Your Reason to Be

Chennaya's POV

I change my decision in the very last second. The guilt has completely eaten its way from my brain down to very bottom of my stomach. There just isn't a right way to go about this. No matter how many different times you do it, there will always be that unpleasantness to it all, it will still feel wrong.

Even without the guilt I don't think I'll be able to through with it because my thoughts would still be bouncing of the walls of my brain in shambles. I wouldn't be able to do it as I don't believe it's the right moment and I normally wouldn't bother with perfect timing.

He stares at me shock etched into his features. I don't know what he expected me to say or how to react to the whole situation. I'm still confused myself. "A-Are you serious?" he stutters out.

"Please don't be mad." It came out as an almost squeak. "I just," I say furiously brushing my hair back, "I don't think it's the right time. It's too soon and-"

As Louis leans forward I instantly stiffen the unsaid words forming into icicles inside my mouth. His finger comes up to close my two lips. I feel greatly relieved but his other hand is still rested on my knee.

"I don't care. I'm just..." he doesn't finish the sentence then his lips curve up into a wide toothy grin telling me that my assumptions were simply false.

However, speaking as my significantly senseless and half-witted alterego, I would not have minded if Lou had ended my rambling mouth with a soft peck instead of an index finger. Im suddenly curious if his lips still feel the same when we shared a kiss when were still teenagers.

What if I always have had feelings for him? Yet always denied it since it didn't feel right to fancy one of your friends? When people constantly assumed we were in a relationship - were those butterflies in my stomach because it felt nice to be his 'girlfriend' instead of being there because I felt embarrassed?

But it feels so wrong and disgusting as if I'd just used Niall then thrown him away since I realized my feelings for Louis. To put it colloquially, it feels like I'm changing into a whore. "Lou? Do you think I'm a-a slut?"

His eyebrows knit together forming a deep frown. He drops his hold and glares at me for some unknown reason. Louis' face blazes with disgust resulting with me fearing his opinion. "What?" he spits. "No, no of course not!" He flings arms around in the air as if to define his answer. "How could you say that? You're just...confused. No, Chey you could never be that."

I sigh, sliding over to lean against a column on the end of the railing. He follows my movements and chooses to also sit down beside me. "So, I'll give us a try when...when I'm ready."

Just as those words leave my lips I realize just how selfish I sound. I know it wasn't necessarily me who broke off our relationship, rather Niall since I think he felt a tad uncomfortable around me. But that doesn't do anything to soften the blow. It feels as if I'm making Louis, one of my closest friends, a secod choice since the boy I fancied didn't really want me around anymore.

For the first few days staying at the boys' house, I felt at home and welcomed. The very first boy who caught my attention was naturally Niall - we started off with a great friendship I guess. From then on I might have developed feelings for the charming young Irish lad, which are merely 'cute brother' vibes then he asked me out. At that point I began to confuse myself.

And it's only starting to unfold, make sense now.

"That's good," he says a genuine smile set upon his face. Misery courses through me once more - it makes me sad that I'm finally beginning to see Louis once I become single.

He is the definition of sweetness. A real friend. When I found out Jordan had cheated on me, Louis comforted me and supported me, providing a temporary home, allowing me to stay with his friends. He radiates warmth and plenty of charm; he is the first rays of sunlight after a long season of harsh winter; Louis reminds me of the ice cream you eat whilst watching a sad film.

He was the one who was always there for me - apart from Tara. And all he asked in return was for me to love him back. I hadn't realized how deep his feelings for me run until now. I should've known anyway - no boy would as caring without wanting something, and as sexist and stereotypical as it sounds, he's still of the male species. I should have at least wondered.

"Your mind keeps wondering off woman." I look up to meet Lou's ocean orbs again. "Well you'll have plenty of time to think because the boys and I are going off to America!" he announces. "We're going to shoot our next video."

I stare blankly at him, processing the new information. "You're teling me this now?" Demanding isn't what I'm supposed to he doing, I'm supposed to be telling him good luck and to have fun. That's what good friends are there for.

"Hello der you two lovebirds," a new and disturbingly familiar voice intervenes in our conversation. I jump off the railing to face the newcomer slightly tensing up in anticipation of the next occurrence. "So?"

A few seconds of gawky silence settles around us three before the latest member of the club speaks up again. "You think I'm mad, don't you?"

"Y-yes."

He grins at both of us. I catch a small unfamiliar glint of trouble brewing up in his blue irises. "I'm not. It's all part of plan."