Walking Backwards

“Whore,” The word echoed through my ears as I held a finger lightly to my pulsating red cheek. I was shocked, I couldn’t even move. I just stood there at the foot of the staircase looking at the man in front of me, Vincent. I don’t even know if I can call him a man, with each passing day he was looking more and more like a monster.

“E-Excuse me,” I was able to mutter as I was searching—wracking my own head for an explanation, everything he had said was lost and I couldn’t remember what had happened—what had I done to warrant this? I had done everything perfectly; I had remembered all the rules and even stayed out of his way when he was drunk. Actually, right at this moment I knew he was sober! He was doing this of his own controlled inhibitions. He had stricken me without me doing anything, without his judgment being clouded; this isn’t how things were supposed to be.

“A deaf whore at that,” he rolled his deadening eyes, a loud audible sigh escaped his parched lips. “Who do you think you are having a male over past twelve, when did he leave, or is he still here?” he seethed as his eyes darted up towards my room.

“I… I don’t follow, no one was here, I had Edward over but he left around seven…” I nervously defended myself. I know for a fact I was all alone, so he had no right, no right what so ever to call me that.

“The neighbors said someone arrived but no one left, are you really going to stand here and lie to me in my own home? Do you honestly think I am going to take that from someone that no one wants? Do you not understand yet Jacey you are only here because I am accepting trash off the street, get your head out of those clouds little girl; if I wasn’t getting paid for this you would be gone by now.” His jaw clenched together. “You are nothing but a whore; I knew it since I first laid my eyes on you.” He slapped me again, my head snapped to the other side. Both of my cheeks now had the same red glow of abuse and the same searing pain.

Not once has Vincent ever laid his hands on me before school, partly because he was never here but I always thought he would be scared to do so… I was so wrong. I guess it was naïve of me to have thought anything like that, if he’ll hit me when he’s drunk why would he be scared to hit me before school? How stupid can I get? My eyes were shut tightly as I was holding back tears, I couldn’t cry now. The last thing I needed was swollen eyes and a puffy nose to give me away.

Vincent grabbed my chin, digging his fingers into my jaw. “Don’t even think about going to Port Angeles with your little slut friends.” He spat, he tossed me back and I fell into the stairs. My back hurt from the step that I landed on. I watched as Vincent stormed out of the door, slamming it behind him. I looked around the room; no one will ever want me… will they? She was right… this whole time she had been right. I will always be filth. Stupidly hopeful, that’s what I had been this whole time, but I was wrong—just like I always was, nothing will ever change.

I got up and dusted myself off as I walked out of the door quietly. I closed the door gently and locked it. I looked around the yard, neighbors… How would they know? You can’t even see the front of the house clearly. Whatever, I don’t see why I bother in the first place. The drive to school was excruciating. I had to tell Jessica that I was not able to go… She was going to hate me, one of the few friends I was able to make, and now she was going to hate me. Nothing less than I deserve. I laid my head on the steering wheel after putting my car in park and turning it off.

I looked up as someone knocked on my window. Mike was standing there, waving and smiling. I got out but didn’t look at him. “Not right now, Mike.” I mumbled as I pushed my way past him. I didn’t want to hear anything about that stupid dance or hear another stupid joke. I just… I couldn’t handle it today. He didn’t try and stop me, he just watched me go.

“Jewlz,” I heard Edward call my name. I looked back for a fraction of a second then sped up. I kept my eyes on the ground. Jasper grabbed Edward’s arm and pulled him back, for that I am thankful. I couldn’t talk to him right now.

I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Have you ever put together a really complicated puzzle and felt really proud of yourself for your accomplishment? Then by some force of nature you realize that he had been torn apart? You don’t feel like putting it back together because that feeling of failure—no not failure… I can’t place the word that I am trying to say… Disappointment rather, in a way, but that feeling is so great that you are too scared of what may come of it, if it happens again.

That’s how I feel, and my relations with these people were my puzzle pieces.

I wanted to run, that’s what my body was telling me to do. Run and disappear, forget that I ever was a girl named Jacey, forget all of my past. I want to be someone new, someone loved and cherished. That feeling of suffocation was getting stronger and stronger by the minute. The fragility of the moment was increasing, and I felt like I was going to shatter.

I didn’t even want to look around the room. Was it obvious that I had been hit that morning, were my cheeks telling everyone what had happened, betraying me—my feelings of keeping everything a secret? Why is it that everyone was staring…? I looked up and no one was. They were all paying attention as the teacher scribbled mindlessly on the chalkboard.

No one is staring because no one cares. That must be it, because I am undesirable, so why would people care about someone like me. I’m not important and never will be. Anyone who says otherwise is just looking to use me. That’s the only reasonable explanation. All this time I thought Vincent had a heartfelt reason for allowing me to be here… but all along it was for the money. Sex and money are people’s most used excuse to do anything, it’s depressing.

I barely heard the lunch bell. “Jewlz… hello, aren’t you listening to me?” I glanced up at the chipper face of Jessica. She was grinning ear to ear, her eyes were sparkling. Something I was about to ruin, something I had no choice but to do it.

“I can’t go,” I muttered.

“What,” Jessica asked, taken aback. “You mean today, you can’t go today?” I swallowed hard and nodded. “Why,” she crossed her arms over her chest. Oh simply because my abusive foster father said I can’t, by the way he also said you were all sluts. I just shrugged my shoulders. “Well… whatever, I don’t care.” She pursed her lips and turned on her heels as she walked out of the door—out of our friendship.

I don’t care. I repeated it over and over in my head as I trudged to the cafeteria. Not that I am surprised… I knew that’s how it was going to be. It’s always that way, no one cares. No one ever does, so why should this time be any different? I sat down in my seat and stared at my lap.

“Jewlzie,” Edward asked as he looked across the table at me.

“Yes,” I blinked slowly, not looking up.

“What’s wrong,” he was worried, I didn’t have to look up to tell. I could tell by how thick it was in his voice.

“I don’t know… Either I am disgusting or a disappointment… maybe I’m both, I can’t decide right now. Ask me at a later date.” I sighed.

“Jacey you are neither of those.” I heard him clench his teeth as he leaned forward.

“Really Edward, because I am pretty sure that I am—it’s the only possibly reason I can come up with right now for everyone’s freaking actions.” I snapped, looking up at him. Tears were welling up in my eyes and I tried my best to blink them back.

“For everyone’s actions what do you mean by that, I know for a fact that you are—“

“Stop it right there, you don’t know anything about me. You don’t know who I am and what I have to go through day after day, you know shit.” I slammed my palms on the table as I pushed myself up. Edward had jerked back at my outburst. I muttered a sorry and ran from the room. I had to get out.

I reached for my keys and pulled them out of my pocket, my hands were so shaky from my nerves that they fell; my eyes were so blurry that I couldn’t see where they had fallen. Tears burst through the lids of my eyes as I bent down trying to find them.

“Where do you think you are going,” Edward snatched my keys up. I glared up at him.

“That is none of your business, now give those back.” I said in between sighs as I reached for my keys.

“You really think I’m going to let you drive in that condition, I’ll take you wherever you need to go.” He didn’t give me an option, the sternness in his voice made me walk all the way over to the passenger side and slide in.

He got in and cranked the car, driving us out of the school parking lot. I had buried my face in my hands and the only sounds in the car came from me. He parked in front of my house then carried me in, even took me up to the room. I sat on the bed as I tried to pull myself together; Edward had his hand on my back.

“I-I’m sorry,” I whispered as I wiped at my mascara stained eyes again.

“Just tell me what’s wrong,” his voice was calm and reassuring, so I nodded.

“No one wants me,” another tear poured from the corner of my eye.

“Why do you say that?” He was now running his fingers through my hair.

“B-Because no matter where I go, it always ends the same even here it is always the same. I can’t escape it, I’ve tried, I have Edward I’ve done everything I can to be good. I’ve tried… I’ve tried.” Edward’s thumb slid over my cheek, under my eye wiping away another tear.

“What’s always the same?”

I closed my eyes. “I… I always get hit. Vincent… he gets so mad with me… h-he….” I swallowed hard; I can’t make myself spit it out.

“Vincent hit you?” All I could do was nod my head. “When did he last touch you?”

“This morning, said… he called me a whore because the neighbors said that you never left. So I’m a whore and he slapped me twice… he’s right no one will ever want me. Mother was right she said the same—she did.” I was shaking again as another wave of sobs washed over me.

Edward shook my shoulders gently so that I would look up at him. “That’s not true, Jewlzie I promise you it’s not.”

“It’s got to be… every single place I’ve been… every…” I got up and kneeled down as I reached under my bed and pulled out my box. Edward just watched as I pulled out a little notebook. I gripped it in my hands while holding it out to him.

“What is this?” he asked as he took it from me.

“It’s… it’s what has happened to me over the years, everything I’ve wrote there. I can’t verbally… I can’t tell you any other way, it’s too hard to relive all those moments again—it’s too hard, I’m sorry.” I was choking back tears. Edward looked at me unsure if he should read it or not.

“No,” he read aloud as he opened the first page. “Why is that the first word?”

“To remind me that I’m not the one at fault…” My eyes were burning now. I saw him thumbing through the pages; his expressions were changing as he read more and more. Every now and then I would see rage flash over his face, and then he would look down at me.

“So… he started shortly after you moved here?” he finally asked.

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“Why haven’t you told anyone Jewlz, why are you letting this happen to you?” I stood up quickly and raised my hand to slap him, but I let it fall back to my side.

“Letting… You think I am letting him do this, you think I have a choice?” I was digging my teeth into the inside of my lip. It was absurd that he would even think let alone say that, to my face no less.

“Probably not the best way to say that—“

“Ya think? It was rude; I can’t even believe you would say that, you think I like what has happened to me? Do you think that I let someone almost molest me and I let him get shot and I let him die on top of me?” More tears were streaming down my face.

“I’m sorry Jacey… I didn’t… I wasn’t thinking—Why didn’t you ever tell me, I could have helped. I could have done something.” Edward had gotten up and grabbed my shoulders.

“What could you have done?” Edward was looking around as I stared at his face. “I wanted to, I just couldn’t, it’s hard and I can’t stress it enough.” I wiped at my eyes again. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you… just understand that I couldn’t… please don’t hate me.” Edward shook his head. He wouldn’t hate me. That’s what I was hoping he meant that he wouldn’t hate me just because of this.

“I won’t let anything else happen to you Jewlz, I promise.” Edward wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest gently. Despite him being cold I felt warm, relaxed even. Wait… something isn’t right…

“Edward…” I glanced up at him still shaking a bit if not more now; he looked down as he ran his fingers lightly through my hair a soft hm coming from his throat. “Why isn’t your heart beating?”