No Giving Up When You're Young And You Want Some

Thankfully the medicine and coffee started kicking in. Later on in the day I slowly felt my stength coming back. I've been downing either pop or coffee all day long and the sugar's doing amazing for my energy, just not my weight. I had to stop downing so much sugar. I refuse to gain weight. I won't allow it. I went through my bag to find the only legal drug that will possibly suck the food from my stomach next to laxative, ew. I pulled out a bottle of ibuprofen. The over the counter meds I live off of. I stared at it for a while before my conscience made me put it back.

I sighed and crawled back into my bunk where my phone was to notice I had gotten a message five minutes ago. It was from Andy, asking how I was. I texted him back telling him I'm fine and asking him where he was. He didn't text back until ten minutes later saying he was stuck for a little while at a signing with a bunch of fans left. I sighed. I normally love being alone, but when you're running out of entertainment, it gets boring quick.

I went through my contacts to find someone to talk to when I came across the one that read,"mommy" my heart dropped. I haven't talked to my mom since I graduated highschool. She never approved of who I was and hated my life style choices along with my favorite music. She was homophobic and accused every guy who wore makeup as gay, and she hated my hair color choices and my tattoos. When I first went platinum she flipped shit and avoided every last type of contact with me, except this one time when she said I was over exposing myself and I looked like a tramp. I scrolled down to the one saying,"Sister Dearest :)" and slightly smiled. I loved her. She always was the one who approved of my music and heck, she has way more tattoos and they're massive. Though she always made fun of me when I pissed her off, she was my sister, and I trusted her with things when I was in middle school, that I have yet to tell my mom today.

I contemplated on calling her or not. I sighed and turned off my phone. She was probably buisy anyways. I'm bored. I was alone in this big 'ole bus with nothing to do. I grabbed my notebook and decided to write a poem,

"If the world suddenly dies,
then what shall come?
will hell break loose
and we'll pay for all that we've done

Will our mistakes
have a costly toll
will the human race
lose all control

Will there be fire
will there be ice
will there be honesty
or just more lies

Will peace be wrong?
and hate, right?
Will all equality
be gone by the night

So if the world suddenly dies,
will peace get swollowed?
the biggest thing of all, following the drama
will this be to much to take?
and leave our hearts hollow...

After I finished and looked over it and thought I actually did a pretty good job. I smiled at my work and then heard the door of the bus open. I smiled and put my notebook away and jumped from my bunk. I ran into the main area, and my smile faultered when I noticed it was just our driver. "'Hey, I wanted to make sure you'd be alright here by yourself cause I gotta go get me some food, I'm dying," He joked. I smiled and nodded,"Yeah, I'll be okay, did you hear from the guys yet?" He shook his head,"No but you know how busy it is in there with the fans." I nodded.

Eh, that was true. I walked back and got in my bunk and noticed I had missed a call. It was from Andy and I immediately called back. It rang about three times before he answered,"Hello there my lovely," I smiled,"Hey babe, um did you need to talk?" he paused for a second,"Um yeah, do you think you'll be okay? I'm sorry but a few of Falling in Reverse wanted to go get a couple drinks, but I can come and we can have some fun if you wanted to." I sighed,"No it's fine Andy, you go and have fun, just don't drink too much okay?" He laughed,"I promise babe, you sure you'll be okay?" I took a deep breath in,"Yeah I'll be fine, are Sam and Gale going too?" "Yeah they love any idea involving drinking," He joked, it's true,"Oh ok, nice, make sure they, you know, don't get too stupid," He laughed,"Of course, it's a bar anyways not a club so yeah, well I gotta go, you know how small Ronnie's patience is," I nodded,"Bye babe," "By my darling,"

After that, I plopped down on the couch, and turned Netflix on and prepared for a lonely evening. I turned on a movie that I loved so much and could watch over and over again, Wayne's World. I've seen this thirty thousand times and I'm still cracking up today. I ended up turning on yet another Mike Meyers movie, Austin Powers: Gold Member. I love him he's a funny guy.

I looked at the clock after a few movies to notice it was almost eight. I picked up my phone and almost dialed Andy's number. I stopped myself from hitting call after thinking about what I could've done. I don't wanna sound obsessive or anything or ruin his time, so I put my phone down and turned on SVU.

I watched an episode before realizing it was nine. It was starting to get dark out and I was getting worried. Three hours. How long can you spend at a damn bar? Especially when your girlfriend's sick. I couldn't take it no more. Call me obsessed all you flippin want. I grabbed my phone and dialed his number and waited for him to answer. It went to his voice mail after 10 rings. I sniffled and held back tears,"Hey babe, it's me, just checking up on you, call me back please, bye,"

Straight after I hung up, the tears came. Two hours passed. Right then, I started balling. "Stupid love!" I cried and felt the urge to punch something. I couldn't make it obvious so I stormed into the bathroom and turned on the water and flung my clothes everywhere. I grabbed my phone and started blaring all these things I hate by Bullet For My Valentine and went into the shower and nearly started screaming.

I felt yesterday's eyeliner stream down my face but I don't care. I flung my fist into the stone tile of the shower and jumped at the pain. But I didn't care. I swung at the tiled walls until my knuckles were swolen and red, then my head made contact with the tile, sending me stumbling on to the bench. After my vision cleared up I decided I've had all I could take, and yet this wasn't enough. I crawled out of the shower, leaving the mat sopping wet, and went through the drawers until I found somehting a step up from a razor. A pocket knife.

I ran it carelssy over my skin as the hot water sprayed me, until I noticed a puddle of blood next to the drain. Oh God what have I done?! I took one last look at the knife before flinging it out of the shower. I sat there with my head against the shower as Bullet For My Valentine blared in the background. I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. Why I'm I doing this to myself? Why do I always over react to other people's mistakes? I sighed. I'm hopelessly devoted, to one of the most amazing rock stars ever. I started balling as the hot water sprayed my now red skin. And then I heard a door open in the distance...