Flux and Flow

Olivia sat on Dan's bed a few weeks later watching him pack. For the first time in their relationship Dan was leaving for tour. He would be gone for about three months and Olivia would only see him a few days during the tour, if any at all. She was scared.

"Don't look so sad," Dan smiled, placing more t-shirts in a suitcase. He gave her forehead a kiss before turning back to his closet.

"I am sad," She pouted, rubbing her legs. "I'm going to be without you for three months. I've become so accustomed to you being here."

"I'm sure you'll survive," Dan smirked once more. "You don't need me like you think you do."

"But I do," Olivia stated, staring at his eyes.

"Vee?" Dan asked when she looked away from him. He held onto her face, making her look at him. "What is it, love?"

"What you just called me," Olivia replied softly.

"Love? I always call you that," Dan replied, confused for a moment. Then he gasped, realizing what she had meant.

"You're in love with me?" He smiled, holding her face. "Are you telling me that you're in love with me?"

"I am," Olivia replied slowly. Her body filled with heat, her stomach twisting. It had been a long time since she had felt true love with anyone, especially a man.

"Oh, Vee." Dan beamed, kissing her and laying her back on his bed.

Dan kissed her vigorously, his hands all over. He rolled onto his back, pulling her with him. He kept a hand on her backside beneath the shirt of his she had on and held her hair to one side as he kissed her.

"I want to hear you say it," Dan mumbled against her mouth. "I want to hear you say that you love me."

"But you know that I do," Olivia stated, pulling away a little. "I just said I did."

"Vee, please." Dan begged, pulling her lips back down onto his. "I need to hear you say those words."

Olivia paused. She loved Dan, she knew she did. What other word would she use to describe the way she felt about him? Saying "I love you" to Dan was harder than she had anticipated.

"It's not that easy," She stated softy.

"Of course it is," Dan scoffed.

"It's not, Dan!" Olivia glared and got up off of him. She tugged on her jeans he'd taken off of her earlier and went to change her shirt, but stopped when he cleared his throat.

"Explain this to me," Dan replied, sitting upright on his bed. "You hint that you love me, yet you can't actually say that you love me? In what twisted universe does that make any bloody sense?"

"You don't get it!" Olivia replied, throwing her hands up.

"You're right! I don't fucking get it!" Dan replied. "You think I'm him, don't you? Saying 'I love you' out loud makes you vulnerable and you're scared."

"Everyone I love leaves me," Olivia replied.

"Do you know how much that hurts me?" Dan asked, walking over to her. "Do you understand how much it hurts me that you think I'll be Tyler? How many times have I held you while you cried over the divorce? How many times I've killed myself trying to make you happy? I've introduced you to my friends, let you live with me and my mother, done everything in my power to make sure you were happy and you think I'll hurt you like he did?"

"You can't promise that you won't hurt me like he did," Olivia replied, staring at him. "He said he never would and look what happened?"

"You got divorced, moved to the U.K, met me and fell in love. Yeah, that's real awful." Dan mumbled and moved passed her.

"Don't do that," Olivia sighed. "Don't make me seem like a bad person for being scared about falling in love after a shitty divorce."

"Don't make me seem like a shitty person for being upset that my girlfriend, whom said she had fallen in love with me, can't even fucking say 'Dan, I love you'!" Dan replied. "Do you know how stupid that is?"

"So, I'm stupid?" Olivia asked.

"You're not stupid. You're acting stupid," Dan replied, already sick and tired of the conversation. "Fine. You know what? It doesn't even matter. Say it when you're ready."

"It matters and you're mad," Olivia stated, watching Dan as he went back to packing.

"No shit I'm mad!" Dan yelled, tossing shirts into his suitcase. "I know that this is hard for you, I do. It just hurts that you didn't even feel like you should talk to me about this! You actually think I'd be like that twat of a husband you had? Baby, if you think that you obviously don't love me like you think you do."

"Not everyone is going to hurt you," Dan continued. "Not every man is a cheater and a liar. I had thought you had more faith in me than that. If you're saying that you love me simply because I'm leaving then I don't want your love."

"That's not what this is about!" Olivia cried, sobbing.

"Then I don't know what your problem is anymore," Dan replied. "I can't help you anymore because I don't know what you want!"

"I want you!" Olivia sobbed, reaching for him. She cried harder when he stepped back, away from her.

"I wanted you, too." Dan sighed, shaking his head. "But I can't be with someone who can say they've fallen for me, but can't actually say 'I love you'."

"You know that I love you! Isn't that enough?" Olivia asked.

"Not this time, Vee." Dan replied, rubbing the back of his neck. "I've been with too many girls who can say they've fallen for me, but refused to actually say those three words. I won't do it again. Not even for you, no matter how much I love you."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Olivia asked.

"Breaking up implies that we never get back together," Dan stated. "And I love you too much to let you go just like that. So I'm suggesting a bit of a break, or a separation. You can figure out what you think love is and if you really do love me and I can figure out if I have what it takes to love you the way you need to be loved."

"You do! You've done so good so far!" Olivia replied, grabbing his arms and pulling him close to her.

"Then why do you make me feel like I can't?" Dan asked.

"I don't want a break or a separation! I just want you and I together!" Olivia replied, sobbing harder. "Whether you're on tour or not! I want you, Dan!"

"I know, baby." Dan sighed, calming down a little.

Dan held her tightly as she cried, and kissed her forehead.

"Go home and get some sleep, love." Dan stated softly. "I leave tomorrow at 11 in the morning, come say goodbye to me and the guys."

"Can't you stay with me tonight?" Olivia asked, gripping at him tighter. "One last time before tour?"

"If I stay with you tonight, I'll never leave." Dan smiled softly.

"I'm okay with that," Olivia whispered.

"C'mon, love. Go home and go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow," Dan stated, kissing her forehead. He walked her down to the front door and led her to her car.

"At least just kiss me? Can you do that?" Olivia asked.

Dan smiled and put a hand in her hair, bringing her close to him. He gently touched his lips to hers, but agreed to something more aggressive when she whined. Dan kissed her like he never would again, or at least not for three months. He didn't know where they'd be when he got back from tour and wanted to make sure she missed him enough to want to love him. Dan didn't stop kissing her until she was trembling in his hands, begging for more. When that happened he helped her into her car and told he hoped to see her tomorrow.

He hoped he would see her tomorrow. As hard as it was for him to not let her stay the night and to not grant her wish for more, he knew he had to do it. He had to protect himself, too.