adorable.” Gabriel bit back a smile. They could all tell that he was pretending not to recognize the tune, but his foot was tapping away in time with the music and there was no hesitation when the words started to appear on the screen.

“If you change your mind, I’m the first in line. Honey, I’m still free. Take a chance on me,” he sang along, one hand fidgeting in his pocket, but a smile spreading over his face. Their group clapped along to the beat, encouraging the rest of the small audience to join in. Gabriel loosened up a bit, then, swaying along with the music and putting some effort into actually singing, instead of just reading the words as they flashed across the screen. “If you need me, let me know, gonna be around. If you’ve got no place to go, if you’re feeling down.” Lily kept glancing across the table at Serena, who was singing along at the top of her lungs in solidarity. “My love is strong enough to last when things are rough. It’s magic!” She had eyes for no one but Gabriel. Lily had never seen her smiling so big, and that was saying something. As Gabriel sang the next line of the song, he looked right at Serena and smiled just as big. “You say that I waste my time, but I can’t get you off my mind. No, I can’t let you go, ‘cause I love you so.” If that is love, Lily thought to herself, it doesn’t seem so bad. She leaned back in her chair and felt the inviting warmth of Ryan’s arm against her back, where he had rested it along the top of her seat.

He leaned over towards her, his arm curling in a bit, his hand cupping her shoulder. “He’s not too shabby, eh?”

“I think he did his fellow Swedes proud.”

The song ended and Gabriel received a standing ovation for his efforts, some patrons even calling for an encore, but he quickly delivered the microphone back to the emcee and slunk off the stage. He came up behind Serena and pecked her on the cheek. “You’re cute, you know that?”

She giggled again, but slid off her seat. “Come on, ladies. We’re up next!”

“Ladies?” Her three friends repeated in unison, giving her an incredulous look.

“Yes! I signed us up for at least one turn. Anything beyond that depends on you--or how much you drink.” She winked and grabbed Cassidy, her nearest victim, by the hand and dragged her up on stage. Ashley and Lily followed more reluctantly.

“What are we singing?” Ashley asked suspiciously.

“You’ll see,” Serena replied coyly, handing out a microphone to each girl. The music started up and a few girls in the audience shrieked their approval. “Remember this, Lil?!” Serena asked her excitedly, hooking their arms together.

“How could I possibly forget?!”

All four girls belted out the first line in unison, “I threw a wish in the well, don’t ask me I’ll never tell, I looked to you as it fell, and now you’re in my way!” Lily was instantly transported to some of her happiest times at Stuvi II, when Serena, half-crazy from being shut up inside her dorm room with nothing but books, would come bursting through Lily’s door, laptop held high overhead, “Call Me Maybe” blasting from the speakers. The first time that this had happened, Lily had just let herself be swung around the room by Serena, who was screaming the lyrics to the world. By the second and third times, they were both belting out the song at the top of their lungs and dancing like people possessed. Lily had never had so much fun in her life. “Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe!”

Ryan couldn’t believe what he was seeing and neither could his teammates. They kept punching him in the arm and shouting, “Do you see her? This is unreal!” Understatement of the century. He was glad that the guys were getting video evidence of this moment.

There was no other way to describe her but electric. She and Serena twirled around the stage, linked at the arm, but for once, Lily outshone her friend. It was as though every light in the room was focused on her and the radiance of her smile. Quite suddenly, his only wish in life was to make her that happy all the time. If there was anything more beautiful than Lily, herself, it had to be her smile.

The room seemed to explode as the girls sang their last line, chairs being knocked over in people’s exuberance to jump to their feet and applaud. Holding hands, all four bowed low, and then made their way off the stage, clearly still amped on their performance.

“That deserves a drink, no?” Cassidy asked the boys, panting slightly from their exertions on the stage.

“It’s on me, babe,” Shane announced, jumping up and heading towards the bar.

“Babe,” Serena and Ashley repeated, their voices dripping with overwrought emphasis, before they burst into delirious giggles. Cassidy shoved them, but her wide smile told a different story.

“Are you guys legit, yet, or what?” Serena asked impatiently.

“He’s working on it,” Cassidy replied easily, smirking.

“Oh, Cass,” Ashley laughed, “you’re such a ballbuster.”

“I have never seen you like that,” Ryan said to Lily as she collapsed into the chair next to him, still smiling widely. “You were fantastic.”

“Perhaps after another drink or so, you might see such a display again!” Her jubilance was infectious and he laughed along with her. Jeez, I hope I do. “What are you going to sing?” She asked him.

He shook his head emphatically, waving his hands in front of him as he did so. “Nope. I am not going up there.”

She looked affronted. “Ryan! Why not?”

“I’m not much of a singer. And I don’t even have good looks to fall back on, like you ladies do.” He included the rest of the girls in his statement, even though he was only thinking of Lily.

“I don’t think those girls share your opinion,” she noted, nodding towards the opposite corner of the room, where a group of young women were crowded around a table, openly staring. They tittered and quickly dropped their gazes when Ryan turned to look over his shoulder at them.

“And what about you?” He asked, suddenly emboldened. There was something in the air that made him feel reckless, an electric current that pulsed between he and Lily alone that made every risky word seem worth it.

“What about me?”

“Do you share my opinion?”

“No,” she said, smiling, and leaned over to brush a strand of hair out of his eyes. The fingers that gripped his pint of beer turned white. “I find you very pretty, but if you are that concerned with performing alone, perhaps we could sing a duet?” He nodded away like a bobblehead doll. “If they get tired of our voices, I suppose we could distract them with our faces,” she mused.

He found his voice again. “I can tell you right now, they won’t make a single complaint about our singing and it’ll be no thanks to me.”

Her gaze on him was soft, like melted butter. “You’re very sweet, Ryan.” And then she kissed his cheek and stood up. “I shall go sign us up, then.”

He was frozen to his chair, not even able to turn his head to watch her walk up to the stage. The inch of skin that had been graced with her lips burned like she had branded him. She might as well have. She owned him, body and soul, there was no denying that, anymore.

His beer was unceremoniously ripped from his hands, startling him out of his daze. He watched Cassidy drain the remaining amber liquid in his pint in one gulp, before pointing the empty glass at him and grinning wickedly.

“Dead man walking, my friend,” she chuckled. “Dead man walking.”

~

Matt showed them all up and left every girl in the room swooning when he sang Brad Paisley’s “Wrapped Around”, he and Ashley making eyes at each other through the whole song. It would have been sickening, if it hadn’t been so goddamn sweet.

“Do you think they’ll get married?” Lily whispered to Ryan.

He edged his chair closer to her, in order to keep their conversation quiet, but mostly just to be as near to her as possible. “They’re good together. They care about each other. To be honest, I think it’s only a matter of time.” Actually, he knew for a fact that that time was upon them--Matt had showed his teammates the ring that he’d been carrying around in his pocket for weeks. He was only waiting for the ‘right moment’, whenever that was.

Next was Cassidy sauntering up on stage, her less-than-politically-correct knuckle rings flashing their message across the room: on the three inner fingers of her right hand was ‘B’, ‘A’, ‘D’ and on the middle finger of her left hand was a thick ring that proclaimed ‘BITCH’. That just about summed up her personality for anyone who was wondering about it. She gave a rousing rendition of “Bad Reputation”, strutting around the stage and giving the eye to anyone who dared to meet her piercing gaze. Shane was practically drooling at her feet by the time the song finished, at which point he hopped up beside her and grabbed a microphone for himself. To the older crowd’s delight, they performed Meatloaf’s “Paradise By the Dashboard Light”--but with Cassidy singing the male parts and Shane singing the female ones.

“I gotta know, right now, before we go any further--do you love me? Will you love me forever?” Shane wailed.

“Let me sleep on it,” Cassidy sang back, walking away from him and rolling her eyes for dramatic effect. “Baby, baby, let me sleep on it. Let me sleep on it and I’ll give you an answer in the morning.”

“If that song isn’t the definition of their relationship,” Ryan murmured in Lily’s ear, “I don’t know what is.” Despite the lyrics, Cassidy graciously accepted a kiss from her begging suitor when they had finished their performance, amid raucous approval from the audience.

“You, sir,” Serena said playfully, pointing at Ryan, “need to take a turn up there before we leave.”

“Lily took care of that, already,” he informed her, gently brushing his hand up and down Lily’s arm.

“Yes, we will be up there in a matter of minutes,” she assured Serena.

“‘We’?”

“He was too nervous to go up alone,” Lily explained, patting Ryan’s thigh reassuringly, and inadvertently sending a rush of blood in that direction, as well, “so I volunteered to accompany him.”

Serena smirked and took a sip of Gabriel’s beer. “How sweet of you.” Their third round of free shots came by their table. The crowd had certainly appreciated the entertainment that their group had provided and they had been thanking them with free drinks all night. “Pace yourselves, people,” Serena reminded them. “We’ve still got at least one more place to go to tonight.”

“I thought we were here for the whole night!” Shane exclaimed, shocked.

“Nope, which is why I’m cutting you off, OB.” She slid a shot of whiskey over to him. “...After this one, of course.”

“To Gabe and Serena,” Matt said, leading the toast. “Happy Birthday, you two.”

“Happy Birthday!”

One by one, the emcee read down the list of volunteers, which had grown exponentially during the Avalanche performances. Another round of beers came and went. Then, finally, the emcee called out, “Ryan and Lily?”

Shit.

“Come along,” Lily said sweetly, reaching out for his hand, as though she were escorting a young child and not a full-grown man practically twice her weight. He followed her obediently, trying not to seem too preoccupied with the mesh back of her dress that was teasing him in the worst way.

“What song did you pick?”

She handed him the second microphone and smiled. “I believe you’ll know it.”

Tinny piano notes rolled out from the speakers on either side of the stage. A low gasp swept the room, rising to an excited chatter as everyone realized what the song was. Everyone was already clapping along to the beat when Lily’s lips parted to sing the first line, her voice strong and clear, “Just a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world. She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere.”

She bumped her hip against his and he took that as his cue. “Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit. He took the midnight train goin’ anywhere.” She took the lead from there. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her as she graced the room with that smile, again. Everyone was at her mercy, staring up at her in awe and envy--and lust. But, where he had seen her recoil from the attention of others so many times before; on this stage, on this night, she was relaxed and open. She looked free.

Lily felt slightly vulnerable without Serena at her side, anchoring her to reality while letting her drift far out of her comfort zone. But then she realized that she had someone just as good--maybe even better--to keep her grounded during such fleeting moments of freedom. She turned to Ryan, then, and saw his stiff posture and unsure smile. Without thinking, she grabbed his hand again. I promised him that we would do this together and so we shall. He clasped her hand tightly, her fingers settling into the grooves between his. This was a puzzle with all the right pieces.

“Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard their shadows searching in the night.” She swiveled her hips as she sang the end of the verse, making Ryan’s head spin. He was singing along with her, but quietly, so as not to draw attention to himself--not that anyone was paying any attention to him, except perhaps the young girls at the corner table. “Streetlights, people, livin’ just to find emotion. Hidin’ somewhere in the night!” Her voice rang out across the room as she hit the note perfectly. The crowd roared.

There was a musical interlude and Ryan leaned over to Lily to ask, “May I have this dance?” She smiled her approval of his request and he spun her around, then into his arms and back out of them, while she laughed in delight the whole time. As they danced, they didn’t even notice their cue to start singing again--not that it mattered. The whole room was singing along at the top of their lungs.

“Don’t stop believin’
Hold on to that feeling
Streetlights people.”

Serena and Cassidy had climbed up onto their table and, arms intertwined, they sang along with their eyes closed. Shane was spotting both of them, even as he wavered dangerously on solid ground, himself. Gabriel was dancing with a 70-year old woman from the table next to them, the college girls looking on in disbelief. Matt and Ashley stood on their chairs to make sure they were getting everything on video.

“Don’t stop believin’
Hold on
Streetlights people!”

Her arms around his neck, Ryan dipped Lily low to the ground, his eyes never leaving hers. Lost in this moment of delirious happiness, he almost forgot about everyone else in the room. He almost kissed her. But as the crowd burst into the next verse of the song, he pulled her back up to a standing position, breathing hard. Smiling at him, she lifted their hands over his head and made him twirl around, as he had made her do in her bedroom.

“Don’t stop believin’
Hold on to that feeling
Streetlights people...”

Even as the song faded out, the noise in the bar didn’t. Ryan and Lily left their microphones on the stage and tripped their way down the stairs, laughing for no reason at all. Shane and Matt were helping Serena and Cassidy off of the table, Serena playfully chastising Duchene for looking up her skirt.

“Not hard when it’s that short, sweetheart.”

She whacked him over the back of the head and he mussed her hair. “Gabe!” Her boyfriend walked over to her, looking down at a napkin in his hand. “What’s that?”

“Her granddaughter’s number,” he laughed, gesturing over his shoulder at his dance partner. “She needs a prom date, apparently.”

“Are you sure that’s not her number? If I was her, I’d want you all to myself, grandchildren be damned.”

“Well, lucky for you,” he murmured, leaning down to kiss her, “you’ve already got me all to yourself.”

Serena lost herself in the kiss, for a moment, before snapping back to attention. “On to the next one, people!” She noticed Ryan and Lily were still holding hands and she gave them a thumbs up. “You guys did a good job up there--oh, and nice song choice, Lil.”

“We should head out while everyone still likes us,” Matt noted. Though the manager probably would have liked them to stay--his establishment had never seen such booming business--he certainly appreciated the generous tip that they left.

“Where to next, Ren?”

“The Watering Hole!”

They clambered into a cab, each girl taking the lap of her date, except for Cassidy, who let Shane take a seat on on top of her. “I’m putting you on a diet,” she huffed, pinching his ass through his jeans.

“Or we could just have more sex. Burns a lot of calories and it’s way more fun.”

“I can attest to that!” Ashley and Serena said at the same time, raising their hands in the air.

Ryan and Lily made it a point not to look at each other as this conversation went on around them. Lily was thankful for the darkness of the cab, which hid her blushing cheeks. She had her hands clasped demurely in her lap, her gaze directed out of the opposite window. Ryan focused his attention on the fare machine, his eyes burning as they watched the red numbers slowly tick upward. He was desperate for anything to distract him from the delicious curve of her ass settled against his lap. His hands were clenched at his sides, his fingernails digging into his palms. Do not touch her. Do not even think about touching her.

They let out a breath as the taxi cab pulled up outside of a dingy-looking bar with warm light blazing through the tiny windows. Lily scrambled to open the door and practically threw herself out into the street, the chill autumn air like a slap to the face that brought clarity to her jumbled thoughts, again. I am drunk, she told herself, running a shaking hand through her hair. Inhibitions are lowered and... That still didn’t explain the desire for Ryan that had come over her in the cab. The desire to touch him, be close to him, just be with him. It had been sudden and overwhelming and completely inexplicable. He likes me, she reminded herself. Not the other way around.

“A round of Jager bombs on me,” Serena announced, grabbing Lily by the hand and hauling her inside and before she could examine her thoughts any further.

“You’re a fucking idiot if you don’t make a move on her,” Gabriel said casually as he passed Ryan on the way inside.

“Buy me a couple drinks and maybe I’ll finally take your advice!”

~

“I’m going to use the ladies’ room,” Lily shouted in Serena’s ear, in a feeble attempt to be heard over the deafening music in the bar. The Watering Hole was small, but apparently very popular and very loud. No one, however, had seemed to notice their group, yet, and they hoped to keep it that way. They were congregated at the far end of the bar, their backs to the rest of the room, and their focus on their drinks. Conversation, unless shouted, was virtually impossible.

“Need a buddy?” Serena hollered back, glaring over Lily’s shoulder as she searched the crowded room for potential threats. Even drunk, Serena was hyper-vigilant.

“I’ll be fine,” she assured her, waving her off. She just wanted to splash some cold water on the back of her neck--it was uncomfortably hot in the room. She made her way through the mass of bodies, avoiding eyes and wayward hands. She heard some mutters of 'stuck-up bitch', but besides that, she managed to get to the bathroom relatively unscathed. She had just made it to the door when someone bellowed right in her ear.

“Lily Evans! As I live and fucking breathe.”

Her body reacted before her brain could even process the voice. It shuddered, from head to toe, a chill sweeping down her back. She turned to face the source of her discomfort and a wave of nausea hit her. “Trent.” Oh, God.

He was grinning at her--that big, toothy, trust-fund baby grin that she remembered so well. That grin that said, so clearly, Of course you remember me. How can I be forgotten? How could you forget me? His tousled brown hair was shorter than she remembered and his face had lost its baby softness to reveal a chiseled jawline. His dark brown eyes, however, had not changed--devouring her just as ravenously as they had in high school. He was looking up at her, now, though, and for once, she was glad to be wearing heels. She hoped they would make her look more powerful than she felt, at that moment. “You haven’t changed a bit,” he noted, his eyes scanning her, breaking her down into smaller and smaller pieces until she was nothing, no one. You haven’t changed a bit. As if he had even known who she was, to begin with. As if five years hadn’t passed and she was still that naive girl who they had all stared at and whispered about, but never took the time to know. “How have you been?”

She cleared her throat. “Fine.” She didn’t bother returning the question. She could have cared less.

He waited a beat before nodding at her and then glanced at the two men standing next to him, one eyebrow raised as if to say, ‘See what I mean?’ She would have been shocked by his blatant impudence if she hadn’t been expecting it. But this was typical Trent Collingswood and though his appearance may have changed enough to make him look more mature, his childish behavior still gave him away. He turned back to her, still smiling, his posture relaxed, like he knew he was in control of the situation. She would have rolled her eyes if she didn’t feel so nauseous. It was such an obvious power move on his part--he was just flexing in front of his two friends, who were practically clones of him in their button-down shirts with the sleeves rolled up, a beer in hand. She wouldn’t have been surprised if they were his frat brothers from college--he’d gone to Yale, she remembered, his father’s alma mater. She knew for a fact that his acceptance was thanks to legacy, alone--where his ego was excessive, his intelligence was sorely lacking. “Oh, and this is Chad and Tucker. They were my brothers in Alpha Delta Phi--that’s a fr--”

“A fraternity. Yes, I know.” This moment, this entire conversation, was so cliché, she wanted to laugh. Or scream. Maybe even cry. For one desperate moment, she wished with every fiber of her being that Ryan would sweep in and save her from all of this. All of the memories and the shame and the hurt. And the anger. But then she thought of Serena, who was always brave enough to fight her own battles, no matter the opponent or the cost. So, she would stand here and suffer through this conversation and the subsequent dissection by the three pairs of eyes that were on her. She knew that she was attracting even more stares than that, she could feel them--she could always feel them--like walls closing in on her from all sides, leaving her with barely any room to breathe. She wanted to shut down and tune them out, but she couldn’t. Not anymore. Her consciousness had been reawakened by the gentle prodding of her friends, blooming like some fragile flower, and now she was paying the price. “What are you doing in Denver?” She didn’t care to know the answer, but she needed to be sure that he and his clones were only passing through, would disappear from her life by morning like a bad dream.

“Business,” he answered offhandedly. He took a sip of his beer and then sighed in a dramatically satisfied fashion. “We closed a big deal this morning, didn’t we, boys?” His friends grinned and nodded. They are not real, Lily decided. They are robots that his father bought for him. As she was giving his cronies a suspicious look, Trent went on, his voice dropping low and dripping with lecherous intent. “But I guess we’re not too tired to close another deal, today.” She snapped her head towards him in time to catch the smirk that he directed towards his goons. “Right, boys?” Lily’s head reeled as she watched them nod in agreement. “So,” he began, turning back towards her, “what are you doing tonight?”

Not ‘what are you doing in Denver’ or ‘what have you been doing since we graduated’. No, Trent was clearly only interested in one thing from her, the same thing he had always been interested in. He had thrown his arm around her shoulders as he had asked this. His touch burned. The knowing looks on the faces of his friends only added fuel to the fire that was spreading through her body at a torrid pace. She realized, then, that he and so many others had taken ownership of her life, purely from their insatiable lust to possess her in whatever way they could, even if they were only pretending, as Trent did now. She was an object to be consumed, bartered and sold through sight and touch and word of mouth and she had always known this. She had always operated with this knowledge at the back of her mind, directing her every action and word, forcing her to shut everyone out just to protect herself. But she was open, now. Alive. And she was tired of being controlled by invisible eyes and forces from miles away. She would no longer allow herself to be possessed, especially not by him.

“Not,” she said succinctly, brushing his hand away from her shoulder like a speck of dust, “you.” And then she turned on her heel, an adrenaline rush propelling her across the room and through the crowd with purpose. All the while, her mind spun trying to come up with a way to really stick it to Trent and make him leave her alone--and then she saw him, the picture of nonchalance as he slouched against the bar, drink in hand and an easy smile on his face. She called out to him before she could stop herself. “Ryan!”

He spun around quickly at the authority in her voice. “Yeah?”

“I need you to do something for me--”

“Anything.”

“--quickly.”

He put his drink down, immediately, looking concerned. “Is something--”

“I need you to pretend that you are my significant other.”

His eyes widened. “Your what?!”

She took another step forward, another step closer. “I’m going to kiss you,” she explained, strangely calm, one hand already reaching up towards his face, “and I need you to try and act as though this is not a surprise.”

His brain short-circuited as he tried to do what she said, while still attempting to comprehend the fact that the very moment that he had been dreaming about for over a year was suddenly happening, right that very second. I’m going to kiss her. There was no time to think or speak before she took his face gently in her hands and brought it down to meet hers. Actually, she is going to kiss me.

Her lips, warm and smooth, rested against his lightly, impersonally, at first, until his brain flipped a switch and he realized the golden opportunity at hand. YOU ARE KISSING LILY. MAKE AN EFFORT. He might never get another chance at this and, besides, this was her first kiss. Ever. He owed it to her to make it as amazing as he possibly could.

He could feel her starting to pull away, already, and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close. With a gasp, her body tensed underneath his hands, her lips parting in her surprise, allowing him to run his tongue along her bottom lip, testing her boundaries. His hands, splayed across her ribs, felt the hitch in her breath as her lungs expanded beneath his fingers. He could taste the hesitation, the confusion, the fear on her lips. He pulled away for the briefest moment, only long enough to murmur a single word against her mouth: “Lily.” Stay with me.

Her hands, still cupping his face gently, pulled him down towards her, once more, and she sighed into his mouth, relinquishing her self-control under the duress of his kiss. He was completely overcome by the sweet taste of her, her warmth and proximity, the scent of her skin. She was everywhere, surrounding him, conquering him. He lost himself in her, throwing down every meager defense he had constructed for himself, leaving him raw and open and wanting. He didn’t care if she knew, anymore. He wanted her to know. He needed her to understand.

I am in love with you.

She had never been kissed before. She had witnessed it, often enough: from Disney princesses to Hallmark movies to tender, elderly couples on park benches--even Serena and Gabriel’s physical affections towards each other had been well-noted by her. Yet, she had never quite desired it. It was the looks on their faces, the way their bodies succumbed to whatever pleasure they might be experiencing, the total abandon of a kiss; as though the participants had to completely give themselves over to some higher emotional power, willingly or unwillingly. It scared her.

But as soon as Ryan’s lips had touched hers, her mind had gone blank. At first, she tried to make it brief, as temporary as the situation had originally called for, but then he had kissed her back. Really kissed her. And instead of reveling in her fear, she embraced it and felt a deep rift in her soul that had been silently aching all along, come to life. She felt awake, alive, so emotionally powerful, even as her legs turned to jello underneath her and her arms snaked their way around his neck to hold on for dear life. He had set her afire and for every second that his lips lingered on hers, she burned brighter. It felt glorious to burn.

With agonizing slowness, Ryan began to pull away from her lips. He left tiny, soft kisses as he went, like breadcrumbs, little reminders to entice her back to his hungry mouth. She received them with all the abandon that she had once been wary of, reaching for more each time he pulled back. Finally, with a deep, satisfied sigh, Ryan leaned back far enough to look down at her, in time to see the marks of surrender written all over her face, right before she closed her eyes, tucking her face into the space between his neck and shoulder. She fit there perfectly and he knew she could feel it, too, as she relaxed in his arms. His heart swelled with divine happiness. He could understand, now, why all of Lily’s poets wrote these moments into existence--they transcended the drudgery of reality, made the world a paradise, if only for a moment. Everyone could have a slice of heaven: a kiss could buy you a morsel. Taste enough to last a lifetime.

“So,” he finally asked, “was that pretty believable?”

She took a few seconds to answer, still trying to catch her breath. “...Oscar worthy.”

“Let me know if you need a repeat performance.”

She felt light-headed at the thought. “I...I will.”

“What the fuck just happened?” Gabriel asked, stunned. Serena stood beside him, her hand gripping his arm, and her mouth open in shock. “Am I dead?” He pawed and pinched himself, trying to confirm his own corporeal validity. “Am I dreaming?”

“Uh...” Ryan couldn’t think of the right response, too preoccupied with the feeling of Lily’s eyelashes fluttering against his throat, making his pulse jump.

Serena, brought back to life, shoved Gabriel, suddenly. “Why don’t you ever kiss me like that?!” Gabriel rolled his eyes, but smiled and pulled her against his mouth, dipping her towards the floor as he did so. The rest of their group erupted into catcalls at the couple’s dramatic display, but Ryan and Lily stayed quiet, still wrapped in each other’s arms. Lily’s heartbeat was only just resuming its normal pace.

“Are you gonna tell me what that was for? Or for whose benefit?” Ryan whispered into her hair.

She shifted so that she was standing right in front of him, both arms wrapped around his neck. “Perhaps we can discuss this later?” She suggested, her tone more of a plea than a question.

“I’m guessing you need me to stay in character a bit longer?”

Lily could see Trent wavering on the edges of her peripheral vision. She wished that she could see the look on his face, right now. “Would you mind?”

Ryan laughed heartily. “Would I mind? Oh, Lily.” He showered her face with kisses, but avoided her lips, for now. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to leave if he returned to them. He pressed his forehead to hers and met her eyes. That wide smile was on her face, again. And for once, whether it was from the alcohol or the obvious adoration in Lily’s gaze, he had the guts to say exactly what he was thinking. “I’d be happy to stay like this forever, if you asked me to.”

~

It wasn’t hard for Ryan to pick out the unlucky guy who had driven Lily into his arms for the rest of the night. Disheveled brown hair, the sleeves of his business shirt rolled up his tanned forearms, his dark blue tie loosened and hanging askew. Everything about him screamed ‘trust fund baby’. And this baby was not happy. There had been no mistaking his near-obsessive stares of jealousy in their direction, which had only given Ryan more reasons to touch Lily--his lips pressed to the place where her long neck met her graceful shoulders; his fingers following the zipper of her dress all the way down the curve of her back, making her shiver; his nose pressed to her silky soft hair, intoxicating him with that honey-vanilla scent that was undoubtedly hers and hers alone. She barely left his side--for protection, he assumed, which was happily given. An hour later, though, and her disgruntled suitor was heading for the door with his friends.

“Your problem just left,” he whispered in her ear, his hands on her waist, but his touch light. He wasn’t sure if this changed things, wasn’t sure if he was supposed to drop the act, now.

She leaned back against his shoulder and kissed his cheek. “Okay,” she said, smiling at him and casually placing her hands over his, holding them there. Okay, then. Ryan hid his jubilant smile against the back of her shoulder and tightened his grip on her. Okay.

~

“Alright, show of hands--who’s going to the diner?” Cassidy and Shane’s hands shot into the air and Serena made a big show about counting them. “What about you guys?” She asked the others.

“I think Ash and I are gonna head home,” Matt said, his arm around Ashley’s shoulders and both of hers wrapped around his waist.

“You’re like an old married couple! What is this?!”

“Ren, it’s two in the morning and we have practice tomorrow afternoon.”

“Yeah, and you should soak up some of that booze with something nice and carby and greasy, so that you’re not barfing all over Sacco!”

“That is exactly what my diet does not need after all that beer,” he laughed. “Gluten-free, remember?”

She rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine, Superboy. Go be boring! We don’t care!” Gabriel grabbed her by the arm as she stumbled. At his suggestion, she had allowed herself to abandon her strict self-regulation for this one night and go as hard as she pleased. She had taken it to heart and she was certainly not the only one.

Lily felt thoroughly drunk. She hadn’t experienced this for months--not since they had graduated that May. Ryan and Gabriel had had to leave, then, before the celebrations could even begin. This time, however, Lily had a pair of strong arms wrapped around her middle and a giddy feeling coursing through her blood. This time, it wasn’t an end--it was a beginning. A beginning of what, however, she didn’t quite know.

“I think we should call it a night, too.” Lily felt the vibration of Ryan’s words ripple along her back. She took a small step backwards, pressing herself as closely to him as possible, and she heard his breath catch in his throat. She didn’t know what was more intoxicating--the alcohol or the effect that she was having on him. The effect that they were having on each other. “Unless you wanna go with them?” He asked her.

“It has been a lovely night, but I am quite tired,” she responded, yawning.

Serena rolled her eyes. “Party poopers.”

Matt had flagged down three cabs, already, which prompted goodbyes all around. When Ryan got to Serena, he pulled her in for a hug. “Happy Birthday, Ren.”

“Let me remind you that that’s my best friend,” she muttered in his ear.

“I know.”

“I will hunt you the fuck down if you hurt her, O’Reilly.”

He pushed her back by the shoulders to look her in the eye. “You know I wouldn’t.”

Her hard expression didn’t waver. “You put her right to bed, understand?” Lily walked over to them, then, and Serena’s face morphed from critical to blithe in 0.2 seconds. “My Lily!” As she hugged her, she glared at Ryan over her friend’s shoulder. “Right to bed!” She mouthed at him.

“Aye, aye, captain,” he muttered.

“Sorry?” Lily asked, turning around.

“Nothin’,” he said quickly. “Ready to head out?”

She reached out to take his hand and they walked over to the taxi, Lily sliding in first. As soon as Ryan sat down beside her, she tucked herself underneath his arm, her head on his shoulder. He bit back a smile, gave the cab driver their address, and then settled back in his seat for the ride.

Lily stared out the window, the blur of the city lights hypnotizing her. Her eyelids soon grew heavy with the effort of trying to concentrate on the swirling bits of city that were flying past the window. The drive seemed to take forever and no time at all, as she drifted in and out of consciousness. She didn’t notice when the car came to a stop or when Ryan slid his arms underneath her to pick her up. One arm reached up and lazily coiled itself around his neck as he carried her inside and up the stairs to her room. He laid her down gently, but as he pulled away, she grabbed his arm.

“Ryan,” she whispered, her fingers tracing patterns on the hand that he was leaning on. He took this as a sign to stay and carefully laid down next to her.

They lay there on her bed, facing each other, but not touching, for the moment. They listened to each other breathe, the sound starting to lull Lily to sleep. She was so tired, exhaustion seeping right down to her bones, but she struggled to stay awake, not wanting the night to be over. What will happen tomorrow? She wondered dimly, her eyelids fluttering, Ryan’s face first sharpening, then blurring, melting into the dark. Perhaps this is only a dream. The thought disturbed the sludge of self-doubt that had been shoved to the back of her mind, stirring it violently enough to completely muddy the waters and poison the sweet memories that she had made that night. That kiss. Was that real? There was a part of her that hoped that it was. And then there was another part of her that was begging her to wake up already.

She dragged her fingers lazily over her own lips, remembering the fire that had erupted when Ryan had touched them. Thinking of this, she reached out towards him and very gently repeated the movement on his mouth. He closed his eyes, reveling in the feeling of her smooth fingertips brushing against his chapped lips.

“What is happening to us?” She whispered, her hand moving to touch his cheek.

He turned his head, taking hold of her wrist, and placed a kiss in the center of her open palm. He heard her sigh. “I don’t know,” he told her, but his response was really only for her benefit. He knew exactly what was happening, what had happened--for this one night, at least, they had been together. They had opened Pandora’s box, reveled in the madness of the night, and now, he knew, she was thinking of closing it all up again, putting it away. Underneath the sleepy drunkenness, Lily was scared. In truth, he was, too. They both knew that, once opened, this was a treasure chest that could not be shut without a price. And the sun changed things, its light illuminating everything--the bad and the good, the scars and the scratches, the fissures and the cracks. There were some flowers that only bloomed at night, the moon calling them out of their slumber to adorn the shadows with hidden beauty. Perhaps their love could only exist that way--with a burst of nighttime resplendence that had to be hidden away by dawn. He gently placed her hand on the mattress, next to her cheek. She didn’t react, her breaths coming even and slow--she was asleep.

He laid there for a few more minutes, telling himself that he had to make sure that she was fast asleep before he moved, so that he didn’t disturb her. But really, he just couldn’t let go. In this space between sleeping and waking, night and day, they could still exist. They could still be together. As soon as he left her bed, her room, it was over--reality would be fast on his heels, erasing everything that had happened that night.

It would still be worth it. He leaned over and pressed his lips to her forehead, taking care to keep his touch light. She didn’t react. He didn’t linger. As slowly and quietly as possible, he slid off of the mattress. There was a thick blanket at the end of her bed and he threw it over her, making sure that all toes and fingers were covered. She curled in on herself, then, her form shrinking underneath the down cover. He stood in her bedroom doorway, taking one last look at her, so peaceful and relaxed. You’re worth all of this. I hope you know that. Then, he stepped out of the room, closing the door most of the way behind him and started down the hall, feeling her slipping away with every step he took.